Question for A's and RA's.......
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Question for A's and RA's.......
If you are in a relationship.... what is your perception of how your s/o is handling all of this? .... and how are you handling how they are handling it? Do you hate them? Do you think that once you are clean ... there is too much water under the bridge and there is no going back? Do you blame them? Do you wish they would just mind their own business and accept you for who you are and all that you are capable or wanting to give? Do you wish they never existed or came into your life?
I have a now very recent XABF..... and I feel like the worst person.... while I have found out that I can't cure it... and I certainly cant control it..... but I really feel that I am the cause of it. If it wasn't for me loving him so much and seeing the good that he doesn't see .... I wouldn't be this constant reminder that makes him use... so that he can make money and provide and be a family man. I know that is totally unhealthy.. and I'm working on it.... but when he makes the decision to get better..... I think he will think how stupid and weak I am....... and for me to be strong I have to detach... and I am having such a hard time... I feel so weak. All I am doing is crying and thinking I just didn't do enough..... if I had done x... then y would have happened....... or if I would have done a... then b would have happened. I wasn't enough of a challenge for him..... I didn't play games.... I was very open and expressive in how I felt about him... it was too much. We were always pushing and pulling...
I thought we were soul mates.... I thought he loved me as much as I loved him... and now I'm totally doubting that he really did. How could he when he was living a double life. I realize he did it to protect me... I know that he didn't want to hurt me intentionally... but he must have such little respect for me.... and in turn... I have such little self respect. How is that someone who is so bright, knowledgeable, capable of knowing the difference..... is choosing such an ugly dark path? it's so much easier to stay away from drug abuse than to come out of it.....
Why would someone who uses drugs be involved with someone who doesn't? Wouldn't he rather have a girl friend that used with him? Who wouldn't get in his way and make him feel so horrible to the point that he would have to lie about doing it? I feel that if I had been cool and been able to just go with it.... none of this would have tail spinned out of control! He can lie about using .... but I can't lie about not being upset by his using. I'm not that strong. I can't handle lies... they are toxic.... and in turn.... our relationship became toxic. Or was it the drugs? The drugs created the lies! Right? Or was it me that did? Had I of been okay with it... he never would have had to lie.
One last question...... do you feel that bad feelings about your life is what led you to drug use? And now not having the drugs..... makes your life that much worse? Why did you choose to use to begin with? My guy says he did it to work and to drown all the bad thoughts he had about how is life is going. I honestly thought if I was a better person then I would help him have a controlled substance use to help him self medicate. He is so smart... and I think he really knows what he is doing....... problem though is that I don't think I can .... I will still have trust issues. He doesn't trust doctors... and therapists...... he thinks that he knows best. He hasn't seen a doctor in many years....
I know I'm going round and round with this. I am just so broken hearted and feel so sad that in order for me to heal myself I have to detach ... and I am so scared to. I shared so much of myself with him, more than I ever have with anyone else.
I told him that I am walking the walk with him on death row..... and he says that he has been walking that walk for years... even before drug use..... and that in the last few months there has not been a day where he doesn't play out how he is going to kill himself.... he hates himself and his life that much. He feels that he has done everything he has ever wanted in life... and that he has no purpose to live anymore........ but he loves me! How is that possible?
I'm so sorry this is so long.....
I have a now very recent XABF..... and I feel like the worst person.... while I have found out that I can't cure it... and I certainly cant control it..... but I really feel that I am the cause of it. If it wasn't for me loving him so much and seeing the good that he doesn't see .... I wouldn't be this constant reminder that makes him use... so that he can make money and provide and be a family man. I know that is totally unhealthy.. and I'm working on it.... but when he makes the decision to get better..... I think he will think how stupid and weak I am....... and for me to be strong I have to detach... and I am having such a hard time... I feel so weak. All I am doing is crying and thinking I just didn't do enough..... if I had done x... then y would have happened....... or if I would have done a... then b would have happened. I wasn't enough of a challenge for him..... I didn't play games.... I was very open and expressive in how I felt about him... it was too much. We were always pushing and pulling...
