6 mos. married
Acts 3:16
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 13
6 mos. married
I originally submitted this post to the newcomers forum, but maybe it is better suited here. My husband is driving me out of my mind. I'm so angry right now I want to distroy something. I'm even thinking about calling his parole officer, but... might be a bad idea. Somebody help me. I know what to do, yet I can't do it. I can't stop thinking, worrying, wondering, checking... I think I'm actually more afraid its another woman than his coke addiction... Ugh! I feel so violated!
Here's the post:
Why am i so confused about my husband's behavior? My ex turned me on to crack in 2002 and i lost everything I owned by 2004. I lived in my Honda Civic, traded that for an old camper van that was more comfortable, but it blew up, gave that away to move into a sober living, and when I got kicked out of that, I lived in my boyfriend's mother's car until somebody gave me a Areostar that didn't run to live in. I got sober on October 25, 2006 after finding the church where I met my husband. He was an usher there and we both attended the Celebrate Recovery program. He had just got out of a program called Civigenics (for parolees). He had just done 9 months in Folsom for DUI. He told me everything. I have to say I knew his past was rocky, but, being new to Christianity, I though it was God's will that we found each other. We had everything in common. He had been in his prison and I had been in mine. Everything was great until after the wedding. I mean beautiful, loving, sweet, everything I ever wanted. He makes a fine living and we had been truly blessed! What on earth could have possessed him to even start (assuming he never did it before) or start again (assuming he did). He says he remembers the sound of the "iron gates" slamming on him, and said he never wants to hear them again. He's still on parole, you know. I suppose if he's not using that he could maybe be having an affair, but being "in the middle" of either would cause him to not call me or come home. (he's still not home from work). Checking the cell bill online again. Where is he? Who's he with? Is he busted? Is he with a woman? Is he alive? What's with those stinking phone calls? One minute, one minute, two minutes... I'm losing my mind!!!! I remember that my ex and I had usually a couple of connections at a time. If we couldn't pick up from one, we'd go to the other. Sometimes we would call and call until one of them answered. Or else we'd just drive to downtown LA and pick up there. He usually did all the dealing. I just waited in the car. So, even though I lost everything I ever had to that stuff, I never really did very much of my own "shopping." My husband says he just started doing this right after our wedding last July. How is it that he is so expert at it already? It made me so sick when I called one of the numbers and it was a woman who told me about his addiction. She said she didn't do it with him (drugs that is), he just told her about it. She said he gives her rides when she needs them and she sells him a Viagra every now and then. Viagra? You mean that wasn't real? Or was it even for me? Anyhow, my heart is aching. I can't stop this adrenaline and its making me sick. This whole thing is sick. I wish I could leave. Is he using or does he have a girlfriend? Or both?
Here's the post:
Why am i so confused about my husband's behavior? My ex turned me on to crack in 2002 and i lost everything I owned by 2004. I lived in my Honda Civic, traded that for an old camper van that was more comfortable, but it blew up, gave that away to move into a sober living, and when I got kicked out of that, I lived in my boyfriend's mother's car until somebody gave me a Areostar that didn't run to live in. I got sober on October 25, 2006 after finding the church where I met my husband. He was an usher there and we both attended the Celebrate Recovery program. He had just got out of a program called Civigenics (for parolees). He had just done 9 months in Folsom for DUI. He told me everything. I have to say I knew his past was rocky, but, being new to Christianity, I though it was God's will that we found each other. We had everything in common. He had been in his prison and I had been in mine. Everything was great until after the wedding. I mean beautiful, loving, sweet, everything I ever wanted. He makes a fine living and we had been truly blessed! What on earth could have possessed him to even start (assuming he never did it before) or start again (assuming he did). He says he remembers the sound of the "iron gates" slamming on him, and said he never wants to hear them again. He's still on parole, you know. I suppose if he's not using that he could maybe be having an affair, but being "in the middle" of either would cause him to not call me or come home. (he's still not home from work). Checking the cell bill online again. Where is he? Who's he with? Is he busted? Is he with a woman? Is he alive? What's with those stinking phone calls? One minute, one minute, two minutes... I'm losing my mind!!!! I remember that my ex and I had usually a couple of connections at a time. If we couldn't pick up from one, we'd go to the other. Sometimes we would call and call until one of them answered. Or else we'd just drive to downtown LA and pick up there. He usually did all the dealing. I just waited in the car. So, even though I lost everything I ever had to that stuff, I never really did very much of my own "shopping." My husband says he just started doing this right after our wedding last July. How is it that he is so expert at it already? It made me so sick when I called one of the numbers and it was a woman who told me about his addiction. She said she didn't do it with him (drugs that is), he just told her about it. She said he gives her rides when she needs them and she sells him a Viagra every now and then. Viagra? You mean that wasn't real? Or was it even for me? Anyhow, my heart is aching. I can't stop this adrenaline and its making me sick. This whole thing is sick. I wish I could leave. Is he using or does he have a girlfriend? Or both?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
oh dear newlywed,
what a nightmare. you will receive many replies, i'm sure. it is late on the east coast. this west-coaster is still up. i am hoping the recovering addicts on this board respond to you. they will know the most.
