And we are back where we started...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: hamilton,Ontario
Posts: 33
And we are back where we started...
My cocaine addict/alcoholic boyfriend is back on his old ways....He attempted suicide in front of me over a year ago and was admitted for help at a withdrawal centre for a week..yes, only a week. He did good on his recovery as I babied him and babysat his way through life for that year...Until he decided that he was going to celebrate his 1 yr early by having a drink. Well that was september, now he is the old bf I used to know. Rude, irritable, snappy and vulgar with his words. I feel that I let myself down by being fooled by the mascarade sometimes...I am reading 'The language of letting go' and am learning to let him live and start caring for myself instead of victiming all the time and enabling....so I ignored his drinking and let him be without me nagging. The drinking is progressivly getting worse and he now does cocaine again. I know because I see the withdrawals from his account at late hours of the night and today I found an old drug dealers # written on a bar reciept.how classy...We live together so his actions do affect my life. I cant just not call him anymore and have the problem be fixed....My gf said to stick it out until I have good evidence that he is abusing and then leave...but I just get frustrated to how long it will take for me to catch him red handed...what is the wisest choice in a situation like this? I am 24 and dont have much family so not too much support is in my area, is it wisest to stay and catch him or set the bomb off early and leave before I have proof of his cocaine relapse?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am not sure how much more proof you are looking for here? You have witnessed his old behavior and it's getting worse as with addiction it's a progressive disease.
I think you know in your gut what he is doing but your co-dependency is keeping you attached to him.
I think it's bad advise from your gf to stick it out until you catch him red handed, I think you need to get out now and get into alanon or naranon and codependecy meeting for you.
You bf doesn't need to be babied or babysat, he needs to work a program of recovery but he is the only one who can do that and he has to want to do that for himself. It doesn't sound like he's finished with his old habits and until he is, you need to look out for yourself here.
I think you know in your gut what he is doing but your co-dependency is keeping you attached to him.
I think it's bad advise from your gf to stick it out until you catch him red handed, I think you need to get out now and get into alanon or naranon and codependecy meeting for you.
You bf doesn't need to be babied or babysat, he needs to work a program of recovery but he is the only one who can do that and he has to want to do that for himself. It doesn't sound like he's finished with his old habits and until he is, you need to look out for yourself here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: hamilton,Ontario
Posts: 33
As petty as it sounds, I am just so scared to go. Sacred of loneliness, scared financially and scared to cut the tie
I wish God would send me a big glass of courage right now..............
I wish God would send me a big glass of courage right now..............
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
It's natural to be scared...but maybe it would help to ask yourself, is this the life you want? Do you want to waste your youth with an addicted abusive boyfriend, or reach for your dreams and find wings? Starting over can be scary, but it can be very exciting too. And God can give you a gallon of courage...Just surrender your worries to him and he will help you find the way. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I'm sorry I miss read your post about living with him. If there a chance you could move out and in with your gf on a temp bases until you pull things together for yourself.
It's hard I know but staying with an active addict can be even harder.
It's hard I know but staying with an active addict can be even harder.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: In the City
Posts: 59
This sounds so familiar. I am 40, have two young children ... and I'm lost .... but looking for myself. The past year living with my heroin/crack ABF has been hell. It got really bad last October and I started planning for my "detachment." Two weeks ago when he stole $1,000 from me, I called his cell and told him to never come back. We have very little left, emotionally or financially.
Now here I am on my own. At first it felt like half of me had died. I couldn't focus on anything. I cried and grieved and wanted so badly to call him and try to fix it...fix him. I have been strong so far and have not spoken with him even though he's left several messages on my cell.
Today is the first day I didn't spend the day wanting to be with him. I'm angry today and I decided I will never be with him again. The damage is too great. Today I learned he is stealing from people who used to be our friends and they are calling me to pay them back. I told them to file a police report.
I never caught him in the act but I knew what was going on even though he looked me straight in the eyes and denied it. Then I would feel stupid and guilty for accusing him. Like many have said ... it's the behavior. I didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated me and my children didn't need an addict for a role model. Even without drug use, his behavior would have been unacceptable. As we entered a new year, I decided that 2008 would not be a repeat of 2007. What he decides to do with his life is his choice .... as for me, I want to laugh and play in the sun with my children.
You'll find a lot of great wisdom and advice here. This forum is my strength when I can't find it in myself.
