Mother who needs advise and your prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hardy Ky
Posts: 170
Mother who needs advise and your prayers.
Hi everyone,
I am new to this site..First of all let me say I am a mother of an addict. I love my son very much and he is a wonderful person. One month ago today, he put himself in rehab..That was a very proud moment for me...He is still there and his drug of choice is pain pills..I don't know if you have heard of Cornerstone of Recovery, but that was his choice of rehab..Everyday I talk to him, he seems to get stronger. This past week he moved into an appartment that is part of Cornerstone. He is doing great!! I am very proud of him..MY question is, he has 2 more months to go in this rehab facility, can someone tell me how long it usually takes Or maybe some stories of their recovery? I am very interest in any advise you have for my husand and me!! I know you all have been there and I just need some advise on how I must handle him when he arrives from rehab. Keep in mind my son lives with me and he is 21 yrs old...I know that he will have to change his friends, cell phone number, and ect. He knows this as well, but I guess I just want to get your advise on experiences you have had or are having now. I am open for all opinions and advise. Many prayers sent your way and Thanks so much!!
I am new to this site..First of all let me say I am a mother of an addict. I love my son very much and he is a wonderful person. One month ago today, he put himself in rehab..That was a very proud moment for me...He is still there and his drug of choice is pain pills..I don't know if you have heard of Cornerstone of Recovery, but that was his choice of rehab..Everyday I talk to him, he seems to get stronger. This past week he moved into an appartment that is part of Cornerstone. He is doing great!! I am very proud of him..MY question is, he has 2 more months to go in this rehab facility, can someone tell me how long it usually takes Or maybe some stories of their recovery? I am very interest in any advise you have for my husand and me!! I know you all have been there and I just need some advise on how I must handle him when he arrives from rehab. Keep in mind my son lives with me and he is 21 yrs old...I know that he will have to change his friends, cell phone number, and ect. He knows this as well, but I guess I just want to get your advise on experiences you have had or are having now. I am open for all opinions and advise. Many prayers sent your way and Thanks so much!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Not a parent, so I wouldn't begin to know what you're going through - but I will say that you sound like a great Mom and your husband sounds as if he's right in there with you. So, whatever it is that parents should do - and I'm pretty sure it's the same as the rest of us, but I'll let the parent's share all that - I just wanted to send you hugs and say it's wonderful to hear from you and so many other supportive parents - and I mean supportive, not enabling. It's the greatest gift you can give your child - unconditional healthy love, and I think, from my perspective anyway - that that is step 1 - I'm sure others will be along shortly. Hugs to you, your husband and your son! Wishing you all a long and healthy recovery!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hardy Ky
Posts: 170
Codeinewife,
I am brought to tears to how many caring and loving people are on this site. I really appreciate your reply. My son is such a wonderful young man and anything I can do to be supportive to him, I am prepared to do. Thanks for caring!
I am brought to tears to how many caring and loving people are on this site. I really appreciate your reply. My son is such a wonderful young man and anything I can do to be supportive to him, I am prepared to do. Thanks for caring!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
One thing that is helping me is attending Nar-anon meetings to connect with others in similar situations. I can only handle myself, set boundaries of what is acceptable behavior, and not try to project what-ifs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 108
A month is definitely a good start. Three months is a good amount of time. What was his drug of choice?
Are you attending al anon, CODA or some other family support group.
The one red flag I see is that you're hopes may be a little too high. People often relapse even after three month stays. My step-daughter relapsed after almost four months on heroin though the situation was not quite the same. She had previously relapsed on alcohol.
You said his drug of choice was pain pills? Did you mean oxycontin? That's a nasty drug, known sometimes as "Hillbilly heroin".
People often relapse out of residential treatment if they go straight back to where they came from. When our step-daughter gets out of her current rehab, she is planning to go to a sober living environment, a house with a curfew, drug testing and house meetings. She relapsed before partly because she was at home and could hide drugs here.
