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Old 01-05-2008, 08:50 AM
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krhea75
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Help me friends!

Okay, after getting kicked out of the oxford house and spending the Christmast break doing basically what he wants, my son finally turned himself in yesterday for violating the terms of his court order. All the time, he kept telling them that he had finished treatment successfully,(which is partially true) but didn't tell them he got kicked out of the after care program. The cop kept saying "well, it's up to you (me) whether he goes in." so much for them being the bad guy! I am so angry about it. I told him he had to stay, and walked away and cried. He already blames me for all his rehab stays and problems. Now he can add this to his list. I know that this is not my fault, but he sure makes it feel like it is. I am so susceptible to his warped way of thinking. I have told him i would try to get the money together to bail him out and then he can wait for his court date. And for once (after taking on extra jobs to help out my financial situations) i do have the money. But there it goes. I know so many of you have said that bailing them out is not the answer, but I do think he has been clean since he got home. He is still thinking like an addict though. I would be so much more likely to bail him out if he would say, I screwed up, I deserve this. So please help me with your stories and advice.

So here's the story in a nutshell for those of you who don't remember my story:After getting arrested in july for selling adderall and spending a week in jail, he was ordered in to rehab by the judge. He finished successfully there, earning his ged at the same time. After 2 months there and 3 months at the Oxford house, he was kicked out for possessing prescription meds that belonged to another patient. It wasn't anything he could sell, but he knew that just having them would get him sent back to jail. He also sneaked home a couple of times during his stay at the oxford house, staying with friends without me knowing it. He has been consistently drug tested during this whole time and has been clean the whole time.
So what do you think?
krhea
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Old 01-05-2008, 09:12 AM
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krhea75,
Good morning.
What a rotten predictament that policeman placed you in. Somehow it seems quite unfair to you.

It seems like YOU'RE the one putting him IN, and now you're the one bailing him OUT. Did I read that right?


Somehow this shouldn't be YOUR decision to make, does he have a probation person, or someone he is suppose to report to? Who actually was he suppose to turn himself in to?

Do I sound confused? Cause I am.
Hopefully someone will come along with more smarts than me this a.m.

Hugs to you,
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Old 01-05-2008, 09:20 AM
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Krhea

First i want to say that my heart goes out to you....I know how hard this is

No one can really give advice....we walk together but we each have our own needs/boundaries/stories...etc

I can only speak from my own experience....

my son tried...I know he did... but he couldn't do it alone...and we soon learned I couldn't help him

bad things happened on my watch....not for any reason other than that I couldn't prevent them from happening....

I took my son to a shelter and left him there....(he is now in a recovery house) I have had many requests to come home in the months (18 and counting) that followed but i keep saying "no...stay there and figure it out"...he stays partly because he has no where else to go (he burned many bridges) but mostly because he has started to recover....it took months and many layers before that began to happen

it truly is a process...he unpeels a layer and then stays there for awhile...two steps forward one step back but eventually he goes on to tackle the next layer...

I'm rambling but what i want to say is I needed to stop providing a soft landing...my son needed to stop expecting us to fix things and he needed to starting doing the real work...not just sweeping up the surface but really getting into the corners and making changes...

you will need to decide what you can do and what decision you can live with

your son may resent/blame you initially...I knew that was a possibility but i also knew my son would die if he continued on his path and i knew I didn't want to live with that...

I've since heard my son speak at an anniversary and heard him say "my parents saved my life by doing the hardest thing they ever had to do"

Krhea...I pray for you each day...i always ask for support and guidance for all who are affected by the terrible disease of addiction

miracles do happen
I pray your miracle is just around the corner
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Old 01-05-2008, 10:05 AM
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THanks moose and lil,
Your quick answers have been such a life saver. I have decided to leave him in there until Monday at least so that I have time to decide for sure what to do. He called me this morning sounding as pitiful as he could be. I told him he would have to wait until Monday and he didn't say much. I will go see him today, even though I would rather not. He knows how to play the mom card on me. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts.
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Old 01-05-2008, 10:27 AM
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When your son broke the rules at the recovery house, he was making a choice. (A dumb one but still his choice.) He knew the consequences. In another post you said that he should have turned himself in right away because it would have looked better to the judge. He didn't and that was another choice of his. Now he is in jail, yet another one of his choices. Do you see a pattern here? I am not trying to be mean, but when are you going to let him pay the full consequences for his choices. I know it is hard, but take a step back, let the legal system handle this and see what happens. Sometimes we do things to ease our own anxiety that are not in the best interests of the addict. I know it is hard and I know it hurts. Sending hugs, Marle
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Old 01-05-2008, 10:47 AM
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(((Krhea)))
I have a HUGE stamp on my forehead thats says "Ask me I'll help"

I really really sympathize with you, I do because I would be having the same thoughts.
It seems your son is a lot like mine in that rather than doing EVERYTHING wrong, he does just enough right to make me think he needs my help to stay on track.

