Question about Treatment centers
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Question about Treatment centers
This may sound like a strange question but can they control if the addict is allowed to make a phone call from a pay phone or not?
In the facility my AH is at they have pay phones for them to make phone calls from. So we got him a phone card to call us every night. Well being the considerate man he is(sarcasim here) he kept calling during the busiest time in the house. Finnally on Wednesday I had it. He called right during the process of me trying to put the kids to bed. He knows that his 3 yr old has been having a hard time going to sleep with daddy not there. Screaming and crying for over 30 minutes. So he calls in the middle of this every night. So I have the baby on my hip screaming in my ear, the 3 yr old 4 feet away screaming and crying in my other ear and my AH demanding I talk to him on the phone. I pointedly tell him I do not have time. And to call back in an hour and hang up.
finnaly 20 minutes later my 3yr old falls asleep in one of daddys shirts and with daddys picture(yes he is taking this hard) so I get in the tub with the 2 month old to give him his bath. I find this easier then bending over a tub. 5 minutes later guess who is calling? You guessed right. And there is no way I am jumping out of a tub with a slippery baby in my arms to answer a phone. He lets it ring for 5 minutes and of course who wakes up. You guessed right. My 3yr old. Ugg. Migraine city. So i finish bathing the baby(who has his first shots scheduled for in the morning) get him dried off and go and comfort my 3yr old. Another 20 minutes to get him to sleep. Then I sit down to feed the baby and of course the phone rings agian. Yup AH. So of course I tell him off. Who wouldn't No I didn't scream. Though I wanted too. Trust me I wanted to. I tell him he knows the schedule here. If he wants to call then he should call before 6pm or after 9pm. Because those 3 hours are my busiest times of the day. I tell him I am not sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. That unlike him I am not doing crafts or going to classes, or going to the gym(I know wrong thing to say) I am actually runnig around all day and working hard. I told him I expect him to work just as hard at applying himself to the program there so that he can get the most out of it so that the work I am putting in here can be worth it to him and me and that we are not both wasting our time. I know agian wrong thing to say but I was tired and had a migraine and was mad.
I reminded him of the babies shot the next day and that I would let him know tomorrow when he called how it went. He sounded like he was sorry, said he was, said he loved me, said good night and hung up.
Well here is the thing. He didn't call last night. Not once yesterday and so far not today either. Our 3yr old is now frantic to talk to his dad since it has been almost 3 days for him since he talked to him last. I am wondering if my AH went to group the next day, told them how I got upset and maybe they thought I was bad for his treatment or something and won't let him call? Would they do something like that? He has called every day up to this point. So I don't understand why he didn' yesterday at all. Esspecially with his baby getting his first shot yesterday. The night before he really wanted to know how it would go. For those who have had family go through treatment do you have an answer? Because I have no clue. And my 3yr old is geting very upset. And frankly so am I to be honest.
Nikki.
In the facility my AH is at they have pay phones for them to make phone calls from. So we got him a phone card to call us every night. Well being the considerate man he is(sarcasim here) he kept calling during the busiest time in the house. Finnally on Wednesday I had it. He called right during the process of me trying to put the kids to bed. He knows that his 3 yr old has been having a hard time going to sleep with daddy not there. Screaming and crying for over 30 minutes. So he calls in the middle of this every night. So I have the baby on my hip screaming in my ear, the 3 yr old 4 feet away screaming and crying in my other ear and my AH demanding I talk to him on the phone. I pointedly tell him I do not have time. And to call back in an hour and hang up.
finnaly 20 minutes later my 3yr old falls asleep in one of daddys shirts and with daddys picture(yes he is taking this hard) so I get in the tub with the 2 month old to give him his bath. I find this easier then bending over a tub. 5 minutes later guess who is calling? You guessed right. And there is no way I am jumping out of a tub with a slippery baby in my arms to answer a phone. He lets it ring for 5 minutes and of course who wakes up. You guessed right. My 3yr old. Ugg. Migraine city. So i finish bathing the baby(who has his first shots scheduled for in the morning) get him dried off and go and comfort my 3yr old. Another 20 minutes to get him to sleep. Then I sit down to feed the baby and of course the phone rings agian. Yup AH. So of course I tell him off. Who wouldn't No I didn't scream. Though I wanted too. Trust me I wanted to. I tell him he knows the schedule here. If he wants to call then he should call before 6pm or after 9pm. Because those 3 hours are my busiest times of the day. I tell him I am not sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. That unlike him I am not doing crafts or going to classes, or going to the gym(I know wrong thing to say) I am actually runnig around all day and working hard. I told him I expect him to work just as hard at applying himself to the program there so that he can get the most out of it so that the work I am putting in here can be worth it to him and me and that we are not both wasting our time. I know agian wrong thing to say but I was tired and had a migraine and was mad.
