purge
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 78
purge
Perhaps it's the thought of a new year that has me feeling a little meloncholy... But I feel like I have to get this out even though it may do me no good at all. I don't have any other outlet. I have no idea where he is...
I am so f**king angry with you. And I'm angrier still that I can't contact you to tell you how pissed off I am and read you the riot act personally. Tomorrow will be 3 months since I heard from you. I saw your family while I was home for the holidays. They have no idea where you are either. And how worried were you when your brother did this? You were beside yourself. It consumed you. You flew out west to help him... but you would do the same thing to us? To me? For the love of God I told you to be careful. To not try to save him and drown yourself, but I'm pretty sure that's exactly what has happened. (actually I probably shouldn't assign you that much nobility, you're high cause you wanna be. This is relapse number 11+ right?) I knew you had done this before. I lived through a cycle that lead you to jail. I knew how much you had let your family down, and I understood their frustration and their wariness. But in my vanity I really thought you'd do better by me. You were so convincing. I really thought you were going to stay sober.
We all have reason to be screwed up. IF you live long enough the list will probably keep on getting longer. But it's time to be a man. How many crutches does a man need? You have a support system. You know there are many many people that would do anything for you. Any number of people that have begged you to call them at 3am instead of going out and getting high. You know how much happier you've been when you've been sober and living a full life. You know how much shame you have for the past. Why? Why go back to it? Why start from scratch all over again? Why take the last two years and the trust you were able to gain back and throw it away?
I don't even think I want an explination anymore either. I know I'll hear from you in a few months. You'll be contrite and self deprecating. You'll say all the things I want to hear. You'll call my sister. You'll tell her how angry I am and how right I am to be angry. How you'll rebuild my trust. You'll be so convincing. And I am going to do everything I possibly can to not give a f**k by then.
This year you are not coming first. You are not getting my worry.
I wish you well... but for the first time I think I also wish you well away from me.
I am so f**king angry with you. And I'm angrier still that I can't contact you to tell you how pissed off I am and read you the riot act personally. Tomorrow will be 3 months since I heard from you. I saw your family while I was home for the holidays. They have no idea where you are either. And how worried were you when your brother did this? You were beside yourself. It consumed you. You flew out west to help him... but you would do the same thing to us? To me? For the love of God I told you to be careful. To not try to save him and drown yourself, but I'm pretty sure that's exactly what has happened. (actually I probably shouldn't assign you that much nobility, you're high cause you wanna be. This is relapse number 11+ right?) I knew you had done this before. I lived through a cycle that lead you to jail. I knew how much you had let your family down, and I understood their frustration and their wariness. But in my vanity I really thought you'd do better by me. You were so convincing. I really thought you were going to stay sober.
We all have reason to be screwed up. IF you live long enough the list will probably keep on getting longer. But it's time to be a man. How many crutches does a man need? You have a support system. You know there are many many people that would do anything for you. Any number of people that have begged you to call them at 3am instead of going out and getting high. You know how much happier you've been when you've been sober and living a full life. You know how much shame you have for the past. Why? Why go back to it? Why start from scratch all over again? Why take the last two years and the trust you were able to gain back and throw it away?
I don't even think I want an explination anymore either. I know I'll hear from you in a few months. You'll be contrite and self deprecating. You'll say all the things I want to hear. You'll call my sister. You'll tell her how angry I am and how right I am to be angry. How you'll rebuild my trust. You'll be so convincing. And I am going to do everything I possibly can to not give a f**k by then.
This year you are not coming first. You are not getting my worry.
I wish you well... but for the first time I think I also wish you well away from me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: on top of the hill
Posts: 197
ihatethis,
Hello, I guess I'm not the only one at home alone tonight, lol!!! I just wanted to say I know all too well how you feel. It is so hard to deal with addiction, I've never lived through anything worse. I think it's all the uncertainty for one thing.
Nytepassion posted a couple of days ago to start looking for the good things and remember them before you go to bed. I've been trying to do this, and last night I slept pretty well for a change.
I think the holidays are very difficult. I know the things to tell you, like put the focus on yourself, take care of yourself, etc, but I also know there are times when that takes some serious effort.
All I can say is I truly do hope you have a happy new year, and your life takes a turn for the better.
My daughter came to see me tonight, she learned today that one of her close on line friends and 4 of her children were killed by a drunk driver. So, lets count our blessings, ok? I thank God that even though my kids dad has left all of us, my family that I do have is healthy and safe.My thoughts are with you, ((( ihatethis )))
Hello, I guess I'm not the only one at home alone tonight, lol!!! I just wanted to say I know all too well how you feel. It is so hard to deal with addiction, I've never lived through anything worse. I think it's all the uncertainty for one thing.
Nytepassion posted a couple of days ago to start looking for the good things and remember them before you go to bed. I've been trying to do this, and last night I slept pretty well for a change.
I think the holidays are very difficult. I know the things to tell you, like put the focus on yourself, take care of yourself, etc, but I also know there are times when that takes some serious effort.
All I can say is I truly do hope you have a happy new year, and your life takes a turn for the better.
My daughter came to see me tonight, she learned today that one of her close on line friends and 4 of her children were killed by a drunk driver. So, lets count our blessings, ok? I thank God that even though my kids dad has left all of us, my family that I do have is healthy and safe.My thoughts are with you, ((( ihatethis )))
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((ihatethis)))
Hopefully, early this year, you are going to change that nic of yours from ihatethis, to I LOVE THIS!, because, you are going to put YOU first, just like you wrote.
Maybe, think of what you want your life to be, in 1 year, 2 years, or even 5 years down the road. I'm sure you don't want to still be at this amusement park, riding the same ride over and over...
You have but one, short life, fill it full of happiness and love, because you deserve all that AND more.
Hugs sweetie,
Hopefully, early this year, you are going to change that nic of yours from ihatethis, to I LOVE THIS!, because, you are going to put YOU first, just like you wrote.
Maybe, think of what you want your life to be, in 1 year, 2 years, or even 5 years down the road. I'm sure you don't want to still be at this amusement park, riding the same ride over and over...
You have but one, short life, fill it full of happiness and love, because you deserve all that AND more.
Hugs sweetie,
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
This year you are not coming first. You are not getting my worry.
I wish you well... but for the first time I think I also wish you well away from me.
I wish you well... but for the first time I think I also wish you well away from me.
2008 can be a great year for us, if we choose for it to be. Another gift I got from Al Anon was the knowledge that I can start my day over anytime I want to. I don't have to HAVE a bad day anymore unless I choose to, let alone a bad YEAR.
I will link arms with you and we can put fingers in our ears and say LA LA LA LA I can't hear you when the As in our world start quacking at us.
HUGS
Cats
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