BayAreaPhoenix

Well, apparently this is not a good morning. I'm still doing what I need to do and feel strong about it all, etc. It's just that sick feeling in the pit of my stomache. I ran around yesterday putting into place to find out if there was a "secret" account of my AH I don't know about - but I doubt it. If there is, I hope so, while I would not be happy since that's no way for a husband to act, it would mean he could actually buy me out of this house. I went to the lender and I can buy him out, it will be tough on me, but I know I can do it, then I can sell when the market's a little better and still get something out of this whole mess. So, I'm sick. I'm scared at what I found out last week - and it was 34,000 out of savings, not 25,000 - his addiction was going to take us down and I didn't even know it. My ignorance could have cost us everything. I know it's him that could have cost us, but my not challenging his behavior for so long let it go on. I guess I'm just so sad. I'm so sad that he didn't want to work on the marriage all those times I cried for it, I'm sad he took away proposing to me in a special way (I don't like big fusses, but he took that to an extreme of making everything so not special - he never got that fusses and special are two different things), anyhow I didn't have a wedding night anywhere close to fun let alone intimate, I don't have a partner as much as I tried, I don't have a home anymore (even if I can buy it or have to, it's not the same) and I almost didn't have anything financially, as it is I have very little. The choices he made to choose drug seeking instead of recovery, I know it was the disease, but it was also his choice to continue. I've been strong, I've done what I've needed to do to take care of myself and I will continue to do so, but this morning I just need to cry, finally. I wish we had had enough good times and good years that I could stick with him through this, but if I would try to stick it out, I would be martyring - codependenting - whatever you want to call it. He has given very little to our relationship to feed the love, he has given so little that the little bit of embers that were left years ago finally died out and now there's nothing but ash, no coal even with a chance of being relit. It all makes me sick, sad, angry, etc. I don't have a baby either because I tried to have a discussion about having a baby with an addict (thank goodness we didn't have one I know), but I didn't know at the time I was talking to an addict. What choices would I have made. I allowed the choice based on a marriage I was working on and hoping that someday he would learn to trust and love and give back. Time. too much time. Anyhow, I'll be to therapy and alanon and NA this week, have no fear, just this morning I needed to get this out. Thanks guys!

cece1960

((((Codeinnewife)))
I know how hard it is to give up the dream of what you thought was a promising future with your husband.

I remember all too vividly the pain I felt when my first marraige failed. I didn't think there was a snowballs chance in heck that I would move out of the pain and into happiness.

I went on to marry again, but sadly that wasn't meant to be.

Today I own my own home, and its my haven. I never ever thought I would or could accomplish that and I'm very proud of myself for getting where I am today.

Today you feel the pain of something ending. You have my prayers that soon you will feel the joy of something else beginning.

((((Hugs)))

holdingouthope

Codeinewife - Amen, sister.

I know the pain of being in that relationship that is a one way street, and I'm so sorry that we both know it.

bluebelle

It sounds like you are doing what you need to do. You are taking care of yourself which is the most important thing. I found that the addict's behavior seem to sneak up on me. I am amazed at how I grew to not expect anything from him. Right now, he is clean. It is weird because he has been there emotionally and physically. He listens to me, and he helps me out with things. He hasn't made a promise and then not kept it. I'm saying this because I am now realizing that I stopped expecting what I should be expecting. I should have somebody who will be there for me emotionally. I should have someone who will help me out if I need to get something done. I should have somebody who will keep his promise. I hope that I remember these things, because if he relapses, or whatever, I need to remember that I deserve these things--that it can be like this. I have to focus on my own things so that my career is stable, I'm stable financially, etc. I also need to focus on my own issues so that I am there for myself. If I sit around worrying about his emotional state, I'm not taking care of mine. My AH's DOC is codeine as well, so I know how he is all numb, and not feeling emotions, and you are feeling enough emotions for everybody! I don't know what to say to you, but I do know that if you work on each day at a time things will get better. I also believe that there is some kind of plan for everybody's life, so you haven't wasted your years with him. That is hard to see now, but hopefully it will become clear to you someday. For me, I really want to help myself, because I don't want to end up in an endless cycle of taking care of addicts, and not ever taking care of myself. I have found that I really don't know what I want, because I am so busy trying to figure out what other people want from me.

It is good for you to keep posting on here. Do you have friends that you can talk to in person? I've had a terrible time actually talking to people about this, but I did talk to one of my close friends, and she was very understanding.

