concernedsister

My almost 19 year old little sister (I'm a 36 year old mother of 2 and she's my only sibling) has been a heroin addict for almost 4 years now. What was once a beautiful young girl on the honor roll and in the top 1% of her class is now a heroin shooting addict desperate for another fix stealing, lying, and manipulating.

First she dropped out of high school (had to she missed too much school) but she was smart enough that she took that GED with only about a year of high school education and passed easily the first time. She's been in 5 rehabs. The longest was 5 months. Each time she comes out and does great for a short period of time (10 months was the longest clean time). Just when things seem to be going well for her she self-sabotages and relapses. She totaled 2 cars in a year, but is still occasionally able to convince my parents to let her take their cars "to a meeting" or "to buy a coffee".

Well, once again she is using, she is stealing, and as of yesterday, my father kicked her out. She was calling and asking for hotel money. Today she said she was cold and tired and hadn't showered and could I western union her hotel money. When I instead offered her to come to my house and I would stay with her until she could get into detox - that's when I got the truth that she HAD to use tonight and could I give her $40 to get by until she went to Detox tomorrow (promising she'd go tomorrow). She was frantic and insistent that physical withdrawal was unbelievably painful and unbearable. I told her I'd take her to the hospital - she was more frantic insisting that they can't help you.

Now I'm home and my mother and father are at their home and we are all worried about what she might do on the streets to get money or how cold it is - or the snow storm that is coming tonight. She called everyone looking for money to use - she needs that last "fix" before she can go to detox.

I have 2 children at home. They adore her and have no idea what her problems are, I don't want to expose them to that, I don't want my smart 8 year old son to know she's an addict. I feel torn - I can't protect my family and our assets if she's here and I can't stop thinking about her out on the streets.

I finally convinced my mother that she has to suffer through this withdrawal as a consequence of her using - so she can suffer and hopefully realize this is an awful way to live.

My mom cries everyday. My parents argue. This is tearing the family apart. My dad finally threw her out, but is that the answer? I don't think she has a place to stay - her friends and addict friends have all been through this before no one wants to hear from her now. Is the best answer to allow her to live home but no cell phone, no using the car, rides only to a meeting and back, and locking up all valuables? What can someone do if they don't have a place to sleep? Is there somewhere she can go?

The problem is her health insurance will run out in 10 days and then there's no money at all for rehabs, detox or treatment. What happens then when the addict needs help but can't afford it. What can they do? Is it possible to overcome this alone?

I know I'm rambling and wandering with my overload of thoughts.

Thanks for listening.

Michelle

Done_With_It

Welcome Michelle. You did the right thing. Don't give her money, whatever she does out there, you can't control. Others will be along shortly with TONS AND TONS of advice, lol.

Going through withdraw is painful and horrible but you can't keep giving her money just so she doesn't have to go through it, that would be helping to kill her. One day she will have to do it. She'll manipulate and lie to you in anyway she can to get her drug, the brain starts to believe it will die without the drug. It's her addiction talking now and that is in control not her..
I just wanted to welcome you and say you did the right thing. In the long run not helping her will save her.
Welcome to SR!!

:ghug

concernedsister

Thanks Done-with-it. She is a fantastic, fast liar and manipulator. She told me she's have to sell her purse (we got her a coach purse for Christmas) or her body because she had to have a fix tonight but she didn't want to do that so please, please could I just give her $20 to make it through the night. She really thought she could talk me into giving her money to get high! Of course the call didn't start like that, she initially told me she was cold, tired, hungry and hadn't showed in days and needed a place to sleep so could I give her money for a hotel. I only got the truth when I offered a place to stay (she wasn't expecting that!)

It would have been VERY hard, and my husband wasn't happy about it, but I was serious when I said I'd get her and stay with her through the night through her pain and help her get to detox or through her withdrawal. It looks like she didn't need a place to stay after all because she hasn't called back. I guess she found her money somewhere.