but it is a nightmare for you, and you are traumatized, and the adrenaline and the flood of anxiety and disbelief and sickness is completely NORMAL. it will be difficult to control the torrents of emotion for a while, so just let 'em rip. really. there is no place to go with them but where they take you, for they will eventually settle and you will eventually be able to THINK. for now, breathe deep between the floods and try to eat something and try to get some sleep.
i think you already know what i suspect: he is a multi-drug user who got busted for alcohol but is involved in illegal drugs and is a full-blown lying addict who wished for a new start with a woman he loved and who maybe thought the crazy days were behind him, but that's what the addict mind does. it fools a man into thinking he's cured then it rises up and takes him straight to hell again.
you are not the first woman who ever married a serious addict without realizing it. i did as well, many years back. practicing addicts are brilliant actors, and they are also very dependent. they want someone to love them and to take care of them as if they are children, making no demands of them, and never having any needs they must fulfill. even the most basic needs of human loving relationship. the disease of addiction removes from them any ability to be in loving, honest relationship.
more people will be here soon to talk to you. one of the very best books to get you clearer is a book titled "it's not okay to be a cannibal: how to keep addiction from eating your family alive." it is written by two recovering drug addicts and they mince no words. if you read it, it will firm up any resolve you have as you sort out this nightmare.
newlywed, do not project too far into the future. do not catastrophize. do not act impulsivey and explosively. gather your wits about you once you can think, educate yourself THOROUGHLY about addictive disease and what he and you are likely up against (and thank God for your own health and sobriety--i'm so glad).
addicts who are trying to stay clean can relapse just as easily during good times and great happiness (like a new marriage), as they can during dark, selfish days. if you educate yourself about the disease, you will be able to make some sense of what he is doing and how it is making you ill. and you will know what small steps you want to take in the days to come. it will be a LONG journey, not a short one, so be well-prepared, and brave, and OPEN to revelation, for there is much you do not know and will be revealed over time.
more good advice is on the way from others here who know more than i do.
i am sending you love and prayer. you do not know how this story will evolve. one small step at a time.....
what a nightmare. you will receive many replies, i'm sure. it is late on the east coast. this west-coaster is still up. i am hoping the recovering addicts on this board respond to you. they will know the most.
but it is a nightmare for you, and you are traumatized, and the adrenaline and the flood of anxiety and disbelief and sickness is completely NORMAL. it will be difficult to control the torrents of emotion for a while, so just let 'em rip. really. there is no place to go with them but where they take you, for they will eventually settle and you will eventually be able to THINK. for now, breathe deep between the floods and try to eat something and try to get some sleep.
i think you already know what i suspect: he is a multi-drug user who got busted for alcohol but is involved in illegal drugs and is a full-blown lying addict who wished for a new start with a woman he loved and who maybe thought the crazy days were behind him, but that's what the addict mind does. it fools a man into thinking he's cured then it rises up and takes him straight to hell again.