I reminded him of the babies shot the next day and that I would let him know tomorrow when he called how it went. He sounded like he was sorry, said he was, said he loved me, said good night and hung up.
Well here is the thing. He didn't call last night. Not once yesterday and so far not today either. Our 3yr old is now frantic to talk to his dad since it has been almost 3 days for him since he talked to him last. I am wondering if my AH went to group the next day, told them how I got upset and maybe they thought I was bad for his treatment or something and won't let him call? Would they do something like that? He has called every day up to this point. So I don't understand why he didn' yesterday at all. Esspecially with his baby getting his first shot yesterday. The night before he really wanted to know how it would go. For those who have had family go through treatment do you have an answer? Because I have no clue. And my 3yr old is geting very upset. And frankly so am I to be honest.
Nikki.
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AT the places my AH was at it could be difficult to call. They had to sign in. If they missed their slot and phone was busy they couldnt call, if they acted out in group they couldnt call. But othertimes he seeemed to be able to call weird times, I think it depends on the night whose supervising ect.
Also for my AH he said he missed us more the more he called and only called when he was feeling really low and needed validation
Also for my AH he said he missed us more the more he called and only called when he was feeling really low and needed validation
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Hi Nikki. When I was in rehab, yes they controlled if we could make phone calls or not. If someone did something wrong *not cleaning, acting up, etc* they would sometimes take away everybody's telephone privileges that day.
I don't know if that's similar to his experience or not, but it is possible.
PS am I allowed to post in friends and family as a recovering alcoholic? If not I'll step out but I thought I'd share my experience.
I don't know if that's similar to his experience or not, but it is possible.
PS am I allowed to post in friends and family as a recovering alcoholic? If not I'll step out but I thought I'd share my experience.
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Oh so my getting upset with him the way I did would not have cause them to stop him from calling me? Basically it would be his actions that would cause him to lose his phone privilages?
My main concern is my 3yr old. If I don't here from him by tomorrow afternoon I might phone there and leave a message for him to call to phone him. Not phoning to talk to me is one thing. But a 3yr old can't understand that.
Nikki
My main concern is my 3yr old. If I don't here from him by tomorrow afternoon I might phone there and leave a message for him to call to phone him. Not phoning to talk to me is one thing. But a 3yr old can't understand that.
Nikki
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Nikki remember hes there to focus on himself. Thats why some places dont allow calls home to family spouse and or children.
xzcirc-of course your welcome here post anytime on friends and famjily, we love hearing different prospectives
PS am I allowed to post in friends and family as a recovering alcoholic? If not I'll step out but I thought I'd share my experience.
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Originally Posted by cinderellawkids 
Nikki remember hes there to focus on himself. Thats why some places dont allow calls home to family spouse and or children.
Nikki
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your missing the point. To recover he needs to focus on himself. I have a 3 year old as well, she will be okay and better in the longrun if her dad recovers. Just be supportive to your child and explain that he will call when he can
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I guess I am not getting the point. I know he needs to focus on himself. That was not the question. I am not saying he shouldn't. Never did. My question was whether they would stop him from calling home based on me getting upset with him the other night. That was my question. How that has to do with him focusing on himself I have no idea. Every day he has called, sometimes multiple times a day, as described. It is not like we talk on the phone for hours. Each phone call lasts a total of 2-4 minutes and I never call him. Then suddenly not to call at all has left me wondering and with a question. Has nothing to do with me wanting him to stop focusing on himself or his recovery. I just wanted to know how it works with the phone calls is all.
Like I said though if I don't hear from him by tomorrow afternoon I will call there and leave a message for him to call.
