Spending money he doesn't have
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Spending money he doesn't have
My AH called tonight from treatment and he sounds well but one thing he did troubled and upset me. He told me to send him $40. Because he owes a guy $20 for buying him 2 packs of smokes already and $16 for making a leather wallet in crafts. I am frustrated because before he left for treatment he had figure out a way to use a credit card bill at a store to max it out agian(I had finally got this card a couple of hundred under it's over limit). So when he left for treatment I made it clear that he was going with no money because there was no money to be had. Litterally. What little that comes in on Unemployment doesn't even cover the rent and bills. He knows that an unemployment check is coming in this week so today he tells me that I need to send him $40 because he has basically already spent it. ARRGGGG. It's not on drugs so that is good. And he is in treatment, so that is good. But he is not thinking or being responsible at all. He is agian spending without consulting and without even having the money on him even. And on Sunday I agreed to send him his fly tieing stuff if he got permission because I did not have money to send to him. Well he got permission so I mailed off his fly tieing stuff today. And after I told him that then he tells me about the $40. It is only $40 but that pays a bill. Sorry for the rant but I am frustrated and tired. I feel like I am the only one thinking about the bills, kids, important issues that need to be taken care of, basically everything. Part of me wonders if I should even send it. I didn't agree to it. He did. I wasn't there. He is. I don't know what to do. AARGGG.
Nikki
Nikki
Ending the Old Me.
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Under a Rock
Posts: 377
If you send him the money, aren't you telling him it's OK that he messed up and spent what he (your family) doesn't have and that you'll cover for him.
Your right, he's not thinking, but he sure isn't going to learn responsiblity if you send him the money.
I say it's his problem, not yours. He spent money he doesn't have, let him deal with the consequences. Money for smokes or money for food and the phone bill - not much of a decision in my book.
Your right, he's not thinking, but he sure isn't going to learn responsiblity if you send him the money.
I say it's his problem, not yours. He spent money he doesn't have, let him deal with the consequences. Money for smokes or money for food and the phone bill - not much of a decision in my book.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
I sent money, smokes, etc. and she never learned a thing!! Next time, I won't send a thing. They learn to take care of theirself w/o us paying the bill. His choices got him where he is, let him learn. Pay a bill or take the kids to McDonalds. Enjoy life, he did!
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by Nikki2003 
So when he left for treatment I made it clear that he was going with no money because there was no money to be had.
Your choice. Boy, I hope I know which one you're going to choose.
If you do choose Door #1,
, maybe something like this: "Oh, I'm sorry, hubby, but I just don't have the $40.00 to send you. I paid a bill with it."See.....it's that easy. If he rants and raves, you can get off the phone (if it's a phone call) , "Ooops, gotta run honey. Dog needs to go out" or something to that effect.
Boundaries... one of THE BEST THINGS recovery has ever taught me. I love 'em! Makes me feel good about myself and actually makes my life much more sane.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
Why is knowing what the right thing to do is so hard to do? If I was on the outside looking in I would say the exact same thing as you are all telling me. But since I am on the inside looking out I am fighting it. Why? I don't want to upset him? Why should I be worrying about upsetting him after all he has done? Isn't he there because of his choices and to learn to be responsible for himself? Why is this such a battle for me?
I think when he calls he and I will have an interesting talk and I am nervous about it. I am going to remind him about what I told him about me not sending him money and so on. And how he made these agreements with these people and I didn't. What would he do if I didn't have the money(currently I don't, won't till Friday) or refused to send it? He has 8 more days in treatment and I don't want the last days of it to be fighting with him but I also don't want him coming out thinking he can still maipulate me like before. One option I might give him is ask him what object of his he might like me to take to the pawn shop for him to cover the $40 to send to him. He has a few little trinkets that could get a bit of cash for (silver belt buckle and so on). Since he spent the money maybe he has to come up with it. He might have to figure out a way to pay them after he gets out. I will let you all know what happens when I talk to him today. I am shaking at the thought because I know he will be upset with me for not doing what he wants.
