stephensmom

I just want to say that this is the one place I can come and get good advice and understanding.

Everyone else in my life is going crazy trying to think of ways to locate him. All day long my phone has not stopped ringing and unfortunately I think that no matter what we do it isn't going to change a thing

He has been reported missing and I think the holidays just made it much worse since he has an 8 month old baby and a 2 year old that he missed this year on xmas. It is not like him at all. He loves his kids and has always been very involved with them since they were born.

It just doesn't seem to make sense that he should just up and disappear after having a fight with his gf but I guess it isn't supposed to make sense. I think I am going to a meeting on Friday night.

I woke up this morning feeling horribly and was on the phone all day with family. I just hope and pray that he didn't hurt himself even though by now I think we would know something.

I began trying to keep myself occupied by cleaning and sorting through clothes. I go back to work tomorrow and I think I am going to the gym after that.

Again thank you all.

zoolu58

Eventhough it seems mean to just disappear, in the addicts mind they know something it not right and that it may be the best thing to stay away.

stephensmom

Does it seem that disappearing without contact with anyone is a common trait in some addicts?

This is the first time has done this.

msmom

I add my hugs and prayers, stephensmom. It's awful what you're going thru...and prayer is what we can do now. All I know is that addicts are unpredictable people sometimes. I'll keep praying for you and your son. It's good that you'll be back to work...that is what has saved my sanity.
Saying the Serenity Prayer has helped me alot.
God bless you,
Lena (msmom)

marle

My daughter has told me that her shame just made her want to isolate from the world. Could be the same with your son. Hugs, Marle

marteen

From one mom to another; keep your mind occupied with other things!

I remember "awfulizing" about my AD so many times; and the one time she tried to commit suicide and was taken to the hospital with her slit wrists, it was then that I came face-to-face with the realization that this could have been it - the final curtain.

It tore my heart in two to think she felt that miserable but after seeing and talking to her and the doctor, I realized that I was NOT in control; I never was and never could be. I could be with her 24/7 and if that was what she really wanted to do, there was nothing I could do to stop her.

I always told her I loved her but I told her then that as much as I loved her and would give my life for her, this was one thing I could not stop for her. SHE had to make that decision to live or to die and there was nothing I could do for her. And I could not give my life to stop it because the drugs were in control and as long as SHE allowed them to be in control, there was no "saving" her by anyone else.

It was a hard thing to accept but I had to. After that, it made things a lot easier because I did not have the guilt that I had the control or the right to run her life or her decisions. They were hers and hers alone. Her life and MY life; two separate things and I had to get on with saving mine because it was the only one I could.

Hang in there. You are not alone and HE will have to make the decisions that are necessary for HIS life.

Hugs,
Marteen

hope213

my son disappears sometimes for days with no contact with anyone. i remember the first time he did this how scared & worried i was before he surfaced 4 days later. today i know he is on a run. some last a night some much, much longer. it gets worse as the drug grabs at them harder. i am sorry you are going through this. i hope he turns up soon. stay busy & take care of yourself. prayers are going up for stephen & you both. hugs,hope

zoolu58

He's assamed of what he's done and what he;s involved with. just call and tell me you;re alright. Sleepless in Downers grove

nytepassion

To disappear is addict behavior and usually when the addict drops off the face of the earth it is because they have taken off and gone on "vacation" with their drug of choice and all caught up in their love affair with dope. They are using "in peace" (no one around to disagree with what they are doing) and in all reality abusing their drug and their body to the max (without reservation) ... It can go on for as long as they have money or their dope supply runs out.... then if he/she doesn't come wandering in all tore up to recoup or .. they might just crash out where ever they've been hangin out at and sleep it off and for how long sometimes depends on what kind of dope and how much they've used. I'm not sure what your sons drug of choice is, but I am sure that most every addict has a first time in vanishing (usually starts out a with a few hours here or there and escalates to over night .. so on and so forth) ... I know I did it and I know it scared the living daylights out of my family. (I had already told all my addict friends that if my family ask, "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME") I heard through the grapevine that my family was looking for me and was worried, but I didn't care ... I was mad at them basically because they didn't advocate me using ... and the parasite living in my brain was hungry and screaming for me to feed it ... the more I fed it the more desensitized I became ... anyhow, I was already gonna hear it for being gone to long worrying everyone, but when they realized I I had spent all that time away using their worry would turn to anger and they'd be pissed at me (it was a no win situation for me) and I was already in over my head so I might as well stay gone as long as I damn well pleased.

