Natsu

I had to come here because I can't take this any more. I have to vent. It kills me to type this.

My son - my talented, intelligent, funny, cool kid - has turned into someone I can't stand to look at.

He just went down so fast. A few months ago he was ready to start college... excited about his band, his acting gigs. Going to concerts with me, talking with his dad about books they were both reading, hanging out with his big brother. Now he's lying, stealing from me, and dealing, and yes, using. All the time.

Dull eyes, dilated pupils, facial tic, greasy hair. So skinny he looks like a skeleton. Disappearing for days on end with no phone calls. His behavior and thoughts have become really violent and paranoid - OK, sort of psychotic - he acts as though everyone is persecuting him. His new GF is even worse - the **** she posts online is insane. Columbine-type crap.

The people he hangs with now are all unemployed, all living off a parent or grandparent, none of them in school. He dropped his old lifelong friends... his best friend was back in town for christmas break from college... and he didn't even return his calls. He had cried when this friend left to go to school out of state, and until three months ago, they were calling and emailing each other regularly.

His dog had to be put to sleep - he wasn't even there with him... and when he came in days after his death, he never even said anything to me about the dog. When his cat got lost (same week - that was hell) his big brother made up posters and got him found. How can that be my kid - my kid who loves animals so much?

My heart is broken. We had an intervention with him... he just lied about everything, insists that nothing is going on. He's just turned 18. There is no legal way I can do anything - I can't make him come home, or make him go into rehab or into psychiatric care.

God help me, I just changed the locks on my doors, and put new latches on the windows, because he broke in two nights ago (came in a window; guess he lost his keys somewhere) and took money from my purse. I had to cancel his registration for college today - classes start Monday. I got a new ATM card and PIN because he knows the numbers (from years of ordering pizzas over the phone - that used to be "his job" when we'd have pizza night.)

I haven't even kicked him out - because the ******* has not called or come by in over a week. There, I cussed at him (in absentia.) God, that hurts.

I am sad, sick, angry, numb. I am truly worried he will OD or get killed in a bad deal or get AIDS. Jail is the least of my worries right now.

Look, I am completely drug and alcohol-free - have been for over 20 years (his entire life) but when I was young, I did coke and acid and mushrooms and speed... lots of experimenting. But - I also worked, and went to school, and never got hooked - I stopped the coke and speed both when I realized that I was wanting to bump as I started coming down. I know some people can fool around, and then pull themselves together and stop using. He's not doing this.... he's literally unable to maintain any kind of normal lifestyle. And don't think that my past makes it any easier on me... it makes it hurt that much more. My guilt is overpowering.

My drug use back in my bad old days didn't mess up my life. His drug use now is ruining me - I can't sleep, I cry without warning, I can't concentrate at work. My stomach hurts all the time. I feel like I will never be happy again... and like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Ann

Welcome Natsu, my son is an addict and I know your pain.

The sad thing is, there is nothing we can do for them. Only they can do it and they won't until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping.

What helped me was to go to meetings and surround myself with support while I learned a better way to live my life, free of fear. Naranon, Alanon and CoDA are 3 very similar programs that many of us use and if there is one near you it would help you more than you can imagine.

My son has been missing over 3 years, he's been in and out of recovery for about 15 years now and this last session "out" has been his longest. To live each day in the darkness of fear for him would take me to a place I just cannot be, a place of depression and anxiety and sadness. None of that would help him, so each day I say a prayer that God will look after him and then I live my day well, trusting that He will.

Welcome to Soberrecovery. There are many parents here who will be happy to welcome you also (it's pretty early right now). I'm sorry for your circumstance but glad you joined us. Take a read around and know that you are no longer alone.

Hugs

hope213

welcome to S.R. we all here love an addict & like you it is my son. he has been using for 14yrs. drinking for 19yrs. i wish there was something i could say to ease the truth about our addict. it is a dark place they live & there is nothing we can do about it. we are powerless over them & there drug use. it only gets better when they decide for it too. this is a recovery program for you.there are alot of people here to support you & walk this road with you.i am really sorry your son has made the choice to use. it is a long hard road for the people who love & care for them. read around & read the sticky at the top of the forum"what addicts do". keep coming back.prayers for you & your son.

helpus

Natsu, Welcome. The addict in my life is my 22 year old daughter. She has been working on her recovery for a couple years new. She has 8 months clean. Her drug of choice is herion. Ann gave you awesome advice. Meetings can really help.

Good for you for changing your pin #. All the love in the world won't make our kids clean. But we sure can love them, not enable them & give concequensces all at the same time. When I first came here to SR I was sooo consumed by addiction. I wanted to "fix" my daughter. Every minuet of every day seemed to somehow revolve around addiction. I learned how to let go with love, not enable, turn her over to a higher power. I learned that her getting well was up to her, not me. I learned so much here and at meetings, that even before my daughter was in recovery, I started to have a life again. I started to feel whole again. I learned that by staying up at night worrying would still not change the outcome. What would be would be if I was sleeping or awake.