I thought we were soul mates.... I thought he loved me as much as I loved him... and now I'm totally doubting that he really did. How could he when he was living a double life. I realize he did it to protect me... I know that he didn't want to hurt me intentionally... but he must have such little respect for me.... and in turn... I have such little self respect. How is that someone who is so bright, knowledgeable, capable of knowing the difference..... is choosing such an ugly dark path? it's so much easier to stay away from drug abuse than to come out of it.....
Why would someone who uses drugs be involved with someone who doesn't? Wouldn't he rather have a girl friend that used with him? Who wouldn't get in his way and make him feel so horrible to the point that he would have to lie about doing it? I feel that if I had been cool and been able to just go with it.... none of this would have tail spinned out of control! He can lie about using .... but I can't lie about not being upset by his using. I'm not that strong. I can't handle lies... they are toxic.... and in turn.... our relationship became toxic. Or was it the drugs? The drugs created the lies! Right? Or was it me that did? Had I of been okay with it... he never would have had to lie.
One last question...... do you feel that bad feelings about your life is what led you to drug use? And now not having the drugs..... makes your life that much worse? Why did you choose to use to begin with? My guy says he did it to work and to drown all the bad thoughts he had about how is life is going. I honestly thought if I was a better person then I would help him have a controlled substance use to help him self medicate. He is so smart... and I think he really knows what he is doing....... problem though is that I don't think I can .... I will still have trust issues. He doesn't trust doctors... and therapists...... he thinks that he knows best. He hasn't seen a doctor in many years....
I know I'm going round and round with this. I am just so broken hearted and feel so sad that in order for me to heal myself I have to detach ... and I am so scared to. I shared so much of myself with him, more than I ever have with anyone else.
I told him that I am walking the walk with him on death row..... and he says that he has been walking that walk for years... even before drug use..... and that in the last few months there has not been a day where he doesn't play out how he is going to kill himself.... he hates himself and his life that much. He feels that he has done everything he has ever wanted in life... and that he has no purpose to live anymore........ but he loves me! How is that possible?
I'm so sorry this is so long.....
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Actually..... I don't even know if it's right that I'm asking the addicts and recovering addicts.... he doesn't think that he is an addict. He doesn't blame the drug use... he says he was feeling this way before he started drugs..... and that on drugs or not on drugs..... it's no different.
I am so confused.....
I am so confused.....
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
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It's what addicts think. They cannot see or think about their lives or how they feel without the drugs. And a lot of them took drugs because they were either depressed, bi-polar, suffering from one or other mental illnesses and decide to self-medicate or ease the pain by taking drugs.
It's a vicious circle but while they are active in their use, there is absolutely no talking logic to an addict. And they will hang onto what they believe is either that which causes their using or that which they believe keeps them alive while they are using. They cannot "see" what the reality is; only what they perceive as their reality.
You loving or not loving your addict or being or not being with your addict is not the cause of their using and not the reason they do not stop! Whatever they tell you, the real answer lies withing them but until they can "see" or feel that, they will continue on with what they are doing. You are NOT to blame for either thing - YOU didn't cause it and you are not the one keeping it going.
It makes no difference if you stay or don't stay; contrary to what you addict says. If an addict wants to get clean and sober, they will do it for themselves and themselves only. What matters here is what do YOU want? You need to be sure that you are not losing yourself in your helping save him. You cannot save, fix or control him or his behavior; you can only control how much it controls YOU.
Love and support can lead to hate and resentment if that path is travelled down too long. You cannot "expect" him to change to what you want; he will only do that for him and his expectations.
It's sad but most addicts live in the State of Denial for far too long and they have too many excuses and other things to blame for their using. They don't recognize the addiction and blame it for the downfall in their lives. Just don't let it become YOUR downfall too!