Nikki
I think when he calls he and I will have an interesting talk and I am nervous about it. I am going to remind him about what I told him about me not sending him money and so on. And how he made these agreements with these people and I didn't. What would he do if I didn't have the money(currently I don't, won't till Friday) or refused to send it? He has 8 more days in treatment and I don't want the last days of it to be fighting with him but I also don't want him coming out thinking he can still maipulate me like before. One option I might give him is ask him what object of his he might like me to take to the pawn shop for him to cover the $40 to send to him. He has a few little trinkets that could get a bit of cash for (silver belt buckle and so on). Since he spent the money maybe he has to come up with it. He might have to figure out a way to pay them after he gets out. I will let you all know what happens when I talk to him today. I am shaking at the thought because I know he will be upset with me for not doing what he wants.
Nikki
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
That sounds like a good idea. My exah used the pawn shops. I always found it humiliating when I found out. I think he should give up something to pay his debts, and then he can worry aobut it when he comes home. good one!
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
i don't mean to belabor a point, but what is wrong with simply saying NO? he is asking a question, you are giving a reply. you do not need to justify anything to anyone. i wouldn't go in to the whole "what do you want me to pawn?" game, cuz that's making a concession......you agreed to this before hand, stand your ground........change the subject, ask him how rehab is going, what is he learning, what step is he on?
Nikki
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Nikki,
We are only telling you these things because we've been where you are.
I will just tell you that every time I tried to talk with my daughter, especially when she was very early in sobriety, it never accomplished anything. I felt like I just had to say this, or she just needed to know that. And you know what? I might as well have been talking to that telephone pole outside. Remember, you are trying to reason with a disease which you are powerless over.
I've learned I'm not giving the disease power over me any longer. Today when faced with situations such as yours, I ask myself, "Had you rather be right or at peace?" I choose peace today. I refuse to get into the ring with the alcoholic/addict because when I do, I actually KNOW I'm making that choice and that makes me acting CRAIZER than the addict.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
We are only telling you these things because we've been where you are.
I will just tell you that every time I tried to talk with my daughter, especially when she was very early in sobriety, it never accomplished anything. I felt like I just had to say this, or she just needed to know that. And you know what? I might as well have been talking to that telephone pole outside. Remember, you are trying to reason with a disease which you are powerless over.
I've learned I'm not giving the disease power over me any longer. Today when faced with situations such as yours, I ask myself, "Had you rather be right or at peace?" I choose peace today. I refuse to get into the ring with the alcoholic/addict because when I do, I actually KNOW I'm making that choice and that makes me acting CRAIZER than the addict.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
I apologize. I realize I might have come across as sounding angry or such in my last reply. I wasn't. That is the problem with written words. Can't see facial expression.
I was more depressed then anything that I don't have that kind of strength or will power to just come out and say "No'. And go on to a different subject. like it was no big deal. That would be such a huge thing for me. I some day hope I get to the point that it is that simple. Right now though if it takes a longer route to get to the same conclussion (he still doesn't end up with the money, or what he wants) then I still have achieved a small step. At least I hope I have. When before I would never have even though of saying no. I would have just sent it and then figured out what of mine to get rid of or what I would have to do without so that he could have that. I can't just jump in with both feet. And I can't even say I will not give in. I don't know yet. I might fail. I am trying my best is all I can say I am doing. I feel like I am rambling agian
Nikki
I was more depressed then anything that I don't have that kind of strength or will power to just come out and say "No'. And go on to a different subject. like it was no big deal. That would be such a huge thing for me. I some day hope I get to the point that it is that simple. Right now though if it takes a longer route to get to the same conclussion (he still doesn't end up with the money, or what he wants) then I still have achieved a small step. At least I hope I have. When before I would never have even though of saying no. I would have just sent it and then figured out what of mine to get rid of or what I would have to do without so that he could have that. I can't just jump in with both feet. And I can't even say I will not give in. I don't know yet. I might fail. I am trying my best is all I can say I am doing. I feel like I am rambling agian
Nikki
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Ive learned when Id give in, hed quickly need more for something hed paid. When I couldnt just said NO, Id only give him half what he asked for, in time I had no choice there was no money to have, and you know what he stopped asking and he managed to get on his own or do without
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Oh nikki~~I do feel for you hon. It's so hatd saying "NO" to our addict loved ones. My sons my problem and I'm just beginning to realize that if I had been smarter and stronger long ago this may all be over by now. I understand what your saying oh so weel~~But look at it this way. It may take a bit but he'll be so proud of you for standing your ground if he can soper up and get into the loop of a good and healthy life. Be strong girl~~~~or your life with him just may fall apart. Hugs and smiles, Bonnie
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:codiepolice
I am an addict
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can't make me clean, though I know it is what you want for me to be. But until I want it. I won't be. You can't love me clean, because until I learn to love myself. I won't be. I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a life style of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experiences. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.