Also, check into out-patient programs that he could attend after getting out. I checked the web-site of the place you mentioned and it looks like they may have all this available to you there. If not, there should be sober living environments and out patient treatment in your community.
Best of luck to you!
Are you attending al anon, CODA or some other family support group.
The one red flag I see is that you're hopes may be a little too high. People often relapse even after three month stays. My step-daughter relapsed after almost four months on heroin though the situation was not quite the same. She had previously relapsed on alcohol.
You said his drug of choice was pain pills? Did you mean oxycontin? That's a nasty drug, known sometimes as "Hillbilly heroin".
People often relapse out of residential treatment if they go straight back to where they came from. When our step-daughter gets out of her current rehab, she is planning to go to a sober living environment, a house with a curfew, drug testing and house meetings. She relapsed before partly because she was at home and could hide drugs here.
Also, check into out-patient programs that he could attend after getting out. I checked the web-site of the place you mentioned and it looks like they may have all this available to you there. If not, there should be sober living environments and out patient treatment in your community.
Best of luck to you!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Hi SweetPea, another mom to welcome you. I hope you stick around to share with us.
How great that your son is in treatment. Most here find that it doesn't work to have our young boy/men come home from rehab and that it is better for them to go to sober living home where they are monitored with requirements of a specific amt. of mtgs per week, drug testing, and sober peers.
My 23 y old son has been to rehab 2x before and is currently off drugs but an alcoholic.
It is time for him again to get sober. It often takes several attempts at sobriety.
I know for a fact that I am powerless over his addiction.
Going to al-anon group has helped me greatly.
I have gone to open AA mtgs. to attempt to understand the disease.
Being the parent of an addict is not for wienies. We have to learn skills to
deal with this family disease. Stick around and share your journey with us and learn.
There is collective wisdom here.
How great that your son is in treatment. Most here find that it doesn't work to have our young boy/men come home from rehab and that it is better for them to go to sober living home where they are monitored with requirements of a specific amt. of mtgs per week, drug testing, and sober peers.
My 23 y old son has been to rehab 2x before and is currently off drugs but an alcoholic.
It is time for him again to get sober. It often takes several attempts at sobriety.
I know for a fact that I am powerless over his addiction.
Going to al-anon group has helped me greatly.
I have gone to open AA mtgs. to attempt to understand the disease.
Being the parent of an addict is not for wienies. We have to learn skills to
deal with this family disease. Stick around and share your journey with us and learn.
There is collective wisdom here.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hey Sweetpea - another mom, here.
There is sooooo so much to learn about addiction. And about MY part in it!
You know, you will hear over and over again - "Hands off the addict!" (which is excellent advice!) Then someone says, " and I had to learn MY part in it!"... I can imagine you are going "what?" How can I keep hands off the addict if I have a PART in it?
My part in the dance of addiction with my kids was "enabling"... "doing for them things they should or could do for themselves".
As a mom, I spend decades protecting my kids and keeping them safe.
What I forgot, was the goal!! To create loving, caring, kind and RESPONSIBLE adults out of those loving babies. Kids don't learn responsiblity when someone else is doing the doing for them.
Each time I 'helped' my kids, I stole from them the opportunity to learn a lesson. Each time I provided a 'soft landing', I stole from them the opportunity to learn a lesson. I took away their dignity by presuming they were not smart enough, savvy enough or strong enough to make a decision and live with the consequences of those decisions.
And especially the bad decisions.
So... if I could have learned any one thing faster, I would hope it could be to not "save" them. Yes, I do things for my kids - even today. Because I do what I can live with. And I examine that every time... Can I let this go? Do I trust that God will lead them to the right conclusion? Can I stand to let them suffer a little? Have a little pain?
The answers today are more and more "yes".... but it has been a process.
Alanon helped me more than anything else I've tried. I wish you the best.
((hugs))
There is sooooo so much to learn about addiction. And about MY part in it!