What your son has done isn't the end of the world, even if he feels like it is. I agree with Marle...he knew the consequences and chose to ignore them.

And now he sits in jail. You've done well in allowing yourself time to think.
You have done NOTHING wrong, or cruel or un-mom-like.

Your decision to allow him to pay the consequences was a hard one, so maybe let it play through. How long will they keep him until they decide what he is to do? If its a few days until a hearing, is it really so bad to let him wait it out there?
Where would he go if you bail him out? If he's been clean, he'll remain so in jail, and thats the important part right?

I can't see a judge throwing the book at someone who has completed a good bit of what was asked, and remains clean. They just don't have the room in jail long term for those offenders.

Think it over, and do me a favor OK?
If I come on here with a similar story, remind me of what I just said

(((Hugs)))
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Old 01-05-2008, 10:56 AM
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Krhea,
Hugs to you my friend...I definitely relate to how you are feeling. I think these wise moms here have said everything there is to say. I like how Cece put it...
It seems your son is a lot like mine in that rather than doing EVERYTHING wrong, he does just enough right to make me think he needs my help to stay on track.
...Wow I didn't even realize until reading what she wrote that this is exactly what I was feeling when my daughter was in early recovery.

I know you have to do what you can live with, but you have been taking so many positive steps in letting him face his own consequences. I too agree with Marle; the pattern of bad choices that lead to this were completely his and if you can live with not bailing him out, this may be a great opportunity for him to grow. Recovery isn't just about being drug free. If he wants to stay drug free, he has to start working on change. Unfortunately change can't occur when we keep rescuing or protecting.

I do agree the cop put you in a really lousy position...geez.

Big hugs.
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Old 01-05-2008, 11:26 AM
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OHHH such a tough one for us moms.
I told my son from day one that I would never bail him out of jail since it would be his life that put him in. and then i had to actually face this situation. MUCH easier to say then do. Everyday I had to call someone to help me not to bail him out. He would call begging, telling me its horrible in there. How can a mom let his son sit and rot?? (Ouch) but I did.
when he got out. He got over it pretty quickly and not much has changed but at least I'm not blaming his lack of change on my enabling.
I have a friend who calls me daily to stop her from bailing out her son. I told her what many before me have said and it helped me. He will be fine there. He is warm, fed, and safe. He has a bed. He will sleep at night even though you aren't. The worst thing that will happen to them is they have to get up early and be on a schedule. It will give him time to think, maybe to want more than this. Maybe to seek or work harder at recovery. Its jail not prison so don't get pulled into that whole thought process.
When my son got out he finally admitted it's not that bad but that wasn't the point, he didn't deserve to be there so I should have helped. but he knows now i will stick to this. (Sigh) (Sometimes I could bop him aside his head for hitting the Mom button, and the gut wrenching pain it puts me through.)
It is always your choice and your boundaries when you are ready to set them. I have found that If I take a step in the right direction before I am ready I tend to go back to the pattern when I am faced with the same problem. I have taken baby steps in this journey. When I was ready ( which I was that time) it was hard and painful but I didn't doubt it.
Prayers to you both that he continues his recovery.
Cathy
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Old 01-05-2008, 11:42 AM
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Originally Posted by cece View Post
He will sleep at night even though you aren't.
Now isn't that the gosh honest truth.
Whats up with THAT?!

If I ever get rich, I will open a codie rehab. Or, codie jail for those of us who just need a little more push

Three hots and a cot...no worries, company of others just like us.
(Ours will have a pool and cabana boys though)

And no, I didn't quote myself (not quite THAT egotistical) it comes from sista cece lol
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Old 01-05-2008, 11:47 AM
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I remember bailing my son out once, against all good suggestions, but it was his first arrest and he had a promise list a mile long. His promise list lasted 2 hours after he got out and I never did it again.

Only you can decide what's right for you, but please don't do it merely out of guilt or because you feel in any way responsible for him being there, his actions got him there plain and simple.

I agree with those above who pointed out that he needs to learn there are consequences to bad choices and I know that I robbed my son of that lesson for many years.

Whatever you choose, we're walking with you. Just remember that it is okay to say "no".

Hugs
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Old 01-05-2008, 01:54 PM
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i'm sorry it's so tough, krhea. he sure isn't making it any easier, is he? i know he's young, and i'm sure the maturity level is a big factor in his actions/decisions. but there are still, at the end of the day - his to make and live with.

i can't tell you what to do, you know the situation much better than i. i can tell you this - i will never bail my daughter out again. i did it 3 times, and it never helped a thing in the long run.

mom hugs, sounds like you could use those right about now

k
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Old 01-05-2008, 01:59 PM
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I would like to sign up for the All Inclusive Codie camp, with the Cabana boys.

