I'm not going to call her
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
I'm not going to call her
I'm on vacation all this week. Plan "A", conceived way back in November, was that my AD would take advantage of the charity funding for the new year and go into treatment - and i would help her this week to do that.
She chickened out of that option a few weeks ago.
Plan "B" was that she would make an appointment with Planned Parenthood for a gonorrhea test and GYN exam for this week; I would take her, and also (completely her suggestion, not mine) I would take her to an NA meeting on the same day, where she would "see everybody" from when she was attending for a short time last June. Of course, I was happy she wanted to go to an NA meeting with me. I'm also 'jonesing' for her to get the gonorrhea test because she had symptoms of Stage 1 & 2 which disappeared and there are 3 lovely ways to die from stage 3 gonorrhea (which happens after the symptoms of stage 1 & 2 disappear).
She called Planned P. right after Christmas and they were closed for the holidays. She was supposed to call after New Year's and get an appt for this week. Needless to say, i haven't heard from her. I have left one message reminding her. She has a habit of not listening to her phone messages.
I could easily try to control this by calling her BF and asking him to tell her to call me, etc., and he would get her to call (he has in the past) and try to force the issue....
But you know what? I'm on vacation and i've got plenty of things to do - both stuff I need to catch up on and stuff I want to do for fun and I'm just plain sick of her good intentions and promises (I'm sooo sorry mom. I forgot. I'll get to it tomorrow I promise. Blah, blah, blah) which lead nowhere - that i'm just at the point where if she develops meningitis, or endocarditis, or life threatening joint inflamation from untreated gonorrhea (which she may not even have) then I guess her higher power will just have to get her to the hospital on time before she dies. So there.
Now the real trick - can I get thru the rest of the week without calling her again?? That would major progress for me.
She chickened out of that option a few weeks ago.
Plan "B" was that she would make an appointment with Planned Parenthood for a gonorrhea test and GYN exam for this week; I would take her, and also (completely her suggestion, not mine) I would take her to an NA meeting on the same day, where she would "see everybody" from when she was attending for a short time last June. Of course, I was happy she wanted to go to an NA meeting with me. I'm also 'jonesing' for her to get the gonorrhea test because she had symptoms of Stage 1 & 2 which disappeared and there are 3 lovely ways to die from stage 3 gonorrhea (which happens after the symptoms of stage 1 & 2 disappear).
She called Planned P. right after Christmas and they were closed for the holidays. She was supposed to call after New Year's and get an appt for this week. Needless to say, i haven't heard from her. I have left one message reminding her. She has a habit of not listening to her phone messages.
I could easily try to control this by calling her BF and asking him to tell her to call me, etc., and he would get her to call (he has in the past) and try to force the issue....
But you know what? I'm on vacation and i've got plenty of things to do - both stuff I need to catch up on and stuff I want to do for fun and I'm just plain sick of her good intentions and promises (I'm sooo sorry mom. I forgot. I'll get to it tomorrow I promise. Blah, blah, blah) which lead nowhere - that i'm just at the point where if she develops meningitis, or endocarditis, or life threatening joint inflamation from untreated gonorrhea (which she may not even have) then I guess her higher power will just have to get her to the hospital on time before she dies. So there.
Now the real trick - can I get thru the rest of the week without calling her again?? That would major progress for me.
It's hard, I know. Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
whew............. if i were on vacation i would be on vacation. i have my home phone forwarded to my cell when i go. nobody knows i am gone. the reason for this is i do not want anyone to know i am not at home. i do however tell anyone that calls i have plans for the day if i answer it. my a.s. thinks if the answering machine comes on day after day something has got to b wrong. ha! the only time something is wrong is when he makes it that way. i do not want him around my house when i am not there.enjoy your trip & do not worry about it.she will get there or she want. it has waited this long it can wait some more. prays she is ok & big hugs to you.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
We hear here "hands off the addict"
It is like watching an impending train wreck and not being able to yell "watch out"
I am keeping my hands in my pocket today as well. Usually easier said than done, but for today I am doing it. We can't make them responsible and nagging won't change anything.
