hundow08

This evening i was dropping off my mom at her house, and she turned and looked at me " I hope what ever it is you guys can work it out." she said this to me and i gave her a strange look. You see my mom has no idea what i am going through. She thinks i pick on my husband too much, and is alwaya saying what a great man he is. It is not her fault but my own that i have only chosen to give her crystal platter instead of my cheap tupperware (if you know what i mean). she also told me that she can read me like a book. maybe b/c i am her daughter and we share that special bond, that i dont really have to tell her, b/c she already knows, at least that i am unhappy.
As i drove away i started to cry. I can't work it out, i have tried, all i am doing now is bidding my time. I am so worried right now for what lies ahead. I of course am worried not so much for me but my AH and my little girl. when ever i talk to him about leaving he brings up killing himself... it worries me to think that i could cause him enuf pain that he might actually do it. and i know i cant control it. but i still worry about it. I just realized today that i am a silly girl. I thought that him ending his addiction would be two weeks in rehab. but i have been checking it out alittle and it looks like he is a good candidate for in-patient care for at east 90 days. he would never quit his job and do that. all these years hoping he would admitt himself to finally realize.. the task is going to be too daunting, and so of course he won't. it saddens me to think this thing has such a grip on him and that at any time.. it could kill him. I cant even leave my daughter alone with him any more, b/c when i leave he uses... i feel like a bad mother not realizing this sooner, that it is probably not safe for her to spend time with her father.. and she doesn't understand why she has to go why she cant stay with daddy. It just tears me up inside.. one thing i wanted to give my baby girl was a daddy.. something i lacked. But what can i do. I guess this past week i myself am relapseing in my own program.. waving my white flag, wanting to just hide away from the world. I feel like i am at an intersection with so many ways to turn, but with out the road signs.. which way do i go, how do i handle my own fears. Sorry for rambling my thoughts out on this thread. I just thought it might make me feel better some how.

BigSis

((hundow)) It is ok to be sad.... but I have learned to set a time limit on it. For me, one day in the dumps is all I can afford - otherwise I slip down further into the pit - and getting out of there can be very difficult.

So feel sad. Write out your fears... all of them. Write out the worst case scenario... the one you talk about here - even worse, because you know it can be. All the what ifs and if onlys and if I coulds... ever shred of your fear and worry and pain.

Write until your hand feels like it might fall off.







Then take the paper... read it once again... and burn it.



I did this at the advice of someone in my Alanon group. It kept me on the planet.... when I had already decided to leave. It was cathartic - like lancing a boil. Once I got rid of the paper, I realized a lot of my pain had gone with it.


We can survive this addiction... we can even still love our addicted loved ones. But we cannot sacrifice OUR lives for theirs. It just doesn't work that way. You can save a life from the tragedy of addiction... by making YOUR life worthwhile. If you have not found face to face meetings, like Alanon or Naranon - I urge you to try 6 meetings. They saved my life.


((hugs))

hope213

this is not your fault & you have nothing to feel guilty about. you have a decision to make, stay with him or leave. that is your choice. one thing i have learned in my recovery is that i keep no secrets about my addict son. he is an addict & it is not my fault. i let my friends & family know what is going on with him. it does not get any better & i want them to know. it may b a good idea to tell your mom what he is & how he is. she loves you & i am sure she wants the best for you. prayers,

mooselips

hundow08,
Oh sweetie, I can feel your little heart hurting, sure wish I was there to give you a big hug.

I do have a question for you.
Which is probably none of my business, but, I'll ask anyway...

You seem very close to your mom.
I know when I found out my sons were addicts, the 2nd person who I told was, my mom.
(but then again, she went through this with my brother)

So...I am just wondering why you don't share with your mom?
She just sounds like she loves you to pieces and would be so supportive.
Plus, I'm not liking her thinking you're the reason things are bad guy.

Are you thinking that if perhaps you stay, you don't want her to know?

Really none of my business, but I sure think she could be someone to lean on right now.

You're a wonderful mom.

Hugs,

GiveLove

Hundow,

I'm sort of in the same boat with Moose......I am wondering why, if she seems to feel that your husband is this saint, and is likely to not understand why you leave....why do you not confide in her? It is tremendously freeing to let those secrets go. I can't explain how empowering it is.

As things are, you now harbor the pain that you may be hurting HIM, and your daughter, and HER by doing the right thing for your life.

He will do what he is going to do. All you can do is set boundaries and see if he will respect them, and then follow through.

Your daughter deserves to grow up with a father who isn't a depressive addict. You deserve a true partner in life.