Hugs,
Marteen
It's a vicious circle but while they are active in their use, there is absolutely no talking logic to an addict. And they will hang onto what they believe is either that which causes their using or that which they believe keeps them alive while they are using. They cannot "see" what the reality is; only what they perceive as their reality.
You loving or not loving your addict or being or not being with your addict is not the cause of their using and not the reason they do not stop! Whatever they tell you, the real answer lies withing them but until they can "see" or feel that, they will continue on with what they are doing. You are NOT to blame for either thing - YOU didn't cause it and you are not the one keeping it going.
It makes no difference if you stay or don't stay; contrary to what you addict says. If an addict wants to get clean and sober, they will do it for themselves and themselves only. What matters here is what do YOU want? You need to be sure that you are not losing yourself in your helping save him. You cannot save, fix or control him or his behavior; you can only control how much it controls YOU.
Love and support can lead to hate and resentment if that path is travelled down too long. You cannot "expect" him to change to what you want; he will only do that for him and his expectations.
It's sad but most addicts live in the State of Denial for far too long and they have too many excuses and other things to blame for their using. They don't recognize the addiction and blame it for the downfall in their lives. Just don't let it become YOUR downfall too!
Hugs,
Marteen
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 138
Hey, I'm not trying to hijack your thread but I know exactly what you are feeling and I have alot of the same questions.
My AH IS a substance abuse counselor. When I met him, he had been clean for 10 years which is the only reason I considered dating him. I thought he had plenty of clean time under his belt. I have used some drugs recreationally when I was a teen or in my 20's but it just never impressed me and being the rational person I am, I knew it would be a waste of money.
Anyway, recently, after some surgery and a car accident, AH was given tons of pain meds. He gladly took them, knowing that he shouldn't, knowing he was an addict and knowing that if he got hooked again, he would loose his career, his family, his respect etc. It didn't matter I guess because he went from orally abusing them to shooting them up. When he ran out, he'd go get heroin until his new script could get filled. He was drinking too. I, very stupidly, bought every excuse he gave me cause "he knew what he was talking about after all, he was a professional counselor who was in group therapy for 6 freakin hours a day." Hook, line and sinker. I never thought he would lie to me. I never thought he would but us in a bad financial situation. I never thought he would do this with a little baby that he had always wanted (he's 45 and just had his first kid with me). I was so wrong, so hurt, so disgusted, so afraid. I would sleep with a fire extinguisher, purse and shoes next to my bed in case he nodded off while smoking and caught something on fire - I could bolt out the back door with the kids.
Anyway, after Thanksgiving he admitted that the opiates had got hold of him and he needed to get off them. He tried detoxing himself over the long weekend and ended up in a detox program the following Monday.
I've been giving him 2 pain pills 4 x a day as prescribed. It's not Oxycodon anymore, it's just vicoden and his counselor and doctor approved me giving it to him because he does have terrible arthritus but recently I got mad at him, threw the pill bottle at him and told him that he could do it himself. I didn't like being the regulator and it was causing friction. He PROMISED he would be responsible. That was this past Wends. night - there were 63 pills in that bottle. THis morning when I woke up, they were all gone. So far today he hasn't asked me where his new bottle is.
Here's what I don't get. He tells me it's not about the pills, the pills aren't the problem. He picked up his 30 day chip at an AA meeting the other night. It pissed me off. HE'S NOT CLEAN!!!
I don't understand it. I don't understand him. I don't know how he can go to meetings twice a day and taking pills. He walks the walk and talks the talk and it's all a lie. I don't know if I will ever ever trust him again and I don't know if I can live like this. By the way, he lost his job as a substance abuse counselor so he's unemployed and his boss has turned down his unemployment request. He wasn't reported as he should have been and lost his license so now he's taking a break for year (not part of the deal).
I thought I was marrying my soul mate, a professional who had his stuff together, was ready to settle down, etc. and it's all been a lie. I don't know how you get past it but I wish YOU the best of luck!!! I'm struggling....