I'm just so upset!

Spiritual Seeker

No advice, just sending some support.
It sounds like you know the nature of the beast of addiction.
You have your boundaries right where it sounds like they should be.
It is not easy loving an addict. how great that you are right there for your sis when she is ready to make a choice for recovery.

SoberAndy

You can't rescue her and almost everything you will hear will be a lie. Was she actually scheduled to enter rehab, or was that another lie? These places are not hotels you can check into and out of at will.

After you discovered that the hotel story was a lie, that should have been the end of it. Support her recovery, but never enable her use.

Ann

Michele, sadly even all this won't work, I tried all of the above with my son and he still managed to use. All it did was give him a comfortable place to live and eat while his addiction progressed to the point of overdosing more than once.

It breaks our hearts to have to put them out or deny them our homes, but if love could save an addict not one of us would be here. All we do when we let them live with us while active in their addiction, is invite the chaos and hell that goes with addiction, into our homes and buy ourselves a front row seat to the horrifying drama.

WE are not the only option for those sad souls out in the cold. There are detoxes, rehabs, shelters, and hostels that will all help them if they just ask. Letting them find their own way on their journey will often let them hit that turning point faster. They now have a reason to quit...because they cannot stand the life that goes with active addiction.

What helped me live with this was to go to meetings and begin working a program that literally saved my life. Give it a try, I promise you that you will be glad you did.

My heart and my prayers go out to you and your family and for your sister as well. Addiction truly is a family disease.

Hugs

laurie6781

Good for you!!!!!!

She is manipulating you. This is what Alkies and Addicts do. I know I have been there.

Stand strong. She can go to a shelter. If she sells her body that is her choice.

Please get some Alanon or Naranon for you and suggest it to your parents.

Welcome to SR. You have found a great place with lots and lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H). Yes I am a recovering alkie/addict with many years not only in AA but also at 3 years sober was strongly suggested and pushed by my sponser to attend Alanon. It has been a wonderful addition to my recovery program and in June I will celebrate 27 years sober and 24 years in alanon.

Please remember the 3 C's and remind your folks:

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

Your can't CURE it.

She will beg, cry, rant, rave, scream, cuss at you, all in an attempt to MANIPULATE you to help her one more time to get her Drug of Choice (DOC). Please for your own sanity, do not give in.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care!!

Love and hugs,

P.S. she has places to go. There are SHELTERS, run by Resuce Missions and Salvation Army, and there are Recovery Programs, when she is honestly ready, FREE, yes one is also run by the Salvation Army.

AWEDA

Michelle,
I feel your pain. I too am in this situation I haven't heard from my AH in about 6 weeks. He has been out drinking,the law is also looking for him. I have to tell you it took me a very long time to accept the fact he wants to drink and their is nothing I can do to stop him.Am I worried yes but all I can do is hope for the best and prepare for the worst. The pain of watching someone we love throw their life in the toilet is sometimes unbearable.If he could only see what he's doing I thought,things would be better. He has been to rehab 4 times, mental hospitals,jail.............Sometimes all we can do is love them from a distance and pray for the best. Your sister may or may not get clean,she will drag you down with her. The hardest thing I ever did was "let go" but my life is now better for doing so. We have 2 children also who for the first time in their lives feel safe. I know you want to help her but it isn't fair to the other people in your home.Good luck and God Bless

BigSis

I sat home many a night crying and praying while my daughter was on the street. What I know today is... she wasn't worried. *I* was out of my mind - but she was doing exactly what she wanted and needed to do. She was 17... no job, immature, hard headed and full of herself.

Today, she is 21, she has 2 babies and she is clean from meth.

She also went to a ton of rehabs (4), and relapsed after each one. But those were NOT a waste of money, because each time she learned a little bit more about what she can and cannot control and broke a little more through her denial and delusion.

The truth is - she quit when SHE was ready and for HER own reasons... not mine.