you are not the first woman who ever married a serious addict without realizing it. i did as well, many years back. practicing addicts are brilliant actors, and they are also very dependent. they want someone to love them and to take care of them as if they are children, making no demands of them, and never having any needs they must fulfill. even the most basic needs of human loving relationship. the disease of addiction removes from them any ability to be in loving, honest relationship.
more people will be here soon to talk to you. one of the very best books to get you clearer is a book titled "it's not okay to be a cannibal: how to keep addiction from eating your family alive." it is written by two recovering drug addicts and they mince no words. if you read it, it will firm up any resolve you have as you sort out this nightmare.
newlywed, do not project too far into the future. do not catastrophize. do not act impulsivey and explosively. gather your wits about you once you can think, educate yourself THOROUGHLY about addictive disease and what he and you are likely up against (and thank God for your own health and sobriety--i'm so glad).
addicts who are trying to stay clean can relapse just as easily during good times and great happiness (like a new marriage), as they can during dark, selfish days. if you educate yourself about the disease, you will be able to make some sense of what he is doing and how it is making you ill. and you will know what small steps you want to take in the days to come. it will be a LONG journey, not a short one, so be well-prepared, and brave, and OPEN to revelation, for there is much you do not know and will be revealed over time.
more good advice is on the way from others here who know more than i do.
i am sending you love and prayer. you do not know how this story will evolve. one small step at a time.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I wish I had something more of comfort, encouragement or wisdom to share, but I am not far along enough to have all that much to share, so all I can do is send hugs for now and hope that those wise people, whom are on this board, can help with wisdom and guidance like Bluejay! Take care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Hi Newlywed...
Welcome to SR. The addict in my life is my exhusband. I'm sorry that things haven't worked out as you had hoped... The only thing I can say is that today is a new day. The past doesn't define you. You can make your future anything you want it to be. Its not easy to deal with a spouse that is an addict. Some people can stay... I had to walk away and reclaim my life. You aren't trapped. You have options and choices and all you have to do is put YOUR needs and desires first. Everything else will fall into place. Its alot easier said than done when your heart is involved...I don't mean to make it sound so easy...but it can be done. You've come to a good place for support and encouragement. I hope you get as much out of this site and the wonderful people here as I have.
Keep comin' back !!
Welcome to SR. The addict in my life is my exhusband. I'm sorry that things haven't worked out as you had hoped... The only thing I can say is that today is a new day. The past doesn't define you. You can make your future anything you want it to be. Its not easy to deal with a spouse that is an addict. Some people can stay... I had to walk away and reclaim my life. You aren't trapped. You have options and choices and all you have to do is put YOUR needs and desires first. Everything else will fall into place. Its alot easier said than done when your heart is involved...I don't mean to make it sound so easy...but it can be done. You've come to a good place for support and encouragement. I hope you get as much out of this site and the wonderful people here as I have.
Keep comin' back !!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((Newlywed)))
What helped me very much was attending Alanon... I hear around those tables your story ALL the time. You would not be alone there - you could do a "reality check" against what you hear there. It helps put things into perspective.
So it doesn't matter if it is drugs or women - the truth is, his behavior is something you don't want to put up with. If that is your boundary, then you have to consider how much longer you are willing to have him gone and not reachable. Perhaps you can let him know (if he is home now) that the behavior is not acceptable. Then make a plan for how to deal with it if it happens again.
There are resources out there for sober women... Women's shelters can help you find them.
If you are unable to take big actions right now (totally understandable) - then at least drop in on some Alanon meetings. They are very good.
I wish you the best.
(((hugs))))
What helped me very much was attending Alanon... I hear around those tables your story ALL the time. You would not be alone there - you could do a "reality check" against what you hear there. It helps put things into perspective.
So it doesn't matter if it is drugs or women - the truth is, his behavior is something you don't want to put up with. If that is your boundary, then you have to consider how much longer you are willing to have him gone and not reachable. Perhaps you can let him know (if he is home now) that the behavior is not acceptable. Then make a plan for how to deal with it if it happens again.
There are resources out there for sober women... Women's shelters can help you find them.
If you are unable to take big actions right now (totally understandable) - then at least drop in on some Alanon meetings. They are very good.
I wish you the best.
