Barbdee

The other night my son got arrested for a DUI (his second). He called me and asked us to come and get him and bring $600 cash. My brain just went right into crisis mode and I was worried about my car. I thought if I didn't get him that I couldn't get my car back, but that's not true. I could have just left him there and picked up my car from the impound the next day.
Now I feel so stupid...I had a perfect chance to do what I wanted to do anyway, but I blew it. We are only just becoming aware that he has a serious prob with alcohol, too, besides the crack.
There's a good chance that he will get jail time for this anyway, but the very next night I woke up to find him in my bedroom trying to get my safe open. I guess you can imagine how angry I was. Never woke up so fast in my entire life.
Anyway, I've been kicking myself for not "thinking" before bailing him out. I want a do-over :-)

grateful2b

((((barb))))
gotta forgive yourself and get back on the horse...
All us mom's here are guilty of roaring to the rescue..... the do over can be the next moment you are tested and pass.... thinking dosen't enter into it when our mothering instincts kick in, are you doing alanon? keep working on that codie stuff, k? and keep coming and yaking with us.....hugs,
grateful

marle

Barb, The way I see it is that all of these little lessons for you are adding up and you are starting to see when you are doing things that are not good for you. I made so many mistakes with my daughter, so many times when if I had done things differently then maybe such and such would have happened. But I know that I did my best at the time and have learned little by little to let her go. Sometimes it takes one of those really big duh moments to finally get it. And if your son does time for the DUI then maybe he will learn a lesson too. He will have a consequence that you did not have to force on him. Don't beat yourself up. You are doing the best that you can. Hugs, Marle

parentrecovers

it's ok to make decisions that we regret, as long as we learn from them.

hugs, k

rahsue

Do you know how many people would have bailed their loved one out without a second thought?! you had what my father use to say (I think every serviceman said it)
A BRAIN FART.
Just dust yourself off and get on with it. Your recovery is just fine.

<<<<<<<<<prayers and hugs>>>>

caileesnana

It's hard not to think like a mom.
prayers,
susan

Ann

Hey, Barb, we get to "do over" every day. I know that for me, when I knew better I did better. Trouble was, I was attending the School of Hard Knocks and was a slow learner.

Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and turn to page 163 in the Codie Manual Section 4, paragraph 5, where it clearly says....well, read for yourself...

"When a codie mom screws up, unintentionally or because her mind has turned to fuzz after all the trauma and drama, it is acceptable to start again a little smarter. Of course this works better when other codies are provided with cheesecake to boost their "assisting" energy."

I'm dusting off the steel-toed bunny slippers, Barb, but I may have to put them down again should a strawberry cheesecake be passed my way.

Oh yeah, one more thing :codiepolice

Hugs from another mama who learned the hard way.

kj0975

Cant u reverse the bail? Then he can go back to jail I think I read that somewhere or watched it on Dog the bounty hunter. Just a thought.

Spiritual Seeker

Progress not perfection.
The tendency to rescue is instinctive. It takes time to retrain ourselves.
Hard to believe after you got his arse out, then he goes for the safe. Time to fort knox your house.
Addicton is truly cunning.
I bet you won't be bailing him out again.Well, you know what to do moving forward.

Hangin' In

Hey Bardee,

Now stop that beating up on yourself. I betcha you'll have a chance to redeem yourself. Not that he'll get another DUI (praying he won't), but I bet he will, in someway, get himself into another mess and expect mama to bail him out.

And what will you say at that point? Let's practice, Bardee....

Repeat after me...."Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Good girl....

greeteachday

I like the idea that we get a do over every day...So true. I imagine you will get that do over when he asks you to pay for an attorney for him next...Addiction stinks.

Hoping tomorrow is a better day for you. Hugs

justjo

I hear ya... Us mums are only human and when it comes to our kids, its a natural reaction to help them. But hang on, I dont help my son to take drugs or alcohol anymore and now he is working on his recovery. He wants to be a 'Youth worker' and help others now. Im so proud.

Taking5

Did you bail him out with a bail bondsman? Or did you pay the entire bail personally?

KJ is correct, if you used a bail bondsman, you can reverse the bail and have him arrested any time before the court date. You have a very wide degree of latitude here.

So if you want a "do over" you have one.

sleepygoat

I like it that the priority was the car and not the addict, though!!

hope213

don't beat yourself up over this. it is a lesson learned. prayers for you & your son. hugs,

Barbdee

No, I paid the bail myself. And yes, my priority WAS the car..not my son, sleepy! LOL

historyteach

There isn't a number high enough to count how many times I've screwed up! :rof
But, each time was a lesson learned -- I hope, anyway!

Keep learning. That's all any of us can do.

Shalom!

Barbdee

Well we are back to counting clean time in days not months....13 days clean, can pass a **** test. Plus he had a plan to score yesterday while he had my car to go to court for a ticket. He talked himself out of it on the way though and I'm not throwing any parties, but he beat it for one day at least. It's a darn good thing, too, cuz I wouldn't have taken another relapse.
I did pay for a lawyer for his second DWI. And paying other court costs. All of it's going on his "tab" and he WILL pay back every cent if it takes him the rest of his life. He's been working with husband and I take off $100 per day of working. So the tab is still fluctuating. Plus I'm paying his COBRA insurance to try to get him back into rehab.
Pretty sure I know what I'm doing. Please don't worry. At the very least, I have my own personal slave for the rest of his life...LOL! And believe me, I'm taking advantage of it. He cooks dinner every night, is my dog groomer, trash person, grocery shopper and house cleaner..all that with NO deductions from his "tab". Only working with husband gets a credit.
Also, just realized I lost my post count...used to be up around 800-900 posts, I think. But I haven't been around much, so guess it doesn't matter.
Anyway, thx again everyone for being still here and all your support.
Love, Barb

mooselips

It makes me too tired to even think of all this following him around, I sure couldn't do it anymore.

BigSis

Sounds like you are getting some chances to figure stuff out, Barbdee... I've done a few (ha ... LOTS!) of those myself.

We do what we can live with - and that generally changes over time.


I wish you well and pray your son can find his way. ((hugs))