My AH IS a substance abuse counselor. When I met him, he had been clean for 10 years which is the only reason I considered dating him. I thought he had plenty of clean time under his belt. I have used some drugs recreationally when I was a teen or in my 20's but it just never impressed me and being the rational person I am, I knew it would be a waste of money.
Anyway, recently, after some surgery and a car accident, AH was given tons of pain meds. He gladly took them, knowing that he shouldn't, knowing he was an addict and knowing that if he got hooked again, he would loose his career, his family, his respect etc. It didn't matter I guess because he went from orally abusing them to shooting them up. When he ran out, he'd go get heroin until his new script could get filled. He was drinking too. I, very stupidly, bought every excuse he gave me cause "he knew what he was talking about after all, he was a professional counselor who was in group therapy for 6 freakin hours a day." Hook, line and sinker. I never thought he would lie to me. I never thought he would but us in a bad financial situation. I never thought he would do this with a little baby that he had always wanted (he's 45 and just had his first kid with me). I was so wrong, so hurt, so disgusted, so afraid. I would sleep with a fire extinguisher, purse and shoes next to my bed in case he nodded off while smoking and caught something on fire - I could bolt out the back door with the kids.
Anyway, after Thanksgiving he admitted that the opiates had got hold of him and he needed to get off them. He tried detoxing himself over the long weekend and ended up in a detox program the following Monday.
I've been giving him 2 pain pills 4 x a day as prescribed. It's not Oxycodon anymore, it's just vicoden and his counselor and doctor approved me giving it to him because he does have terrible arthritus but recently I got mad at him, threw the pill bottle at him and told him that he could do it himself. I didn't like being the regulator and it was causing friction. He PROMISED he would be responsible. That was this past Wends. night - there were 63 pills in that bottle. THis morning when I woke up, they were all gone. So far today he hasn't asked me where his new bottle is.
Here's what I don't get. He tells me it's not about the pills, the pills aren't the problem. He picked up his 30 day chip at an AA meeting the other night. It pissed me off. HE'S NOT CLEAN!!!
I don't understand it. I don't understand him. I don't know how he can go to meetings twice a day and taking pills. He walks the walk and talks the talk and it's all a lie. I don't know if I will ever ever trust him again and I don't know if I can live like this. By the way, he lost his job as a substance abuse counselor so he's unemployed and his boss has turned down his unemployment request. He wasn't reported as he should have been and lost his license so now he's taking a break for year (not part of the deal).
I thought I was marrying my soul mate, a professional who had his stuff together, was ready to settle down, etc. and it's all been a lie. I don't know how you get past it but I wish YOU the best of luck!!! I'm struggling....
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I have to stop this....... I have to stop crying..... I have to stop hurting........ but I feel that the tears are like rain..... a cleanse.
But my youngest who is 7..... he heard me on the phone.... and he brought me a note.... and it said: "I don't think you are the worst person in the world. xoxoxo" (even used the apostrophe correctly)
That just breaks my heart even more. I feel like I am so unfit to be a good mother to them..... this has totally taken control over me. I am in such a horrible state. I literally have been crying non stop for days now.
If I had health insurance, I would get on anti-depressants to numb how I am feeling..... to escape if you will.
I was even offered coke from a co-worker several days ago...... and it actually seemed appealing (just so that I could stop hurting so badly)...... but I knew better!
I am not sleeping... I am not eating..... my whole world has turned upside down....... I had a clue and now I feel that it is totally gone.
It was easier when I was hating and faking it til' I made it.... but it just spiraled out of control and I'm such a lost soul.
Last night..... he sent me a text that seemed suicidal .... but it wasn't..... he was just really down and depressed. I called his parents ... and spent less than a minute on the phone so that his mother could call him. He called me and told me I was crazy and that he was going to get a restraining order against me and hung up on me. Then we talked again later for nearly 2 hours. All I could do was cry ... and try to rationalize it all like I have in the above posts. He said it was easier for him when I did hate him.... but the thing is.... I really didn't hate him...... I hate myself.... for who I have become..... I know better..... than THIS.