Hugs to you!
Now here I am on my own. At first it felt like half of me had died. I couldn't focus on anything. I cried and grieved and wanted so badly to call him and try to fix it...fix him. I have been strong so far and have not spoken with him even though he's left several messages on my cell.
Today is the first day I didn't spend the day wanting to be with him. I'm angry today and I decided I will never be with him again. The damage is too great. Today I learned he is stealing from people who used to be our friends and they are calling me to pay them back. I told them to file a police report.
I never caught him in the act but I knew what was going on even though he looked me straight in the eyes and denied it. Then I would feel stupid and guilty for accusing him. Like many have said ... it's the behavior. I didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated me and my children didn't need an addict for a role model. Even without drug use, his behavior would have been unacceptable. As we entered a new year, I decided that 2008 would not be a repeat of 2007. What he decides to do with his life is his choice .... as for me, I want to laugh and play in the sun with my children.
You'll find a lot of great wisdom and advice here. This forum is my strength when I can't find it in myself.
Hugs to you!
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Originally Posted by finallyreaching 
Well that was september, now he is the old bf I used to know. Rude, irritable, snappy and vulgar with his words. I feel that I let myself down by being fooled by the mascarade sometimes...I am reading 'The language of letting go' and am learning to let him live and start caring for myself instead of victiming all the time and enabling....so I ignored his drinking and let him be without me nagging. The drinking is progressivly getting worse and he now does cocaine again. I know because I see the withdrawals from his account at late hours of the night and today I found an old drug dealers # written on a bar reciept.how classy
Originally Posted by finallyreaching
Sacred of loneliness, scared financially and scared to cut the tie
His path has been described. What path of your own are you going to describe? Does the path you are taking require him to be on it too?
Difficult I know. Very. I have been on that path. I was on it 18 months ago. I was on it until I got off on my own path and my own journey.
(((Hugs))) and good luck.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
why do you have to have proof to move out?
this is 2008, not 1808. You dont have to have proof to leave....unless you want to justify it to him.
You have won the right to make your own choices, whether he agrees or not.
this is 2008, not 1808. You dont have to have proof to leave....unless you want to justify it to him.
You have won the right to make your own choices, whether he agrees or not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: hamilton,Ontario
Posts: 33
Thank you all for your replies, I guess I am reaching out looking for the answer but it is already answered in my heart....I do know what I need to do I just can't seem to dig up the courage(and self-respect) to do it. I am sure this is the way skydivers feel before there first jump....can't breathe...anxious...nervous to what the outcome will be, Each day I feel closer though!
Today I found a drug baggy with stuff still in it in his wallet. I haven't told him but there it is! My proof!...and yet here I sit in our home....I just pray my HP will guide me through this.....
I keep talking of this proof I want, I guess it is so I can justify to him my departure, and yet now I have it and I stay...I think he has crushed my self-worth so much I dont know HOW to leave anymore...
Today I found a drug baggy with stuff still in it in his wallet. I haven't told him but there it is! My proof!...and yet here I sit in our home....I just pray my HP will guide me through this.....
I keep talking of this proof I want, I guess it is so I can justify to him my departure, and yet now I have it and I stay...I think he has crushed my self-worth so much I dont know HOW to leave anymore...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
One thing this site gave me was the courage and "permission" to do what I knew in my heart I needed to do. I listened to the ones here at SR who had walked in my shoes before, and as heard as it was, I took their advice. They had lived my life with my addict, they were trying to help me by telling of their experiences. As painful as it was, it was the truth.
When I finally became detacched from my addict, I was more at peace than I had been in a long while.
No one can make the decision but you. Just know that you have the support here from all these good people at SR.
HUGS
When I finally became detacched from my addict, I was more at peace than I had been in a long while.
No one can make the decision but you. Just know that you have the support here from all these good people at SR.
