frankly

Whew. I made it. 2007 is over and a new year is here. Haven't been on much lately, been struggling. My half full glass got tipped over, and I just let it spill. Wallowed around in a little bit of self pity, and got totally disgusted with myself. Started wondering if this is it, if this was really all there was to life, even wondering if there really was a HP. I'm ashamed to even write that, but I felt a need to confess it to someone and you guys are the only ones I feel safe enough with to even say it out loud.

There is so much wrong in this world, and it seems that the ones with the good hearts, suffer the most. Innocent children, good people. Why? Why so much pain? I reached for the only book that I thought could give me some answers and I opened it randomly and was taken to my quote that I have posted. I was given my answer. But I'm still argueing with it. I'm mad, but not really mad. I understand, but I don't. I keep thinking about Ann's post to me once about blind faith and I reach for that. Then I question myself, then I question my faith, then I feel like such a horrible person for questioning it. After all HP has done for me, I am so selfish as to harbor on what he hasn't done for me and question his existance. How utterly selfish is that.

Do I only go to my knees when I need something? A bad weather believer? Use it when it only serves my purpose? Am I only paying lip service to my own faith? Will bad things keep happening until I get it right?

I'm still searching my heart and soul for my answers.

2007 is over, time to pull up the bootstraps and get knee deep in 2008.

B

Hangin' In

Frankly,

I love your honesty and I do believe it will help you get through this rough spot.

I've discussed with my recovering friends about faith and questioning and we have all agreed that we have been through that. Don't beat yourself up. You put on the boots, as you said. Now start taking the steps forward for 2008.

I'm smiling as I type this because in your post you did exactly what we talk about in Al Anon when we talk about calling a friend. We often remark about how we find our answer in just talking it out without the friend ever offering any words of wisdom. I see you doing the same thing and I'm proud of you for it.

I love what I heard one time about the steps, the 12 steps we use in recovery. Heard a speaker say they are called the "steps" for a reason and that they are not called the "12 stand stills". Loved that.

Tighten up those bootsstraps, honey, and start stepping forward into 2008. From your post, I can tell you're headed in a good direction. Remember, we've got your back.:ghug

Hugs,
Hangin' In

cece

Frankly,
Don't be hard on yourself.
You have said out loud what many of us have in a small part of our head. I often struggle with this. When it's small in the back of my head I am okay. It's when it takes a full-blown, up-front place in my head that I can feel overwhelmed by it.
You are doing the right thing. Questioning it and searching for answers in all the right ways.
In my case I do the same thing and I will find my peace and faith-filled serenity again and those thoughts will go back to that little place in the back of my head where reality fights faith.
Because I have become a realist in all of this, it seems that the doubts never fully go away. I guess that's my struggle with me and my HP.
I think with some of the things we are faced with, its amazing we have any faith at all. We see the lost souls, the homeless, the troubled, angry, diseased-ridden, hungry people, that the rest of the world quietly ignores since they don't touch their lives.
Yet, we know down deep, that Faith, and our HP is the only thing that has ever restored us to sanity. I know I have never done it well on my own. So we return. For me sometimes not before I have really yelled and screamed at my HP.
But today my prayers go out to you.
Thank you always for your honest open posts. This one, as I write, has ended up helping me. Isn't that how it always works?

Cathy

laketime

I read a piece in time magazine several months ago about Mother Teresa. The world saw her as the faithful loving servant of Jesus. However, it appears the experience you have had of feeling doubt and seperation from God is called "the black night" in Catholic theology. She said that her "black night lasted almost 50 years before she felt back in union with God. All this time she continued her prayers and work for the almighty. This blew me away and also gives me hope during my black nights.