In one breath he is so done with life and then in the next he tells me that I was the only positive in his life.
I can only imagine what he tells his friends and family ....... he shared with a friend the text messages I had sent that were so hateful. So now his friends think I'm this psycho b!tch.... and that was 2 hours out of 18 months of such bad behavior. I wish I could take all of those back.... I feel so horrible about it.
How is this happening? How have I let it get so bad? So out of control?
But my youngest who is 7..... he heard me on the phone.... and he brought me a note.... and it said: "I don't think you are the worst person in the world. xoxoxo" (even used the apostrophe correctly)
That just breaks my heart even more. I feel like I am so unfit to be a good mother to them..... this has totally taken control over me. I am in such a horrible state. I literally have been crying non stop for days now.
If I had health insurance, I would get on anti-depressants to numb how I am feeling..... to escape if you will.
I was even offered coke from a co-worker several days ago...... and it actually seemed appealing (just so that I could stop hurting so badly)...... but I knew better!
I am not sleeping... I am not eating..... my whole world has turned upside down....... I had a clue and now I feel that it is totally gone.
It was easier when I was hating and faking it til' I made it.... but it just spiraled out of control and I'm such a lost soul.
Last night..... he sent me a text that seemed suicidal .... but it wasn't..... he was just really down and depressed. I called his parents ... and spent less than a minute on the phone so that his mother could call him. He called me and told me I was crazy and that he was going to get a restraining order against me and hung up on me. Then we talked again later for nearly 2 hours. All I could do was cry ... and try to rationalize it all like I have in the above posts. He said it was easier for him when I did hate him.... but the thing is.... I really didn't hate him...... I hate myself.... for who I have become..... I know better..... than THIS.
In one breath he is so done with life and then in the next he tells me that I was the only positive in his life.
I can only imagine what he tells his friends and family ....... he shared with a friend the text messages I had sent that were so hateful. So now his friends think I'm this psycho b!tch.... and that was 2 hours out of 18 months of such bad behavior. I wish I could take all of those back.... I feel so horrible about it.
How is this happening? How have I let it get so bad? So out of control?
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I can hear the pain that you are in....please know that I care and am keeping you in my prayers. I can promise you that you didn't cause it.....no way. There is nothing that you could have done differently - it's just the nature of the disease. Take a look at Nytepassions' latest post "I am an addict". That has more wisdom in it than I could ever hope to share.
Do you go to any Alanon or Naranon meetings? I've found that that was a necessity to be able to handle my relationship with my RAH. You're not crazy - you've just gotten mixed up in a crazy situation. It sounds like your 7 year old is worried about you and trying to take care of you. I don't mean to sound harsh but kids need us to help to make their world safe and secure. I figure that if it was just me then I could handle things however - with my kids involved my first responsibility is to them. And that means that I need to take care of me - not the other way around.
So sorry that you are having to walk down this very painful path. I will say again - you didn't cause this. And, you can't cure it. It only can come from within him.
Please do whatever you can to take care of yourself....seek answers about yourself because there is absolutely no understanding an addict - especially an active one.
You are in my prayers...Donna
Do you go to any Alanon or Naranon meetings? I've found that that was a necessity to be able to handle my relationship with my RAH. You're not crazy - you've just gotten mixed up in a crazy situation. It sounds like your 7 year old is worried about you and trying to take care of you. I don't mean to sound harsh but kids need us to help to make their world safe and secure. I figure that if it was just me then I could handle things however - with my kids involved my first responsibility is to them. And that means that I need to take care of me - not the other way around.
So sorry that you are having to walk down this very painful path. I will say again - you didn't cause this. And, you can't cure it. It only can come from within him.
