Victim Pattern
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Victim Pattern
Victim Pattern
The Behavior
Doesn’t take responsibility for his life.
Doesn’t take action to improve his life.
Tendency to get into and stay in difficult or impossible situations.
Helpless. Whiney. Wants others to make his life better.
Blames others for his problems. May try to elicit guilt.
Invested in complaining and getting sympathy rather than getting what he wants in life.
Sometimes feels special and important because of his pain and difficulties.
Tendency toward sickness or accidents to enhance victim stance. May even try suicide to show the world how miserable he is and how they have wronged him.
Implied demand that people take care of him because he is in such pain
Tends to exaggerate his pain to elicit sympathy
Martyr. Others should feel bad because of all he has done for them and took how badly they are treating him.
Motivation
Tries (unconsciously) to manipulate others into taking care of him by failing, being in pain, and sometimes blaming others for his situation.
This is also a way of expressing anger at what he didn’t get or what was done to him.
Wants others to feel sorry for him and guilty about not treating him better.
Core Issues
Deficiency or harm issues combined with indulgence (of weakness or blaming)
Entitlement, exploitation
Conditional valuing of weakness, difficulty
Origins
Child was given care only when in pain or difficulty and this was in the form of being taken care of rather than loved
Sibling who was in trouble got all the attention
Being overprotected, infantalized, spoiled.
Child was successful in laying guilt on parents
Child internalized irresponsibility of a parent
Learned helplessness
Natural child response of blaming parents which is projected onto others
Natural child response of deserving caretaking is used inappropriately
Conscious Statement
It’s your fault that I’m unhappy.
My situation is impossible.
Unconscious Thought
I will force you to rescue me by blaming you and being helpless.
Representations
Self: helpless, treated unfairly
Other: harmful, depriving, situation is impossible
Sees Others As
Potential rescuers
Healthy Capacities Blocked
Responsibility, assertiveness
Activating Conditions
Life difficulties that require responsible action
Pain
People who the person might expect to rescue him, e.g. parents, therapists, codependent people
Distinctions
The passive-aggressive person is motivated by autonomy issues and blames himself. The victim is motivated to get rescued and blames others.
The victim is entitled, but he acts it out in this specific way.
Compliant people will also have difficulty being responsible or assertive, but they don’t complain or blame. They may feel truly helpless rather than using it as a manipulation.
Vulnerability is a healthy capacity that involves feeling and showing pain and need and asking for help. However, there is no investment in the pain or need and no avoidance of responsibility.
VARIATIONS
Helpless victim
Can’t make his life work, because he isn’t really trying.
Angry Victim
Blames others for his problems and refuses to see his part in causing them or what he could do about changing them. This is combination with angry pattern.
Special Victim
Tragic romantic. Enneagram 4. Feels special and important because of depths of pain, feelings, and difficulties.
Combinations with Other Patterns
Needy: Tries to coerce nurturing. Demanding of caretaking because of his pain.
Suspicious: Feels victimized by the hostility he imagines or creates in others.
Entitled: Feels not only entitled to caretaking but other things as well.
Codependent: Martyr.
PSYCHOTHERAPY
Related Technical Concepts
Help-rejecting complainer
“Yes-but” game
Common in borderlines
Group Role
Frustrating identified patient
Transference
Complains to therapist about his misery in unconscious attempt to get therapist to do it for him. Doesn’t take responsibility for his progress in therapy. Expects therapist to “fix” him.
Wants sympathy for his problems rather than change. Histrionic dramatization of pain, often mixed with real pain.
May blame the therapist for not helping him even though he couldn’t make much progress because he isn’t trying.
May look for special treatment, especially around the boundaries of the therapy.
Countertransference toward Victim Client
Sympathizing with the client’s pain and problems.
Encouraging the client and giving suggestions for actions to take. Attempted rescue.
Guilt about not meeting the client’s needs or about not helping the client.
Frustration and resentment toward the client.
Countertransference of Victim Therapist
If client challenges therapist, she tends to turn everything back onto the client as transference, without considering if any part of the challenge is valid.
If therapy is not working, therapist tends to blame the client (in talking to colleagues or supervisors) rather than examine herself. Sees the client as impossible.
If client is difficult, feels victimized rather than seeking consultation or working on treatment strategy.
TREATMENT
Understanding Needed by Client
That he is invested in the victim stance.
Access (core issue)
Being spoiled (difficult)
Access (healthy capacity)
Desire to be in charge of his life.
Healing Reponses
Appreciation for responsibility and assertiveness
Other Interventions
Frequently the victim client must be challenged about his investment in being a victim. This must be done firmly and caringly, and often repeatedly. However, if an angry victim is blaming the therapist for his problems, then you can’t challenge him because it will just seem defensive.
Have clear, firm boundaries around the therapy.
Kathi's Mental Health Review
Copyright © Kathi Stringer & Respective Authors.
The Behavior
Doesn’t take responsibility for his life.
Doesn’t take action to improve his life.
Tendency to get into and stay in difficult or impossible situations.
Helpless. Whiney. Wants others to make his life better.
Blames others for his problems. May try to elicit guilt.
Invested in complaining and getting sympathy rather than getting what he wants in life.
Sometimes feels special and important because of his pain and difficulties.
Tendency toward sickness or accidents to enhance victim stance. May even try suicide to show the world how miserable he is and how they have wronged him.
Implied demand that people take care of him because he is in such pain
Tends to exaggerate his pain to elicit sympathy
Martyr. Others should feel bad because of all he has done for them and took how badly they are treating him.