The people here are wonderful. I hope you stick around, ask questions, vent, do whatever you need. We are here for you.

Hangin' In

Natsu,

Welcome to SR. I'm so glad you've found this board for it's full of wonderful people who are in the same boat as you are. We understand all the feelings you expressed.

As a parent of a recovering 25 year old daughter, I know how scary this is. The child we once knew isn't there anymore and we are absolutely powerless over them. That's a hard thing for this mama to accept.

But Natsu, I did. And I did that by going to face to face meetings. I attend Al Anon. We have no Nar Anon in my town, but it doesn't matter. Both groups offer support to family members and friends of the addicted.

I also practically lived on this board, seeking the wisdom and advice of those who were walking this same road and seemed to be doing so much better than I was.

As far as your background and his addiction, please know this. Remember the 3 C's:

You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it

You are being smart in protecting yourself. I know I hated that I had to get to that point, but the drug is driving your son right now and that means doing whatever to get his fix.

Please stick around and try to find a meeting. You can get through this. I know today it doesn't seem like it, but you can. You really can.

Hugs and prayers for you and your son,
Hangin' In

Not highTEK

I want applaud your strength for keeping yourself safe.I'm an addict with over 20 years of addiction in my history dating back to when I was a pre teen. I'm now a drug and alcohol counselor. I read your story and after a long while of making amends in life I feel your anguish in your words.
I hope that I can say something here that will help you get through the days to come. The other parents have given you some good advice. You definately need some out side support.There is no reason that you should be trying to go through this alone.
Right now your son is trapped in the middle of a self-centered hell he doesn't understand yet. Please believe me when I tell you that there is almost nothing you can do for him until he is ready to stop and no one else is going to be able to tell him when that is going to be.
I see this problem on a day to day basis in my work. If I can say anything, it's that the most important thing in the world for you to do right now is KEEP YOURSELF SAFE in every aspect. The tougher you are the better off you will be in the long run. It's right for you to be angry!
STAY FIRM Not highTEK

bookmiser

(((((((Natsu))))))))



It helps just knowing that your not alone, doesn't it?
When I first came to sr in 2005, I felt the exact same way as you do.
My son was skeletal, completely manic, and stealing and dealing to survive his addiction to heroin. At the time, he was living outside of my home. He was 19. When confronted, he began crying and begging for some sort of help.
It was a long road. Detox, methadone maintenance clinic, relapses, psychiatric hospital stays, and then finally jail, after he robbed my home. He spent 6 months there drying out and once the judge decided to sentence him, I dropped the charge thinking he'd suffered enough. Sometimes, I wonder if I had gone through with the charges, where he would be today. Hindsight...
He did continue drinking and smoking pot once he left jail, but not in my home. I couldn't live with him. He was draining the life right outta me.
He moved in with his father, who is an active alcoholic.
My son didn't work a program. He bounced from one job to another.
He met an older woman and started staying with her. She is bi-polar.
They have been together almost 10 months. She's 36 to his 26.
He now sees a doctor regularly and a drug counselor, as well. He's been diagnosed bi-polar, too. He's on medication, but still struggles.
Right now, both of them are out of work. She cleans her fathers home for money. He chops wood for a neighbor. I don't know what the future holds for my son. I just know that I did not cause it, can't control it, and can't cure him. He has to do that for himself. We still have a good relationship. I have boundries and I no longer enable his behavior. He's learned to "adjust" to that. lol. For now.
I wish you all the best with your son and I pray that he reaches a point where he wants to change his life and travel a recovery path.
In the meantime, as an adult, he must learn this for himself.
I know your pain, as his mother. It's heartbreaking to watch our children suffer so.
Read around. Get into face to face meetings with others who know your pain.
Keep coming back for support and prayers. Learn to take things one day at a time. Most important...
Let go and let God lead your son's life. He'll take him where he needs to be.
It has to get worse, to get better. Jmho. (just my honest opinion)
All said with prayers, support, and understanding,
Linda

VanessaLee13

(((((((Natsu)))))))

Yes, find an Alanon or Naranon meeting in your area. It always helps knowing you aren't going through this alone. And keep coming back to SoberRecovery. There are awesome parents, siblings, friends, husbands, wives, etc here.
Vanessa

sjr

(((((natsu)))))

i so hear my own pain in your words. i am the mother of a 16 yr old addicted daughter. she went from the sweet beautiful, popular, cheerleader to someone who now "scraps the bottom of the barrell" for her friends. she's failed school. doesn't socialize with anyone she used to. she too will leave for days at a time and i don't know where she is. i think they all do that.

i hope you will take the time to stick around and read,read,read!!! i spent one night going all the way back to the beginning of these threads and just read people's stories. it does make you feel better knowing you are not alone in your struggles. i have finally learned i did not cause my daughter's addiction. i am working on the i can't cure it or control it part.

but knowing i didn't cause it~~well that was a big step for me.

good for you for changing the locks and pin numbers.~~they will lie...they will steal
protect yourself.

prayers for you and your son that he will hit his bottom soon.

welcome to SR........shelly

cece

Hi,
mother of a 22 yo AS.