Please do whatever you can to take care of yourself....seek answers about yourself because there is absolutely no understanding an addict - especially an active one.
You are in my prayers...Donna
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
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Even though my addict is my nearly 27 year old daughter is the addict in my life, as a mother it is devastating to discover that the child you nurtured, loved and protected thier whole life is an addict, who is destroying thier life and YOU are helpless to do anything about it. Talk about feeling like a hopeless, helpless, unfit and terrible mother. Those were my first thoughts. As I took those first steps of trying to do WHATEVER I could to help her or "save" her, I started sinking into my own hell world of despair. There was no one there to catch me, to thrown out a lifeline or to give me hope that the situation would get better. When the realization came to me that my daughter was lost and I could not save her and I could not bear the pain any longer, I started forumlating ways in which I could just "end it all". After all, what good was I?
I was fortunate enough to continue to try to find help for my daughter, not realizing that I was the one who needed it more. It was then that I stumbled upon SR. At first, I really thought the people here were "potty heads"; they didn't offer me solutions for my addict daughter, they threw out crazy nonsense of getting help for ME. What kind of place was this? I rejected those notions and left in search of a better place. I was fortunate to realize soon that there were no answers, no magical miracle solutions for my AD and no "fixes". For some reason, I realized that if I continued in the way I was, I would be no good for anyone, not even my AD.
It was then that I came back to SR and decided to take the advice of some very, very smart and wise people here; those who had been where I had been and more and found that the only answer lay within ME.
I cannot tell you enough that YOU have to take care of YOU. Even if you were to give the ultimate - your life, you would NOT make a difference. The addiction will not allow it and the only way your addict became an addict in the first place is because of an action by your addict. And it will take an action by him to change it. YOU need to do right by your children and take care of yourself. Your children deserve more and you owe that to them. You owe NOTHING to your addict. His choice was HIS choice.
Please believe when I tell you that one of the hardest things I have ever had to face as a mother was the fact that my daughter could very easily lose her life to the addictive behavior and I had to accept that fact! But I had to because there was not way I could stop it and there still isn't any way I could stop it if that is what she decided. You have to accept that, also. And that is NOT your fault any more than it is my fault. It is a fact when dealing with active addiction.
Your life will get better if you change the focus from your addict and concentrate it on YOU and your children. That choice is yours as much as getting sober is your addict's choice. Only YOU owe that to your children and yourself.
Hugs,
Marteen
I was fortunate enough to continue to try to find help for my daughter, not realizing that I was the one who needed it more. It was then that I stumbled upon SR. At first, I really thought the people here were "potty heads"; they didn't offer me solutions for my addict daughter, they threw out crazy nonsense of getting help for ME. What kind of place was this? I rejected those notions and left in search of a better place. I was fortunate to realize soon that there were no answers, no magical miracle solutions for my AD and no "fixes". For some reason, I realized that if I continued in the way I was, I would be no good for anyone, not even my AD.
It was then that I came back to SR and decided to take the advice of some very, very smart and wise people here; those who had been where I had been and more and found that the only answer lay within ME.
I cannot tell you enough that YOU have to take care of YOU. Even if you were to give the ultimate - your life, you would NOT make a difference. The addiction will not allow it and the only way your addict became an addict in the first place is because of an action by your addict. And it will take an action by him to change it. YOU need to do right by your children and take care of yourself. Your children deserve more and you owe that to them. You owe NOTHING to your addict. His choice was HIS choice.
Please believe when I tell you that one of the hardest things I have ever had to face as a mother was the fact that my daughter could very easily lose her life to the addictive behavior and I had to accept that fact! But I had to because there was not way I could stop it and there still isn't any way I could stop it if that is what she decided. You have to accept that, also. And that is NOT your fault any more than it is my fault. It is a fact when dealing with active addiction.
Your life will get better if you change the focus from your addict and concentrate it on YOU and your children. That choice is yours as much as getting sober is your addict's choice. Only YOU owe that to your children and yourself.
