How can we help our 19 year old addict without enabling?
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Originally Posted by BigSis 
I sat home many a night crying and praying while my daughter was on the street. What I know today is... she wasn't worried. *I* was out of my mind - but she was doing exactly what she wanted and needed to do. She was 17... no job, immature, hard headed and full of herself.
(((big hugs)))
(((big hugs)))
"Michelle, I'm an addict, I only care about getting high, it doesn't matter where or if I sleep. Now can you just give me $20." So sad. I understand much better every day and I'm glad there are forums like these for support and advice!
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If she were to die on the street from the cold, I don't think my parents or I could live with ourselves regardless of the fact that she put herself there.
Tell your parents "You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You won't be able to cure it." Maybe get them a copy of a book about co-denpendency to read.
What you can do is stick with your boundaries. Yes there are shelters, but often life on the street is what addicts choose over shelters and getting help. Drugs come first - before family and before your health. It's all that matters when you are using.
When my ex called me for a place to stay, I had a list of free rehabs and shelters in my pocket that I was able to read off to him. I had phone numbers if he wanted them. But he didn't want them. He preferred life on the streets.
Addicts are very resilient and you cannot trust what they say. You are doing the right thing by focusing your love and attention on your children, parents and family. Your sister will seek help when she is done using. But she's not done yet. She is "caught up".
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect
((((hugs)))
a lot of good advice above. I, too, am a recovering addict/codie. Please do not bring her into your house with your children.
Your sister is not going to seek recovery until the consequences of her using outweigh what she considers "fun" of getting high. Even if she is to the point where it is no longer "fun" and she is doing it just to keep from getting sick, she will not stop until she is ready.
I was homeless and lived a life I am not proud of just to get my high. It was a choice I made, and I could have sought treatment and help at any time. I just didn't want to, until I was forced to (being locked up got me clean long enough to want recovery).
By all means, do not give her money. My dad would come and buy me lunch so he knew I was eating, but I told him not to give me money because I would use it on dope.
I'm sorry this is tearing your family apart, but honestly - the best thing you can all do is let her fall. I would have never sought recovery if I hadn't been allowed to fall on my face.
Also, I think it's very important what jw1971 points out...her brother WAS living with her parents and he still od'd....all the love in the world couldn't save him. You can't make an addict get clean, if they don't want it. The best thing to do, in my opinion, is to "help" them want to get clean by letting them face the consequences of using drugs.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
a lot of good advice above. I, too, am a recovering addict/codie. Please do not bring her into your house with your children.
Your sister is not going to seek recovery until the consequences of her using outweigh what she considers "fun" of getting high. Even if she is to the point where it is no longer "fun" and she is doing it just to keep from getting sick, she will not stop until she is ready.
I was homeless and lived a life I am not proud of just to get my high. It was a choice I made, and I could have sought treatment and help at any time. I just didn't want to, until I was forced to (being locked up got me clean long enough to want recovery).
By all means, do not give her money. My dad would come and buy me lunch so he knew I was eating, but I told him not to give me money because I would use it on dope.
I'm sorry this is tearing your family apart, but honestly - the best thing you can all do is let her fall. I would have never sought recovery if I hadn't been allowed to fall on my face.
Also, I think it's very important what jw1971 points out...her brother WAS living with her parents and he still od'd....all the love in the world couldn't save him. You can't make an addict get clean, if they don't want it. The best thing to do, in my opinion, is to "help" them want to get clean by letting them face the consequences of using drugs.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Thanks again,
Michelle
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Originally Posted by sleepygoat
It is best to let her suffer the consequences of her using and her relapse. She will do what she needs to do to get by on the street. This may include prostitution, as it did with my 19 year old daughter. Believe it or not, she didn't think that was so bad. She thought she was getting over on the men who payed her, "It was so easy, mom!" when your sister is sick and tired of being sick and tired she will seek help. If she calls you or your parents and wants to get into treatment, then you have the option of helping her. this may involve days of phone calls and babysitting her. She does need medical help (usually) to kick heroin. Yes, there is often charity funding for treatment from the county or the state. They all have new budgets and new $ now, in January, so don't worry too much about that, it she blows her insurance coverage.
