New Year and New Beginnings
New Year and New Beginnings
As you are now, I once was.
As I am now, so you shall be.
Take my hand, come walk with me.
Many of you come here with a gut wrenching attachment to an addict... a sibling, parent, significant other, spouse or child. You come here at the beginning, as I did, thinking you will find a way to get them better.. not realizing that the sick one is your own self.
Of course, we "can't" be sick can we? WE aren't doing drugs! WE are just trying to "help" someone to find their way back OFF DRUGS and back to LOVING us.
Well, we are sick. Like the Addict needing to decide, for themselves, that they need to get into recovery, codependents must make a decision to ent4er recovery as well.
A little over a year ago I came here having had a gut wrenching split with my BF. I had no idea he was an addict (until I found it out in his move out of my house)... but coming here taught me he is an addict and behaves like addicts do. I had a choice to weep myself to sleepevery night over his rejection of me OR I could figure out life without the gut wrencing and the serching for love from someone incapable of feeling love or giving love.
Today I am doing MUCH better. I have some anger and I am working on that. However, I am learning I had the anger long before XABF or any of this. It is a personal flaw learned from things I was exposed to as a child.
And, in the last year this is what I have learned:
1.) Addicts don't love you. They love getting high more than they love you or anything else. Getting high is what they live for. Period.
2.) CoDependents don't love either. The horrible emotional pain.. the obsession and the gut wrenching highs and lows of co dependent love is as much an addiction as the addicts attachment to drugs. Co dependents have done some pretty amazing and weird things.. we read about those things in the news all the time. Co dependents are addicted to the pain of loving people who cannot love them back. Co dependents are addicted to the euphoric highs they get when their addict returns their love (those rare moments in the relatiohnship). Co dependents are addicted to the euphoric lows when their addicts reject them or disappear to go spend quality time with their drug of choice.
Today I almost believe that co-dependent "love" is similar to people who bite their fingernials to the quick.. the pain of doing that releases endorphins (body's own pain killers) and you can get addicted to them. So yu bite your nail, cause pain, get a shot of endorphin and the cycle goes round. While I do not know that emotional pain releases endorphins, I DO know the gut wrenching lows of rejection and the euphoric highs when things are "going right" and how much those things can fill our lives and our minds.
In retrospect I NEVER want to feel ANY of that again. Love is neither euphoric or gut wrenching. It CAN be those things but usually is not. I describe love as much quieter. Real love is much less needful of attention and constant contact or surveillance and certainly can exist regardless of separation either by distance or by time.
A co dependent love is constantly needing reinforcement.. constant contact (he didn't call me today.. he must not love me anymore! is one I have felt and heard.. NOT healthy at ALL).
3.) Most of us cannot get better ourselves if the addict is around us on a day to day basis. The addict and their relationship with drugs is too chaotic and financially draining for use to maintain. Beyond that, the constant turmoil of our own co dependency is FED by the addict's behavior. So we dont' get better. We enable and they don't get better either.
4.) We must stop expecting our addicts to do things we want. They want to get high. That is what they want more than anything else. My experience was the ONLY way I could get anything I wanted in the relationship with an active addict was to provide a pay off or a bribe on some level. I had to give way more than I could ever get.. and the reason was active addicts love their high more than they love even themselves. You take a back seat to it all.
I have read here of people who live with acitive addicts and work their own recovery at the same time. I have nothing but respect for anyone who can do this. I could not and I venture to say most co dependents cannot.
This Holiday Time is the first one in YEARS I have not been in some sort of turmoil. I had my Christmas tree and my Cats and the dog and that wasw fine. I saw family and that was fine. I expected nothing and the reward of that alone was peace.
I am moving on with my life now. I am self reliant and content and it is SWEET. I have found myself to be pretty good comapny to go and do things I want to do. I have labeled myself as the "Saleslady of the Single Life!"
I look back at where I have been and I ma grateful for the lessons.. wish I had figured them out about 30 years before this, but at least I got 'em now.
Looking back at my path I know that with what I know today about myself.. about what I want.. I will never again walk those places and suffer such pain.. such roller coastering emotions.
And, as I am now, so you can be....
So take my hand and walk with me.. and with the other much wiser and stronger members of SR, AlAnon, NarAnon and other recovery programs.
You can do it. You have to decide it is what you want.
Isn't the New Year a great place to start a new beginning for YOU?
As I am now, so you shall be.
Take my hand, come walk with me.
