Summerteeth

Wondering how others have handled this problem...

My dad is officially sober (from addiction to cocaine and prescription drugs)...detoxed and doing therapy 3X a week. I am so happy, he is committed to recovery.

The hard part for me is letting go of my anger. I know the things he said/did weren't him, they were the addict. But it still hurts. He's been sober less than a month and I hate to say anything to him yet. But someday I would like to tell him how hurtful those things are. Should I? Or should I just let it go...I have to admit, I have resentment. Thoughts like "Why do I always have to be the strong one?", etc. I feel selfish even admitting it, but it is true. I do not want to grow bitter. I love my dad so much and am so proud of him.

Any suggestions / stories from experience?

Jwife22

To be honest, my husband doesn't remember half the stuff he said or did while he was messed up on xanax. He said some pretty awful stuff and he didn't apologize to me in the first month of sobriety either. It was a few months in and then it wasn't for each individual thing and I didn't bring up each individual thing either even though I remembered it. I did tell him some of the major hurts that he caused me but I didn't break down each thing he said/did/didn't do to him. It would have just brought up old hurts for me and for him.

I forgave him long before he apologized. I had to for my own sanity. It was making me crazy because I'd just be driving along and think of something he did and get really really angry. Forgiveness is for me, not for him.

cece

This is a very good question. I have struggled with this one. Your feelings are justified and real and need to be addressed somehow. Yet for me, I understand "Letting Go" is important for my mental health, but at the same time their program holds them accountable and they need to make amends. I could understand how you would be afraid to say anything now to disrupt his healing but to wait seems to be bringing up the past. Letting go seems to be the only healthy answer for any of us. .
I am hoping Recovering Addicts with answer this also. They would be the best to give advice.

marle

I had to forgive because to hold those resentments meant that I was hurting myself. I consider my daughter sick and to be angry with someone who is sick finally did not make sense to me. I did set a boundary that I would not put myself in the position to be lied to, talked nasty to, or be used. That has helped me to let go of my anger and not have expectations for her. I would think that if your dad continues to stay in recovery and work on himself, that someday he will make amends to you. Until that happens, do what you need to do to protect yourself and let go of the anger for you, not for him. Do it because it will help you. Hugs, Marle

Babs

What would be the point?

To hurt him the way he hurt you? That is not healthy for either one of you.

To "get it off your chest?" It is only still on your chest because you are clinging to it.

To make him understand how hurtful he was? Believe me, he knows.

I love the line, "holding a resentment is like swallowing poison and hoping HE dies." Rubbing your father's behavior in (especially when he is newly sober!) only hurts you....because then YOUR behavior becomes the hurtful behavior.

Try writing out your resentments on a scrap of paper, tie it to a helium balloon, take it outside and let it go. LET IT GO!!!

Resentment means nothing more than "feeling again." Your Dad hurt you, yes, but you are hurting yourself with it again and again. You are the one keeping the pain alive, not your Dad.

Good luck, Summer, we all go through it.

Babs

cece1960

I struggle with that too...both with my son and with my Dad.

I know that someday I will deal with the feelings concerning my Dad, but I've forgiven him and prefer to let him and I live in peace.

With my son, I try to be honest when the opportunity presents himself, but there are still issues I need to work out...and they're mine, not his.

I found that time tends to dull the resentments a bit.

Wishing you peace
(((Hugs)))
Cece

Babs

I love the line,

"Forgiveness is the best revenge....."

So true, so true.

Babs

Ann

They say that holding resentments is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. That's what resentments do to me too although I have had lots in my life to justify them.

Forgiveness is the antidote to resentments, and forgiveness is not about condoning what they did, it's about us letting go of the pain of what they did.

It's not always easy for me to do that, but to do anything else just hurts them and us both.

Hugs

sue22

I really struggle with this too. I have been so hurt!
Thanks for the great question.

hope213

two wrongs do not make a right. i pray alot. i just don't understand the addict, even tho i really do. i say my prayers every morning & turn it over to my H.P. first i have to feel the feeling before doing this. it makes it a whole lot easier.

Summerteeth

thanks for all of your wonderful replies. I certainly do not intend to hurt my dad, or 'get him back' by talking to him about the hurt that I feel. But I can see how it could hurt him. I like the balloon idea.

I'll just keep on working.