Take care!

familymember

It's okay to be sad. It'sokay to be angry. It's okay to feel... I salute you for allowing yourself to feel...
Thanks for your post.
Someday (when you are ready) someone will be lucky to have you and they will show it everyday through there behavior. Trust people's actions and not their words.

BayAreaPhoenix

Yes, I have friends I can talk to - in and out of Alanon and NA. When I'm with my friends and support system, I do talk and they listen and are great, but not everyone really "understands". You all have been wonderful, and it is helpful to hear others, how you're coping, what you've learned, what works for you, and most of all just knowing that I'm truly understood. It is definitely one of my saddest days. I was told it was probably worse than I realized, and I guess the money trail was the last big revelation for me that it really was worse than I realized. I think it's OK to be sad today. I think I need to be, but I also know I can't wallow. I need to feel what I'm feeling, but I need to feel and deal! I will do my darndest, and with all the help I get here I know I can! Thanks!

BayAreaPhoenix

OK, here's a question. This is where my communication skills are still not quite up to par. I know I need a boundary here, and I'm not sure how to phrase it that doesn't come out a complete horrid - what the f**** do you care? I have been staying at an aunts house off and on since all this started - for months. She lives about 3 hours away. It is inconvenient but since "I'm the one that has decided to end the marriage and I'm the one that doesn't want to work on the marriage" it's not up to him to leave. Not worth the arguing, and he never gets it anyway, so for some peace I go and my boss has been great about it. So, last week as I said I found the money trail and Friday my book-keeper friend put all the pieces together in the picture that made me absolutely sick - that's when I could see that we were going down, and if things had continued he was well on the way to taking us either all the way down or into serious financial trouble by some time this year. I had not planned on taking off again for the weekend as I had just come home Monday but I knew if I even caught a glimpse of him over the weekend I would just let it fly and I needed to calm down and get a few more pieces of information together to then sit down and have a realistic discussion about the house. He had said a while ago that I should no longer email him my comings and goings, too hurtful, blah blah blah. So, I came home from work, through some stuff together and did leave a note on the stairs I'd be back Sunday afternoon. I don't believe in unnecessary worrying either. So, I got an email Friday night or Sat. a.m. saying he would stay out of the kitchen weekend mornings so I could have my coffee. I wrote back thank you and that this weekend he didn't need to worry about it as I wouldn't be back until Sunday afternoon. I then got an email back asking if I was out of town. I don't know why, but I just saw red and did not answer. Where else do I go when I leave? Anyhow, today he just emailed something about an IRS notice we received and at the end said "I guess you didnt want to answer my last email I guess when people ask I dont have any idea". Who asks? The neighbors obviously know we are having problems, they know I go to my aunts, no one calls the house phone anymore - they call me on my cell. I feel very baited here. I feel like he's trying to get me to engage in something. I don't know what. So, how do I say mind your own business and why do you want to know etc. As I said, I know this is a boundary thing, I just cannot figure out a good firm, non-b****y way to say it. Any suggestions?

bluejay6

hello c-wife,
(i hope you'll soon be able to change your member name to something that feels more like you. ) and i'm so sorry for your deep sadness and powerlessness to live the life you so longed for. your values and needs are noble and good, and i understand your grieving.

in the book "the addictive personality" the author writes about three types of people: pleasure-centered, power-centered, and meaning-centered.
it has helped me so much because i now ask myself in engaging with others, "is this person pleasure-centered, power-centered, or meaning -centered (high spiritual standards)?" when i answer that question, then i know how to proceed.

when i read about your situation, it feels to me that your husband is
power-centered, so your independence and growth will be a major threat to his own poor self-esteem. and he may look for subtle ways to become dominant again. the implied criticism of you not informing him where you are could be connected to that.

i hope you will not worry too much about whether or not your boundary statements are b***y. it feels uncomfortable to assert power that way. i still struggle with it. but i always ask myself, "what type of person am i dealing with?" and that helps me strengthen the old backbone.

your life is going to blossom after this dark time, you'll see. and the lessons learned will enable you to love better than ever.

all the best.

hundow08

I sit here wishing there was something i could say, that would erase all your hurt and pain, i know how you feel, i am going through the same sorta situation. It really is rotten peaches. but maybe it will make us stronger in the end.. there will be beauty from the pain. I will put you in my prayers.. be strong.