TrishaV

Well, I broke all the rules that I have learned over my short time in this forum. Right before Christmas I got a call from my AD saying that she is ready to get help. I refused to help her the first several times that I talked to her but finally broke down (hands off the addicted rule). I set the rules for her since she will be coming back into my home, back into her kids lives (bringing her back into my home - rule). Christmas was all but joyous, she was filled with so much hate and jealousy of her children it was awful. I had told her to pack her **** up that I was taking her back to where I picked her up from. That settled the mood for the rest of the day.

Now, grant it, she may be having withdrawls, but, I didn't cause it and I don't care. She needs to deal with it! New Years came and went and she received the paperwork for the New Life for Girls program. This program requires a physical, so...she went and had one done....of course nothing is without episode..she called to inform me she was pregnant! I flipped out! I can't beleive this! Now she will have two children by Pimps who are in jail and one child by a John! She said that she is going to abort the baby, this was never words said out of my mouth as I don't beleive in abortions. This was her choice, to a "simple" solution...yeah right..nothing is as simple as she says it is. This pregnancy is buying her more time in my home because she can't get into this program while she is pregnant! I did tell her, if she decides to keep the baby, she needs to find a place to live! I can't raise one more grandchild,....i just can't do it anymore.

Well, weeks later, my rules went out the window and we are at each other throats. I have learned to maintian my composure until I put the grandchildren to bed and then the words fly!! She is now out of money and cigerettes ...so..i bought her a pack....with this understanding...I will not provide for you...but..will I will do is allow you one cigerette when you get off your ass and do something. Dishes, laundry...etc. I am making her work for her cigerettes. I know this is sad..but...I will NOT provide for her any longer..especially when she is in my house rent free and does nothing!!

Anyhow, this is the reason that I have stayed away. I did everything I knew I shouldn't have! I figured this would be her "another" last chance and as always..it backfired! My home is on termoil, my kids are totally pissed off that they have to deal with all of this and my grandchildren are going to pay the price when she finally leaves.

:sorryWhat have I done?

sjr

awwww((((( trisha )))))~~~~i don't know much but ,i know what you did...you wanted to believe you daughter was ready to get help, and you wanted to help her....i haven't been in this 'game' very long...i would of probaly done the same thing. ~~~like i said i don't know much.....


i think the question is...what are you going to do now.

hopeful the 'wise ones' will be along soon to give you guidance, i;m just gonna give ya a big 'ole hug

ps...don't stay away...even if you think you are screwing up...at least you'll be screwing up with friends around to have your back and push you in another direction!!

i was told once on here....we got your back, front, sides....i'll never forget it...so my friend i am telling you...we got YOUR back, front and sides!!!!

cece1960

((((Trisha))))
Please don't ever feel you have to stay away for doing something you thought was right at the time. We are here to walk with you regardless of your immediate choices.

I wish I could gather us all in a room and have a show of hands how many of us have done similar as you, only to have it backfire.
I believe every hand would go up...and I mean that.
I am so sorry this continues to spiral for you.

Sounds like its time to make a plan B.

Wishing you light and peace
(((Hugs)))
Cece

sleepygoat

The 'rules' are really individual decisions, IMO. for example, my rules for my AD are:

1) I will help you get into treatment any time you want to get into treatment, assuming my work schedule allows at that time. If it doesn't, I let you know when it will, and atry to rearrange things accordingly.

2) You can not live in my home when you are using.

3) you may live in my home when you are 30 days clean (verified by urine testing) and/or have completed a minimum of 28 days of treatment for addiction.

4) I will supply you with cigarettes (the cheapest ones available) as well as food and shelter for a limited time after you have met the requirement of rule #3. (The limited time is yet to be established since its all academic until rules #1 & 3 are met.)

so, in my book the only rule you broke was to let her in your home before she was clean for a month. But truthfully, that's more my husband's rule than mine. I would bend that one if I was the only one living here, and let her stay if she was clean and willing.

what i wanna know is, is she staying clean? Are you testing her to make sure? and if the answer is 'yes' - WOW! that's great news even if she is a bitch on wheels! BTW, I like that you are making her do stuff around the house. good idea. I would also REQUIRE NA meeting attendance daily (that would be rule # 5 I guess!) for her to stay with me.

