painter

I probably messed up. Last post said how she had been arrested for assault. She called to get me to bail her out. Said no I couldn't because I did not put her in that situation. She spent the nite in jail. I felt I was in jail too. Couldn't imagine my "baby girl" sitting in a jail cell. The next day her bf called several times and said she had been before the judge. Her bail had been reduced and if she was not bailed out she would sit in jail for a month, til the trial. I kept asking where the kids were. They were with the father, the aunt, who knows who else. I could not stand the thought of the babies being without their mother for a month and being passed around. Not know if they were being taken care of. So.............I bailed her out after 24 hours. I have never in my life had contact with the justice system, to say the least when I got back home I felt dirty. They brought her down in shackles. My child, my precious child in shackles. It was all I could do to keep the tears from coming. She seems so matter of fact about the whole thing. I was shaking. I told her that the only reason I got her out was cause of the babies. She never said a word. I told her that when, not if, they arrest her over non, payment for furniture I will not get her out. For any reason. But the worst thing for me was when I got her back home the babies had been taken to the park by the bf's brother when I asked if she wanted to go get the kids, she said no they were probably playing and having fun. They would be home later. Here she had not seen her children in more than 24 hours and she didn't want to go and get them. I was shocked and sickened. I suppose she was more interested in drugs? I have not heard from her since.
I am doing alot better. I keep reading here. Lots of wonderful advice and sharing. I am getting stronger, even if I failed and bailed her out. Thank to all of you wonderful people for sharing your stories so I can learn and grow.

Babs

Every time I mess up, my sponsor tells me that I have done "enough for today." And that is what you did.

You didn't cave in immediately, you gave her a whole night in the pokey to think about her actions. And for your first time dealing with jail, that in itself is HUGE! Shoot, I bailed my XAH out 5 times before I said no.

You did all you could for this pass. When you caved in, you did it because you had spent the night thinking of those children.....and how you would feel if you didn't take care of the situation for them. You bailed her out for them, not for her.

For this time......you did enough for today.

((((Hugs)))))))
Babs

Hangin' In

Painter,

I'm sorry you are in this situation, but as my sponsor says, "It is what it is."
Acceptance is a hard thing and seeing that your daughter didn't care to see her children was hurtful as you said.

It was times like those, Painter, when I did something to "help" my daughter and she was less than grateful and hadn't seemed to learn any kind of lesson for herself, that I learned a lesson. LET A LIGHT COME ON HERE, Painter. This is one of those times in your recovery that you can take a baby step forward.

Today you rescued her and for what? Only to get her out to see an addict who is so focused on her using that she couldn't even care about seeing her children. I'm so sorry about that for I know how that hurts. But see, maybe if you had left her in jail she would have had time to sober/clean up and feel the consequences for her actions.

Now please know I am not condemning you or preaching. Just wanting you to see how we can get so confused and think our enabling is helping. Painter, one of THE MOST VALUABLE lessons I've learned in recovery is that when I rescue my daughter, when I save her from having to suffer the consequences of her actions, I only help her to stay in her addiction.

So baby steps, Painter, baby steps. You're on the right road. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep moving in the right direction. You are learning everytime you read and post here and I admire you for that.

And if you don't go to meetings, please go. You can have face to face support plus this board. That's what I did and I am so grateful I did. Both have helped me tremendously.

Love you and hugs cause I understand everything you are feeling,

Hangin' In

Done_With_It

We don't fail, We live and we learn...

Your a mom trying to do her best. Children make it more confusing.
Drugs are the only failures here and the ones making them.

Nikki2003

WOW I feel mean. I actually helped the police find my husband. Described the car, gave all his hiding places, let them know each time he called. and when he got picked up refused to answer the phone so that I couldn't be asked to bail him out. Had no money any way so that was easy. And none of his family would either. He had to spend a night and morning in jail before he could see the judge. His fault, not mine. I am not paying money, that feeds my kids, for his problems. I know that much. Thing is he wasn't mad at me. He was mad at his parents refusing to bail him out. Where does that make sense? It was his first time in jail and hopefully his last time too. Because he could not find one person to loan him money to bail him out.
Nikki

Done_With_It

Nikki her situation and your situation have nothing to do with each other.
We all have out own stories and our own paths. We each have to do
what we have to do to feel okay with ourselves. Doesn't make us mean
or bad or better people. We're all in this together.

mooselips

painter,
Hugs to you. You didn't "mess" up. You did what we all do, you rescued your daughter, you felt sorry for the children, and you actually thought you were doing a good thing.

Recovery for us is progress, not perfection. We have our little slips along the way, and like Hangin' said, we learn as we go.

You did the best you could with what you had. Give yourself time, and consider this one time a learning curve. We've been Codependents for a long time, although we'd like to change our behavior overnight, it doesn't happen that way. It takes plenty of reading, plenty of meetings, and plenty of support.

You're doing good, because you're thinking about what you would have done different!

Hugs, and hugs,

sleepygoat

It isn't a failure if you learned something, and it sounds like you did. This is all about learning - they learn there are consequences taht really suck and we learn how to let them have them - and we both have diseases that twist that simplicity into something else. but next time, you'll do it differently I bet!

painter

Baby steps, baby steps! Maybe I should try eating baby food so my stomach will settle down. Thanks everyone.

Done_With_It

Apricot Is Soooo Good!

bluebelle

As long as you learn from your mistakes, that is what is important. When my addicted step-daughter called for us to bail her out, we didn't. However, we did go down to the jail to see her pre-trial. I later found out that it would have been better for her if we hadn't gone down there. It was so awful to see her. She was arrested on a early Sat. morning, so she had been there all weekend. There was all kinds of craziness going on at the jail. Yet, she looked so comfortable. Anyway, I know it is hard for you to see her in this mess.

painter

Yes, I found it quite amazing how comfortable she was in jail. It did not seem to faze her to be in shackles. She knew the moves, turn around and lift leg to have them removed. How did my princess, who was a straingt A student , dance student turn into a prisoner? I was a wreck, shaking and crying. She seem to take it all in stride. If only I had answers to find out how this all happened? God give me strength.

Miss Pink

darlin', she is going thru the ugly stages of the disease....she has to process it all, or it will get worse.

Do what your gut knows is right...let her fall, so she will learn how to get up and walk to help. She cant do it if you constantly carry her.