Nikki2003

I know I haven't posted in a while. Things have been in such termoil. But in less then 2 days my husband is leaving for an 18 day treatment facility to hopefully work on his problems. He hasn't done drugs and gambling since the middle of October though he has still been stealing money.

Part of me is looking forward to him being gone for the 18 days. I will have a break from the stress, the sudden name calling, being blamed for everything and all his problems, from having to hide all teh money at my moms and so on. I will have time to think and just relax with the kids and get things done.

But part of me will miss him too. 18 days is a long time. We have not been apart that long before. Part of me wonders if this is the beginning of the end. And that maybe that is what is best since it seems he is only putting on an act when people are around. I am not certian the treatment center will help much. Part of me wonders if he really is only putting on a show. That is what it seems like every time he goes to the NA meetings and comes home from them. As our doctor friend has said he knows all the right words to say at just the right times. But he just doesn't really care. He says sorry but never really means it. Says he will changes and doesn't. So I don't know.

I feel like i am stepping into the unknown. Do I make any sense? I feel like I am just babbling.
Nikki

sleepygoat

Treatment is a good thing, and you just never know what he'll learn or how he'll respond. I wonder, though, if he's really clean if the stealing is continuing. One thing treatment could help him with is honesty, with himself.

Spiritual Seeker

Just let it be. It is out of your hands. Stay in the day you are in and don't worry about 19 days from now. I know it is hard to trust someone who lies and steals.
But fear, doubt and worry won't serve you.
No matter the reason he is going, at least he is taking the huge step.
Perhaps this will be his time. Wouldn't that be great.
You get a break...enjoy it.

Ann

It will be good for you to have some time to yourself to think through your options and how much you are willing to take. It's not an easy thing to sort through but having some quiet time helps bring clarity.

Maybe grab a few meetings as well, they always helped me find solid ground again.

I hope the next few weeks brings real growth and peace to both of you.

Hugs

hope213

the unknow is always scary. things have a way of working out one way or another. try to relax. it will be a nice break for u & your kids.

Hangin' In

Those will be 18 days where you can put the focus on you and begin to decide just what it is you want for your life. Let him concentrate on his recovery. YOU concentrate on YOU!

Do you go to meetings? If not, I'd highly suggest finding some and attend all you can while he's gone. And then continue when he gets out. There is GREAT support in face to face meetings.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

peaceteach

During my exhusband's first rehab I was at home with a 3 year old and a 6 month old baby. I found myself sitting in a chair, unable to move or really even think, I was in such a state. A kind relative referred me to a counselor who gave me the Melody Beattie book "Codependent, No More". At the end of chapter 1, when I read the list of codependent tendencies, I finally woke up out of my dazed depression and actually laughed. I can't remember how many "symptoms" were on that list, like 19 or 20, but I was only missing ONE -- I recognized every other item on the checklist. It was then I thought, "Well, if I am this far at the bottom of this thing, at least from here I can only go UP!" I highly recommend you read this while he is gone, just so you can KNOW for yourself how much you are truly suffering, and how much better your life could be

marteen

Yup, just like the rest of the "wise ones" have said; concentrate on YOU. The time will go by faster than you realize.

Hugs,
Marteen

Nikki2003

Thanks everyone. It seems like he is doing all he can today to upset me. I don't know why. He is picking apart everything I do. Everything I do is wrong some how. If he is not putting down everything I do he is basically ignoring me. What a last day to be spending with him. It does hurt. I have to be honest about that. I want him to miss us just a little and I was hoping he would show a little bit of love or something today. I don't know. I guess I should be use to this and should stop whining. But I am not looking forward to the next 18days. a 2 month old baby, a toddler who is potty training and a 9yr old that is majorly acting out is what I am dealing with on my own for the next 18 days. I did not sign up for this when I got married. I am sorry if this is whining but I didn't. I did not sign up for this when I had my sons or when I got pregnant this last time or had my last baby. How my life became this I have no idea. It is like it is suddenly falling apart and i have no way to stop it.