Now, the fact that she was clean for as long as 10 months and is well aquainted with meetings is a very good sign. She knows there is help and she knows what its like to be clean and in recovery. Believe it or not, 10 months is a long time in this ballpark. This is a very good indicator that she will seek recovery again when she is beaten -and this may well turn into a bottom that keeps her clean for years (and maybe forever) - but you guys have got to let her suffer her consequences as scary as they may be. Addicts are pretty darn good at surviving. As long as she doesn't die out there, there is every reason to hope for a positive outcome in the end.
Now, the fact that she was clean for as long as 10 months and is well aquainted with meetings is a very good sign. She knows there is help and she knows what its like to be clean and in recovery. Believe it or not, 10 months is a long time in this ballpark. This is a very good indicator that she will seek recovery again when she is beaten -and this may well turn into a bottom that keeps her clean for years (and maybe forever) - but you guys have got to let her suffer her consequences as scary as they may be. Addicts are pretty darn good at surviving. As long as she doesn't die out there, there is every reason to hope for a positive outcome in the end.
When she told me she'd have to sell her purse or her body (I bought her the purse because she was clean for 2 months and now I realize I should have never bought an addict anything of value that could be sold for drugs!), I said that would be said, you can get help and you don't have to do that, but if you do that will be your loss. If that's what she resorts to, that will be a shame, but maybe that will help her reach the bottom and realize she needs help. Thank you for the encouragement.
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Originally Posted by jlw1971
Hi Michelle,
I can so relate to what you're going through. I too, am a 36 year-old sister to a former heroin addict, brother. I say former, only because he overdosed and died on New Year's Eve just two weeks ago. He struggled with addiction for most of his life, and my parents and myself were privvy to all of the behaviors an addict brings to the table.
So much of what you describe made me crazy - the lies, the manipulation, the betrayal. We all tried to do our best by my brother, but in the end, the decision lies with them. Although I think in my brother's case, he just couldn't beat his addiction. It had such a power over him that I don't think we'll ever understand it all. He had been through more rehabs than I can count, but was finally working and living with my parents. We thought he had been getting his act together, but come to find out after the fact that he was headed back down that road again. It's just so frustrating and so hard to understand.
As hard as it is, you are doing the right thing. There are shelters out there, and as much as it hurt, my brother made use of them. Like other said, help her in her recovery, but don't let her manipulate you in her addiction. It's hard to see the difference sometimes, since I know how convincing they can be. Hang in there, and if you want to chat, send me a PM.
Jenny
I can so relate to what you're going through. I too, am a 36 year-old sister to a former heroin addict, brother. I say former, only because he overdosed and died on New Year's Eve just two weeks ago. He struggled with addiction for most of his life, and my parents and myself were privvy to all of the behaviors an addict brings to the table.
So much of what you describe made me crazy - the lies, the manipulation, the betrayal. We all tried to do our best by my brother, but in the end, the decision lies with them. Although I think in my brother's case, he just couldn't beat his addiction. It had such a power over him that I don't think we'll ever understand it all. He had been through more rehabs than I can count, but was finally working and living with my parents. We thought he had been getting his act together, but come to find out after the fact that he was headed back down that road again. It's just so frustrating and so hard to understand.
As hard as it is, you are doing the right thing. There are shelters out there, and as much as it hurt, my brother made use of them. Like other said, help her in her recovery, but don't let her manipulate you in her addiction. It's hard to see the difference sometimes, since I know how convincing they can be. Hang in there, and if you want to chat, send me a PM.
Jenny
Michelle
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Going to Al Anon
Originally Posted by concernedsister
Unfortunately neither of my parents (especially my dad) believe in support groups for themselves. My dad is adamant that he is not the one that has a problem- she does, he doesn't need support, he just needs her to be strong and quit using.
Check out their own web-site. It's all about helping yourself, but people like your dad don't think they need help. He knows your sister needs help, but where on that page does it say, "Here is the best way to help the addict in your life." It should, even though that means helping LESS. Al Anon is not just about helping yourself. It is about helping the addict. More people would come if they knew that.
I'm sure your dad also believes that he doesn't have a problem because his heartache is perfectly natural. It is perfectly natural. The problem is that acting on it is the wrong thing to do. Al Anon will help him deal with the heartache.
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty
Yes, but what if she was to die in your home or your parents home? Would that make it somehow better? She's not going to die from the cold. She's going to die from using heroin.
Tell your parents "You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You won't be able to cure it." Maybe get them a copy of a book about co-denpendency to read.
What you can do is stick with your boundaries. Yes there are shelters, but often life on the street is what addicts choose over shelters and getting help. Drugs come first - before family and before your health. It's all that matters when you are using.