I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see, although I look and sound like your loved one. I am not. That person is in a self imposed prison way deep down inside of my being and what you see before you is an addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. I am a addict and my main focus is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of "helping me" falls prey to my addiction giving it more power to shackle me down a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough. So please don't help me.
The only way for the real me to get free is to be free. FREE to fall as far down as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight and find my way back. To break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean you wonder ...
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF
By not enabling me you will be allowing me to reach "rock bottom". By trusting the process you move over and allow me to find the my own way back. You see, it is in the fight to get free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I will learn to love myself and the more I love myself ... the more I will start to do to better myself, but I myself, must do this.
I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance I take when I use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't reach it you are blocking the entrance.
I know you love me and you only want whats best for me ... but that very love keeps you blind sighted to just what truly is best for me and causes you to act from/out of fear and emotions.
Please for my sake don't try to stop me... just let me go ... move out of the way and let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me ... as far down as I have to to reach rock bottom. Don't try to cushion the fall. Just believe in me and trust the process. Pray for me that when I do hit ... it is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn from my mistakes and live.
Passion
Recovering addict
I read this over and over, hope it helps.
susan
I am an addict
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can't make me clean, though I know it is what you want for me to be. But until I want it. I won't be. You can't love me clean, because until I learn to love myself. I won't be. I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a life style of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experiences. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.
I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see, although I look and sound like your loved one. I am not. That person is in a self imposed prison way deep down inside of my being and what you see before you is an addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. I am a addict and my main focus is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of "helping me" falls prey to my addiction giving it more power to shackle me down a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough. So please don't help me.
The only way for the real me to get free is to be free. FREE to fall as far down as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight and find my way back. To break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean you wonder ...
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF
By not enabling me you will be allowing me to reach "rock bottom". By trusting the process you move over and allow me to find the my own way back. You see, it is in the fight to get free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I will learn to love myself and the more I love myself ... the more I will start to do to better myself, but I myself, must do this.
I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance I take when I use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't reach it you are blocking the entrance.
I know you love me and you only want whats best for me ... but that very love keeps you blind sighted to just what truly is best for me and causes you to act from/out of fear and emotions.
Please for my sake don't try to stop me... just let me go ... move out of the way and let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me ... as far down as I have to to reach rock bottom. Don't try to cushion the fall. Just believe in me and trust the process. Pray for me that when I do hit ... it is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn from my mistakes and live.
Passion
Recovering addict
I read this over and over, hope it helps.
susan
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by Nikki2003
Why is knowing what the right thing to do is so hard to do? If I was on the outside looking in I would say the exact same thing as you are all telling me. But since I am on the inside looking out I am fighting it. Why? I don't want to upset him? Why should I be worrying about upsetting him after all he has done? Isn't he there because of his choices and to learn to be responsible for himself? Why is this such a battle for me?
I am shaking at the thought because I know he will be upset with me for not doing what he wants.
Nikki
I am shaking at the thought because I know he will be upset with me for not doing what he wants.