With this happening so quickly for you, you can be proud at how well you are dealing with this. It took me much longer to realize the best way to help my son was to "Let Go" of his problems. I tired to fix so much at first. Maybe because like you it was such an about face in personality. I thought I could help get him back to where he was. where I wanted him. My son was a good student in HS with good friends. He was active in Sports and his youth group. Spent lots of time on charity work. A great kid and I felt blessed.
Until his first semester in college when it became a full blown problem and he fell apart. I found out he was using in HS but I wouldn't have guessed how much.
I, like you, messed around with substances when I was younger, before I was married and had him, Like you I still had a job and was responsible. But thats because I don't have that addiction. I surely hope you don't think because you did this before he was born its somehow responsible for his choices now? Thats a big stretch, even for me and I was the Queen of Guilt about my son's addiction, But we are not that powerful.
I still grieve for the loss of the son I knew, but I still love the son I have now. I pray for him and hand him daily over to God. ( Sometimes I throw him at God!)
Like everyone else has stated. GET HELP for you. find meetings. Face to face w/ others who face this is so important.But the people here have become an important support group and refuge for me also. We don't beat each other up here. We all are a work in progress.
Praying for you and your son. I know the initial shock and grief can be overwhelming. So keep your focus.
Cathy
Like everyone else says get help,

Miss Pink

Cancer can emaciate people within 6 weeks. Shrink them down to skin and bones.

So does addiction...only its not the body that first withers away....its the mind, sould and spirit.

Same principles apply to each. Acceptance of it. Understanding how you can help and how you can hurt.....then you will be better able to cope.

12 steps do it for me on a daily basis. Bless you and hope you get that help. You are not alone.

BigSis

(((Natsu))) Another mom of addicts here. Like you, I used in my early years. I drank alcoholically - and it was only luck that got me sober when I did.

What I discovered with my kids is that almost none of the drugs are like the ones I used back in the day... they are stronger, harsher, chemically altered "designer" drugs created and changed entirely to hook the user. Even the pot today is something like 15 times more potent than the stuff we used back then.

You are right - some folks can use recreationally. But I have yet to meet a recreational user of meth or heroin. My kid got addicted to meth the summer between 6th and 7th grades, and Mr. Big and I discovered her use when she was a junior in high school.

I don't know about you - but I was NOT looking for addiction in my kid when she was in junior high school. She was on the recreation soccer and basketball teams. She danced tap and jazz and performed locally. She was artistic, bright and got easy "A"s at school. She was a girl scout and popular.

And all that went away with her drug use.

Neither of my kids were able to attend college - and I wasted a lot of money trying to get them to go.

But you know what? Them not attending was actually harder on ME than on them. I spent 20 years saving to give them something I didn't get - a college education. It was MY value... MY dream. Not theirs.

Acceptance of their drug use took me a long time. Trying to control and cure it nearly took me off the planet. What saved my life - and what has made it better and better every day is attending Alanon meetings, getting a sponsor and working the program.

It felt weird to me to focus so much of my energy on ME - after all, me and Mr. Big don't drink, smoke or drug.... but in the long run, it WAS the thing that made the biggest difference in the quality of my life as a mom of addicts.

I urge you to find some Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area... to read the sticky posts at the top of our forum... and to click on the names of some of the posters around here and read some of our threads.

There is a lot to learn about addiction - and even though some of the information is easy to digest intellectually - it is a bear to "get it" emotionally.

I wish you the best.


((hugs))

marle

Just wanted to say welcome. Another mom here. Addict daughter, 21. I can't add much to what has been said before me except I know that it can and does get better if you are willing to let go, put the focus on you and let your son hit his bottom without a soft place from you to catch his fall. Not easy, but can be done. Hugs, Marle

Easeful

Hi Natsu, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I had a lot of the same observations about my son. The paranoia, going through money, filthy appearance, massive weight loss in a short period of time. I was sure it was drugs. We just went through a major episode during which he was drug and alcohol tested and came up completely clean. Turns out that it was a paranoid schizophrenic episode as a result of untreated bi-polar. We're two weeks into this and the change in his appearace and behavior is remarkable.

It seems that it was not a bad thing that I was treating his behavior with tough love. It brought about a complete break and a "bottom" of sorts. I'm hopeful this means he will not be one of those bi-polar people who begin to feel better and go off of their meds.