Lobo

((((((Frankly))))))
I totally understand what you are feeling. Ever since I have found out about the sexual abuse on my daughter I have lost my faith. I have also been afraid to be honest about that. I shared it with m,y therapist and she seems to think I will get it back. How can I get my faith back when the person I trusted most in the world betrayed me and harmed my daughter. I am at the point in my life that I don't believe anymore. God wouldn't let this happen. I don't pray for myself anymore. I do pray for others though. I guess it is kind of like Laketime said about Mother Theresa. I just feel like I have given up on this HP thing.....I just don't believe he hears me.

I wish I had some encouraging words for you Frankly, but I don't because I want to be
honest.

Love you Frankly...............Lo

mooselips

(((Frankly)))
I've never questioned my H.P.'s existence, but I have wondered why he takes on so much sometimes, that I don't get the answer I want...LOL


In fact, I believe our H.P. knows that we sometimes question our faith, that's why he surrounds us with miracles everyday.

It's going to be a good year Frankly,
that old year is all gone...


Hugs,

marle

I believe that God gives us the gift of free will but He is always there to help us through the dark places and there for us when we are ready to return to Him. I don't believe that God wants bad things for any of us, but by giving us free will, He allows us to make our mistakes and is always there, like a good parent, waiting for that day when we ask for forgiveness and turn ourselves over to His love. That is my faith. But believe me I have been tested since addiction has touched my only child. Some days I have to fight to believe. Other days it comes more easily. It is okay to question. That is how we learn. Hugs, Marle

frankly

((Lobo)) Just hugs.

Thank you guys, you are the best.

B

greeteachday

(((((Frankly)))))
I understand your struggle and I too appreciate your honesty and your thoughtfulness. You're working your way through this and ((((Lobo)))) I hope you will too. The responses here reflect so many things I've thought about but could never quite express in words. I do know that when I have overwhelmed myself with similar thoughts when I feel as if so many horrible things happen in the world, I talk to my HP about it. In my deepest despair, I found the focus on gratitude and the blessings I have do help me see the miracles. I know for me, if I can't get to that place where I see the positive, I will fall into a victim role and that does me no good. I also believe as Anvil said that focus on the crummy things just brings more crummy things.

Sometimes I have to stop my thoughts...they are dangerous and being in my head isn't a good thing...Can't quite describe it other than to say it is overwhelming. It's like when I think about all the things they write articles about being harmful...Sure living healthy and taking care of one's self is the way to go, but if I overthink everything that could kill me, I would be afraid to walk outside or eat anything. I'd miss my life and the joy that can be found there.

I'm rambling now, but I guess I just want to say you're a wonderful woman who has faced tons of lousy stuff in your life and your strength and faith and recovery are shining lights. I'm glad you have given voice to these doubts because that helps you work through them. Love you Frankly...my prayer for you is that your HP fills you with peace and shows you those little miracles that make his presence so clear. Hugs

CatsPajamas

I totally understand. And there are times I get really MAD at my Higher Power. I've been known to yell and kick and stomp and carry on and tell my HP exactly what I think. And it's ok.

It wasn't always like that... but I have come to realize that my HP loves me, warts and all. And I trust my HP enough to know that I will get just what I need at the right time. NOT necessarily WHEN I want it, but at the right time.

I don't say Thank You to my HP nearly as often as I cry to my HP. Perhaps that will change in time...

Hugs
Cats

hundow08

I thought maybe this poem might help a little

A Grateful Heart
Give me a grateful heart, Lord,
For each small favor granted.
As years unfold, may I behold
Life still through eyes enchanted.
Let me find beauty in all things,
Nor be to blind to see
The goodness in my fellowman,
That he would find in me.
Grant that my ears my stay attuned
To hear the smallest sigh,
And may I lend a gentle touch
To those less sure than I.
Let me remember lessons learned,
And profit from the past,
And may I build a bridge of dreams
That shall forever last.
Let me rejoice in simple things
I need no wealth to buy
The sent of pine upon the wind,
A burnished copper sky.
Scarlet roses on the fence,
Sunrise through the trees,
Lord grant that I may not out grow
Affinity with these.
Give me a grateful heart, lord,
Let me be satisfied.
When days are less than sunny
And plans lie at low tide.
For life’s a sweet adventure,
That leads to who knows where,
And love was made for sharing,
And hearts were made to care.
By
Grace E. Easley

frankly

After posting this yesterday, I spent the day in worry. I thought I may have hurt my HP for having voiced those feelings. I felt further seperated from what I was seeking. In my own head, I even kept yelling at myself, see that bird, that's a miricle, that baby over there laughing, that's a miricle, that huge barren tree, that's a miricle, and you dare question it? I'm surrounded by little miricles. I'm a miricle.