Nikki
Like I said though if I don't hear from him by tomorrow afternoon I will call there and leave a message for him to call.
Nikki
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I noticed with my husband when the sudden stop calling for a few days started it had nothing to do with me, or the center. It was about him. It was always after Id gotten upset, but he always swears taht had nothing to do with it he was focusing on other things. In our situation he was actually doing more recovery work during the times he wasnt calling (coincidental or not Ill enever know.) I do know, with my husband the more he was calling lots of short calls, the less he was focusing on what was important and more he was looking for distractions.
I do not think the center would stop him from calling, but if he was upset after they may encourage him to give it a few days. Im sure he'll call soon.
I remember the first 5 weeks or so was a very confusing and emotional time for all the residents, so they often did things unordinary to their typical behavior
I do not think the center would stop him from calling, but if he was upset after they may encourage him to give it a few days. Im sure he'll call soon.
I remember the first 5 weeks or so was a very confusing and emotional time for all the residents, so they often did things unordinary to their typical behavior
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When I was in treatment we were sometimes advised not to call this person or that, if calling them got us too upset. They didn't prevent us from calling, so much as suggest to not call - perhaps he is giving it a few days before he calls again.
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My experience is they are in line for one pay phone. AND They are all trying to use the one pay phone. Pretty much first come...first serve. Not like everyone has one certain phone... Maybe 10 people need to use it. If he does not get there first, he waits until he can use it. If he has group... well he is out of luck. He has to wait until the next day. He had gotten first the last two days and someone has been waiting all that time they could have said you have to wait until everyone else has a chance now. That is probably why he is not calling now. I doubt it is because of anything you have done or did not do. Don't fret over it. He will call. He will once again call and drive you batty. Enjoy the quiet time... take it as a sign he is getting better so he can come back to you and your children and be the best he can be instead of looking at it as a negative sign.
Keep your chin up. I know it is hard because you love him so much. Hard times will not be forever. Keep making a happy home for you, your children and him..for when he gets back.
-Broken
Keep your chin up. I know it is hard because you love him so much. Hard times will not be forever. Keep making a happy home for you, your children and him..for when he gets back.
-Broken
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When my exah went to the rehabs they had a schedule for calls. Certain time of the day they can make their calls but they had to sign up to be on the list for that time frame.
I think what you said needed to be said because let's face it....we have responsibilities that we need to take care of and he needs to know that you can't revolve your life around his needs and his needs only.
My exah has told me that suggestions are given. If you upset him then he won't be focusing on his recovery rather he would be focusing on how upset he is over what you said. So they might suggest that he cut down on his calls to you so he can keep the focus on what he's actually there for. Children are resilient. Take this time to bond with your children rather than having them focus on why daddy isn't there. And when it's sleepy time or bath time turn the ringer off the phone so that no one is disturbed. (just a suggestion)
This is a good time for you to have worry free time. He is where he should be and you don't have to worry about him and his substance abuse. You can develop your own routines so that life can be a bit easier for you. You can sit back with a cup of hot cocoa at night and veg out in front of the tv. You know, we get so wound up in our addicts addictions it's almost like we forget how to turn off the worry switch.
I think what you said needed to be said because let's face it....we have responsibilities that we need to take care of and he needs to know that you can't revolve your life around his needs and his needs only.
My exah has told me that suggestions are given. If you upset him then he won't be focusing on his recovery rather he would be focusing on how upset he is over what you said. So they might suggest that he cut down on his calls to you so he can keep the focus on what he's actually there for. Children are resilient. Take this time to bond with your children rather than having them focus on why daddy isn't there. And when it's sleepy time or bath time turn the ringer off the phone so that no one is disturbed. (just a suggestion)
This is a good time for you to have worry free time. He is where he should be and you don't have to worry about him and his substance abuse. You can develop your own routines so that life can be a bit easier for you. You can sit back with a cup of hot cocoa at night and veg out in front of the tv. You know, we get so wound up in our addicts addictions it's almost like we forget how to turn off the worry switch.
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Nikki - please try not to take his not calling you as a personal insult. He is going through wild extremes of emotion in rehab, just as you are at home.