Just something to keep in mind. Prayers for you and your son.

mooselips

((Natsu)))
Mom of 2 addict sons.
I just want to send you warm, peaceful thoughts, and
let you know we're all here for you.

You're not alone.


Hugs,

justjo

Natsu, I give you my love - Keep coming back in here please. I understand every word you said.
Justjo

Natsu

Thank you , thank you, for all just being there and letting me know that someone else understands... understands how I can be so angry and so sad, so worried and guilty. I am crying as I read your replies. I couldn't sleep at all last night - we'd spent the day yesterday changing bank accounts. I never thought I would be doing this.

I wish we lived in a world where no one understood, because no one else had an addict child.

I will read your stories. I am so sad for your pain too.... this is worse than anything I've ever been through. And you are right... I know I have to do something to protect myself physically and financially but also emotionally.

I've been stuck in a bad pattern of being hyper-competent at work, and then immobile at home - hiding in my room, crying, staying up all night, and getting up the next day to start all over again. My husband and my sister are both urging me to talk to someone... I guess they are seeing me fall apart. It's just so hard to do... so hard to even say (admit... think about...) what he's doing, what he's turned into.

Spiritual Seeker

I can relate: "been there done that" with my son who is now 23.
Addiction can be a long journey, one that you are in too.
The journey of self-discovery and recovery can begin with you if you work a program.
For me it has been Al-anon.
Every mom has the "fantasy" that if they don't stay engaged with their addict child he/she will die" quote from Dr. Drew.
In reality we are powerless and the quicker we come to this realizaton (step one) the healthier we become.
Change is enevitable. Fear, doubt and worry are not our friends. Avoid them.
This month, My son is on the verge of heading off to his 3rd rehab...this one to be 9-12 mos.
I feel fairly positive he is going, as he said he would. Hal-le-lu-ya!!!!!
If he were to change his mind, I will be okay bec I will not go down with him this time. He will not be able to live with me as he has done for the last 5 mos. bec I don't want a front row seat to the progression of his disease. I too did an INTERVENTION Mar. 2007 and he refused to go. I am so glad !!! If HE had gone it wouldn't have worked because he was not admitting his life was unmanagable then. He ADMITS it now and he wants it to be different. Everything must happen in it's time.
I have faith and hope that we will both be fine in 2008. I turned him over to his own higher power to make the choices in his life.
Wishing you peace, strength + the wisdom to do the work yourself. It does work when we work it. May your son's higher power work in his life and keep him safe.

marle

Right now things must just seem overwhelming to you. How can you possibly make it through another day, all of the thoughts and what ifs and what will become of him. I was the same with my daughter. She has been in active addiction for about 3 years. I tried everything to keep her addiction from progressing. All it did was take me down into the darkness with her. I recently looked at a picture of myself from the time that I was barely making it from one day to the next and was shocked to see just a shell of myself. I am sure people were wondering if I didn't have a drug problem because I looked so horrible. I won't tell you that what I did to get better was easy. I won't say that my getting healthy has made my daughter want recovery. She is still out there using and her addiction is getting much worse, the consequences are there for her. But I am better. I still have days when I feel sad, when I still think of what a waste. Those days do not dominate my life. One thing that I have found about this forum is that everyday there is something that I need to read, something that helps me in my journey. So, once again welcome and know that you can get better no matter what your son chooses to do. Hugs, Marle

kelsh

Hi Natsu,

I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. I remember thinking how proud I have been of my children...a his, ours, & mine family. Our oldest daughter went to college. She is a lawyer. Our other children did not want college but have found their place in the work world. They, too, experimented with pot & I don't know how many drugs were available here in the 70's but alcohol too. They are all in their late 30's & 40's now.

Our youngest son, 38 years old, did drugs, & alcohol when he got out of the Navy. He went in right from highschool and did well. When he came back in four years he was drinking heavy, staying up all night & sleeping all day. He eventually was told by us that he had to get on with his life and get his own place & a job...he managed to do this the same day we told him.

He eventually was having episodes of depression and anxiety and was drinking more and more. He lost four jobs in a row in a short time for drinking on the job. He has been married twice and has two teenage sons with his first wife and was married a year to another gal when he tried suicide. He failed and now is a quadraplegic with caregivers helping him in his home.

I had a hard time at first, blaming myself because I am an alcoholic and have depression and should have been able to see more of what was coming. I did go back into counseling to help sort out my feelings and have set boundaries that are acceptable to both of us. This happened in 2002.

His Dad & I handle it differently ...Dad avoids dealing with it and puts some stuff off on me but I work things around so we stop and see him together when we are out and about.

Then winter weather doesn't go with getting around good here...he does go to the doc and his counselor on a bus with a wheelchair lift. So now we talk more on the phone. He has up and down days...and so do I.

I will be thinking about you...it is so sad to have to turn our kids away but it is the only thing that works. :praying

kelsh