And your mom deserves to know what kind of pain you've been suffering, so you aren't carrying it all alone. She might just become an ally, you know? Not that she'll necessarily cheer for you leaving, but she may have some sorts of insight that you haven't yet thought of, and might be able to offer support in other ways.

You say your husband would "never" do a 90-day rehab. Would he do it if he was faced with losing his wife and child? This is what it means to let them make their own choices. This is a difficult choice he'd have to make, but it would be the right one for him, for you, and for your daughter. You have to know this, in your heart of hearts.

When you are ready, this might be a possible boundary you want to try on: "Get this help, or we really need to separate."

What he chooses to do with his life is not up to you. You can only cultivate your own happiness when it comes to addiction.

Write, write, write. Find out what YOU truly want to do with your time here on the planet. Is it this?

Love,
GL

hello-kitty

Givelove said it all.

The best thing I ever did as far as recovering from my unhealthy and co-dependent relationship with my son's father was to get honest with the people in my life about what was going on. The fact that your husband is an addict does not make you a bad person or a weak person. As someone once told me, it is not your shame to bare. It was an important step in my recovery from him. It helped me gain some much needed control over my life. It helped me begin to move forward.

In order to get through the pain of the addiction of our loved ones, we must get honest about their addiction. Otherwise we are still covering up for them - which is enables their addiction.

hundow08

I never realy wanted my mom to know that i married an addict. I never wanted her to know how stressed out and unhappy i was. I just wanted to give her a rose colored picture of my life. She always talks about how proud she is of me and what a wonderful life i am leading. i just hate for her to think the opposite. but it sure is a load to bear alone,,, and that is just what i have been doing. you guys are right, next time she pops one of those opened questions... no matter what, i will allow myself to let her in an this secret i have been hidding for soo long. all these years i have been so ashamed of myself. for not doing the right thing or knowing what the right thing is. I have always been some what of a straight arrow, so responsible and sensable.... these last years of mylife, are so againts my own morals. i think that is what is the hardest thing for me.
Thank you all for the great advice.. i really like the idea of writting it all down and burning it.. i remember doing that when i was a kid with all my memories of an ex-fiance. That was how i was able to let that stage of mylife go. so i will give it try with this one.

hello-kitty

Why would the fact that your husband is an addict affect how proud your mother is of you? If she loves you, she will love you no matter what your husband does. She probably will just want to love you more because you feel sad.

For me, that was part of my own sickness that I had to let go of. What other people do should not affect how people feel about me. It has nothing to do with me. I can only control myself. Not how other people act.

I feel like a huge failure sometimes - because my sons father is a crack addict. But that's ridiculous. Wouldn't you agree? I have to constantly remind myself that his problem has nothing to do with my success or failure. I have always worried too much about what other people will think. I have had to let that negative behavior go in order to recover.

greeteachday

As a mom, I just gotta say that your mom will be even more proud of you because you have the strength to work through this problem and to take care of yourself and your little girl. Would mom stop being proud of you if she found out your husband had a disease like a heart condition? Addiction is (in my opinion anyway) a disease and it is hard, hard, hard to find the strength to keep trying to find recovery. It's not your fault your husband is addicted and it isn't something you can control.

I understand how you feel...I think it is the codie in us. I spent so much of my life trying to shelter my parents from the realities of some of the things that my siblings and I experienced in life. I felt like ignorance was bliss; and sometimes it is. But as a mom I know too when my child is hurting and sharing it helps to ease the burden a bit.

I think that is why meetings and SR help so much...walking a journey together with folks who understand.

Big hugs...I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. Keep moving forward with doing what feels right for you and your daughter....She needs one parent who is healthy and the only one you can work on is you. You deserve happiness.

Cupicake

Gosh...I have so much to say but I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to put it into proper and meaningful words....but here we go...bear with me...

My exhusband is a recovering coke/crack addict. I thought for a long time that if I were to leave him then it would have to be a clean cut kind of thing....you know, divorce and never to speak to him again. Completely cutting him out of my life scared the heck out of me. I mean...for goodness sake...I loved this man. I had fear of what he might do to himself, fear of being alone, images of him being homeless and sleeping on the streets, fear of ending the marriage...etc. You name it I had it. I also thought that I would have to hate him because everyone told me I should be angry with him and hate him, his disease and what he became because of it and hate him for everything he took from me and for all the time I lost/wasted. I'm not going to lie. I was driven by hatred for a while inorder to get me through some steps, steps that my softy side would've given up on if not for my hatred and anger.