(((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I've been there and done that newlywed. It's so hard. Keep focused on your recovery from addiction ok. That is numero uno. Never forget how bad it was and how EASY it would be to go back there. Just one stupid decision away....
What worked for me was to apply all the principles that helped me recover from my crack addiction to recovering from my relationship with my ex. Both take hard work and are uncomfortable at first. But you gain momentum. Put him in God's hands and focus on what you can control - yourself.
Having used in the past, you probably have great insite into what you need to do. You probably also know, that crack addicts don't just "leave". You have to get tough & make them. Tell him you will call the police and follow thru. The sound of those "iron bars" in his head will scare him out of your house... when you are ready of course.
Keep reading and posting. You will find lots of support here.
Take care. You will survive this. It sounds like you have survived much worse.
What worked for me was to apply all the principles that helped me recover from my crack addiction to recovering from my relationship with my ex. Both take hard work and are uncomfortable at first. But you gain momentum. Put him in God's hands and focus on what you can control - yourself.
Having used in the past, you probably have great insite into what you need to do. You probably also know, that crack addicts don't just "leave". You have to get tough & make them. Tell him you will call the police and follow thru. The sound of those "iron bars" in his head will scare him out of your house... when you are ready of course.
Keep reading and posting. You will find lots of support here.
Take care. You will survive this. It sounds like you have survived much worse.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
there is nothing you can do about what your husband is doing. maybe he is not doing anything, maybe so. it sounds to me as if you need to go to a meeting. they are great to get your head back on stright. i am sorry you are hurting so bad. keep coming back here. we r here for you. welcome to s.r. prayers for you both.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
I'm recovering from meth addiction. I consider myself to be pretty strong in my recovery, 2 years 3 months 4 days. I work my own recovery program and it works well, my #1 rule, is my life needs to be Healthy and have Healthy people in it. Sweetie you are not far behind or ahead of me in recovery (I'm not sure) I can tell you if that was me I'd be using in no time. There is no one, no man, no person that I would let destroy what I've built up. It doesn't really matter what he is doing does it? If he's using or cheating whatever he's doing is causing madness in your life.
If you don't rescue yourself right now, You are going to be in some trouble.
Maybe not, but I see a lot of red flags. I would get myself to a some meetings for myself first, and then alanon, naranon, anything. That's me anyway.
I wish you luck..
If you don't rescue yourself right now, You are going to be in some trouble.
Maybe not, but I see a lot of red flags. I would get myself to a some meetings for myself first, and then alanon, naranon, anything. That's me anyway.
I wish you luck..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 9
So Similar
Our stories are so similar. I have been married almost four months. I have not caught my husband cheating YET. I assume it is just a matter of time since he does not touch me anymore. My husband never had a record but is now known to the police for beating me up and leaving my daughter on the side of the road. He was home "detoxing" for three days and those were the best three nights sleep I have had in a month. I am heartbroken and dont know who to deal. Can we be friends? I need someone who knows what I amgoing through
Acts 3:16
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 13
Lost, we are more than friends. We are sisters. Honey, my heart is so broken right now. I made it! I suceeded and got free from my addiction to that incideous drug, crack. How did it find me again? Sometimes I start to think that God must hate me or he is punishing me for my past sins. But I know that isn't true. God is all Love and all Goodness. He only wants what is good and wonderful and healthy and safe for his children. This is not God's doing. It is Satan's. I've only known my husband for a year and a half. He came here from Alabama, so I never really knew anything of his past, except what he told me. I think he has been a sick man for a long time. I met him at church. I thought God brought us together as a gift to each other. Similar backgrounds, both searhing for a better life and desiring to walk in the light of God. Maybe he is weak. I don't know and I cannot concern myself with 'what's wrong with him" anymore. We need to help ourselves, my sister. God will help us. Stay strong. Let us continue to pray for our husbands and to pray for each other. Also, let us continue to reach out to others in need. Give, give, give. Read God's Word and stay close to us. That is His way of speaking to us. Sometimes you can just drop the Bible on the floor and whatever page it opens to, there will be some message there for you from God. God's Word is Alive! God is Alilve. He lives in us and he will not abandon us. May God grant you patience, peace and rest.
Mimi
Mimi
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