Please place me on the list.

I will supply cheesecake, and pastry.

Thank you,
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Old 01-05-2008, 04:27 PM
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krhea75
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Thanks all. I went to see him today and at first he was very angry but then he seemed to come around a bit.I told him we would wait until Monday and see what the judge says. He did say, Mom there are men in here who are facing years in prison and they don't seem to care. I don't want to be like them. Yeah, you're right, he does just enough right to make me think he nees my help in staying clean. That was a profound thought. For today, I did not bail him out. Help me make it through the day, friends.
krhea
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Old 01-05-2008, 04:33 PM
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You can do it Khrea. Sending prayers for your heart to ease. Also prayers for your son. You know if he is in the legal system and they know that he is trying he may just get probation and random drug testing and mandatory meetings. That way he is responsible for what he chooses to do and you don't have to play prison warden with him. You can just be a mom. Hugs, Marle
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Old 01-05-2008, 07:30 PM
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Originally Posted by marle View Post
That way he is responsible for what he chooses to do and you don't have to play prison warden with him.
Marle...you are SO RIGHT !!
Turn the keys over to the warden. He's a trained professional. His heart strings aren't involved and thats the key.

I can only imagine how hard it must be khrea. Sending all my strength and prayers your way !!
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Old 01-05-2008, 07:49 PM
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lots of good advice. i want you to know u & your son are in my prayers. hugs, hope
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Old 01-05-2008, 08:06 PM
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(((((((Krhea)))))))))

I'm sure most of you remember when I had my son arrested?
He called every hour on the hour, begging for me to come and bail him out.
I thought my heart would break in two.
Then we tried the house arrest thing. Yeah! That went over like a lead balloon. He used twice in one week and I ended up paying the dealer for him. Arrggggg! Then when I had him taken back in, he was calling and telling me all kinds of awful "stories". Told me was was molested one night and people were stealing his food. It turned out to be all b*llsh*t. All of it.
He sheepishly admitted it after being there a month. Matter o' fact, he thanked me and told me he needed to "get away". That it was the best thing that could have happened to him.
He never shot heroin again after that.
Granted he drank awhile. (done with that, thank God)
Smoked weed (rarely, cause he can't afford it)
Now he talks to a drug counselor once a month and is at least trying to live a normal drug-free life. He's matured so much in the last two years. I'm amazed by it.
I would reccommend you stick to your guns, sweetie. No matter how hard it is. He is learning, growing, maturing, and experiencing life on life's terms now.
Big hugs and loads of prayers and support.
Love ya,
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Old 01-05-2008, 09:39 PM
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cece(1960):
Three hots and a cot...no worries, company of others just like us.
(Ours will have a pool and cabana boys though
I love ya - sign me up!

krhea,
Who knows why they do the things they do but all I do know is that if you try thinking or talking logic to an addict, you might as well try to fly to Mars! Even if they do test "clean" and there are several ways in which they can do that even when they are NOT clean but that's another story. The fact of the matter is that I do believe the drugs do wierd thing to their brains (duh, of course they do!) but even when they do get clean, it takes a very long time for their brains to follow along. They also seem to keep close to the "behavior" as if they don't know how else to act.

Hang in there,

Hugs,
Marteen
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Old 01-05-2008, 09:58 PM
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Krhea,

Lots of good advice from good folks here.

My first thought was he just isn't quite there yet. Having the prescription drugs of the other guy and then sneaking home when he wasn't supposed to. Yeah, I know, those things aren't all that bad, but maybe this little stay in jail will be just the thing needed to make him realize that being sober/clean means having to be honest in every area of his life.

I've learned that sometimes what we think is a bad thing for our kids is really a good thing. And like Ann said, we are only cheating our kids when we don't give them the opportunity to learn about consequences. I cheated my daughter WAY too long with all my enabling, thus keeping her from growing up to be the responsible daughter I had always wanted. Once I actually understood that, Khrea, I could more easily step back and let life unfold as it should, without interference from me.

Hang in there cause I know how a mama's heart feels.

Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Old 01-06-2008, 02:09 AM
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My only experience with this is when i got 2 messages on the answering machine last summer my AD from jail - she was crying and begging, withdrawing from heroin cold turkey in there. i didn't do anything. the next time she called, a few weeks later she was back on the street and she didn't even mention the whole thing, so i guess if she hated me she got over it! Of course it was hell hearing her suffering in those messages, but guess I did the right thing.
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