Your post reminds me of my mom. She gets all testy and upset if my dad calls from Afghanastan (sp.???) at an inappropriate time for her (middle of the night, when she is running out the door for work in the morning, etc.) So eventually my dad hears the annoyance in her voice and stops calling so much or leaves her hanging for a day or two, probably out of consideration for her...and then my mom gets all upset and freaks out about why he isn't calling, or is he dead, or is he mad at me, or did he get kidnapped? She checks her email every five minutes, answers the phone if she hears any beep like the microwave and basically paces the kitchen like meth-head and looks like she stuck her finger in a light socket with her hair all wild like Albert Einstien's. Okay, I am embellishing it a bit, but you get my point?
"Be careful what you wish for..." is a quote that rings true here.
Funny how emotions work, huh? I totally understand and feel your pain in the situation. This is going to be tough for everyone for quite awhile, but it will be worth every single second of pain and hard work if you remain patient and trust in the saying: "With great suffering, comes great beauty..."
Stay with us in SR, as this forum has greatly reduced many an anxious person's conscious (sp.? I can't spell today). Let us know what happens. All you two have to go on right now is communication; try not to jump to a conclusion until you hear what he has to say, and be sure to tell him how you are coping and how the things he does make you feel. You have to try your hardest to trust each other (though he may not deserve it, seeing as he is an addict.)
Also, I doubt that anyone in rehab told him he had to stop calling home because you are hurting his recovery, nor do I suspect that the group preached to him that he would be wise to cut off contact with you. I know it is driving you crazy right now (and will continue driving you mad until he calls), but please try to remember that this chaos and emotional rollercoaster will hopefully be the ladder that leads you to a peaceful, full and happy life with your family...finally rid of the hell that is addiction. Best wishes to you.
Your post reminds me of my mom. She gets all testy and upset if my dad calls from Afghanastan (sp.???) at an inappropriate time for her (middle of the night, when she is running out the door for work in the morning, etc.) So eventually my dad hears the annoyance in her voice and stops calling so much or leaves her hanging for a day or two, probably out of consideration for her...and then my mom gets all upset and freaks out about why he isn't calling, or is he dead, or is he mad at me, or did he get kidnapped? She checks her email every five minutes, answers the phone if she hears any beep like the microwave and basically paces the kitchen like meth-head and looks like she stuck her finger in a light socket with her hair all wild like Albert Einstien's. Okay, I am embellishing it a bit, but you get my point?
"Be careful what you wish for..." is a quote that rings true here.
Funny how emotions work, huh? I totally understand and feel your pain in the situation. This is going to be tough for everyone for quite awhile, but it will be worth every single second of pain and hard work if you remain patient and trust in the saying: "With great suffering, comes great beauty..."
Stay with us in SR, as this forum has greatly reduced many an anxious person's conscious (sp.? I can't spell today). Let us know what happens. All you two have to go on right now is communication; try not to jump to a conclusion until you hear what he has to say, and be sure to tell him how you are coping and how the things he does make you feel. You have to try your hardest to trust each other (though he may not deserve it, seeing as he is an addict.
)Also, I doubt that anyone in rehab told him he had to stop calling home because you are hurting his recovery, nor do I suspect that the group preached to him that he would be wise to cut off contact with you. I know it is driving you crazy right now (and will continue driving you mad until he calls), but please try to remember that this chaos and emotional rollercoaster will hopefully be the ladder that leads you to a peaceful, full and happy life with your family...finally rid of the hell that is addiction. Best wishes to you.
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Hi Nikki - my husband was recently in a rehab where they had payphones to call out and were restricted to certain times of day. Sometimes if he didn't call me it was because the line was too long or he was talking to someone else, like his parents or something. Sometimes it would be because he or I would bring something bad up, we would end up arguing, and he wouldn't call me back to allow us both time to cool off.
As others here have said, just like his drug abuse, I tried not to take it personally. He is where he needs to be right now and that's a really really positive thing.
Another suggestion - maybe they have free phone hours during a different time of day that is more convenient for both of you? Might be worth asking the next time you get him on the phone. At my H's rehab, they had phone hours at 6am and no one else wanted to use the phone then so we could always talk.
Hang in there. You are remarkably strong.