Nikki
great idea bout the pawn shop
.....sounds like you KNOW what you need to do. get your hands on Co-dependent no more by Melody Beattie for some perspective, find an alanon meeting and keep coming back to yak with us.grateful
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Can I draw a parallel here that I found particularly helpful in my situation? Something I had to seriously address in myself when dealing with my addicted ex was that just like my addicted ex, I had a problem saying no. He had a hard time saying no to drugs, I had a hard time (impossible time) saying no to him. It got easier with practice though. And my life improved.
If you want your husband to step up and start saying no to drugs, maybe you can be an example to him, by stepping up and saying no to him.
The best way to help him in his recovery is to start setting boundaries now and following through on them. It wasn't easy for me, or probably anyone on this website to do, but it's crucial to recovery, his and yours as well! Setting boundaries is uncomfortable and setting boundaries involves saying no. I encourage you to see this as an opportunity to start. Seriously, if you can't say no, what are you going to do if he gets out and uses again? Are you going to say no to that, or are you going to say yes because saying no is too hard and makes you uncomfortable? Just think about it.
Is there a family aspect to this recovery program that he is in? Because if there is, I think that it would really help you (and him) if you attended and then really worked on the things they teach you there. Or start attending alanon or naranon meetings. Or read books about co-depency. Anything to work on yourself and help you get better at setting boundaries (no matter what you decide about this incident.)
You know the sayings "if nothing changes, nothing changes..." Change has to start within you!
Good luck!
If you want your husband to step up and start saying no to drugs, maybe you can be an example to him, by stepping up and saying no to him.
The best way to help him in his recovery is to start setting boundaries now and following through on them. It wasn't easy for me, or probably anyone on this website to do, but it's crucial to recovery, his and yours as well! Setting boundaries is uncomfortable and setting boundaries involves saying no. I encourage you to see this as an opportunity to start. Seriously, if you can't say no, what are you going to do if he gets out and uses again? Are you going to say no to that, or are you going to say yes because saying no is too hard and makes you uncomfortable? Just think about it.
Is there a family aspect to this recovery program that he is in? Because if there is, I think that it would really help you (and him) if you attended and then really worked on the things they teach you there. Or start attending alanon or naranon meetings. Or read books about co-depency. Anything to work on yourself and help you get better at setting boundaries (no matter what you decide about this incident.)
You know the sayings "if nothing changes, nothing changes..." Change has to start within you!
Good luck!
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Nikki,
Recovery is baby steps, not giant leaps. I don't think anyone here is expecting you to just "get it" all at once. People here are just sharing in response to your question.
The good thing about recovery is that you choose what you can and can't do at a particular time. Maybe you're not ready to set a boundary at this time even though lots of people are suggesting you do so. It's okay. Just keep reading, see what is working for others and decide what you want to try.
I promise you that when you take just another baby step toward getting the focus off of him and what makes him happy and get the focus back on you and what is good for you, it will be even easier to take the next baby step...and then the next one...and then the next one.
As long as you are moving forward in your recovery, you're headed in the right direction. There is no time table nor is it a race. Just keep plodding along, doing the next best thing FOR YOU.
Hugs and prayers cause I know you're trying,
Hangin' In
Recovery is baby steps, not giant leaps. I don't think anyone here is expecting you to just "get it" all at once. People here are just sharing in response to your question.
The good thing about recovery is that you choose what you can and can't do at a particular time. Maybe you're not ready to set a boundary at this time even though lots of people are suggesting you do so. It's okay. Just keep reading, see what is working for others and decide what you want to try.
I promise you that when you take just another baby step toward getting the focus off of him and what makes him happy and get the focus back on you and what is good for you, it will be even easier to take the next baby step...and then the next one...and then the next one.
As long as you are moving forward in your recovery, you're headed in the right direction. There is no time table nor is it a race. Just keep plodding along, doing the next best thing FOR YOU.
Hugs and prayers cause I know you're trying,
Hangin' In
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