I think I'm just tired. I know I'm depressed. I also know I'm in the middle of a lesson that if I just hold on, it will be over. Things just keep happening that have nothing to do with anything I can control, some are little, some are huge. I think I've felt responsible for everyone, responsible for making things right for them, when there is nothing I can do except be there for them. My family turns to me, looking for me to make it better, and I can't. They think I'm so strong. I'm not. They turn to me, and I turn to HP. They don't believe, I do.

I do believe. And I'm sorry HP for ever questioning it.

Everything all of you have said, has helped me see that. Thank You.

B

mooselips

Frankly,
I've had plenty a day like the one you're describing...sometimes it's just hard to stand up, and shake it off. But, you're going to be okay.

Maybe you need some "Me" time?
Do some good stuff, just for you.

My favorite thing to do, is to go to Barnes and Noble, (THEY have a Starbucks...) and get a Cafe Mocha and look at all the wonderful books.


Hugs to you, thinking of you today....

mooselips

P.S. I said the comment stand up shake it off, because of the following story someone sent me years ago. (I guess I should have said STEP up, but what the heck.)
Maybe you'll enjoy it too.


Shake it off and step up

by Joseph Sica

Once upon a time there was a farmer who had an old mule. The mule fell into a deep dry well and began to cry loudly. Hearing his mule cry, the farmer came over and assessed the situation. The well was deep and the mule was heavy. He knew it would be difficult, if not impossible, to lift the animal out.

Because the mule was old and the well was dry, the farmer decided to bury the animal in the well. In this way he could solve two problems: put the old mule out of his misery and have his well filled.

He called upon his neighbors to help him and they agreed to help. To work they went. Shovel full of dirt after shovel full of dirt began to fall on the mule’s back. He became hysterical. Then all of a sudden an idea came to the mule. Each time they would throw a shovel full of dirt on his back he could shake it off and step up. Shovel full after shovel full, the mule would shake it off and step up. Now exhausted and dirty, but quite alive, the mule stepped over the top of the well and walked through the crowd.

A great attitude. A great way to approach life. Shake it off and step up. Too often we hold on to what has happened to us.

We hold on to it for a week, a month, even years. We cannot shake it loose from our memory. It eats away at us and steals our joy, happiness and peace of mind. The past hurt can create feelings of bitterness, resentment, anger and revenge.

We keep allowing these emotions to be thrown on our backs and if we do nothing, we will be buried deep in the well. Walls will be built in our relationships. We will avoid each other and the cold war begins.

But, we have a choice: keep it inside and embrace the hurt or shake it off and step up. Give it a try. Shake it off and step up. Words that have been said or actions that have been done, shake it off and step up. Let it go. Whatever it is: a rude comment, a past mistake, being ignored, we can stew over it all week. It occupies us all the time.

Too often we nurse hurts, we keep them alive inside and go over them time and time again; not only stewing from them, but now chewing them over and over until it gets us sick. Too often we rehearse hurts, tell everyone what has happened to us.

The cure is to accept what has happened, try to make sense out of it, learn from it, then shake it off and step up. When you let it go you feel free and you are no longer buried in the well. Once you are on your feet again you can take some action. You decide where you want to grow in life, the direction you want your life to take. You decide whether you will allow the hurt to make you a bitter or a better person. Learn from it. Emerge stronger.

frankly

Moose - I would love to print that out and post it on the wall above my computer. (No working printer) but I love it. Thank You