Motivation
Tries (unconsciously) to manipulate others into taking care of him by failing, being in pain, and sometimes blaming others for his situation.
This is also a way of expressing anger at what he didn’t get or what was done to him.
Wants others to feel sorry for him and guilty about not treating him better.
Core Issues
Deficiency or harm issues combined with indulgence (of weakness or blaming)
Entitlement, exploitation
Conditional valuing of weakness, difficulty
Origins
Child was given care only when in pain or difficulty and this was in the form of being taken care of rather than loved
Sibling who was in trouble got all the attention
Being overprotected, infantalized, spoiled.
Child was successful in laying guilt on parents
Child internalized irresponsibility of a parent
Learned helplessness
Natural child response of blaming parents which is projected onto others
Natural child response of deserving caretaking is used inappropriately
Conscious Statement
It’s your fault that I’m unhappy.
My situation is impossible.
Unconscious Thought
I will force you to rescue me by blaming you and being helpless.
Representations
Self: helpless, treated unfairly
Other: harmful, depriving, situation is impossible
Sees Others As
Potential rescuers
Healthy Capacities Blocked
Responsibility, assertiveness
Activating Conditions
Life difficulties that require responsible action
Pain
People who the person might expect to rescue him, e.g. parents, therapists, codependent people
Distinctions
The passive-aggressive person is motivated by autonomy issues and blames himself. The victim is motivated to get rescued and blames others.
The victim is entitled, but he acts it out in this specific way.
Compliant people will also have difficulty being responsible or assertive, but they don’t complain or blame. They may feel truly helpless rather than using it as a manipulation.
Vulnerability is a healthy capacity that involves feeling and showing pain and need and asking for help. However, there is no investment in the pain or need and no avoidance of responsibility.
VARIATIONS
Helpless victim
Can’t make his life work, because he isn’t really trying.
Angry Victim
Blames others for his problems and refuses to see his part in causing them or what he could do about changing them. This is combination with angry pattern.
Special Victim
Tragic romantic. Enneagram 4. Feels special and important because of depths of pain, feelings, and difficulties.
Combinations with Other Patterns
Needy: Tries to coerce nurturing. Demanding of caretaking because of his pain.
Suspicious: Feels victimized by the hostility he imagines or creates in others.
Entitled: Feels not only entitled to caretaking but other things as well.
Codependent: Martyr.
PSYCHOTHERAPY
Related Technical Concepts
Help-rejecting complainer
“Yes-but” game
Common in borderlines
Group Role
Frustrating identified patient
Transference
Complains to therapist about his misery in unconscious attempt to get therapist to do it for him. Doesn’t take responsibility for his progress in therapy. Expects therapist to “fix” him.
Wants sympathy for his problems rather than change. Histrionic dramatization of pain, often mixed with real pain.
May blame the therapist for not helping him even though he couldn’t make much progress because he isn’t trying.
May look for special treatment, especially around the boundaries of the therapy.
Countertransference toward Victim Client
Sympathizing with the client’s pain and problems.
Encouraging the client and giving suggestions for actions to take. Attempted rescue.
Guilt about not meeting the client’s needs or about not helping the client.
Frustration and resentment toward the client.
Countertransference of Victim Therapist
If client challenges therapist, she tends to turn everything back onto the client as transference, without considering if any part of the challenge is valid.
If therapy is not working, therapist tends to blame the client (in talking to colleagues or supervisors) rather than examine herself. Sees the client as impossible.
If client is difficult, feels victimized rather than seeking consultation or working on treatment strategy.
TREATMENT
Understanding Needed by Client
That he is invested in the victim stance.
Access (core issue)
Being spoiled (difficult)
Access (healthy capacity)
Desire to be in charge of his life.
Healing Reponses
Appreciation for responsibility and assertiveness
Other Interventions
Frequently the victim client must be challenged about his investment in being a victim. This must be done firmly and caringly, and often repeatedly. However, if an angry victim is blaming the therapist for his problems, then you can’t challenge him because it will just seem defensive.
Have clear, firm boundaries around the therapy.
Kathi's Mental Health Review
Copyright © Kathi Stringer & Respective Authors.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Helpless. Whiney. Wants others to make his life better.
Invested in complaining and getting sympathy rather than getting what he wants in life.
Sometimes feels special and important because of his pain and difficulties.
Tendency toward sickness or accidents to enhance victim stance. May even try suicide to show the world how miserable he is and how they have wronged him.
Implied demand that people take care of him because he is in such pain
Tends to exaggerate his pain to elicit sympathy
These are all my mom. It's a shame too.
Invested in complaining and getting sympathy rather than getting what he wants in life.
Sometimes feels special and important because of his pain and difficulties.
Tendency toward sickness or accidents to enhance victim stance. May even try suicide to show the world how miserable he is and how they have wronged him.
Implied demand that people take care of him because he is in such pain
Tends to exaggerate his pain to elicit sympathy
These are all my mom. It's a shame too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
So much of this stuff was me for so long - I was so stuck in the victim role - and even worse- I was the angry victim. It took me forever to see this in myself. It took 2 consective sponsors to point it out. It took working a thorough 4th, 5th, and 6th step to admit it was true. It took a 7th step combined with a review of the 2nd step to get any freedom from this hell. I still pray daily for God to remove my self-pity, negativity, blame, and victimhood. I am so much better. I still have so much more work to do.
Thanks for posting this, uncomfortable as it was to read.
Thanks for posting this, uncomfortable as it was to read.
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