HUGS
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
dear finally,
i understand your fear. and that you are 24 is significant. many of us here have decades of life experinece ahead of you and what we are able to do and what you are able to do can be very different things. i remember what 24 felt like. you are still quite young and finding the courage you are seeking will be a real challenge. usually when relationships with addicts break up, it's much like when the addict hits bottom. there is an EVENT. not many addicts wake up and say "think i'll change my life completely today" and neither do many mates of addicts. it usually takes an event. many will probably say the event, in retrospect, seems sent by one's higher power. but at the time it is occurring it feels like anything but.
everyone is right... and now you do have your proof. he has relapsed. you can separate from him and give him time to see if he wants to work a program of recovery. or you can stay with him and do the same but it will be hard. you will need a great deal of 12 step and counseling to endure it, and most would say better to love him from a distance as you wait and see what happens.
if you stay, there will be an event. you can count on it. and it's really up to you whether to separate now or then.
i am so sorry. and things could work out. but first he has to be held accountable and there have to be consequences. your separating from him while he is an active drug user is a consequence. he has already left you. you moving out would be simply a realistic response to that. but don't go until your head is clear and you have a plan and support.
hoping for all the best for you.
i understand your fear. and that you are 24 is significant. many of us here have decades of life experinece ahead of you and what we are able to do and what you are able to do can be very different things. i remember what 24 felt like. you are still quite young and finding the courage you are seeking will be a real challenge. usually when relationships with addicts break up, it's much like when the addict hits bottom. there is an EVENT. not many addicts wake up and say "think i'll change my life completely today" and neither do many mates of addicts. it usually takes an event. many will probably say the event, in retrospect, seems sent by one's higher power. but at the time it is occurring it feels like anything but.
everyone is right... and now you do have your proof. he has relapsed. you can separate from him and give him time to see if he wants to work a program of recovery. or you can stay with him and do the same but it will be hard. you will need a great deal of 12 step and counseling to endure it, and most would say better to love him from a distance as you wait and see what happens.
if you stay, there will be an event. you can count on it. and it's really up to you whether to separate now or then.
i am so sorry. and things could work out. but first he has to be held accountable and there have to be consequences. your separating from him while he is an active drug user is a consequence. he has already left you. you moving out would be simply a realistic response to that. but don't go until your head is clear and you have a plan and support.
hoping for all the best for you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sweetie, you will leave when the time is right for you, and not a moment before.
Thing is, there is so much better life for you beyond those doors and promise of better days to come. If he disappeared from your life today you would survive, you can survive this also.
Just know you are worth living life well and living with an active addict will only get worse over time.
If you are afraid for any reason, contact a women's shelter and they can give you some good suggestions on where to start, even if you don't leave right now.
Take care of you, you're the only one who can.
Hugs
Thing is, there is so much better life for you beyond those doors and promise of better days to come. If he disappeared from your life today you would survive, you can survive this also.
Just know you are worth living life well and living with an active addict will only get worse over time.
If you are afraid for any reason, contact a women's shelter and they can give you some good suggestions on where to start, even if you don't leave right now.
Take care of you, you're the only one who can.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Midwest
Posts: 66
Ann is so right. I use to struggle with everyone here at SR telling me I will know when the time is right to leave. There is absolutely nobody that can tell you the answer. You'll have to find it on your own. I got irritated, frustrated, and angry wondering "why" someone here couldn't tell me "when" to leave the addict. However, several years later, I understood 
After several years of living with my exah, I left. I don't regret one moment of leaving. Don't get me wrong, I truly miss my husband (the person he 'used' to be before the drugs took him away from me) and the family we had, but my boys and I are absolutely fine and we survived.
You are looking at a lifetime of disappointment (among other things) living with an addict....unless he's willing to admit he's got a problem and is willing to find recovery FOR HIM and ONLY HIM. He CANNOT do it for you or anyone else.
You are so young and you definitely deserve much better!!!! I PROMISE you will find the happiness you want and deserve because you have your entire life ahead of you. Please, please, please remember we all have choices and you need to decide if you want to continue living like this or let go and move on. Again, I PROMISE you'll survive!!
Hang in there and know you're in my prayers!
Jen
After several years of living with my exah, I left. I don't regret one moment of leaving. Don't get me wrong, I truly miss my husband (the person he 'used' to be before the drugs took him away from me) and the family we had, but my boys and I are absolutely fine and we survived.
You are looking at a lifetime of disappointment (among other things) living with an addict....unless he's willing to admit he's got a problem and is willing to find recovery FOR HIM and ONLY HIM. He CANNOT do it for you or anyone else.
You are so young and you definitely deserve much better!!!! I PROMISE you will find the happiness you want and deserve because you have your entire life ahead of you. Please, please, please remember we all have choices and you need to decide if you want to continue living like this or let go and move on. Again, I PROMISE you'll survive!!
Hang in there and know you're in my prayers!
Jen
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