It is like watching an impending train wreck and not being able to yell "watch out"
I am keeping my hands in my pocket today as well. Usually easier said than done, but for today I am doing it. We can't make them responsible and nagging won't change anything.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I imagine part of not calling planned parenthood is fear. Somehow if the appointment isn't made then potential problems can't be uncovered. Denial...Just like with addiction; just like my codependency. If I didn't acknowledge addiction and the role I played, maybe it wouldn't be a reality. That's where my sick mind brought me until I starting working on me.
I know this is tough...you are worried about her health, but you are doing the right thing for both of you. One more thing you can not control. I hope you can enjoy your time off and find something special to do just for you. Hugs
I know this is tough...you are worried about her health, but you are doing the right thing for both of you. One more thing you can not control. I hope you can enjoy your time off and find something special to do just for you. Hugs
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Sleepy,
I understand the dilemma. Boy, do I understand.
You are torn between wanting to save her and pinch head off, me thinks. I've been there. When I get the urge to go for the phone, I remind myself of the last conversation I had. You know, the one where she was snippy, sighing heavily because I'm so stupid, telling me that it's her life and I'm not going to like all the decisions she makes, and on and on. It's when I think back on those conversations and hear her tone AND realize that she did not take one word of my advice or suggestions, I'm able to look at that phone and say, "Nope. Not setting myself up for that again."
Now it would be a different story if I called and she said, "Oh mama, I'm so glad you called. Please, go right ahead and tell me what you think. And while you're at it, please advice me on these things I need to do."
Ok, so in a fantasy world, that would happen. But you and I both know, Sleepy, that when we start talking, they stop listening. As they told me (and continue to tell me) in my meetings, "Hangin', when she hears it, it AIN'T gonna be from you." They are so right. She'll listen to 100 other people before she'll listen to me.
Know that feeling? If you do, I say go and enjoy that vacation, call free. Make a list of all the things you want to do for you on this vacation and start chipping away at it.
HAVE A WONDERFUL, SLEEPGOAT CENTERED VACATION!
Hugs,
Hangin' In
I understand the dilemma. Boy, do I understand.
You are torn between wanting to save her and pinch head off, me thinks. I've been there. When I get the urge to go for the phone, I remind myself of the last conversation I had. You know, the one where she was snippy, sighing heavily because I'm so stupid, telling me that it's her life and I'm not going to like all the decisions she makes, and on and on. It's when I think back on those conversations and hear her tone AND realize that she did not take one word of my advice or suggestions, I'm able to look at that phone and say, "Nope. Not setting myself up for that again."
Now it would be a different story if I called and she said, "Oh mama, I'm so glad you called. Please, go right ahead and tell me what you think. And while you're at it, please advice me on these things I need to do."
Ok, so in a fantasy world, that would happen. But you and I both know, Sleepy, that when we start talking, they stop listening. As they told me (and continue to tell me) in my meetings, "Hangin', when she hears it, it AIN'T gonna be from you." They are so right. She'll listen to 100 other people before she'll listen to me.
Know that feeling? If you do, I say go and enjoy that vacation, call free. Make a list of all the things you want to do for you on this vacation and start chipping away at it.
HAVE A WONDERFUL, SLEEPGOAT CENTERED VACATION! Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: north carolina
Posts: 139
Originally Posted by Hangin' In 
Now it would be a different story if I called and she said, "Oh mama, I'm so glad you called. Please, go right ahead and tell me what you think. And while you're at it, please advice me on these things I need to do."
Ok, so in a fantasy world, that would happen. But you and I both know, Sleepy, that when we start talking, they stop listening. As they told me (and continue to tell me) in my meetings, "Hangin', when she hears it, it AIN'T gonna be from you." They are so right. She'll listen to 100 other people before she'll listen to me.