Many of you come here with a gut wrenching attachment to an addict... a sibling, parent, significant other, spouse or child. You come here at the beginning, as I did, thinking you will find a way to get them better.. not realizing that the sick one is your own self.
Of course, we "can't" be sick can we? WE aren't doing drugs! WE are just trying to "help" someone to find their way back OFF DRUGS and back to LOVING us.
Well, we are sick. Like the Addict needing to decide, for themselves, that they need to get into recovery, codependents must make a decision to ent4er recovery as well.
A little over a year ago I came here having had a gut wrenching split with my BF. I had no idea he was an addict (until I found it out in his move out of my house)... but coming here taught me he is an addict and behaves like addicts do. I had a choice to weep myself to sleepevery night over his rejection of me OR I could figure out life without the gut wrencing and the serching for love from someone incapable of feeling love or giving love.
Today I am doing MUCH better. I have some anger and I am working on that. However, I am learning I had the anger long before XABF or any of this. It is a personal flaw learned from things I was exposed to as a child.
And, in the last year this is what I have learned:
1.) Addicts don't love you. They love getting high more than they love you or anything else. Getting high is what they live for. Period.
2.) CoDependents don't love either. The horrible emotional pain.. the obsession and the gut wrenching highs and lows of co dependent love is as much an addiction as the addicts attachment to drugs. Co dependents have done some pretty amazing and weird things.. we read about those things in the news all the time. Co dependents are addicted to the pain of loving people who cannot love them back. Co dependents are addicted to the euphoric highs they get when their addict returns their love (those rare moments in the relatiohnship). Co dependents are addicted to the euphoric lows when their addicts reject them or disappear to go spend quality time with their drug of choice.
Today I almost believe that co-dependent "love" is similar to people who bite their fingernials to the quick.. the pain of doing that releases endorphins (body's own pain killers) and you can get addicted to them. So yu bite your nail, cause pain, get a shot of endorphin and the cycle goes round. While I do not know that emotional pain releases endorphins, I DO know the gut wrenching lows of rejection and the euphoric highs when things are "going right" and how much those things can fill our lives and our minds.
In retrospect I NEVER want to feel ANY of that again. Love is neither euphoric or gut wrenching. It CAN be those things but usually is not. I describe love as much quieter. Real love is much less needful of attention and constant contact or surveillance and certainly can exist regardless of separation either by distance or by time.
A co dependent love is constantly needing reinforcement.. constant contact (he didn't call me today.. he must not love me anymore! is one I have felt and heard.. NOT healthy at ALL).
3.) Most of us cannot get better ourselves if the addict is around us on a day to day basis. The addict and their relationship with drugs is too chaotic and financially draining for use to maintain. Beyond that, the constant turmoil of our own co dependency is FED by the addict's behavior. So we dont' get better. We enable and they don't get better either.
4.) We must stop expecting our addicts to do things we want. They want to get high. That is what they want more than anything else. My experience was the ONLY way I could get anything I wanted in the relationship with an active addict was to provide a pay off or a bribe on some level. I had to give way more than I could ever get.. and the reason was active addicts love their high more than they love even themselves. You take a back seat to it all.
I have read here of people who live with acitive addicts and work their own recovery at the same time. I have nothing but respect for anyone who can do this. I could not and I venture to say most co dependents cannot.
This Holiday Time is the first one in YEARS I have not been in some sort of turmoil. I had my Christmas tree and my Cats and the dog and that wasw fine. I saw family and that was fine. I expected nothing and the reward of that alone was peace.
I am moving on with my life now. I am self reliant and content and it is SWEET. I have found myself to be pretty good comapny to go and do things I want to do. I have labeled myself as the "Saleslady of the Single Life!"
I look back at where I have been and I ma grateful for the lessons.. wish I had figured them out about 30 years before this, but at least I got 'em now.
Looking back at my path I know that with what I know today about myself.. about what I want.. I will never again walk those places and suffer such pain.. such roller coastering emotions.
And, as I am now, so you can be....
So take my hand and walk with me.. and with the other much wiser and stronger members of SR, AlAnon, NarAnon and other recovery programs.
You can do it. You have to decide it is what you want.
Isn't the New Year a great place to start a new beginning for YOU?
I loved what you said about how hard it is to get well while living with an addict. I often thought when my son was in rehab that it was more for me than him. I needed rest and time to heal while he was away. I do feel like a whole person now. happy new year, elana.
krhea
krhea
thanks to all.
2007 Now 2008
I am not always the easiets person to like. That is OK tho.. I know who I am. That being siad, this iw what I have sent to my Friends and family....