You know, you will hear over and over again - "Hands off the addict!" (which is excellent advice!) Then someone says, " and I had to learn MY part in it!"... I can imagine you are going "what?" How can I keep hands off the addict if I have a PART in it?
My part in the dance of addiction with my kids was "enabling"... "doing for them things they should or could do for themselves".
As a mom, I spend decades protecting my kids and keeping them safe.
What I forgot, was the goal!! To create loving, caring, kind and RESPONSIBLE adults out of those loving babies. Kids don't learn responsiblity when someone else is doing the doing for them.
Each time I 'helped' my kids, I stole from them the opportunity to learn a lesson. Each time I provided a 'soft landing', I stole from them the opportunity to learn a lesson. I took away their dignity by presuming they were not smart enough, savvy enough or strong enough to make a decision and live with the consequences of those decisions.
And especially the bad decisions.
So... if I could have learned any one thing faster, I would hope it could be to not "save" them. Yes, I do things for my kids - even today. Because I do what I can live with. And I examine that every time... Can I let this go? Do I trust that God will lead them to the right conclusion? Can I stand to let them suffer a little? Have a little pain?
The answers today are more and more "yes".... but it has been a process.
Alanon helped me more than anything else I've tried. I wish you the best.
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hardy Ky
Posts: 170
SoberAndy
Thanks so much for your information! I am trying to find a place in our area for family. So far, no luck.
I have tried not to get my hopes up to much, because I know he needs to do this one day at a time. I have lived my whole life that way. Taking one day at a time, but your right,,,,Sometimes I do get my hopes up way too much!!
He is now in intensive out patient. His drug of choice is oxycontin. He had took other pain pills, but that was drug of choice.
Thanks again!
Thanks so much for your information! I am trying to find a place in our area for family. So far, no luck.
I have tried not to get my hopes up to much, because I know he needs to do this one day at a time. I have lived my whole life that way. Taking one day at a time, but your right,,,,Sometimes I do get my hopes up way too much!!He is now in intensive out patient. His drug of choice is oxycontin. He had took other pain pills, but that was drug of choice.
Thanks again!
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Hi Sweetpea,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
I am the mom of 2 addict sons, one is 29, the other 34. One is sober, the oldest, not so much.
I sure hope this rehab points your son in the direction he wants to go in with his life. It's hard for us parents, because we are POWERLESS to do anything regarding THEIR addiction. We can give our support though.
Try to attend meetings, and leave your son to his own recovery.
It's gets extremely frustrating when we try to control any outcomes, except our own.
One more thing, before you do anything for your son, ask yourself if it's something he could truly do on his own...
Hugs to you, prayers for your son.
I'm glad you found us!
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
I am the mom of 2 addict sons, one is 29, the other 34. One is sober, the oldest, not so much.
I sure hope this rehab points your son in the direction he wants to go in with his life. It's hard for us parents, because we are POWERLESS to do anything regarding THEIR addiction. We can give our support though.
Try to attend meetings, and leave your son to his own recovery.
It's gets extremely frustrating when we try to control any outcomes, except our own.
One more thing, before you do anything for your son, ask yourself if it's something he could truly do on his own...
Hugs to you, prayers for your son.
I'm glad you found us!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Hi Sweetpea...welcome! There truly are so many wonderful caring folks here who have been there (or are there now) and understand. Finding others who shared my pain and for whom I could look for experience, strength and hope, was my first step in my own recovery as a mom of 2 addicted daughters. I say it often, coming to SR and going to Naranon meetings saved my life.
I'm so glad your son has chosen treatment and that it is 90 days. From my own experience, it seemed as if my daughter was just starting to come out of the fog and be more the child I knew when 30 days was up. Opiates mess with the receptors in the brain, so our kids face not only the challenge of addiction (mildly stated) but the physical healing and restoration of a more normal thought process. I believe the more time in a structured environment, the better the chances. I also agree that it is usually much better for both if the child is in a sober living facility and not living home in early recovery. I don't view that like a punishment, I view it as the best way for me to focus on me and my daughter to focus on herself. I'm a work in progress and the worst thing I can do for her and me is to get myself involved in trying to "help." I'd much rather be the sideline cheerleader and let her friends in recovery help her on her path.