Meetings. I want to go but my doctor is trying to regulate my meds so I might be able to. Currently I can't handle it. My emotional stability is not in a place where I can handle a room full of strangers and opening up to them. I would have a mental break down. As soon as my doctor gives me the ok I will go though. I promise. I know they will help. THis place will have to do for now.
Nikki2003

Empty

and seeimg him get closer to to a healthier lifestyle will make the relationship more desireable. it's good that you will have some relief, and think about the help he will be receiving, that should be a stress reliever too.It's ok to babble, it's important to let out all you rfeelings. This is a confusing time.
I hope the best for you both!

DevastatedJP

Nikki, he's probably just being mean cause he's scared but I have another thought too, if he's still stealing money, something is still up! Don't fool yourself (easier said than done cause I'm still falling for all the bullsh*% my husband feeds me). Mine went to treatment the Monday following Thanksgiving and I was home with a 12 year old and 17 mo. old. The first night, I read my Bible. I looked up forgiveness, judgment, marriage, love, strength and faith and sorta meditated on it then I slept like I haven't slept in a very long time. I didn't have to sleep with one eye open and one hand on the fire extinguisher waiting for him to drop a cigarette and burn himself up. I didn't have to go on my typical (and sick) search for any evidence of his drug use. I didn't have to worry about ATM withdrawals that didn't make any sense or why when he went out to get milk for the baby, the debit charge was for $44.20 (cash back, you know?).

Mine was glad to come home and most importantly ready. I was ready too. I missed him terribly and I hated that I could only see him one night a week for 30 minutes and talk to him on the phone sometime between 6-7 and only for 5 minutes (cause everybody needs a turn). It was like because they said we COULDN'T be together, we wanted to be even more (sick again).

If and when he goes, use the time to go to a meeting, be on SR as long as you need to be and roll around on the floor and have fun with your kids. My husband lost his job over his rehab and is still not working so it does cause alot of stress on us and I'm sure he is angry at himself cause he's not the breadwinner right now so I worry about him using again. Trying to take care of me - it's very hard and I've definately not mastered it. Still just getting my toes wet as a matter of fact - but I'm detaching. I also met all but one thing on the list of co-dependent behaviors and it shocked me. I would bet that you also meet most of the criteria. Stop the cycle and removing yourself from the equation so to speak and try to seek your own recovery (and I hate that too cause this is NOT what I signed on for and I resent having to recover from something I didn't do) but that's how it is for most of us and the program works I hear so I'm going to try it - for me and the kids. We waste so much of our lives taking care of the addicts, making excuses for them, crying wasted tears and begging deaf ears for change.

Although I love reading everyone's posts, I am drawn to Nytepassion's posts. She has been on both sides. She has helped me personally so much. I call her MY "sponsor" and SR is the bulk of my "Meetings". Thank you everyone!

Good luck sweetie. Keep us posted!:codiepolice

Nikki2003

Well he left this morning. This settled down last night and he actually was nice. He played with the kids and helped get the house in order. We packed his stuff and talked. I asked him what he is hoping for after all of this. And he said to be able to be a stronger family. I hope he is right but I don't know. We will see. I am going to take it day by day. He is there working on his problems. I am here no longer have to worry about him or any of the things he could be doing and so on. I know where he is and what he is doing. I am just going to focus on one day at a time. Or try too.

I have to be honest. I was crying when he left and he was crying when he went in and kissed his sleeping boys goodbye. Hopefully he will have the strenght to over come this. This is up to him. Not me or his kids. That is the hard part. The fact that it is not something I can do anything about.
Nikki

DevastatedJP

I think I hated that too - not being involved or having any control or knowledge of what he did each day. Not that I have to know everything but no knowing anything was a struggle.

One day at a time. Love the kids and practice loving yourself this week.

Hangin' In

Nikki,

Keep reading here for support. And remember, this recovery thing for you and him is one day at a time. Maybe sometimes it will be one hour at a time. But you know what? It works....just keep plodding along, listening and learning here.

Hugs,
Hangin' In