When my ex called me for a place to stay, I had a list of free rehabs and shelters in my pocket that I was able to read off to him. I had phone numbers if he wanted them. But he didn't want them. He preferred life on the streets.
Addicts are very resilient and you cannot trust what they say. You are doing the right thing by focusing your love and attention on your children, parents and family. Your sister will seek help when she is done using. But she's not done yet. She is "caught up".
Tell your parents "You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You won't be able to cure it." Maybe get them a copy of a book about co-denpendency to read.
What you can do is stick with your boundaries. Yes there are shelters, but often life on the street is what addicts choose over shelters and getting help. Drugs come first - before family and before your health. It's all that matters when you are using.
When my ex called me for a place to stay, I had a list of free rehabs and shelters in my pocket that I was able to read off to him. I had phone numbers if he wanted them. But he didn't want them. He preferred life on the streets.
Addicts are very resilient and you cannot trust what they say. You are doing the right thing by focusing your love and attention on your children, parents and family. Your sister will seek help when she is done using. But she's not done yet. She is "caught up".
Excellent thoughts. I know Heroin will kill her if she doesn't quit. Dying at home would be better than dying on the streets - I think? Your right though, I agree with every single thing you said. Everything she said yesterday was just manipulations to get money to use. When she came home, she didn't even eat - so much for being hungry, I should have known better! For me and my parents, this is certainly an exercise in living through what mistakes WE make in dealing with her. I do feel that each time we are getting just a little better though.
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Originally Posted by SoberAndy
Al Anon is a wonderful organization, but there are ways about how it presents itself that drives me crazy. Al Anon is about learning the best ways to help the addict in your life as well as helping yourself. Often the best way to help them is to do LESS. It's often about doing the opposite of what your instincts tell you. It means letting them sleep in the cold and trying not to feel guilty about it.
Check out their own web-site. It's all about helping yourself, but people like your dad don't think they need help. He knows your sister needs help, but where on that page does it say, "Here is the best way to help the addict in your life." It should, even though that means helping LESS. Al Anon is not just about helping yourself. It is about helping the addict. More people would come if they knew that.
I'm sure your dad also believes that he doesn't have a problem because his heartache is perfectly natural. It is perfectly natural. The problem is that acting on it is the wrong thing to do. Al Anon will help him deal with the heartache.
Check out their own web-site. It's all about helping yourself, but people like your dad don't think they need help. He knows your sister needs help, but where on that page does it say, "Here is the best way to help the addict in your life." It should, even though that means helping LESS. Al Anon is not just about helping yourself. It is about helping the addict. More people would come if they knew that.
I'm sure your dad also believes that he doesn't have a problem because his heartache is perfectly natural. It is perfectly natural. The problem is that acting on it is the wrong thing to do. Al Anon will help him deal with the heartache.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
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Originally Posted by concernedsister
Dying at home would be better than dying on the streets - I think?
Our 19 year old addicted step-daughter overdosed twice, once at home. She had a seizure in her room right in front of her mother. We didn't know until a few days later that the seizure was induced by shooting cocaine or that she was an addict. (We were naive.)
That made our decision about pressuring her into treatment easy. The message has always been firm. There will be no staying in the house if she uses. She is in just as much danger of dying at home as she is on the street.
The choice has been hers ever since. Treatment and sobriety or drugs and the street. It's been a rough ride for the past five months. She was allowed to stay home and attend out-patient treatment. When she continued to drink, we pressed her into her first rehab.
It's a long story, but she then stayed home for two months and continued out-patient treatment. She did well for about 60 days and then relapsed. Again, she was given the option of rehab or the street and she has now been in rehab for the past six weeks and doing OK so far.
During the last relapse, she threatened to leave home for a bad part of town where there is plenty of drug selling. My reaction? "Fine, I'll drive you." And I did. She came home the next day and agreed to rehab.
At the start of the last rehab, we decided to go off on a cruise we had planned for several months. We installed a new lock on the house so she couldn't get in. While on the cruise we had trouble contacting her and became convinced that she had left and was on the street. Her mom was scared but resigned to the fact that it was my step-daughter's choice. When we got back we found it was a misunderstanding and she had been there the whole time.
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Sister,
I am the mother of 2 addict sons. I sure agree with what everyone before me has said. You cannot fix her, she has to do this all by herself. By bringing her into your home, the chaos of living with an addict is overwhelming. Don't do that to you, and your family. Yes, it's very hard for us to vision them sleeping in a gutter, but generally, that's not what happens, they do find someone to shelter them.
When my sons were evicted from here, I had a list of free rehabs, and free shelters next to the phone, so if they called and requested help I would give them the numbers. Once, I drove my oldest to the City Mission to stay.
Stay strong, attend meetings, and keep posting.
We're all here for you.
I am the mother of 2 addict sons. I sure agree with what everyone before me has said. You cannot fix her, she has to do this all by herself. By bringing her into your home, the chaos of living with an addict is overwhelming. Don't do that to you, and your family. Yes, it's very hard for us to vision them sleeping in a gutter, but generally, that's not what happens, they do find someone to shelter them.
When my sons were evicted from here, I had a list of free rehabs, and free shelters next to the phone, so if they called and requested help I would give them the numbers. Once, I drove my oldest to the City Mission to stay.
Stay strong, attend meetings, and keep posting.
We're all here for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Hello and welcome Michelle. Another mom here, addict daughter 21, only child, heroin addict. It was very hard for me to let go of my daughter, but it can be done. Your parents are only allowing her addiction to continue when they pay her tickets, give her a phone and a place to live. But we all do it until we reach our bottom. This place literally saved my life when I was at my darkest point. I now am able to worry less and enjoy my life more. There was a point when I could not even imagine going a day without obsessing about my daughter. Today I live one day at a time. I still have sadness which I believe is grief and something that I have to get through. Stand strong against addiction and remember that you are not saying no to your beloved sister. You are saying no to her addiction. Hugs, Marle
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(((((((ConcernedSister)))))))
Another mom here. My son is now 26. He iv'd heroin for 5 years.
I sent him to jail for robbery, where he spent 6 months detoxing off the drugs.
He came home, thought he'd drink a while.
Now, he's seeing a counselor and doctor every 2 weeks. They haven't determined whether he is bi-polar or Adhd, so they're trying him with different meds. He's never worked a recovery program, so he still thinks in addict mode.
I'm sorry for the pain and heartache that your sister's addiction is causing the family. Until you all hit your own "rock bottom" and say "no more",
then the drama and chaos will continue until she is done.
I've never cut my son outta my life. Just can't, but some days I want to. lol
Just know that your not alone and this is a wonderful place for support, feedback, prayers, ect. Also, going to alanon meetings for yourself will benefit you greatly. Addiction is such a horrible, horrible, disease.
It affects everyone involved with the addict. Take care of you and your family. Mom and dad will just have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Kinda like the addict. I know I've been addicted to my son for many years. I found sr in October 2005 and I will never go back to feeling that lost, alone, suicidal, and afraid, ever again. Recovery saves my life.
Recovery from codependency.
Read everything you can here. Melodie Beattie has terrific books on codependency/enabling/boundries.
Sending prayers up for you, your parents, and your sister.
I pray she gets into detox and then a rehab. The rest is just One Day At A Time.
Linda
Another mom here. My son is now 26. He iv'd heroin for 5 years.
I sent him to jail for robbery, where he spent 6 months detoxing off the drugs.
He came home, thought he'd drink a while.
Now, he's seeing a counselor and doctor every 2 weeks. They haven't determined whether he is bi-polar or Adhd, so they're trying him with different meds. He's never worked a recovery program, so he still thinks in addict mode.
I'm sorry for the pain and heartache that your sister's addiction is causing the family. Until you all hit your own "rock bottom" and say "no more",
then the drama and chaos will continue until she is done.
I've never cut my son outta my life. Just can't, but some days I want to. lol
Just know that your not alone and this is a wonderful place for support, feedback, prayers, ect. Also, going to alanon meetings for yourself will benefit you greatly. Addiction is such a horrible, horrible, disease.
It affects everyone involved with the addict. Take care of you and your family. Mom and dad will just have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Kinda like the addict. I know I've been addicted to my son for many years. I found sr in October 2005 and I will never go back to feeling that lost, alone, suicidal, and afraid, ever again. Recovery saves my life.
Recovery from codependency.
Read everything you can here. Melodie Beattie has terrific books on codependency/enabling/boundries.
Sending prayers up for you, your parents, and your sister.
I pray she gets into detox and then a rehab. The rest is just One Day At A Time.
Linda
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: NJ
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by SoberAndy
Dying is dying, whether it's at home or on a frozen sidewalk. The question is where is she most likely to decide to change. Facing a cold miserable lief on the street can do that.
Our 19 year old addicted step-daughter overdosed twice, once at home. She had a seizure in her room right in front of her mother. We didn't know until a few days later that the seizure was induced by shooting cocaine or that she was an addict. (We were naive.)
That made our decision about pressuring her into treatment easy. The message has always been firm. There will be no staying in the house if she uses. She is in just as much danger of dying at home as she is on the street.
The choice has been hers ever since. Treatment and sobriety or drugs and the street. It's been a rough ride for the past five months. She was allowed to stay home and attend out-patient treatment. When she continued to drink, we pressed her into her first rehab.
It's a long story, but she then stayed home for two months and continued out-patient treatment. She did well for about 60 days and then relapsed. Again, she was given the option of rehab or the street and she has now been in rehab for the past six weeks and doing OK so far.
During the last relapse, she threatened to leave home for a bad part of town where there is plenty of drug selling. My reaction? "Fine, I'll drive you." And I did. She came home the next day and agreed to rehab.
At the start of the last rehab, we decided to go off on a cruise we had planned for several months. We installed a new lock on the house so she couldn't get in. While on the cruise we had trouble contacting her and became convinced that she had left and was on the street. Her mom was scared but resigned to the fact that it was my step-daughter's choice. When we got back we found it was a misunderstanding and she had been there the whole time.
Our 19 year old addicted step-daughter overdosed twice, once at home. She had a seizure in her room right in front of her mother. We didn't know until a few days later that the seizure was induced by shooting cocaine or that she was an addict. (We were naive.)
That made our decision about pressuring her into treatment easy. The message has always been firm. There will be no staying in the house if she uses. She is in just as much danger of dying at home as she is on the street.
The choice has been hers ever since. Treatment and sobriety or drugs and the street. It's been a rough ride for the past five months. She was allowed to stay home and attend out-patient treatment. When she continued to drink, we pressed her into her first rehab.
It's a long story, but she then stayed home for two months and continued out-patient treatment. She did well for about 60 days and then relapsed. Again, she was given the option of rehab or the street and she has now been in rehab for the past six weeks and doing OK so far.
During the last relapse, she threatened to leave home for a bad part of town where there is plenty of drug selling. My reaction? "Fine, I'll drive you." And I did. She came home the next day and agreed to rehab.
At the start of the last rehab, we decided to go off on a cruise we had planned for several months. We installed a new lock on the house so she couldn't get in. While on the cruise we had trouble contacting her and became convinced that she had left and was on the street. Her mom was scared but resigned to the fact that it was my step-daughter's choice. When we got back we found it was a misunderstanding and she had been there the whole time.
My parents would love nothing more than to enforce a "you can't come home until rehab rule" but the problem is that there are absolutely no funds for rehab other than 10 days of detox remaining on insurance and we can't find a rehab that is willing to take her for free. I guess addicts have to rely on whatever support they can get from NA when they obviously need so much more. It's tragic when you think maybe if you had more money to send her to a better place - longer program, that maybe she'd make it.
As you know, unfortunately from experience, none of this is easy. I just want to shake her and scream "why do you do this, Just stop and your life will be great". Some people do drugs because they have problems but for her drugs ARE her problem. She's a wonderful, intelligent, sweet girl that everyone adores when she's clean.
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Originally Posted by marle
Hello and welcome Michelle. Another mom here, addict daughter 21, only child, heroin addict. It was very hard for me to let go of my daughter, but it can be done. Your parents are only allowing her addiction to continue when they pay her tickets, give her a phone and a place to live. But we all do it until we reach our bottom. This place literally saved my life when I was at my darkest point. I now am able to worry less and enjoy my life more. There was a point when I could not even imagine going a day without obsessing about my daughter. Today I live one day at a time. I still have sadness which I believe is grief and something that I have to get through. Stand strong against addiction and remember that you are not saying no to your beloved sister. You are saying no to her addiction. Hugs, Marle
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Originally Posted by bookmiser
(((((((ConcernedSister)))))))
Another mom here. My son is now 26. He iv'd heroin for 5 years.
I sent him to jail for robbery, where he spent 6 months detoxing off the drugs.
He came home, thought he'd drink a while.
Now, he's seeing a counselor and doctor every 2 weeks. They haven't determined whether he is bi-polar or Adhd, so they're trying him with different meds. He's never worked a recovery program, so he still thinks in addict mode.
I'm sorry for the pain and heartache that your sister's addiction is causing the family. Until you all hit your own "rock bottom" and say "no more",
then the drama and chaos will continue until she is done.
I've never cut my son outta my life. Just can't, but some days I want to. lol
Just know that your not alone and this is a wonderful place for support, feedback, prayers, ect. Also, going to alanon meetings for yourself will benefit you greatly. Addiction is such a horrible, horrible, disease.
It affects everyone involved with the addict. Take care of you and your family. Mom and dad will just have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Kinda like the addict. I know I've been addicted to my son for many years. I found sr in October 2005 and I will never go back to feeling that lost, alone, suicidal, and afraid, ever again. Recovery saves my life.
Recovery from codependency.
Read everything you can here. Melodie Beattie has terrific books on codependency/enabling/boundries.
Sending prayers up for you, your parents, and your sister.
I pray she gets into detox and then a rehab. The rest is just One Day At A Time.
Linda
Another mom here. My son is now 26. He iv'd heroin for 5 years.
I sent him to jail for robbery, where he spent 6 months detoxing off the drugs.
He came home, thought he'd drink a while.
Now, he's seeing a counselor and doctor every 2 weeks. They haven't determined whether he is bi-polar or Adhd, so they're trying him with different meds. He's never worked a recovery program, so he still thinks in addict mode.
I'm sorry for the pain and heartache that your sister's addiction is causing the family. Until you all hit your own "rock bottom" and say "no more",
then the drama and chaos will continue until she is done.
I've never cut my son outta my life. Just can't, but some days I want to. lol
Just know that your not alone and this is a wonderful place for support, feedback, prayers, ect. Also, going to alanon meetings for yourself will benefit you greatly. Addiction is such a horrible, horrible, disease.
It affects everyone involved with the addict. Take care of you and your family. Mom and dad will just have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Kinda like the addict. I know I've been addicted to my son for many years. I found sr in October 2005 and I will never go back to feeling that lost, alone, suicidal, and afraid, ever again. Recovery saves my life.
Recovery from codependency.
Read everything you can here. Melodie Beattie has terrific books on codependency/enabling/boundries.
Sending prayers up for you, your parents, and your sister.
I pray she gets into detox and then a rehab. The rest is just One Day At A Time.
Linda
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by concernedsister
Yes, dying is dying, but if she dies on the street, the whole family will have that on their conscience, that she was alone and on the street. I'd like to think at home they could monitor her better and see if she was having serious problems, maybe not, but in any case, at least she was home - they provided a place for her to live and because of her own actions she died, etc. Does that make sense?
What you say does make sense, but for us we found it just didn't work. My SD is legally an adult. The only leverage we have over her is letting her live at home or not. She's had jobs, but can't hold one if she's using.
How would you monitor her? One option might be a day treatment program where they test her several times per week. Will she agree to that? What if she skips out on it? This worked well for my SD for about 60 days after first rehab, but she relapsed and started cheating on the urine tests. (Yes, it can be done.) It's a moot point if she won't agree to it.
When SD relapsed, we found her in the downstairs guest bedroom unable to get up for her program. She had snuck downstairs from her bedroom across from ours without our hearing her. She was injecting all night and had written several suicide notes. No, I don't think I would have felt better if she had died at home that night instead of the street.
Originally Posted by concernedsister
My parents would love nothing more than to enforce a "you can't come home until rehab rule" but the problem is that there are absolutely no funds for rehab other than 10 days of detox remaining on insurance and we can't find a rehab that is willing to take her for free. I guess addicts have to rely on whatever support they can get from NA when they obviously need so much more. It's tragic when you think maybe if you had more money to send her to a better place - longer program, that maybe she'd make it.?
Has she tried to apply for state disability? Have you checked out-patient programs in your area? Residential would be better, but there are some very good out-patient programs.
Originally Posted by concernedsister
As you know, unfortunately from experience, none of this is easy. I just want to shake her and scream "why do you do this, Just stop and your life will be great". Some people do drugs because they have problems but for her drugs ARE her problem. She's a wonderful, intelligent, sweet girl that everyone adores when she's clean.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by concernedsister
I should have explained my response a little more. Yes, dying is dying, but if she dies on the street, the whole family will have that on their conscience, that she was alone and on the street. I'd like to think at home they could monitor her better and see if she was having serious problems, maybe not, but in any case, at least she was home - they provided a place for her to live and because of her own actions she died, etc. Does that make sense?
My parents would love nothing more than to enforce a "you can't come home until rehab rule" but the problem is that there are absolutely no funds for rehab other than 10 days of detox remaining on insurance and we can't find a rehab that is willing to take her for free. I guess addicts have to rely on whatever support they can get from NA when they obviously need so much more. It's tragic when you think maybe if you had more money to send her to a better place - longer program, that maybe she'd make it.
As you know, unfortunately from experience, none of this is easy. I just want to shake her and scream "why do you do this, Just stop and your life will be great". Some people do drugs because they have problems but for her drugs ARE her problem. She's a wonderful, intelligent, sweet girl that everyone adores when she's clean.
My parents would love nothing more than to enforce a "you can't come home until rehab rule" but the problem is that there are absolutely no funds for rehab other than 10 days of detox remaining on insurance and we can't find a rehab that is willing to take her for free. I guess addicts have to rely on whatever support they can get from NA when they obviously need so much more. It's tragic when you think maybe if you had more money to send her to a better place - longer program, that maybe she'd make it.
As you know, unfortunately from experience, none of this is easy. I just want to shake her and scream "why do you do this, Just stop and your life will be great". Some people do drugs because they have problems but for her drugs ARE her problem. She's a wonderful, intelligent, sweet girl that everyone adores when she's clean.
I do have to say that I had many battles with my parents when it came to dealing with my brother. They did things that I construed as enabling, but my dad told me this, "I need to do what I feel comfortable with in case he dies. I need to be able to say that I did everything I could." I have to say, in our instance, the fact that he overdosed at home and had been living at home and working was a good thing. He had a clean spell in there, and we got to enjoy a period of sobriety before he died. If he died on the street, I think, no, I *know* my parents would have blamed themselves.
It's a tricky balance, and it sounds from what I've read, that your parents are "new" to this addiction lifestyle. I told my parents to go to meetings too, but they figured that they had 'been there, done that' from all of the years of addiction they had dealt with. I still think it would have been helpful, but I think they found it even more depressing.
Hang in there, and reach out for help. This place was a beacon of hope for me, and did buy us some sober time with my brother. I'm so thankful for that.
Jen
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
[QUOTE=BigSis;.
She also went to a ton of rehabs (4), and relapsed after each one. But those were NOT a waste of money, because each time she learned a little bit more about what she can and cannot control and broke a little more through her denial and delusion.QUOTE]
This is what I was going to say, even though she has been through 5 rehabs, it's all a learning experience getting her ready for the day she decides ,"thats it".
It's very hard to decipher whats helping and whats enabling, I have such a problem with those two words. giving money or a place to stay while using is definitely killing her with help, and telling her she can't use while living with you (your parents) and not giving her a cell phone ect... is essentially trying to force her into rehab which absolutely doesn't work, so letting her fend for herself sounds like whats needed. If and when she is ready for detox and rehab, and if she comes to you or your parents for help with this , you'll know.
Then perhaps your help will do her some good.
I am the mother of a heroin addict, who lives with me and has been sober now for alittle over 2 months, he goes to Intensive outpatient and meetings everynight, and works on his 12 steps (writing in his journal) and talks to his sponsor everyday. This is what works, don't get me wrong, there is certainly a chance of his relapse, there always will be, but just going to detox or just going to rehab doesn't work, you have to work a program, probably, no not probably, definitely forever. programs are not just for addiction its a new way of life, a new way of thinking. (I think I'll come back and read my own words from time to time lol)
Say some prayers, keep reading on here and see if your parents will read. It will take some of the tension off the situation knowing you're not alone.
good luck
She also went to a ton of rehabs (4), and relapsed after each one. But those were NOT a waste of money, because each time she learned a little bit more about what she can and cannot control and broke a little more through her denial and delusion.QUOTE]
This is what I was going to say, even though she has been through 5 rehabs, it's all a learning experience getting her ready for the day she decides ,"thats it".
It's very hard to decipher whats helping and whats enabling, I have such a problem with those two words. giving money or a place to stay while using is definitely killing her with help, and telling her she can't use while living with you (your parents) and not giving her a cell phone ect... is essentially trying to force her into rehab which absolutely doesn't work, so letting her fend for herself sounds like whats needed. If and when she is ready for detox and rehab, and if she comes to you or your parents for help with this , you'll know.
Then perhaps your help will do her some good.
I am the mother of a heroin addict, who lives with me and has been sober now for alittle over 2 months, he goes to Intensive outpatient and meetings everynight, and works on his 12 steps (writing in his journal) and talks to his sponsor everyday. This is what works, don't get me wrong, there is certainly a chance of his relapse, there always will be, but just going to detox or just going to rehab doesn't work, you have to work a program, probably, no not probably, definitely forever. programs are not just for addiction its a new way of life, a new way of thinking. (I think I'll come back and read my own words from time to time lol)
Say some prayers, keep reading on here and see if your parents will read. It will take some of the tension off the situation knowing you're not alone.
good luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: NJ
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by jlw1971
This forum was a wonderful resource for me when I was seeking help for my uninsured brother. They pointed me towards Salvation Army, which is a free program, and he was allowed to live there. The only catch there is that you have to be detoxed already to get in. There were other places where he could detox, but it was tricky getting him in. And yes, there is some truth about having a few "dirty urine" tests in order to get detoxed. We even got in in writing from a place around here since it sounded so completely nuts when my brother told us that (we assumed it was a lie). It wasn't. How screwed up is that?
I do have to say that I had many battles with my parents when it came to dealing with my brother. They did things that I construed as enabling, but my dad told me this, "I need to do what I feel comfortable with in case he dies. I need to be able to say that I did everything I could." I have to say, in our instance, the fact that he overdosed at home and had been living at home and working was a good thing. He had a clean spell in there, and we got to enjoy a period of sobriety before he died. If he died on the street, I think, no, I *know* my parents would have blamed themselves.
It's a tricky balance, and it sounds from what I've read, that your parents are "new" to this addiction lifestyle. I told my parents to go to meetings too, but they figured that they had 'been there, done that' from all of the years of addiction they had dealt with. I still think it would have been helpful, but I think they found it even more depressing.
Hang in there, and reach out for help. This place was a beacon of hope for me, and did buy us some sober time with my brother. I'm so thankful for that.
Jen
I do have to say that I had many battles with my parents when it came to dealing with my brother. They did things that I construed as enabling, but my dad told me this, "I need to do what I feel comfortable with in case he dies. I need to be able to say that I did everything I could." I have to say, in our instance, the fact that he overdosed at home and had been living at home and working was a good thing. He had a clean spell in there, and we got to enjoy a period of sobriety before he died. If he died on the street, I think, no, I *know* my parents would have blamed themselves.
It's a tricky balance, and it sounds from what I've read, that your parents are "new" to this addiction lifestyle. I told my parents to go to meetings too, but they figured that they had 'been there, done that' from all of the years of addiction they had dealt with. I still think it would have been helpful, but I think they found it even more depressing.
Hang in there, and reach out for help. This place was a beacon of hope for me, and did buy us some sober time with my brother. I'm so thankful for that.
Jen
I will have to look into the Salvation Army. For now, if she goes, she can do detox for 10 days.
My parents aren't exactly new to this. She's been using since she turned 15 - it's been 4 years of hell. They've support groups at rehabs, etc., but they don't feel it does them any good. NA meetings on the other hand seemed to be my sister's backbone when she was doing well.
Thanks Jen, it must be hard to still be here after losing your brother such a short time ago. Again, I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
Michelle
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 24
Michelle,
There isnt much else to say, but I wanted to let you know that since we are both in NJ I know a little about the resources. Your sister (when she is ready, lets pray) can call the county she lives in NJ, they will give her the number of the drug and alcohol coalition. They will set her up with rehab provided she doesnt have insurance.
How do I know this?? My brother (I can relate) is a crack addict and I found all of these resources for him in NJ. However, he chose to not go back to rehab. He was offered 30 days up front free b/c he lost his job and had no insurance.
I pray that 1 day he calls and asks me for the number again. Although, i have stopped offering it to him.
I could have written your post Michelle, I am right there with you.
There isnt much else to say, but I wanted to let you know that since we are both in NJ I know a little about the resources. Your sister (when she is ready, lets pray) can call the county she lives in NJ, they will give her the number of the drug and alcohol coalition. They will set her up with rehab provided she doesnt have insurance.
How do I know this?? My brother (I can relate) is a crack addict and I found all of these resources for him in NJ. However, he chose to not go back to rehab. He was offered 30 days up front free b/c he lost his job and had no insurance.
I pray that 1 day he calls and asks me for the number again. Although, i have stopped offering it to him.
I could have written your post Michelle, I am right there with you.
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