holdingouthope

The drama continues...my AH left rehab one week ago. He was doing great until yesterday, when I noticed he was a bit anxious and agitated. He left for his AA meeting, I left for my AlAnon meeting. When I got home my AH wasn't there, but should have been home long before me. No call from him, only text messages (love the earlier thread, marle) saying he would be home at x time. Then when x time came around he texted and said he would be home at y time. Same old merrygoround. When I left for work this morning I still hadn't seen him. We talked this morning on the phone but I quickly ended the conversation...his words mean very little to me at this point and his actions mean everything. The actions are this - he left my house Sunday afternoon and didn't return when I had left for work on Monday. All the rest in between is just bs.

Just a few minutes ago his boss called me wondering if I had seen AH? When was the last time I talked to AH? He hadn't heard from AH since Friday. I told him the facts - the actions I had observed. He has been really gracious and given my AH a second chance. He even paid his salary while he was in rehab. It sickens me to think my AH is stupid enough to lose his job after the opportunity he has been given to turn it around, but I am not surprised.

Tonight I am going to drug test him. I almost don't care what the results are at this point...I am ready to throw in the towel. My mind understands powerlessness but up until now my heart has been unable to comprehend. I don't understand how I can let go and stay with him at the same time. They seem like mutually exclusive events. This is very sad. And even as I read this thread over I can think of hundreds of other threads I have read that sound exactly the same.

thanks for the vent.

SoberAndy

I'm so sorry to hear this.

mooselips

Holding,
Sorry you're going through this.



Hugs,

hope213

i am sorry for you & your husband. it you know his track record is there really a need for a drug test? what else could he have been doing? he sure wasn't working. i hate this, the drug is so powerful & they do not appreciate anything. saying another pray for you both.

Nikki2003

Sadly I would be doing the same as you by having him do a drug test and I would be dreading the results but basicly knowing what they would be if that is the pattern of behaviour. I am so sorry. Sending hugs your way.
Nikki

marle

Sending some hugs and prayers your way. I bet if you had called him when he was texting you that he would not have answered. I for one can always hear the drugs in my daughter's voice. Hugs, Marle

holdingouthope

thanks everyone.

AH just called and fessed up. He relapsed. More importantly to me - he lied about it over and over again until he was backed in a corner and knew he couldn't get out of it (drug test).

I know what I have to do and that is walk away. For my own health and well being. Thanks for your support. I am praying for courage right now.

mjpaao

holding,
I am also the wife of an addict, and certainly hear your pain. My prayers are with you. I know how hard this all is on you. Take care of yourself, Sweetie. Please let us know how you are.
(((holdingouthope))

BayAreaPhoenix

Hugs too - wish it were different. Take care of yourself!

LstInHISadictin

holdingouthope, I'm in the same situation as you...just about 2 days ahead of you. It's hard, but you can do it. Hopefully good will come out of it for him, but most importantly, YOU will get better.

BBD

Hi Holdingouthope, How sad. My heart is with you and I certainly do understand your statement about getting our hearts and minds on the same page. It sure can de difficult. Stay strong and maybe with your decisions your hubby can get it together...here's hope!! Smiles, Bonnie

exdopeyswife

sorry to here about the pain you are going through. It hurts when you get so let down after the glimmer of hope you feel. stay strong.
:codiepolice

HurtingDad

I can feel your pain of having anticipated hope broken by the addict..again. Stick to your decision..it will help both you and your AH. Prayers to you.

holdingouthope

Thanks everyone. I did it. Last night I told him I wanted out. Since he used yesterday I don't think he was able to process everything but it doesn't matter to me anymore. We are going to put our house for sale and he is going to move out...hopefully for his sake to a sober living facility.

The saddest thing about the whole situation is that last night as we were talking I saw him truly for the first time in a long time and my heart joined my head. I am powerless over the monster that rages inside of him. I feel a bit foolish for feeling like if I just loved him enough, if I just showed him enough support, if I just...the list goes on and on. I can not continue to live in a world of fear and distrust. It is unhealthy.

I woke up with that weight off my shoulders, but a big headache! I feel good though because I am sticking to my resolution - progress - and last night I took a step in the right direction.

nytepassion

No words .. just (((Hugs)))

Passion

BayAreaPhoenix

Good for you! You give me strength too! Hugs and blessings!