Ok, so in a fantasy world, that would happen. But you and I both know, Sleepy, that when we start talking, they stop listening. As they told me (and continue to tell me) in my meetings, "Hangin', when she hears it, it AIN'T gonna be from you." They are so right. She'll listen to 100 other people before she'll listen to me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
[QUOTE=Hangin' In;1631271]Now it would be a different story if I called and she said, "Oh mama, I'm so glad you called. Please, go right ahead and tell me what you think. And while you're at it, please advice me on these things I need to do."
Believe it or not, she's done with all the attitude and she really does listen to me, asks lots of questions, thanks me profusely for helping, for listening, for being there, for taking her to the HIV clinic, ... She promises to follow thru with things that are meant to save her life but 80% of the time, she 'forgets' to make the phone call or 'loses' her phone, or loses the phone #, or sleeps thru something important she needs to do, or didn't remember the paperwork, or got mixed up with what day it was...and then she's full of apologies, of course.
It's just sad, how unmanageable her life is, how in the grip she is, how powerless....
but I don't want my own life to be heartbreakingly sad also, because I can't let go of her enough to live it.
Last night I went to an NA meeting and ran into a woman who's AS died at age 20 from an overdose. Freaks me out everytime I see her - the realities that we face.
Believe it or not, she's done with all the attitude and she really does listen to me, asks lots of questions, thanks me profusely for helping, for listening, for being there, for taking her to the HIV clinic, ... She promises to follow thru with things that are meant to save her life but 80% of the time, she 'forgets' to make the phone call or 'loses' her phone, or loses the phone #, or sleeps thru something important she needs to do, or didn't remember the paperwork, or got mixed up with what day it was...and then she's full of apologies, of course.
It's just sad, how unmanageable her life is, how in the grip she is, how powerless....
but I don't want my own life to be heartbreakingly sad also, because I can't let go of her enough to live it.
Last night I went to an NA meeting and ran into a woman who's AS died at age 20 from an overdose. Freaks me out everytime I see her - the realities that we face.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Ok, Sleepy, so I see where you and your daughter are ... down the road a little farther than I was giving both of you credit for. I missed it...
I know this position, too. Oh, don't we just love all the stages of recovery?
So she promises but has no follow through. My sponsor tells me when she's referring to herself as the alcoholic/addict (she's addict/alcoholic and Al Anon): "We're known to be fast starters and slow finishers." Sounds like that is where your daughter is.
We've been in this position in my home. And as much as I wanted to help with the follow through, the words I've heard in my meetings and on this board kept ringing in my ear, and still do today. "Get out of the way and let her figure it out."
So when she calls, and my heart begins to sink and my knees buckle because I'm not hearing the progress I want to hear, I remind myself that she has to learn the lesson. And she will not learn it if I step in and do it for her. Most of the time I couldn't do it for her even if I wanted to, but my stinkin' thinkin' muddles my brain sometimes (that's an understatment...
) and I relapse momentarily.
Thank God for my Al Anon meetings and this board. I'm reminded to "let go and let God". I'm only cheating my daughter of what she needs to learn when I start to want to get back in there and control her life.
Hugs to you and your daughter cause I know how hard this is.
Hangin' In
I know this position, too. Oh, don't we just love all the stages of recovery? So she promises but has no follow through. My sponsor tells me when she's referring to herself as the alcoholic/addict (she's addict/alcoholic and Al Anon): "We're known to be fast starters and slow finishers." Sounds like that is where your daughter is.
We've been in this position in my home. And as much as I wanted to help with the follow through, the words I've heard in my meetings and on this board kept ringing in my ear, and still do today. "Get out of the way and let her figure it out."
So when she calls, and my heart begins to sink and my knees buckle because I'm not hearing the progress I want to hear, I remind myself that she has to learn the lesson. And she will not learn it if I step in and do it for her. Most of the time I couldn't do it for her even if I wanted to, but my stinkin' thinkin' muddles my brain sometimes (that's an understatment...
) and I relapse momentarily.Thank God for my Al Anon meetings and this board. I'm reminded to "let go and let God". I'm only cheating my daughter of what she needs to learn when I start to want to get back in there and control her life.
Hugs to you and your daughter cause I know how hard this is.
Hangin' In
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