But through time I realized I don't have to hate him. I could still have love for him. To leave him (and keep in mind I'm not telling you to leave your husband...that is up to you. i just wanted to give you some insight on this side of things from my perspective.) does not mean you have to stop everything that you feel for this man. I still communicate and spend time with my ex...but just on a different level. I have boundaries set (this is key). I told him I would support him with my friendship in sobriety but I will not allow his addiction to affect my life anymore. This was for self preservation.

He may not have liked my boundaries and may not have liked my contingencies for keeping me in his life at the very least as a friend but he had to abide by them because they were, again...my boundaries. He was given the freedom to continue his active addiction but he needed to know there were consequences to active addiction. I had to let go of this. I had to let go of him. I had to just let go. I learned I couldn't control what he did...that no matter what i did, I couldn't cure him or find a cure for him and no matter what I did, said or didn't do...I did not and can not cause him to use. He may use me as a reason to use but that is within his own mind and his own choice.

I learned that the more I tried to help him the more I enabled him. The more I kept secrets the more I took responsibility for him. My shoulders became very heavy. I also kept him from consequences because of all of this.

Fear is a big thing for us. Fear is what keeps us in the drama and chaos. Fear is what prevents us from jumping off the merry go round. Fear keeps us from taking care of us and our own needs and happiness. We forget how important we are and how worthwhile we are.....that we deserve happiness. We deserve a life that is not affected with addiction.

One of the hardest things for me was finally telling my parents. I had to literally shout it out in frustration to their questioning inorder to get it out because I knew once it was out I could not take it back. I come from a family where living in or with active addiction is a foreign lifestyle. But when I finally told them, it was liberating because it meant I no longer needed to cover for him or make excuses for him and make him look like a "good" husband. I no longer had to hide.

So, you see, each step you take in being more responsible for yourself rather than being responsible for him and his actions is a step towards liberating yourself. Start with your mind and spirit first.

It's okay to be afraid and to have fear but what counts is whether you take the steps forward anyway.

holdingouthope

Hundow - I can relate to your posts so much that at times I feel like you are writing about ME. For a long time I struggled with telling my parents (mom in particular) the whole truth about my AH. She lives 2,000 miles away and does not see us more than a couple times a year. The truth has been trickling out to her over the past several months mostly because I am too tired and too weak to continue the charade of the perfect life. This past weekend I finally told her that he cheated on me. I was so afraid of disappointing my mom for things that my husband was doing, things that I knew I had no control over, that it was literally making me sick. But most of all, I was afraid of admitting these things to my mom because I thought that saying them out loud to her would make me feel like I failed at something myself. As I have said though I did tell her everything and I feel better. I feel like less of an island.

My mom gave me the same advice that I hear both here and at NarAnon - take care of yourself. She often says to me that she wishes she could take away the pain, but the thing that she tells me most of all is that she's proud of me, proud of how I am staying true to myself despite the lies that swarm and threaten to engulf me.

BigSis - good idea with the paper burning thing...i'm going to give it a shot, too

Hangin' In

So glad you are posting and getting this out.

I think your mom would be very proud of you if you DID tell her what you are going through. It's very tough to be in your/our situations, living with an active addict, and it's even harder when we are trying to keep it a secret.

Great saying in the rooms of recovery goes like this: You're only as sick as your secrets.

I'd recommend telling. Don't expect her to understand totally, but I know she loves you and would want to be supportive when her daughter is having such a difficult time.

Please try to find a meeting. I'm like Big Sis. Meetings have saved my life and sanity and have given me a new lease on life. Where once I saw no reason to go on, today I see many bright spots in a beautiful life ... my life that was made to be lived and lived fully. You can have that too. You really can.

Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In

GiveLove

Hundow,

I can't speak for all women, but I know that when my niece (who I consider my daughter....my late sister's daugher really) came to me and admitted that she had been living with her alcoholic husband and suffering for soo long alone because she hadn't wanted me to think she was "stupid" --- basically the same story you tell --- I was so proud of her I could burst.

She hadn't wanted to tell me, you see, because I was always so proud of her for surviving everything and doing so well. Her mom's addictions and death, her graduation from college with little support, etc. She hadn't wanted me to know that things were not all hunky-dory. She was scared that I would think less of her.

Nothing could've been further from the truth. I was just sad that she'd chosen to keep it inside for so long, and let it damage her so badly before asking for support.

Hugs to you. You should be very proud of yourself -- you have come through a terrible situation and you are still standing, still looking for answers.

You will get through this.