I also would suggest that while he is away it is a great time for you and your husband to work your own recovery. Addiction is a family disease. Naranon and Alanon helped me so much to recognize my role in this illness and to change what I could...me. Hugs...hope you stick around...it's a great place!
I'm so glad your son has chosen treatment and that it is 90 days. From my own experience, it seemed as if my daughter was just starting to come out of the fog and be more the child I knew when 30 days was up. Opiates mess with the receptors in the brain, so our kids face not only the challenge of addiction (mildly stated) but the physical healing and restoration of a more normal thought process. I believe the more time in a structured environment, the better the chances. I also agree that it is usually much better for both if the child is in a sober living facility and not living home in early recovery. I don't view that like a punishment, I view it as the best way for me to focus on me and my daughter to focus on herself. I'm a work in progress and the worst thing I can do for her and me is to get myself involved in trying to "help." I'd much rather be the sideline cheerleader and let her friends in recovery help her on her path.
I also would suggest that while he is away it is a great time for you and your husband to work your own recovery. Addiction is a family disease. Naranon and Alanon helped me so much to recognize my role in this illness and to change what I could...me. Hugs...hope you stick around...it's a great place!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hardy Ky
Posts: 170
Mooselips and greeteachday,
I sincerely appreciate your response!! I find myself checking to see if I had any replies. We, as a family have had our ups and downs. You see, I have a younger son who is 17 yrs old and my older son would talk to him about all his drug problems. My younger son held this in for 2 yrs. Keep in mind that both my younger son and older son are very private individuals. If they know a secrete, it will go to grave with them. I had raised them to be that way, but knowing what I know now...That is scary!!! We are working as a family to be more open with each other. That is our biggest issue!!! I have a wonderful husband who is so supportive. That along is a big help! But we are also working on lifestyle changes for ourselves. We've been married 21 yrs. (high school sweethearts) and this is definitely a challenge. Keep us in your prays and hugs!!
Sincerely,
Sweetpea
I sincerely appreciate your response!! I find myself checking to see if I had any replies. We, as a family have had our ups and downs. You see, I have a younger son who is 17 yrs old and my older son would talk to him about all his drug problems. My younger son held this in for 2 yrs. Keep in mind that both my younger son and older son are very private individuals. If they know a secrete, it will go to grave with them. I had raised them to be that way, but knowing what I know now...That is scary!!! We are working as a family to be more open with each other. That is our biggest issue!!! I have a wonderful husband who is so supportive. That along is a big help! But we are also working on lifestyle changes for ourselves. We've been married 21 yrs. (high school sweethearts) and this is definitely a challenge. Keep us in your prays and hugs!!
Sincerely,
Sweetpea
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Welcome Sweetpea
I am another mom of an 21 year old addict and a 17 year old sober daughter.
Great advise before me.
I think the hardest thing for me to realize was that I was "loving my dalughter to death". By that, I mea I was enabaling her so much that she couldn't learn lifes' lessons. Of course at the time, I thought I was doing all the right things.
Out of love for her.
Now I realize I was only prolonging her suffering any consequences for her actions.
I am glad you found this site - there are so many wonderful people.
HUGS
I am another mom of an 21 year old addict and a 17 year old sober daughter.
Great advise before me.
I think the hardest thing for me to realize was that I was "loving my dalughter to death". By that, I mea I was enabaling her so much that she couldn't learn lifes' lessons. Of course at the time, I thought I was doing all the right things.
Out of love for her.
Now I realize I was only prolonging her suffering any consequences for her actions.
I am glad you found this site - there are so many wonderful people.