Welcome all to the New Year. I am not sure what to say.. perhaps this should have been in Christmas cards or Hanukah greetings.. I am not sure. It seems those holidays, while proximate to New Years should remain separate.
So, it is with this message, different from Christmas, I wish you all a Happy and Healthy New Year.
I think back to the ground I stood on in my life’s path a year ago and look at where I stand today and I can say that, without a single doubt, I am now in a better place. This time last year I was in the throes of sorrow over the loss of a man and a relationship neither of which deserved me.
This year I am in no such place. I am self reliant. I am the Captain of my own ship. It is a fine ship that, today, is sailing in a fair wind with the sails set to the royals. I direct it as best I can while knowing that the wind is at my back. The wind may turn but I am prepared. This ship is now well supplied and can better weather ill winds that may blow upon it. I rely on my God to help me find a good direction all the while knowing that I may face a head wind at any time. I am prepared and I am not alone. I will never be alone again.
I wax philosophical. It seems the past year has been one of great personal change. For those who never knew me as a child, perhaps it is. For me it is a return to my self as I was before I entered into marriage and the confusing compromise of relationships.
I have gone back to being the independent woman I used to be. I do not rely on others but I still need to learn how to find the courage and strength to ask for help and guidance when I need it. I do not follow my anger when it surfaces but I do need to know better how to let anger go. I am a work in progress.
I have dreams today that are like those I used to have. These dreams are tempered with reality and experience. I still want a ranch but today I am wise enough to realize that I may have to compromise that dream and alter it some to better fit with my aging body and future financial needs and limitations. It seems that forever I have wanted a horse and for years I had one or two.. three briefly. I am back to wanting a horse but this too is tempered with the reality of both finances and lack of a home place to keep one.
I am very pleased to have 4 good cats who have been with me through the wall of fire I would best describe as hell. Good aged and loving friends who know me well. I have a kitten who will be with me in the future and who is absorbing all that the cats already know. I have a really good dog, and there is nothing finer than a really good dog.
Yet, even as my dreams have been compromised, I still believe that one day I will be able to attain them. I am not alone in this journey. If I do not acquire these dreams I have complete faith I will acquire others. There may be dreams I gain that I have not even considered.
As 2007 comes to a close, I realize that life is very good. It is sweet even if it is not exactly what I had planned. It is mine and mine alone to manage and to enjoy. I have given myself, in 2007, a gift greater than all others. I have given myself the gift of confidence and peace overseen by faith and thanksgiving. I am grateful for you, my friends and family. I am not at the top but I am also not at the bottom.
I am doing OK which is a very fine place to be.
Best wishes to you all for a wonderful 2008.
I am not always the easiets person to like. That is OK tho.. I know who I am. That being siad, this iw what I have sent to my Friends and family....
Welcome all to the New Year. I am not sure what to say.. perhaps this should have been in Christmas cards or Hanukah greetings.. I am not sure. It seems those holidays, while proximate to New Years should remain separate.
So, it is with this message, different from Christmas, I wish you all a Happy and Healthy New Year.
I think back to the ground I stood on in my life’s path a year ago and look at where I stand today and I can say that, without a single doubt, I am now in a better place. This time last year I was in the throes of sorrow over the loss of a man and a relationship neither of which deserved me.
This year I am in no such place. I am self reliant. I am the Captain of my own ship. It is a fine ship that, today, is sailing in a fair wind with the sails set to the royals. I direct it as best I can while knowing that the wind is at my back. The wind may turn but I am prepared. This ship is now well supplied and can better weather ill winds that may blow upon it. I rely on my God to help me find a good direction all the while knowing that I may face a head wind at any time. I am prepared and I am not alone. I will never be alone again.
I wax philosophical. It seems the past year has been one of great personal change. For those who never knew me as a child, perhaps it is. For me it is a return to my self as I was before I entered into marriage and the confusing compromise of relationships.
I have gone back to being the independent woman I used to be. I do not rely on others but I still need to learn how to find the courage and strength to ask for help and guidance when I need it. I do not follow my anger when it surfaces but I do need to know better how to let anger go. I am a work in progress.
I have dreams today that are like those I used to have. These dreams are tempered with reality and experience. I still want a ranch but today I am wise enough to realize that I may have to compromise that dream and alter it some to better fit with my aging body and future financial needs and limitations. It seems that forever I have wanted a horse and for years I had one or two.. three briefly. I am back to wanting a horse but this too is tempered with the reality of both finances and lack of a home place to keep one.
