emmers07

Hi all,

It has been quite a while since I was last here...in fact, 6 months today! The addict in my life is my 20-year old brother, and back in July, he broke into my parents house which ended him in jail for 4 days. Since then, he has been in outpatient treatment (which I don't think did a damn thing!) and tried to get back to his life before his "rock bottom". That didnt last long, and my family and I were stupid not to see it sooner. Around THanksgiving, the lies and sketchyness (I dont think that is even a word! ) of his behaviors made it evident that he was using again...BTW, his drug of choice is Oxycontin. My parents, who feel hopeless like Im sure the other parents on the site understand all to well, decided that maybe inpatient treatment in another state would be better. Not around his addict friends, dealers, and pressure. He agreed to go to treatment, and was checked in on 12:00pm on New Year's Eve...a chance at a fresh start for the new year!

He has been there for 4 days, and many new truths have come to the surface. He told his intake worker that he has only stopped using for about 2 weeks since July, and has recently started snorting heroin. Needless to say, he didnt get what he needed as far medical assistance for withdrawl symptoms because it was a holiday and there was not a doctor in sight! His counselor called my mom today and told her that he has not attended all of his meetings, and that his is immature and irresponsible...NO S&%*!!!!!! Would he really be there if he didnt make irresponsible and immature choices?!?!? DUH!
Needless to say, my mom and the rest of my family was very disappointed in the news from his counselor, and my mom and I are planning to go to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow *OUR 1st*! Hopefully, it would provide us some support that I think we all need in this situation. Im frustrated that we are back at square one, but as Im sure the rest of you understand, Addiction is like a game of Chutes and Ladders! Im planning to hang around this time, to gather strength for my family. Thanks for listening!

rahsue

glad to hear you are going to attend the meetings,it'll do you all good.
I hope your brother steps up and realizes his worth soon

hugs and prayers

ronnie

cece1960

I'm sorry (((Emmers)))


If it helps at all...

None of us should be surprised that a 20 y/o is acting irresponsible in rehab. We're dealing with young adults that never really went through the normal progression of maturing. They have some serious catching up to do. I'm sure also that the counselor has seen this many times before.

Please tell your parents: (and yourself )
His behavior is NOT a reflection on them as parents
They are not responsible for his recovery, how he does at it, or whether he does well this time around.
They can't make him act "better"
And last but not least...they don't "have" to get updates.

I say this last one because I had to let the professionals do their job. I didn't talk much to my son's counselor when he was in rehab. Partly because I was exhausted with the worry, and partly because bad news would have sent me into a tailspin.
Deep down I felt "responsible" still.

He still may get it...give him time. And whether he does or doesn't, it will be his to own.

I'll keep he and you and family in my prayers
(((Hugs)))
Cece

marle

My daughter basically did the same thing with rehab(made it 5 days) and the drugs, oxy to heroin because heroin is cheaper. Dumb choices but they make sense to an addict. Prayers for your brother. He can get it if he is willing to do the work. Hugs, Marle

Hangin' In

Welcome back, Emmerse07. I hope you'll stick around.

Now is the time for both you and your parents to be getting some good recovery yourself while your brother is getting help for himself. Attending meetings is a GREAT idea. I don't know where I'd be (probably locked away somewhere, straight jacket and all) if I hadn't added Al Anon meetings to my life.

Also this board is a great souce of support, so please take advantage of it. Maybe you could share the website with your parents, also.

Hope to see you around some more.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

sleepygoat

This counselor doesn't sound very experienced to me. First of all, she was surprised that he was "immature" - they all are. (That's the recovering addict and mom of using addict talking).
But 2nd, and more disturbing to me is that she revealed any information at all to anyone about an adult in treatment. Unless he gave his written permission, she is in total violation of HIPPA laws which protect all patients and their confidentiality (that's the RN in me speaking now).

hope213

i am glad you are with us.welcome to s.r.. i am sorry for your family 7 happy u are going to go to a meeting. keep coming back here, there is a support here for you. prayers, hope

VanessaLee13

Welcome back, Emmers! Glad you are going to your first Alanon meeting (my first will be this Tuesday). Come back and post about how it goes!
Vanessa

bookmiser

Glad you've come back with an update.
I know how frustrating this is for you and your parents.
I agree with CeCe. Your parents shouldn't receive updates on
his "progress". It won't change anything and will only drag them
down with his drama. He needs to "get" there on his own.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I pray he's ready, willing, and able to surrender.
Prayers,
Linda

emmers07

Well, my mom and I attended our first Alanon meeting yesterday, and it went well. We both had tension headaches after it was over, but also a sense of relief that we aren't the only family that has been through hell. There is another meeting closer to our home on Monday, and it is specifically for parents, so hopefully my mom will be able to relate more to others in the meeting. The most powerful thing that another group member said last night was that "thinking does not change our actions; actions change our thinking". It is something that my brother needs to do, that's for sure!

As for an update on him, he called home yesterday just to say he was sorry for all of the things he has done to the family, and that he's really trying hard to get back to himself before drugs. He thanked my mom for saving his life by offering rehab as a choice, but my mom quickly told him that he saved his own life because he made the CHOICE to go...

Here's hoping that things only go up from here!:bounce
~Emmers

mooselips

emmers07,
Glad you're here. And I'm real happy he's decided to stay in rehab.
I know my oldest is extremely immature and impulsive, sober, or using!

