Language of Letting Go - January 4

Old 01-04-2008, 12:52 AM
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Ann
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Language of Letting Go - January 4

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Separating from Family Issues

We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between our nuclear family and ourselves. We can separate ourselves from their issues.

Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction.

Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization. We may have family members who have unresolved abuse issues or unresolved family of origin issues.

We may have family members who are addicted to work, eating, or sex. Our family may be completely enmeshed, or we may have a disconnected family in which the members have little contact.

We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same.

We do not have to feel guilty about finding happiness and a life that works. And we do not have to take on our family's issues as our own to be loyal and to show we love them.

Often when we begin taking care of ourselves, family members will reverberate with overt and covert attempts to pull us back into the old system and roles. We do not have to go. Their attempts to pull us back are their issues. Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we're addressing our issues.

We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are family.

We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying then issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them - where it belongs - and deal with our own issues.

Today, I will separate myself from family members, I am a separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called a family. I have a right to my own issues and growth; my family members have a right to their issues and a right to choose where and when they will deal with these issues. I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues. I am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this.


From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
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Old 01-04-2008, 01:00 AM
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We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same.

We do not have to feel guilty about finding happiness and a life that works. And we do not have to take on our family's issues as our own to be loyal and to show we love them.
I am so grateful that I have been able to detach with love from my son's addiction. Walking into hell with him just took us both to a dark scary place, but by the grace of God and recovery I was able to fight my way back to the light and can only hope that one day he will see this same light and find his way back too.

Each day I say a prayer asking God to take care of my son, then I live my day in faith that He will.

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Old 01-04-2008, 03:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization. We may have family members who have unresolved abuse issues or unresolved family of origin issues.

We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying then issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them - where it belongs - and deal with our own issues.
I love this reading, but struggle with it as it applies to the issues of my codieness vs. dealing with my aging parents. At what point is it not a codie issue, but rather stepping in (like many children do) when aging / ailing parents obviously need help, but are in denial. One of them has alzheimers and is not 'mentally capable' of making 'any' decisions. The other one makes a mule look agreeable by comparison. Martyrdom, misery and pain...yup, that's them!
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Old 01-04-2008, 03:51 AM
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I think aging parents are to be forgiven for their forgetfulness and their fear. I've been through this a couple of times and it's hard to reverse roles but that's what often happens.

What helped me was family support and sharing the responsibilities and visits. Also, there are some great support groups out there, the Alzheimer's Society could tell you of one in your area.

It's not codie to do for others what they cannot do for themselves. At that point it becomes compassion I think.

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Old 01-04-2008, 05:50 AM
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(((Ann)))

As usual, you're right on time with this...exactly what I needed to read!

Things are somewhat normal here at the house, if you consider dad being angry and stepmom being depressed, and niece at her friend's house normal. I'm steady putting every spare cent into my "moving fund" and have decided to quit smoking when my cigarettes run out (today or tomorrow) and put that money toward the moving fund.

Detachment is a great thing, though. I'm getting better at it every day!!


Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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