TrishaV

She is staying clean only because she goes no where unless she is with one of us. All pills what-so-ever are kept in a safe in order to keep her away from them. We have no company coming over because who the hell would want to visit a house where no on is happy? NA meetings will not work ..not because she isn't willing but because I personally don't have time for them. I work a full time job and when I get off work I have to cook dinner and care for not only my children but my grandchildren. I know this sounds selfish but I cannot afford to take time away from my kids + grandkids when I only see them for a short period a day as it is. Do I want her to get help and succeed, YES very much so, do i want to go out of my way to make it happen ~~ only if it doesn't affect the people who I am responsible for.

I informed her that coming back home the only thing she was getting was a roof over her head and food. I did not promise her I would be her taxi. If she needed to go to the doctors she would need to make arrangements with DHHR to get her there.

I will be willing to pay the $200.00 to place her in the New Girls for Life program. Part of that money is used to supply her with a bus ticket home. She has been well informed that if she doesn't finish the program for whatever reason ~~ that bus ticket will return her to anywhere but my house!

I can honestly say, I have no faith in her, how sad is that. Everything she told me on the phone to get her back into my house was a lie! She get irritated with her children and says hateful hurtful things to them. She has yet managed to hurt these children all over again and I let it happen! I allowed her back into my home when she wasn't completely fixed!! I am sorry, but, I am no good as a person because I ALLOWED this to happen!!

Elana

Ah no.. making a mistake never makes you "no good as a person." Addiction and the behavior of an addict has made her actions pretty unhealthy as a person.

Rather than waste time beating yourself up, what is your plan? Yep. What are you going to do today? Tongit? tomorrow? How are you going to move forward with the people you are caring for? What are you going to do to make this all less stressful? What are you going to do for YOU?

Just because you think you took a wrong turn is no reason not to pick up a road map and decide where you are going from here. Part of that road map, BTW, is comeing here.

Progress, not perfection. No bunny slippers and no frying pan that I can see a need for.

Remember.. you are a kind person and the first person you need to be kind to is you.
(((Hugs)))

TrishaV

Rather than beating myself up...I am.....

Going to do what it takes to create a happy atmosphere in my home. I will (by tonight) submit a deadline to my AD and either she has herself enrolled in a program or she has to move back out of the house. As for today, I am using my time while at work (sssshhhhh) to make a list of expectations not only for my daughter but for my children as well. I have noticed since she has been back in my house there has been a total disrespect problem from not only her but my children as well. Although this is hard on all of us, things need to be managed until something gives!!

I have moved forward in helping the people that I am caring for. I have fought with the courts since the middle of December for the filing rights of the custody papers for my two grandchildren. After several attempts and a person who cares working for the courts, Custody papers have been submitted and we received one notice from my granddaughters father saying he will sign his rights over and we are waiting on the other father to do the same.

As far as making this situation less stressful, I have to work on that on. I think this is a decission that must include the entire family. But, as far as "ME", i can't do anything for me when I have put my entire household in termoil. I need to fix that first before I allow myself ME time. But, i know it is something that I will look forward too!!

Thanks everyone for your support.

Trisha

lostparent

Sorry your going through this like the others said don't blame yourself. You've been doing a great job of protecting your Grandkids, I'm sure you'll get things figured out. Why won't rehab program take them if they are pregnant?
Sending prayers an hugs.

Done_With_It

Oh, I'm sorry sweet thing. Don't ever stay away cause you think your doing wrong.
We do what we do cause we are just trying to get by the best way we know how at
the time. We're your friends when your at your best and at your worst, so it wouldn't
matter anyway....

Spiritual Seeker

You are doing the best you can, no need to beat yourself up.
Live & Learn
This is an example of why it is said that addiction is cunning & baffling...and why we must remember we are powerless over it.
The rule I would add to Sleepygoat's list is the one I use:
If my AS living in my house brings chaos into the house, then he has to go.

liesagain

Trisha

try not to be so hard on yourself you did what you felt was right at the time and NOW your doing whats right for you and your family at this time...............things change we cant be expected to foresee the outcomes we just do the best we can from moment to moment

life is bumpy sometimes but your grandchildren will be fine they have you on their side...........