I'm not saying this is what your son is doing, but I am hoping and praying along with you that he will wander in soon or at least call.

******{Hugs}}}}
Passion
Recovering addict

stephensmom

Thanks. It is always good to hear from someone who has been in his situation because I don't know what he could be thinking.

I guess what has me really concerned is that the holidays have come and gone and no sign from him. He has two small children. I can't see him missing out on their holiday.

But I guess if he is rapped up in his addiction anything can be possible.

I hear all kinds of things as far as his drug of choice. I know he does Xanax and probably any other pill he could get his hands on. I also heard that he is now using Wet. He is also a drinker on top of everything else. He has never disappeared but he is usually quiet when he is doing his thing.

I just don't know who could possibly be supporting him for the last three weeks. When he left he had about $350 on him.

cece

My heart goes out to you. I have been thinking of you lately and this trying time for you.
I know that the times I haven't heard from my son have been my most trying mental times. All my Al-Anon coping skills are challenged and I often lose them to panic, anxiety, and fear.
But eventually he always calls.
Sometimes I think he stayed away long enough for me to get over anger and turn to fear so that by the time he called I was so relieved that he doesn't get the anger.
I know that in the way he lives. there is a possibility that he could be killed or at the least thrown in jail. Al-anon has helped me see that focusing on those possibilities takes away from so much good living. I can't let him steal another moment. (Its not even his desire to, but my ability to let his actions control my thoughts)
So much easier to say than do. Some days it takes all my strength to get my head out of the negative.
Someone once asked me ," Why are you worrying twice?" The first one is when you fear something happening. The first one is a waste of time. They aren't always real. I try to limit it to one worry: when things really happen, not when I imagine them happening. Then if bad things do happen, worrying isn't the issue anymore, I need to focus on handling the reality. Maybe a weird thought process but it helps me
Praying for you and your son.
Cathy

rahsue

oh heck yeah they disappear. it's one of the addicts laws I think, LOL, if they don't go missing at least once every so often they get thrown out of the addicts guild.!!!!!!

stephensmom

Well I know what you are saying about throwing out the window any recovery you have. I am wigging out over here. I find myself going from hot to cold.

I feel like I dread the most being that he has been gone so long with little or no resources and only the clothes on his back. My son is very vain and this is hard for me to believe. I often wonder if he still alive because none of his friends have seen or heard from him.

zoolu58

An addict keeps on going and looks for a minipulative people to support him when he's depleted his own resources. Us sober people should for their mistakes. I think not

greeteachday

My heart goes out to you and I am praying with you. I too have known that fear. I had to try to continually refocus because the worry and awfulizing did nothing. Each time I realized that was what I was doing I asked my HP to help me through this time and watch over my loved one. I pray for comfort and for news soon. Mom to mom hugs

Wascally Wabbit

Have you checked the local shelters?
How about the hospitals and police department? Have you filed a missing person report?

My addict son started his dissapearing act one day and I was in total frantic, incapable of functioning mode for weeks.
He was living homeless! For one year he lived in peoples yards, slept on streets. He called a couple of times. It was horrible.
When he started to recover, it seemed he was doing well, only to relapse and dissapear again for days.
Today he is living in a half way house and doing good.

I found that addicts like to dissapear so they can do their drugs without anyone telling them they shouldn't. Eventually they come back around in a pitiful state.

I wil pray for you right now, that you will have a soul strengthing peace surround you and keep you.

sleepygoat

My experience with this was that when the waiting and not knowing became unbearable, I did hire a PI to look. If the cops don't seem to be doing their job you might consider this if you have the resources. I know I felt better just knowing I was "doing something". And, of course, the info they gave me helped me find her pretty fast. It's expensive though. I had to set a limit (for me it was $7,000) which translated to about 4 days of them working on it.

stephensmom

His gf reported him missing. The police are dragging their feet because he is 22. I don't have money for a PI. I have been trying to keep on top of them.

I am going to have my husband call them on Monday if we don't hear anything.

There have been no john doe's reported and if he was arrested or in the hospital, it would be reported to the police.

He doesn't have any id on him or anything so they could only go by description.

ICU

(((Stephensmom)))...no words...just hugs....and prayers!

stephensmom

I am just trying not to give up hope. They haven't found anything so until they do I will hope for the best.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers