malihas

my husband likes to do his disappearing act every 2-3 months out of the blue. he'll say he'll meet me for lunch on sunday after we finish our errands and i keep waiting (he'll show up after 2 days)...
most recently, my brother, mother and i were all left hanging when he said he'll finish work in 30 mins and come home for dinner plans... but never showed up till the next afternoon.

it usually takes me a few days to get over the residual feelings i am left with... i have been to coda, al-anon, therapy... the works! lol

THIS time i am finding it particularly hard to move on. how do i rely on my husband? how do i move on? i've done it before too many times, but this time there is too much resistance. i don't like such negative feelings brewing inside me.

not to mention this time, his mother for some reason, has decided to stop talking to ME! what did i do? i know she's in denial.... but God!
i can't seem to move on. my husband doens't care to talk about my feelings anymore. he just says if u feel u can't rely on me, don't.

Done_With_It

:ghug Just offering you some hugs, others will be around with some wisdom and advice soon.

BBD

Hi malihas,. No great words of wisdom here but my heart does go out to you. The worrying when someone has disappeared for a while is enough to make your mind mush!! Hopefully someone on here has some words to keep you deal. I'm new to everything and like you~~~have had therapy and Alanon and I'm working on getting better. Big hugs, Bonnie

rayofhope

I Know I Know I Know Just How You Feel!!! My Husband Would Go To The "store" And Not Come Home For 2 Days. @ 1st I Would Cry And Call The Hospitals Stay Up All Day Call The Jails Etc... One Day I Was Out Of Diapers And He Left To Get Them With The Debit Card 7hours Later I Had No Car No Money And No Diapers He Has Now Been Clean Since July (crack Was His Choice.)but He Has Never Been In Treatment Every Day I Fear Hell Do It Again

bluejay6

mal,

you are meant to be feeling the feelings. for myself, the idea of detachment does not mean i stop experiencing the effects of emotional abuse. if we stop feeling the effects of abuse and neglect, well, then, i think we are really in trouble. it means we are as emotionally numb as the addict. we have to hurt enough, long enough, to finally take some action. but we have to hurt first.

you are upset and you feel abandoned because you are being abandoned by your husband when he disappears...the man who in the sacrament of marriage is obligated to honor and protect you.

i don't know your story....but obviously he is using when he's away, and this is creating suffering in you. he is indifferent to your feelings and your love and concern because he is controlled by an obsession he cannot, for now, live without. he is operating on animal, not human, level. he cannot, for now, be your husband in the true menaing of that word.

please keep seeking support. your continuing acceptance of abuse will lead to no place good for either of you. there are many choices you can make in this situation, not just one. do not think in black or white. seek support and examine all your options. and when you know how you want to handle this disappearing problem, you can take the action that's right for you.

i wish you patience and determination.

lightseeker

I truly am sorry for your circumstances....it is horrible to be involved with an active addict and to never know when they will or won't be there. You asked "how do I rely on my husband?" Can you rely on your husband? Reliability is not a sometimes thing - if it is a sometimes thing that is not reliability. It sounds like the only thing that is reliable is that you can't consistantly count on him. It's hard when you love someone and dream and hope for things to be different. However, each time disappering acts happen a little piece of you dies....as does the love. Forgiveness is a gift for the one that is wronged. Whether reconcilliation is the right course for you is a question that only you can answer. We each have our own tolerances and boundaries. How will you know when you've had enough? My experience is that you know. It sounds like you are doing all the right things (counselling, meetings, posting) but is there anything that you can do to support yourself even more. I beleive that it is so important to be kind to ourselves. It helps me to have a sponsor and to work the steps. I'm finding that the stronger that I become the more easily I can make good decisions for myself and to be proactive. When I am not in a good place it's difficult to make proactive decisions - I tend to make reactive decisions. What if you focused on what you need to be happy and feel secure....there is plenty of time to worry about whether you can move on with him....but for now...try and focus on you and then you'll be better able to decide whether you can or even want to move on with him.

One last thought.....acceptance has been a tough concept for me. Through recovery, I keep hearing that acceptance is the key. I have to remember that "taking it" is NOT acceptance. I don't need to accept the way that someone treats me - I need to accept that that is how they act and then decide if it is behavior I am willing to expose myself too. I accept that I cannot change other people but I do know that I can change myself. I just have to be careful and not talk myself into accepting mistreatment just because I am supposed to be "accepting". Does that make sense? I know that I am rambling but I did want to let you know that I care.

Love, Donna

hope213

welcome to S.R. i am sorry you have to be here but you are in the right place. your husband does not want any help. he has got to reach that awful bottom & some addict never do. you deserve so much better in life. read all arond the other post & read what addicts do at the top of the forum. we r here for you. do not take any blame, it is not your fault. prayers,