HUGS
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I'm the mother of a recovering heroin addict, my son turns 23 next week and lives with me. I am my son's biggist enabler, I am working on myself and in doing so I am helping him, (not enabling any longer, well, doing my best not to anyway). I have learned from him, from this website and from naranon meetings that I don't have to handle him at all and neither do you. It is best that he works his program on his own with his sponsor. No need to tell him to change his friends and cell number or anything else, he already knows more about recovery than we do.
Just live your life and enjoy his recovery,
Just live your life and enjoy his recovery,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hardy Ky
Posts: 170
Thanks Havehope and rahsue.
You both have words of wisdom. I am trying so hard not to be an enabler of my son. I am truly trying to change the way I approach things. My biggest problem is asking questions and if I don't like the answer I question why he feels that way. I even got to the point where I prayed that the Lord would give this disease to me, instead of my son. Countless nights of no sleep and oceans of tears began to make me realize that I have to be strong and supportive regardless if I don't understand it. I began educating myself on finding ways of how to find out if he was doing drugs. Snooping and such...Checking bank accounts...Believe me I was scared, but I wanted to know. I even felt guilty! I thought what if he is not doing anything and here I am snooping to find out if he is.
I find that a lot of parents don't want to know. They are in denial about the son or daughter. But I honestly was so scared for my son, that I could have not stood myself if I had known and didn't try something to help him. My son told me the amounts of OXY that he took and it's truly a miracle that he is alive today.
Sometimes I do get confused on how much to help.
In that way I mean: He is always asking me for advise and often will want me to make decisions for him...Seems unsure of himself at times. I want to answer and tell him what to do. It's like watching your child drowning and you can't jump in to help. But then I stop myself and leave the decision up to him. That is very hard!!
Thanks so much for your advise and wisdom! I think in some ways I might be enabling him and I will definitely have to work on that!! I sure hope I can find some place that has meetings for families in the area, but so far nothing. This website has helped me so much!! Thanks to wonderful people such as yourselves:ghug
I will pray for your families on their recovery. Please keep my family in your prayers.
Sincerely,
Machele
You both have words of wisdom. I am trying so hard not to be an enabler of my son. I am truly trying to change the way I approach things. My biggest problem is asking questions and if I don't like the answer I question why he feels that way. I even got to the point where I prayed that the Lord would give this disease to me, instead of my son. Countless nights of no sleep and oceans of tears began to make me realize that I have to be strong and supportive regardless if I don't understand it. I began educating myself on finding ways of how to find out if he was doing drugs. Snooping and such...Checking bank accounts...Believe me I was scared, but I wanted to know. I even felt guilty! I thought what if he is not doing anything and here I am snooping to find out if he is.
I find that a lot of parents don't want to know. They are in denial about the son or daughter. But I honestly was so scared for my son, that I could have not stood myself if I had known and didn't try something to help him. My son told me the amounts of OXY that he took and it's truly a miracle that he is alive today.
Sometimes I do get confused on how much to help.
In that way I mean: He is always asking me for advise and often will want me to make decisions for him...Seems unsure of himself at times. I want to answer and tell him what to do. It's like watching your child drowning and you can't jump in to help. But then I stop myself and leave the decision up to him. That is very hard!!
Thanks so much for your advise and wisdom! I think in some ways I might be enabling him and I will definitely have to work on that!! I sure hope I can find some place that has meetings for families in the area, but so far nothing. This website has helped me so much!! Thanks to wonderful people such as yourselves:ghug
I will pray for your families on their recovery. Please keep my family in your prayers.
Sincerely,
Machele
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. i am also the mom of an addict son. i love my son as much as any mom loves there children. this site & meetings have saved my sanity. with my recovery i learned that i can not change him. i spend thousands of dollars on rehabs, bails, lawyers & none of this helped him. he can only help himself. there is nothing you can do to keep him clean.he will find a way to use if that is what he wants to do. the 3c's are, you did not CAUSE it,you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. set boundries for him when he gets home. be ready to enforce them if they are broke. i wish you luck with him.it is a long ,hard road with an addict. prayers for you,your son & your family.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Hi Machele, I am another mom of an addicted child who has not yet chosen to get well.. It truly has to be the hardest thing for us moms not to respond to our 'instincts', when we see our children in pain. Hard enough with the normal stuff, but to have to stand back and let them find their feet in the struggle that is addiction, feels like going against our instincts but it is what we must do.... SR and alanon have helped me to do that. It is a day to day work in progress.Learn about the disease and learn how to stay out of the way. You'll get real good at it, you'll see and we're always here to cheer you on and comiserate!