Her using nearly took me off this planet. What saved my life, literally, is Alanon.

Please - take your parents to some meetings... they suggest about 6 of them. Go because I can tell you that attending DOES make things better. For you, for them and for your sis.

(((big hugs)))

jlw1971

Hi Michelle,

I can so relate to what you're going through. I too, am a 36 year-old sister to a former heroin addict, brother. I say former, only because he overdosed and died on New Year's Eve just two weeks ago. He struggled with addiction for most of his life, and my parents and myself were privvy to all of the behaviors an addict brings to the table.

So much of what you describe made me crazy - the lies, the manipulation, the betrayal. We all tried to do our best by my brother, but in the end, the decision lies with them. Although I think in my brother's case, he just couldn't beat his addiction. It had such a power over him that I don't think we'll ever understand it all. He had been through more rehabs than I can count, but was finally working and living with my parents. We thought he had been getting his act together, but come to find out after the fact that he was headed back down that road again. It's just so frustrating and so hard to understand.

As hard as it is, you are doing the right thing. There are shelters out there, and as much as it hurt, my brother made use of them. Like other said, help her in her recovery, but don't let her manipulate you in her addiction. It's hard to see the difference sometimes, since I know how convincing they can be. Hang in there, and if you want to chat, send me a PM.

Jenny

CarolD

Please do not let your sister live with your young family.
Your first concern must be your children and husband.

Your parents also can not help her.
She will steal .... lie and continue to use.
They might find Al non/Nar alon meetings beneficial.


All the above I learned from dealing with my 2
addict/alcoholic adult children. for a decade.
Like Ann
I finally had to turn them over to God's care
to save my sanity.

Prayers and Hugs for all of you

Impurrfect

((((hugs)))

a lot of good advice above. I, too, am a recovering addict/codie. Please do not bring her into your house with your children.

Your sister is not going to seek recovery until the consequences of her using outweigh what she considers "fun" of getting high. Even if she is to the point where it is no longer "fun" and she is doing it just to keep from getting sick, she will not stop until she is ready.

I was homeless and lived a life I am not proud of just to get my high. It was a choice I made, and I could have sought treatment and help at any time. I just didn't want to, until I was forced to (being locked up got me clean long enough to want recovery).

By all means, do not give her money. My dad would come and buy me lunch so he knew I was eating, but I told him not to give me money because I would use it on dope.

I'm sorry this is tearing your family apart, but honestly - the best thing you can all do is let her fall. I would have never sought recovery if I hadn't been allowed to fall on my face.

Also, I think it's very important what jw1971 points out...her brother WAS living with her parents and he still od'd....all the love in the world couldn't save him. You can't make an addict get clean, if they don't want it. The best thing to do, in my opinion, is to "help" them want to get clean by letting them face the consequences of using drugs.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

hope213

there is alot of loving advise ahead of me. i agree with all they have told you. i am saying a prayer for your sister & all of her family that loves her. welcome to S.R. & keep coming back. we r here for you.

caileesnana

Hi and welcome. My daughter is 23 addict. She too was beautiful and had the world. TOday, she is somewhere doing something. I have tried it all, and I mean everything. Today I finally realize (after last week), I am done, she is on her own. Nothing has helped and I am at my end.

Step back and let life happen, let her suffer the pain of withdrawl, let her hit bottom w/o family cushioning that fall. I through a pillow out one too many times and it still didn't work. My AD doesn't want help--she too is a liar, thief, manuipulator and has torn our entire family to shreads.

I understand and you are in my prayers. Be gentle w/ your parents, they are going through hell. I agree w/ impurfect--don't allow her to come home, no matter what she says. I did, didn't work---again. My AD needs help, but not from me.

