Help, do we put him on the streets?

Old 01-07-2008, 05:17 PM
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Help, do we put him on the streets?

SO, some of you may remember my story... I am the sister to a cocaine/crack addict. He was missing for a month, out on a binge. He has been home for one month now (although, I realize as I write this that there is a possibility he has "left" again). He hasnt accepted or asked for any help being offered to him (rehabs, counseling, etc.). He has times where he seems himself again and then days when he is in bed for days. I realize that he is also suffering from major depression (he doesnt have a prior history) and that his brain chemistry has been changed due to his prolonged substance use. The problem is I have been trying to get off the rollar coaster, but every time I call my mother, he is all she can talk about. Recently, I have been feeling like I dont even want to call my mother. She is a terrific mother and person, we are very close; I feel bad even having that thought. :prayingMy mother is really tied into my brother, even financially. He pays half the mortgage in a duplex house, which he hasnt paid for 4 months. My mother might lose the house, since she is having trouble paying the bills or get another job. I am not in a financial position to help her and I am not sure if I would, as I am saving for my own house.
Here is the problem... what should I be telling my mother? My brother claims he is looking for a job (although, I dont see any action there), but how would he hold a job when I am sure he is still using? Does my mother give him a date in which he has to have a job or be in treatment (she is willing to cover the bills for awhile longer, if he is in treatment) and then kick him out? How do we kick him out and leave him on the streets (he has no money)?? It is comforting knowing he is there (and is alive), but I realize it is time-limited and a false sense of security. He has lost almost everything and says he is an addict, but yet he isnt ready to get help??? I just dont understand this.
please help, any and all advice/suggestions is appreciated.
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Old 01-07-2008, 05:48 PM
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Sorry that you are going through this. You didn't mention how old your brother is but I assume he is of legal age?

You can only offer advice to your mother but you can't make her take it. I am the mother of a nearly 27 yr old daughter and believe me, it took a lot for me to come out of "denial" over her drug use. I made all sorts of excuses for her, hoping that whatever she was doing, she would just grow out of it. It was when my younger, sober daughter turned to me one day and said that I was so tired and caught up in her older sister's life that there wasn't much left for her! that I realized I was hurting the very one who really needed my help.

Addicts do not seek or ask for help or even get help because of someone else, no matter how bad things get. They will only do it because they want the help and are willing to fight for it. Your brother does not sound like he is ready by any means. And yes, your mother allowing him a safe place to crash will only delay the inevitable. It won't help him to get help at all. All it will do is continue to make her life miserable and keep her raising the "expectations" of her son's behavior. She really needs to accept that he is not there even when he is there. She needs to focus on her and her life and since he is not providing the financial help she counted on, she cannot continue to expect that. And an addict will NOT get clean or go into treatment as part of a bargaining chip. It might work for the time he is in treatment, if he were to go, but it would not last.

I'm glad that you are trying to stay away from the roller-coaster. You are not the cause of what is happening and all your involvement will mean is that you, too, will become a victim of the addiction.

You cannot control the addictive behavior of an addict; you can only control how much you allow it to control YOU.

Maybe you can find out if there is an alanon or naranon meeting in your area. Even if you can't get your mother to go to one, you can bring home some literature that she could read. It's hard to get someone to see things through your perspective no matter how much they are allowing themselves to get hurt. But remember, you did not cause this and you cannot control this and you cannot cure cure this! (The three C's)

Keep coming here; you are not alone.

Hugs,
Marteen
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Old 01-07-2008, 08:36 PM
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Your post really speaks to the fact that addiction is a family disease...

I am the mom of an addict and I too became so consumed by his disease it was all i could think or talk about....my other children must have felt just as you do now.....

it took a long time and much recovery work (on my part) before i was able to "let go" emotionally from my AS and begin to enjoy and appreciate my sober children....at first, i just forced myself not to mention AS name....if they asked about him, I'd answer briefly and then changed the topic back to them....(its exhausting just to recall those days....)

I know how hard this is for you....you are right to stay off the rollercoaster...

I was so happy that my children managed to do that...it was bad enough that i was going under (at that time) with their brother but no mom wants to see everyone going down!

I pray your mom will find peace of mind...a way to recovery for herself....

may your brother reach out for help and start his journey back...

take care of yourself!
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Old 01-08-2008, 06:36 AM
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Unfortunately cutting him loose is probably the only thing that will save his life. I can only imagine how hard it is to help your mother to realize this. Why not send her on here to read some stories, this might give her a new perspective on things.
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Old 01-08-2008, 07:23 AM
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i have never had to put my son on the streets but there are alot of mothers here that have. i do know that putting them there will give them a chance to hit there bottom. i know this would be hard on your mom but it woould be the best thing for him & her too. how can he be looking for a job if he is in the bed all day. try to get your mom to a meeting. sending prayers up for your brother & you & your mom.
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Old 01-08-2008, 07:53 AM
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At 30 years old, your brother is old enough to figure out how to live on his own. I don't believe asking him to pay his rent or leave is the same as "putting him on the streets". I had to ask both my kids to leave - at age 17 and 18. They were young, naive, not working and very immature from their drug use.

But in each case, the pain of their chaotic behavior was worse than the pain of letting them learn their own lessons of how to live on their own.

As a mom, something that struck me was when someone told me -

My job as a mom used to be to keep my kids SAFE. That changes over time. We go from keeping them safe to helping them to PREPARE FOR ADULTHOOD. Our real job as parents is to help them grow into repsonsible adults.

At some point, that means NOT doing for them things they can and should be doing for themselves. It is hard to get up and go to work every day. It is especially difficult for someone addicted to a substance.

But until he faces the consequences of his choice to continue to use, he will not be willing to quit.

After all - if he has a roof over his head, a warm bed, a hot meal AND his drug of choice - why would he EVER quit?


Mom may not be ready to do this... she may need to lose her home to figure out that she can no longer protect her son. But she is very much like the addict... it takes the pain of continuing to do what she is doing before she is ready to change behavior.

Alanon helped me understand this. Alanon put me in contact with others who made the same choices as me, and who could tell me what it was like, and how they got to the point of being able to make those changes.

If you can, you might see if mom will go with you to about 6 Alanon or Naranon meetings. They can be very eye-opening.

I wish you the best.
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Old 01-08-2008, 09:50 AM
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I have put my AD out "on the street", but that is where she preferred at the time. How? It is hard, but you just do it. :atv

A quy last night at my meeting who has been clean years said he started to wake up at age 39 when he got home to ALL his stuff in the front yard and a note on his car from his parents saying "good luck. we love you".

You do what you can to help them, not help them destroy theirself. I know how hard it is, the gut wrenching pain, the thoughts, emotions, etc. but you are worth more and deserve some peace you will not have w/ an active addict around.

Prayers for you and your family from another mom who understands all too well!
susan
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