I am very pleased to have 4 good cats who have been with me through the wall of fire I would best describe as hell. Good aged and loving friends who know me well. I have a kitten who will be with me in the future and who is absorbing all that the cats already know. I have a really good dog, and there is nothing finer than a really good dog.
Yet, even as my dreams have been compromised, I still believe that one day I will be able to attain them. I am not alone in this journey. If I do not acquire these dreams I have complete faith I will acquire others. There may be dreams I gain that I have not even considered.
As 2007 comes to a close, I realize that life is very good. It is sweet even if it is not exactly what I had planned. It is mine and mine alone to manage and to enjoy. I have given myself, in 2007, a gift greater than all others. I have given myself the gift of confidence and peace overseen by faith and thanksgiving. I am grateful for you, my friends and family. I am not at the top but I am also not at the bottom.
I am doing OK which is a very fine place to be.
Best wishes to you all for a wonderful 2008.
Excellent Elana!
I just finished moving all my money to a new bank account. I will now begin to dispute the last of the credit problems that my xah created. It has to be better than last year. Just pray it comes off my credit.
I just finished moving all my money to a new bank account. I will now begin to dispute the last of the credit problems that my xah created. It has to be better than last year. Just pray it comes off my credit.
Wonderful post, Elana, the New Year is always my time to take stock of where I have been and where I am headed and the lessons I have learned to help me on my way.
This was my second Christmas without my XAH, and this is what I found were my biggest lessons from this second phase.
One lesson was that actions that start in guilt, end in resentment. Big
lesson.
One lesson was that actions that induce guilt are not done out of love,
but out of manipulation and the need to control.....even if unknowingly.
Big lesson.
One lesson was that depression is just anger without enthusiasm. When I
am good and pissed it gives me the incentive to move forward. When the
crisis passes, I slump back into that state of miserable tolerance. ( I
always had to get angry before I could actually get up the nerve to do
anything positive. I am trying to learn to change before I have to
create a crisis. ) Big lesson.
One lesson was that sometimes love just isn't enough.....sad, but true.
And the biggest lesson was that I am the most important person in my
life. If I don't put myself first, nobody else will. I deserve to be
happy. I deserve to pursue a life that is productive while still being
gentle, safe and joyful. I deserve to live my life in a way that allows
me to love myself and feel good about my life. Huge lesson.
I love you guys.
Babs
This was my second Christmas without my XAH, and this is what I found were my biggest lessons from this second phase.
One lesson was that actions that start in guilt, end in resentment. Big
lesson.
One lesson was that actions that induce guilt are not done out of love,
but out of manipulation and the need to control.....even if unknowingly.
Big lesson.
One lesson was that depression is just anger without enthusiasm. When I
am good and pissed it gives me the incentive to move forward. When the
crisis passes, I slump back into that state of miserable tolerance. ( I
always had to get angry before I could actually get up the nerve to do
anything positive. I am trying to learn to change before I have to
create a crisis. ) Big lesson.
One lesson was that sometimes love just isn't enough.....sad, but true.
And the biggest lesson was that I am the most important person in my
life. If I don't put myself first, nobody else will. I deserve to be
happy. I deserve to pursue a life that is productive while still being
gentle, safe and joyful. I deserve to live my life in a way that allows
me to love myself and feel good about my life. Huge lesson.
I love you guys.
Babs
If we could love a person into sobriety and recovery it would certainly be a wonderful thing. We cannot. It has been tried and tried by about everyone on this forum and for sure it does not work.
This does not mean we don't love them, it merely means we need to know when and how to love them that is healthy for us on every level, including financially.
The journey of 1,000 miles begins, and ends, with a single step.
This does not mean we don't love them, it merely means we need to know when and how to love them that is healthy for us on every level, including financially.
The journey of 1,000 miles begins, and ends, with a single step.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
I usually post on F&F and acoa forums.
Just want to thank you all for sharing your recovery. These type of threads satisfy a need in me to see what recovery looks like. I want what you have.
I have been in recovery for 11yrs..I eliminated the influence of "users" at that time. Took me until this year to eliminate the toxic influence of dysfunctional "sober" people.
Now I am experiencing true peace and joy for the first time.
Thanks again,
Growing
Just want to thank you all for sharing your recovery. These type of threads satisfy a need in me to see what recovery looks like. I want what you have.
I have been in recovery for 11yrs..I eliminated the influence of "users" at that time. Took me until this year to eliminate the toxic influence of dysfunctional "sober" people.
Now I am experiencing true peace and joy for the first time.
Thanks again,
Growing
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