Glad you and your mom are attending meetings, they surely have helped me through the years.
I think they're a lifesaver!

Hugs, to you, and
mom too!

emmers07

An update on my AB...He was in rehab for 17 days before he was caught with Vicodin brought in by his roommate, who had gone to the dentist to get his fix. Of the 4 people his roommate passed it out to, my brother was the only one who took it...He had the option of starting his 28 day program over, but he decided that it just wasnt his time to get help or stay sober. NOW, he has all of these hairbrain ideas such as joining the army, flying to another city to "start over", and getting a job. He has relatively no job history to speak of, since he is rather lazy and would oversleep. He has court cases open in our hometown, and has been on antidepressants in the past year, which means the Army doesnt want him. AND he has NO money, so how can he fly somewhere else?!?! He is playing up the guilt card, and expects the rest of our family to throw him a "pity party"...and frankly, Im just not up for it!

So....my question to all of you is how to you avoid resenting or hating the addicts in our life due to amount of selfishness and hurt they put us through? Im really struggling with this right now, and just can't talk to my AB for fear that I woudl make things worse by yelling or "preaching". Any advice?!? Im frustrated and just want him to start making a well thought out decision!!!!!!!!!

Thanks....GO PACKERS!

bookmiser

((((((Emmers)))))))

You can hate the addiction, not the addict.
It's said here almost daily.
I do know what you mean though. It's hard to separate the two sometimes.
It's hard not to be bitter for what you've gone through because of your addicted loved one. Recovery helps get you through that, though.
Going to alanon/naranon meetings, learning what you can about the disease, learning tools, coping skills, and boundries, really make all the difference in the world. You need support as much or moreso than your bro.
I suggest you talk to someone professionally.
I know my daughter feels pretty cheated and neglected because of her brother getting all the "help" and attention. Once she threatened to do something stupid, just so I would "notice" her.
It's a vicious cycle that affects everyone involved.
I hope you keep coming back to share, get into meetings, and learn to forgive your brother for his addiction, someday. I think you'll feel better for it.
I truly do. My heart breaks for all the suffering loved ones of addicts.
Sometimes we get just as sick as they are. It's crazy.
Prayers and peace,
Linda

sweetpea40

Emmers07,
Hi sweetie and sorry to hear about your brother. I am new to the sight and I am a parent of an addict. This site has helped me so much with their advice, support, and caring. My son is 21 yrs. old and his drug of choice was OXY. He is in rehab right now and is doing well so far. My son made the choice himself to go to rehab. The rehab center of his choice is Cornerstone of Recovery. Seems to be a Great Place. One of the nice gentlemen on here also went to this rehab center. He really liked it as well. My son has been there a little over a month and has 2 more to go.
For your parents, my prayers are with them. Understanding the disease is a big thing. I really didn't understand it until I educated myself through the internet, family counseling, and books. We as parents want to make everything better for our children, with addiction we can't. The only thing we can do is be supportive and not enablers. If that is one thing I have learned from family counseling and this wonderful site it is not to enable the addict.
I pray that God will watch over your brother and your family. Be strong and pray for his recovery. It's up to him to do the rest sweetie.
:ghug
Machele

caileesnana

Sorry your brother is still making bad choices. I think it is great you are there for your mom. My son will have nothing to do w/ meeting, his sister, learning about addiction, etc. He says she is dead. I know how much you and your support mean to your mom! Bless you!!

this should be a stickey (from up earlier on the thread) I loved it!!!

Please tell your parents: (and yourself )
His behavior is NOT a reflection on them as parents
They are not responsible for his recovery, how he does at it, or whether he does well this time around.
They can't make him act "better"
And last but not least...they don't "have" to get updates.

I say this last one because I had to let the professionals do their job. I didn't talk much to my son's counselor when he was in rehab. Partly because I was exhausted with the worry, and partly because bad news would have sent me into a tailspin.
Deep down I felt "responsible" still.

He still may get it...give him time. And whether he does or doesn't, it will be his to own.

frstnm

sketchyness = one or more of sketchy behavior
I was all creeped out due to his/her/their sketchyness.

shockozulu

Hi, your post hit home because I recently lost a childhood friend to what looks like addiction. We are waiting on the tox screen to know for sure.

Let me tell you what didn't work for him. The geographic cure (he moved from a home on the west coast to the east coast), joining the army (he lasted less than six months), getting a job (his only previous job had been washing cars), and rehab forced on him by his relatives and friends (did that three times including two of the 'best' rehabs in the country).

What did keep him clean for a number of years was taking control of his life, recognizing he was responsible for his addiction. This feel into place when HE decided to get clean. It didn't matter what his friends and family wanted, he needed to want it for himself.

How do I avoid the resentments now that I know he chose to use again and not hate him? I remember that it was HIS choice to use again, it wasn't anyone else's decision. It was never my decision, even when we were close and he told me he had first tried cocaine the night before. It wasn't his parent's decision when they found out either, it was HIS decision.

I have learned from some of the great minds here on SR's FFSA that the only person who can make the decision is the addict. So as with all the addicts, I have learned to let go and let God, as the saying goes.

Praying for your AB that he is able to get and stay clean before it takes his life, and for you that you can let go of his addiction before it takes you down with him