As others here have said, just like his drug abuse, I tried not to take it personally. He is where he needs to be right now and that's a really really positive thing.
Another suggestion - maybe they have free phone hours during a different time of day that is more convenient for both of you? Might be worth asking the next time you get him on the phone. At my H's rehab, they had phone hours at 6am and no one else wanted to use the phone then so we could always talk.
Hang in there. You are remarkably strong.
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Hey Nikki,
Ugg- I remember those days! I am new here but not new to addicts- hmmm 7 treatments later. Many years.. This is just my experience and opinion. But no one ever shared this with me- I wish I had known and understood more.
So for what it is worth.
"it's all about me..." My husband learned some bad behaviors while he was in treatment and sadly I learned to accept them and make them acceptable.
There was a time when it was not normal for him not to talk to his children- he learned to accept it- even thought of it as "good" in treatment. When learning HEALTHY behavior- I can assure you- when sick and relapsing- how could he, or I expect more?
Depending on your husbands drug of choice- the odds are not good that this will be the end of his drug use. I am sorry to say that- I have also found that those that use drugs like crack and have responsibilities like spouses, children have a harder time.
7 Treatments- 10 years in alanon- many family programs. Mine did have a couple of years of sobriety- but I just don't know anyone who stayed sober who was in this group. Not saying it is impossible at all- or that I know it all. But if I were to do it all over again- sure wish I HAD been different- stronger boundaries!!
I made it all about him!!
So, re phone calls.. personally I believe your husband knows you well, your child- and he is mad because you didn't talk to him when you called. Passive/aggressive. But even if he is not- even if the treatment center said "no." This is in my opinion very disrespectful of him and them.
You are at home- working too!! Come on those who have been through treatment- how many peers did you encounter- who were not ready yet? Not working real hard?
Anyway- you are currently taking care of his children, his home- not doubt cleaning up some wreckage- phone messages, mail, bills.
I do believe that it would only be "polite" to call and leave a message to let you know, he will not be calling for a couple of days and not to expect him to.
All this guessing and wondering- UGG.. that's where I started on the road to codependancy!! Lost myself.
No, I would NOT call him or the treatment center. I would wait and see- my guess is he only has a couple days left at treatment. Who does he plan on to pick him up? You?? Well maybe he should ASK- you to!! That will take a phone call!!
I would love this to be your husbands ONLY treatment!! I would love to see your family stay intact. I do believe it is possible- I also believe YOU need to set firm boundaries- respect yourself. I didn't!! I helped to make a "King Baby"- and my part- I ALLOWED myself to be used and under valued. As they say, 2 eyes and 1 mouth... be quiet and allow him to SHOW you- who he is and how you can expect to be treated- in recovery!!
If he is taking you and more importantly those children for granted.. expecting you and them to always be there.. regardless of his actions. This is not to me a good sign. Long story- but that very first treatment- sure wish I had listened to my gut.. not even picked him up, let alone allowed him to come home. He may have had some time to think.
Just my experience and belief. What we did, did not work!!
Take care and take care of yourself!!
StillLearning!
Ugg- I remember those days! I am new here but not new to addicts- hmmm 7 treatments later. Many years.. This is just my experience and opinion. But no one ever shared this with me- I wish I had known and understood more.
So for what it is worth.
"it's all about me..." My husband learned some bad behaviors while he was in treatment and sadly I learned to accept them and make them acceptable.
There was a time when it was not normal for him not to talk to his children- he learned to accept it- even thought of it as "good" in treatment. When learning HEALTHY behavior- I can assure you- when sick and relapsing- how could he, or I expect more?
Depending on your husbands drug of choice- the odds are not good that this will be the end of his drug use. I am sorry to say that- I have also found that those that use drugs like crack and have responsibilities like spouses, children have a harder time.
7 Treatments- 10 years in alanon- many family programs. Mine did have a couple of years of sobriety- but I just don't know anyone who stayed sober who was in this group. Not saying it is impossible at all- or that I know it all. But if I were to do it all over again- sure wish I HAD been different- stronger boundaries!!
I made it all about him!!
So, re phone calls.. personally I believe your husband knows you well, your child- and he is mad because you didn't talk to him when you called. Passive/aggressive. But even if he is not- even if the treatment center said "no." This is in my opinion very disrespectful of him and them.
