BBD

After my Dr's appointment and talking briefly to my son today I feel like I'm falling over the fence..To the side I should have been on long ago. My son says he's fine, went to 2 meetings last week and things are hunky-dorry with him. I want to go and visit with him and tell him how I feel. I know your not suppose to tell me what to do on here but I really want some advice. How do I tell him I'm done with the drug talks?? I'm done checking on him?? but I still care about him.(getting a life and sticking to it)) His life has become way to much mine and I'm beginning to feel like I'm sicker than he is. I don't believe him but what if he's telling me the truth..what if he is OK and I'm awfulizing (love that word)). Tell me how you detached and loved when your addict lives so close. Big hugs, Bonnie

Done_With_It

No advice here, (I wouldn't know how) just some big hugs...

BBD

I'm sure I won't now how either but I have to mean businewss from now on....I don't mean to say I'm shutting him out. I just want to make it clear that he's not my #1 worry anymore.......

Done_With_It

I just pm'ed you. 2

:ghug3


and I knew what you meant, I just
meant I don't have a son, lol

cece1960

((((BBD)))
He knows you still care...trust me.

BBD, with love in my heart I have to say that it seems he's pretty comfy with you not doing the things you mentioned.
You don't have to explain to him, just practice telling yourself..."I am going to think about ME today, I am going to think about ME today..."

Let him take care of his business. If he's heading down a wrong path, let him fall and learn a better path. If he's doing well, let him own that...he deserves to.

And as soon as I'm done typing this I will be reading and taking my own advice as it seems I've gone a bit off track with my son as well.

(((Hugs)))

mooselips

Bonnie,
Sweetie, I think you need to start branching out and doing things YOU want to do. He's an adult, and capable of taking care of his own needs. I'm sure he knows why you were so distraught when he didn't call. He knows.

Start attending meetings, find a couple a week, or more.
See if you can find a meeting with a step study, those are really good too.

And fake it, til you make it.

It's going to get better.
You're going to feel better soon, I promise.


Hugs,

CarolD

Reading "Co Dependant No More" by M. Beattie
and Toby Rice Drew's books
would be a good starting place.


You just got some advice

Ann

I don't think I would go visit him to tell him I was letting go, I think I'd write him a nice letter and then begin doing some work on me.

Why do I think that? Because I had to do the same thing and I was surprised to discover how much of what I did for my son was just habit. Going to meetings and working my own program helped more than anything else, and then just filling the time I used to spend with my son doing something productive for myself.

Change begins withing, keeping your mind in a good place makes it easy for your body to follow.

Hugs

bookmiser

I totally agree with Ann.
By going to him and telling him your done, your basically looking for some kind of validation from him. ie: Checking to see if he'd rather ya didn't, for starters.
I know, I've done it. lol
Almost like, "are ya sure you just wouldn't rather", kinda thing.
Ya get what I mean? I don't. lol It's 4:30 am and I have to be at work by 7. lol
Start your change from within. He'll notice.
On my own thread about marrying Step 1, I kinda did what you're talking about.
Texting back and forth bs.
Like, "OMG! Jason just text me here at work. If I don't get right back to him with some support/sympathy/love, he may just hate me forever."
I swear, that's what I was doing. And I've done it before, too. Just too blind to notice it. You really have to focus on you and your own recovery. If your focus turns to him....well, you know where you go. Same here.
I walk right back into the doo doo.
Get your mantra, like Ann said. Keep saying it until You believe it, and work from there. Your gonna do great. Just take it one day at a time and let HP do the rest.
Wow! See? Great idea from me. For me. lol
Stay strong, Bonnie. We're here for ya.
Love,
Linda

helpus

Bonnie, I think our kids can sense when we have changed. When we're not gonna be sucked in any more. With my daughter I stuck to my boundries. I wouldn't tell your son your done, just show him. Actions speak louder than words. Your an awesome mom. You can do this, hang in there.

BBD

Your all right. Another night of barely any sleep here. This time its because of the "Effexor" my Dr. wanted me to start. I went and googled it last night and the darn Company (Wyeth)) has a class action against it. The people on the site are having a horrible time. (up to 4 months)) trying to get off the stuff. Thats not an option here. I'm calling my Dr. this morning and seeing if we have any other options for an anxiety drug. Any suggestions?? Hugs and Good morning, Bonnie

hope213

i would not go see him & tell him but i think i may write him. when my son came home from prison 4 yrs. ago i told him i had a program in my life. i told him how much i loved him but i was tired of being in prison. i told him the 3'c, i did not CAUSE it, i can not CONTROL it & i can not CURE it. i told him he needed to do the right things,that i would not go back to prison with him.4 yrs ago i had just started my recovery program & it took a lot of pratice & work to keep my hands off the addict. he went back to prison & i did not go see him out of guilt, i went 1 time because i missed my son. it was a terrible visit & i did not go back. when he came home this time i had alot more recovery under my belt. he treated me with the respect i deserve & so far has kept this up.he is in jail as of now & he will be pulling more time. i will do what i feel comfortable doing & nothing more. with my recovery i have grown & so has he in that respect. best wishes & prayers for you & your son.

Impurrfect

(((BBD)))

Glad to see that you are ready to take your life back. The one thing that came to my mind when I read your post, is something we usually say about the addicts - go by the actions, not the words. No matter what you do or don't tell him, he will figure it out when you start showing him that you aren't going to let your life revolve around him.

I'm sure he will not accept it easily, but he will get the message.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

caileesnana

Don't tell him anything, let him see the change in you through your actions.
prayers,
susan

Lynette57

An amino acid called L-Theanine and a melatonin have helped me through lots of sleepless nights, and you can take the L-Theanine in the day.
It does not make you groggy or sleepy(the theanine)just stops the anxiety.

2 years of almot no regular sleep about did me in.

Funny thing my AD was always getting enough sleep, probably enough for both of us.

Take care of yourself and come here often, read everything.

This place put me back on track with my own life and slowly things have chnaged in all aspects of my life.

crabby

family is family, if he an,t got you on his site , how does he got and how can he count on. Never give up on him or yourself.

sleepygoat

I'd like to echo the sentiment, "Don't tell him; show him." Actions speak so much louder than words to addicts - (well really, to everyone). but I know where you are coming from - getting that sudden realization that in spite of all I know about addiction and codependency, my life still revolves around my AD - followed by the realization that I don't want to live that way!

Done_With_It

I'm glad you looked it up...

BBD

So am I Done-with-it~~~~~That was enough to make me sick without taking it. I took one last night after dinner but I'm sure thats not a problem....I couldn't believe what I read on there....Scarrey~~~~~thank yopu so much, Smiles, Bonnie Now~~what mild anxiety pill should I take? Paxil~NO! LOL

Done_With_It

Well I am glad, because of everything I told you..... I guess you read a million times over. It just hurts getting off, I still have the Zaps, and it's been a year now.
What about Calms, it's homeopathic, you can get it any drugstore. No side effects, nothing. Maybe you could try something easy like that. My pych. has even told me to
try benedryl over some of these other things, if it's for a temporary thing. I'd try calms
first.