Newcomer...

I left my drug addict boyfriend a few weeks ago. It's a mess of financial issues now that are keeping me having to deal with him. I'm more than ready to move on - I know I stayed longer than I should have, and I think I was more than ready to be done with him by the time I left. What I don't understand now though, is how to disentangle myself from his chaos... He keeps calling - I mostly don't answer, but have to talk to him about some things because of all the stuff we need to work out. If it's not him calling, it's a friend or family member calling, offering to pay me for things or take care of things for me - basically just enabling him.
I know they all have to get to the point that I reached did on their own - just like I did. But what I don't understand is how to explain to them that I'm DONE. That as much as I love him, I just CAN'T do it anymore. Because then the answer is, well, if you loved him..... feel free to fill in the blank.
Any input on how to deal with the other people who still aren't ready to let go... I think the hardest part of leaving him isn't actually leaving him, it's trying to explain the problems to those who aren't willing to listen.

jehnifer

Welcome Newcomer! I am a newcomer also. This site is a GREAT place to receive support and not feel so alone in our situations. One thing comes to mind about your dealing with concerned friends/family...Is there a way for you to distance yourself from these people? You dont really owe them any more explanations, and you can thank them kindly (once) for their support and willingness to help you out, but it would not be considered rude to ignore their continunal calls. And your actions will speak louder than your words anyway. It probably isnt sinking in when you tell them you are truly done with him. Its now time to focus on yourself and your needs for strength. Addressing these people and their concerns will only take energy away from your own recovery. Make it a priority today to focus on yourself and what you need to begin feeling better.

Newcomer...

Thank you - I know all that I guess - it's just doing it that is much harder.... It's hard to have people you care about blaming you for things that you KNOW aren't your fault. Hopefully all the financial stuff can be straightened out soon - though if he's spending all his money on drugs, I don't know how it will be... then I truly can walk away.

kj21

I know it is so hard. I still have peole asking me if we are really done? we were together for 10 years +. Everyone thinks we were such a good couple...and we were, once upon a time. Its not up to you to explain it to them, just ask them to understand you are both going through a very hard time and it is hard to explain to others. Keep your chin up!!

holdingouthope

Hi Newcomer - My AH and I recently separated. Sorting out the financial stuff is a pain in the you-know-what. When my AH's dad or even my own family members call with questions about what AH is going to do about this or that, I try to be as direct but polite as possible. My AH's dad in particular calls with questions about how AH is going to manage paying his bills and asks me what I think "we" should do about it.

I remind him that there is no "we" and that we are each making the decisions we need to individually to look out for our own best interests. The one thing that always seems to work is "I'm sure you/he will make the right decision."

Newcomer...

It is really hard. I hate knowing that I'm doing the right thing, and knowing that he's the one with the problem, but being made to feel crazy when I stand up for what I know is true. I know it's all part of the game and the manipulation. But knowing what it is doesn't necessarily make it easier to live it.

hope213

you are in the right place, welcome. the only way i know how to deal with people that can not understand how i can do things i do with my a.s. is be point blank about it. i tell them....drugs are his problem & taking care of myself i what i am all about. i can not take care of myself when i am taking care of him. there is nothing i can do for him. i tried it all & it does not work. i am in a program that tells me it is "hands off the addict" & that is what i am doing to do.what he does is his business & mine is mine......... nothing more nothing less, i walk away or hang up.you are doing the right things for you & that is a good thing. prayers,

Newcomer...

Thank you all for your support and advice for dealing with others who don't support my decisions. Even the ones who do support my decisions - they still don't understand where I'm coming from - most of they don't understand why I didn't do it sooner. It's hard to even talk to people who have been there and supported me along the way - because as much as they want to support me and be there for me, I know they still think I was stupid to have been with him in the first place. And in retrospect, I probably was. But I also believe that everything happens for a reason - and that maybe, in some small way, I helped him... Who knows - I suppose only time will tell.

Hangin' In

Newcomer,

I've learned that "earth people", that's those people who haven't lived with addiction and/or in your shoes, cannot understand...period. That's why it feels to good to talk to people here. They have walked the road you are walking, whether it be with a bf, spouse, child, parent, etc.

Maybe some pat responses such as, "Today I'm making the best decisions for my life. As for him, I wish him well."

To be honest, don't expect them to understand those kind of statements either. But at least you can say what you mean, not say it mean, and then end the conversation. You just cannot make earth people understand addiction and your choices.

And I admire you for making a decision to do what is best for you. If you haven't been to Al Anon or Nar Anon, please try to find some meetings. Even though you are ending this relationship, you still are suffering the effects of having a relationship with an addicted person. Meetings have helped save my life.

Hugs,
Hangin' In