Prayers and understanding
susan

HurtingDad

Everyone has said what needs to be said, I second their thoughts as I am dealing with an AS, DOC is heroin. He's in rehab now, but he was homeless for 2 years. Get to Naranon. I've only been going a short time but I do feel better.

sleepygoat

It is best to let her suffer the consequences of her using and her relapse. She will do what she needs to do to get by on the street. This may include prostitution, as it did with my 19 year old daughter. Believe it or not, she didn't think that was so bad. She thought she was getting over on the men who payed her, "It was so easy, mom!" when your sister is sick and tired of being sick and tired she will seek help. If she calls you or your parents and wants to get into treatment, then you have the option of helping her. this may involve days of phone calls and babysitting her. She does need medical help (usually) to kick heroin. Yes, there is often charity funding for treatment from the county or the state. They all have new budgets and new $ now, in January, so don't worry too much about that, it she blows her insurance coverage.

Now, the fact that she was clean for as long as 10 months and is well aquainted with meetings is a very good sign. She knows there is help and she knows what its like to be clean and in recovery. Believe it or not, 10 months is a long time in this ballpark. This is a very good indicator that she will seek recovery again when she is beaten -and this may well turn into a bottom that keeps her clean for years (and maybe forever) - but you guys have got to let her suffer her consequences as scary as they may be. Addicts are pretty darn good at surviving. As long as she doesn't die out there, there is every reason to hope for a positive outcome in the end.

concernedsister

There were so many lies yesterday I can't keep track, but no she hadn't called the rehab - she claimed she didn't have a phone for that (another lie). She must have found the money somewhere last night just to get by. Then she called my mom and she picked her up. My mom didn't realize she had gotten her fix (which I explained to her this morning). I told her to watch out because she'd most likely be flipping out soon and frantic to get her next hit.

She woke up this morning and called the detox center. She said they can take her either tomorrow or Thursday but she absolutely must have some to get by until then. My mother refused and tried to take her Coach purse from her but she wouldn't give it to her. My mom found a needle in her purse and tried to get that but my sister was too strong and ran out of the house.

I don't know what happens now. I suppose she'll start calling us later today or tomorrow for a place to sleep or more money. I know I can't take her in my home now that I know she's high and desperate to get more money - not when I have a 4 and an 8 year old to be concerned about.

Now I'm wondering, are there shelters? I don't want her to sleep on the streets. I love her to death, but I need to be strong. I want to tell her that she can go to so and so shelter for a place to sleep and shower but she can't come here. She has to go to detox. She will do anything not to go through withdrawal. Every single time she entered a rehab or detox she made sure she was VERY high before she went in. Get this, she even tried (twice) to convince my mom that the detox would not accept her unless she was noticably high! Claiming they had a harder time getting insurance to believe she had a serious problem!

concernedsister

Thanks Ann. I don't live with it in a literal sense because she doesn't live with me. Of course I love her to death and I hate the toll it is taking on my parents. Unfortunately neither of my parents (especially my dad) believe in support groups for themselves. My dad is adamant that he is not the one that has a problem- she does, he doesn't need support, he just needs her to be strong and quit using.

It is hard to turn your back and know what constitutes enabling and what doesn't. If she were to die on the street from the cold, I don't think my parents or I could live with ourselves regardless of the fact that she put herself there. I do feel like I should do everything possible to encourage her and support her to get help.

I absolutely refuse to give her rides or money or anything that will further enable her using.

concernedsister

Great post. Congrats on getting sober and staying that way. Thank you for your advice. It means a lot coming from someone whose been there. I'm looking into shelters so if she calls I can at least point her to a place she can go.

Thanks again!
Michelle

concernedsister

Sounds like you are a very strong woman. Good for you!

It is certainly hard to let go. I am 17 years older than my sister. Growing up she'd sleep at my house and go places with me and before I had kids she was more like my "first daughter". She was so beautiful, extremely intelligent (in the gifted program), from a normal family, middle class neighborhood, she had everything and no one ever imagined this. I don't know if I can ever let go. I love her to death but I do know she needs to fall if she is ever able to completely recover.