hang in there((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))) )))0

marle

My boundaries with my AD are pretty firm, but I can tell you that I have not been tested yet about her wanting to move home. She has not lived at home for 3 years. Her addiction started after she left home. She now lives with her much older abf who always finds a way to supply her with drugs. They live with his mother, who is a big enabler. I hope that I would be strong enough not to allow my daughter to come home, but I really can't say that if she were kicked out by her abf what I would really do. I think that someday I will be faced with that possibility. Right now she is not interested in rehab, I pray for jail time because I can't see her taking any positive steps while she is with him. So I will not kick you when you are down. Your situation is different from mine and I have not walked in your shoes. We do what we know at the time, and when we know better we do better. I think that Maya Angelou said that and she is a wise woman. Next time you will most likely be a bit firmer with your nos so you are learning. Hugs, Marle

caileesnana

I wondered where you were!! Never be scared to talk to us. This is not an exact science and we all do the best we can! The best part is someone has been where you are and can hold your hand. I'm so sorry for your pain and wish I could take it away. I am so glad you are getting full custody of the two kiddo's. What are AD"s plans for the new baby? I pray she will seek help.

Keep checking in, we codie's worry when you dont'!!!

susan

hope213

we are here for you ALWAYS. do not stay away for any reason. what you did is done, let it go & stick to the rules now that you have made.all of us have at some point slipped.this is a one day at a time program & it gets hard when it is our child we sometimes "forget" how the addict is. prayers for you & your family.

marteen

Sounds like you have a good plan.

If we all stayed away from here because of breaking rules and doing things against our boundaries, this would be a very quiet and lonely place! We live; we (hopefully) learn! Sometimes we can and sometimes we can't. Life never takes us down a straight road where we can see everything that lies ahead. Instead, it curves in all different directions and gives up hills, heck, even mountains, that we must try to navigate. Once we have been through the terrain a few times, we get wiser and learn how to navigate better but that takes time and experience. Even then, there are no guarantees.

It's in the "knowing" that keeps us trying harder. But we can't always do it ourselves. Sometimes we just have to admit that we did what we shouldn't have, get some support and move forward.

Hugs,
Marteen

Impurrfect

(((Trisha))))

Sorry AD is causing you so much grief. Please, don't ever worry about coming here, no matter what happens. Think about it....if one of the other mom's had posted exactly what you just posted, wouldn't you want to offer her support?

You haven't screwed up, you're not a bad mom. You are a mom who wanted to believe her AD wanted to get help.

It sounds like you are putting your focus back on you, your other kids and the grandbabies....keep it up.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

bookmiser

((((((((Trisha))))))))))

BigSis

Oh Trisha - if our part in the dance was as easy as [insert rule here], this forum would not be necessary.

I think after a short time in recovery, we codies begin to "get" the "hands off the addict" thing. We start to understand enabling, and it seems pretty clear cut that the sooner we stop providing a soft landing, the faster they will get to where they are heading...



But I finally realized - and it took me a LONG time - that I can only do those things that I can live with.

What is the point of not giving my kid a place to live if I am going to spend every night driving around looking for her? Or sleeping with the phone on my pillow waiting for her call?

If I am not READY to set a boundary, then setting that boundary does not make my life better. What I had to do was let my kids live with me - while they were using - until I got so crazy from the chaos that I was ENTIRELY READY to take further action.

But I was not ready until I was ready. And there is no set time frame for these things to happen in.

My sponsor in Alanon is gentle with me. She shares what worked for her - and how miserable she was before she was ready to make changes in her life. But she ALSO reminds me that she couldn't make those changes until she reached a certain "point"... just like the addicts don't seem to be able to get clean and sober until they have tried a few things (like changing drugs, changing friends, only using under certain conditions... none of those things work, only THEN do they try abstinence).

Our conditions are very similar - the addicts and us. I've heard in program many times - "look for the similarities".... and that is both the negative and the positive. I can tell you that my recovery looked just like yours at one point - and that there may come a time when it will look like that again! But I also know, that there came a time when I could not take any more - and only THEN was I ready to have my child out of my home.

I pray your daughter can find recovery soon. We never can see it coming - it just pops out of nowhere.


I wish you the best. (((hugs)))

caileesnana

Hi Trish,
What's going on today? :ghug

BrokenBridges24

:ghug

Think of you Trisha... Hope all is well.

_Broken