You are at home- working too!! Come on those who have been through treatment- how many peers did you encounter- who were not ready yet? Not working real hard?
Anyway- you are currently taking care of his children, his home- not doubt cleaning up some wreckage- phone messages, mail, bills.
I do believe that it would only be "polite" to call and leave a message to let you know, he will not be calling for a couple of days and not to expect him to.
All this guessing and wondering- UGG.. that's where I started on the road to codependancy!! Lost myself.
No, I would NOT call him or the treatment center. I would wait and see- my guess is he only has a couple days left at treatment. Who does he plan on to pick him up? You?? Well maybe he should ASK- you to!! That will take a phone call!!
I would love this to be your husbands ONLY treatment!! I would love to see your family stay intact. I do believe it is possible- I also believe YOU need to set firm boundaries- respect yourself. I didn't!! I helped to make a "King Baby"- and my part- I ALLOWED myself to be used and under valued. As they say, 2 eyes and 1 mouth... be quiet and allow him to SHOW you- who he is and how you can expect to be treated- in recovery!!
If he is taking you and more importantly those children for granted.. expecting you and them to always be there.. regardless of his actions. This is not to me a good sign. Long story- but that very first treatment- sure wish I had listened to my gut.. not even picked him up, let alone allowed him to come home. He may have had some time to think.
Just my experience and belief. What we did, did not work!!
Take care and take care of yourself!!
StillLearning!
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Thanks everyone. No phone cal agian today. I have no idea what is up. And I don't know yet if I will phone and leave a message for him tomorrow or not. He is on an 18 day program so it is not like he is there for very long. My emotions are going crazy but if he is choosing not to call because I get upset with him calling the way he was then that is his choice. I am not going to chase him. He will call when he wants too.
It does hurt that he isn't calling. Esspecailly since his son really wants to talk to him and I would really like to know how he is doing to. I do love him and worry about him. But I will not chase after him. If he wants to talk to me he will have to call me. So unless our son has a complete melt down tomorrow I don't think I will call and leave a message tomorrow. I think I will just wait for him to call. And then when he does I will calmly let him know that I am glad he finally called but I am a little hurt that he didn't call every day like he promised. Because that is the truth. And that it also hurt his son because that is also the truth to. No lecture, no anger or anything. Just statement of fact and then go from there.
I hope he is using this time wisely though to really learn and soak up what he needs to so that our family can heal from all of this.
Nikki
It does hurt that he isn't calling. Esspecailly since his son really wants to talk to him and I would really like to know how he is doing to. I do love him and worry about him. But I will not chase after him. If he wants to talk to me he will have to call me. So unless our son has a complete melt down tomorrow I don't think I will call and leave a message tomorrow. I think I will just wait for him to call. And then when he does I will calmly let him know that I am glad he finally called but I am a little hurt that he didn't call every day like he promised. Because that is the truth. And that it also hurt his son because that is also the truth to. No lecture, no anger or anything. Just statement of fact and then go from there.
I hope he is using this time wisely though to really learn and soak up what he needs to so that our family can heal from all of this.
Nikki
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When I was in ed treatment, they encouraged us to have little contact with our family on the phones especially if we were calling and things like your last phone call were happening.
Personally I would just let him do his thing and get as well as he can, projecting all the reasons why he may not have call isn't really going to help, it just makes things bigger.
I do understand things are hard for you, but like Anvil said treatment is pretty hard also and your emotions are a wreck. Holding him to a promise that he would call daily before he went in may be something he didn't quite understand that he was making.
I am sorry you are going through this, addiction affects the whole family in so many ways.
JMO..
Personally I would just let him do his thing and get as well as he can, projecting all the reasons why he may not have call isn't really going to help, it just makes things bigger.
I do understand things are hard for you, but like Anvil said treatment is pretty hard also and your emotions are a wreck. Holding him to a promise that he would call daily before he went in may be something he didn't quite understand that he was making.
I am sorry you are going through this, addiction affects the whole family in so many ways.
JMO..
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It is very hard to get to use the phone in rehab because many ppl are competing to use a few phones -- you have to use it when it's available. I am sure he did not call at that time of night to wake your child up....
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