I am glad you have found us and so happy that your child is in rehab.
hugs,
grateful
I am glad you have found us and so happy that your child is in rehab.
hugs,
grateful
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Sweetpea
Another thing that we have learned is to take one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time lol.
You sound like a very caring and loving mom. Your son is lucky to have a mom like you.
Keep reading and [osting. Life does get better for us.
Another thing that we have learned is to take one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time lol.
You sound like a very caring and loving mom. Your son is lucky to have a mom like you.
Keep reading and [osting. Life does get better for us.
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
Hi Sweetpea,
Good onya for reaching out. I was in active addiction for 26 years. Had 20 years clean at one point and then took a holiday (relapsed) using Alcohol for 11 years. Learnt I can't use any drug at all. Been clean nearly 3 years now. I am an active member of Narcotics Anonymous and about 2 years ago the compulsion and obsession wes removed, I no longer obsess about drugs. Today I work on living life and accepting what is as well as clearing away the debris of my past and getting to know who I am so that I can see others better and be in life more activley.
I still do life/recovery one day at a time and never forget that I am an addict and each day check what I am doing and trying to put my spiritual principles into practice.
I no longer take drugs and as a consequence, no longer live in fear, anger hatred, depression, no longer steal, lie cheat manipulate.
I live a simple full life and am grateful even when life gets tough as of course it does sometimes. I never feel alone anymore and I mean NEVER, I feel lonely at times but thats different.
Sounds like you son has made a great start and all the advice you have got here about Naranon and accpentance and realising that you cant fix him nobody can but we can all support each other when we are in recovery for ourselves.
Bless you.
Kevin
Good onya for reaching out. I was in active addiction for 26 years. Had 20 years clean at one point and then took a holiday (relapsed) using Alcohol for 11 years. Learnt I can't use any drug at all. Been clean nearly 3 years now. I am an active member of Narcotics Anonymous and about 2 years ago the compulsion and obsession wes removed, I no longer obsess about drugs. Today I work on living life and accepting what is as well as clearing away the debris of my past and getting to know who I am so that I can see others better and be in life more activley.
I still do life/recovery one day at a time and never forget that I am an addict and each day check what I am doing and trying to put my spiritual principles into practice.
I no longer take drugs and as a consequence, no longer live in fear, anger hatred, depression, no longer steal, lie cheat manipulate.
I live a simple full life and am grateful even when life gets tough as of course it does sometimes. I never feel alone anymore and I mean NEVER, I feel lonely at times but thats different.
Sounds like you son has made a great start and all the advice you have got here about Naranon and accpentance and realising that you cant fix him nobody can but we can all support each other when we are in recovery for ourselves.
Bless you.
Kevin
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hardy Ky
Posts: 170
Thanks Kevin and Terri,
You are all such wonderful individuals. I am truly blessed that I have found this site. Can I say, this is a very healing experience for me. Can that be possible? So soon? The words of wisdom has touched my very soul. God is Great!! He has sent so many special people my way. I thank you so much! My son is looking forward to checking out this site. I have told him all about it! He is a wonderful young!
God Bless you all,
Machele
You are all such wonderful individuals. I am truly blessed that I have found this site. Can I say, this is a very healing experience for me. Can that be possible? So soon? The words of wisdom has touched my very soul. God is Great!! He has sent so many special people my way. I thank you so much! My son is looking forward to checking out this site. I have told him all about it! He is a wonderful young!
God Bless you all,
Machele
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