Am I doing the right thing?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Mobile, Alabama
Posts: 19
Am I doing the right thing?
Hi all-
I am engaged to a recovering cocaine addict. She has been out of treatment for 2+ years. But her mom died this summer, and since then she has relapsed a few times (at least a few-I'm not sure she told me all of them).
Yesterday, I got some fantastic news at work. I went home to tell her and to go out for a celebration dinner, and I found her locked in the bathroom. She had relapsed. Well, I didn't lose my temper (not too bad any way), but I was so disappointed. I was all happy, then I came home to this. So I was very blunt with her. She said she needed to go back to treatment (either inpatient or outpatient) to get back on track. I said that was great and I was very happy. But I told her not to call me today until she had arranged some form of treatment, and I would not come home (we live together) until I heard from her. I even left her a note with the phone numbers of the treatment centers she mentioned.
It's now 1:30 pm and I have yet to hear from her. I am feeling crushed. Do I need to stick by my guns and not call or go check on her?
I just need some reassurance, or if I'm screwing up, you can tell me that too.
I am engaged to a recovering cocaine addict. She has been out of treatment for 2+ years. But her mom died this summer, and since then she has relapsed a few times (at least a few-I'm not sure she told me all of them).
Yesterday, I got some fantastic news at work. I went home to tell her and to go out for a celebration dinner, and I found her locked in the bathroom. She had relapsed. Well, I didn't lose my temper (not too bad any way), but I was so disappointed. I was all happy, then I came home to this. So I was very blunt with her. She said she needed to go back to treatment (either inpatient or outpatient) to get back on track. I said that was great and I was very happy. But I told her not to call me today until she had arranged some form of treatment, and I would not come home (we live together) until I heard from her. I even left her a note with the phone numbers of the treatment centers she mentioned.
It's now 1:30 pm and I have yet to hear from her. I am feeling crushed. Do I need to stick by my guns and not call or go check on her?
I just need some reassurance, or if I'm screwing up, you can tell me that too.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Msguy,
The way I'm thinking is, this is HER responsibility, therefore the ball is in her court to get treatment. You did her a good turn by leaving the numbers, the rest is up to her.
Have you ever thought of attending Alanon, or Naranon meetings?
They're a great support system.
(I'm sorry but I have to say this...if I were you, I may be questioning my engagement with an addict, and if not the engagement, certainly the future..)
The way I'm thinking is, this is HER responsibility, therefore the ball is in her court to get treatment. You did her a good turn by leaving the numbers, the rest is up to her.
Have you ever thought of attending Alanon, or Naranon meetings?
They're a great support system.
(I'm sorry but I have to say this...if I were you, I may be questioning my engagement with an addict, and if not the engagement, certainly the future..)
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
I feel I need to say....once they start actively using the drug again it is very hard to stop. It's a vicious cycle. They want to stop...they intend to stop...and they say to themselves "just one more bag". It can go on and on. I'm not saying this happens to everyone because...really....how could I know if it happens to everyone but it seems to happen a lot in relapses. I think that's why we always fear the possiblity of a relapse because we know that they just might not get back on that wagon. There are never any guarantees of sobriety with an addict. There's only "one day at a time".
It would be a good idea to stick to your boundaries. If you put it out there..then follow through with it because each time you "take it back" is a signal to them that you won't ever follow through on your threats therefore they won't suffer any consequences for their actions. My exhusband still tells the story that he didn't believe that I was actually going to kick him out and divorce him because I "took it back" so many times.
It would be a good idea to stick to your boundaries. If you put it out there..then follow through with it because each time you "take it back" is a signal to them that you won't ever follow through on your threats therefore they won't suffer any consequences for their actions. My exhusband still tells the story that he didn't believe that I was actually going to kick him out and divorce him because I "took it back" so many times.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
Stick to your guns. If she doesn't seek treatment and stay clean by attending meetings afterwards - don't say "I do" - (BTW, I'm a recovering addict. We are NOT a fun bunch of people to be married to unless we are clean and in recovery!)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
ditto what sleepygoat said. I, too, am a recovering addict and I said I was going to quit a zillion times before I actually did. An addict usually only means what they say for the second they're saying it and will often say what they want you to hear. Go by her actions and I wouldn't say "I do" until she has some serious recovery under her belt.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
sorry i am late coming in on this. i do not know what you decided to do. i will say it is not going to get any better until she decides for it to. is this the life you want?you never knowinbg what u will come home to. you deserve better. i promise it is only going to get worse if she does not want to get clean.my son has been an addict for 13yrs. & is still at it. it is a hard,terrible road to go down. keep coming back. we r here.prayers,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
i learn so much here, especially from the recovering addicts. thank you.
i just want to add a book that was really good for me to read: the title is "it's not okay to be a cannibal; how to keep addiction from eating your family alive". i had my therapist read it and he has since passed it on to several people. it will strengthen your backbone, as you set your necessary limits with your addict.
i hope so very much she returns to treatment. relapse is part of addiction for most addicts, but that doesn't mean she won't get back on track. sometimes it's a turning point for a recovering addict. but you do need to be strong. all the best to you and to her. be patient for now, and strong.
i just want to add a book that was really good for me to read: the title is "it's not okay to be a cannibal; how to keep addiction from eating your family alive". i had my therapist read it and he has since passed it on to several people. it will strengthen your backbone, as you set your necessary limits with your addict.
i hope so very much she returns to treatment. relapse is part of addiction for most addicts, but that doesn't mean she won't get back on track. sometimes it's a turning point for a recovering addict. but you do need to be strong. all the best to you and to her. be patient for now, and strong.
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