Hugs,
Marteen
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
I am a recovering addict who is married to a non-addict. When we met I was about 3 years clean. During our marriage, I had a one year relapse. I hid the whole relapse from him because I didn't want him to leave me. When I finally came back into recovery and told my husband I had been using, he felt very betrayed by my dishonesty. But, as an addict, what I wanted was to use drugs, get high, and keep him in my life without any hassles. I didn't want to hear him tell me to stop, or why I should stop, or what I was jeapardizing by using. I cared about him and loved him a great deal - but that had nothing to do with my drug use. The drugs and my addiction were a power greater than him and greater than me.
I started using as a teenager, and I continued using because I loved what drugs did to and for me - they made me feel OK about who I was. I hated myself as a kid and a teenager and when I was high, I felt like I could be somebody else who I liked better. I just liked the feeling they gave me. Finally, the consequences became so great I had to get honest about my disease and stop using in order to have a life.
The drugs stopped working.
So many years later, no longer feeling that terrible way about myself, I'm still an addict and I sometimes still wish I could get high again (I'm clean almost 4 years now). I will always have times that I miss that 'high' because my brain is wired that way - I'm an addict. I like to get high. I don't blame my husband in any way. My addiction is a disease I have which has nothing to do with him. He has learned that his love for me will not stop me from using if I choose to do so; he also knows nothing he does can cause me to use - its my disease. I had this disease before we met, and I will have it whether he is in my life or not in my life.
I think I chose to marry a non-addict because a)addicts have a lot of problems and I wanted somebody more stable and b)addicts in recovery can use at any time and I wanted something safer (more stable, again). He's actually told me, after 10 years of marriage and me being solidly clean again - that if he were to become single again for any reason, he would stear clear of all addicts!! He knows we addicts are highly risky since we can throw away everything for a 'feeling' of getting high. He's taking a huge risk throwing in his lot with me, you know?
At any rate, I hope the point I'm trying to make is getting thru at all - I feel I'm rambling a bit. What I'm trying to say is your S.O.'s addiction is wholly and completely his. You really didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. He doesnt' use because of you or in spite of you. he won't get or stay clean because of you or anything you do or don't do. You can't make him happy enough to not be an addict, because he already is one. If he wants to use and chooses to be with another usiing addict instead of you - you should let him go and say, "good riddance". If you choose to stay with him I strongly recommend you attend nar-anon or alanon so that you can take care of yourself. Likewise, my recovery belongs to me and it has nothing to do with my husband. I appreciate the fact that he makes it clear he will leave me if I use again. But I still know my recovery is my responsibility not his. You sound very enmeshed in his disease. You sound as if you may have lost yourself in this relationship.
I hope some of this was helpful for you.
I started using as a teenager, and I continued using because I loved what drugs did to and for me - they made me feel OK about who I was. I hated myself as a kid and a teenager and when I was high, I felt like I could be somebody else who I liked better. I just liked the feeling they gave me. Finally, the consequences became so great I had to get honest about my disease and stop using in order to have a life.
The drugs stopped working.
So many years later, no longer feeling that terrible way about myself, I'm still an addict and I sometimes still wish I could get high again (I'm clean almost 4 years now). I will always have times that I miss that 'high' because my brain is wired that way - I'm an addict. I like to get high. I don't blame my husband in any way. My addiction is a disease I have which has nothing to do with him. He has learned that his love for me will not stop me from using if I choose to do so; he also knows nothing he does can cause me to use - its my disease. I had this disease before we met, and I will have it whether he is in my life or not in my life.
I think I chose to marry a non-addict because a)addicts have a lot of problems and I wanted somebody more stable and b)addicts in recovery can use at any time and I wanted something safer (more stable, again). He's actually told me, after 10 years of marriage and me being solidly clean again - that if he were to become single again for any reason, he would stear clear of all addicts!! He knows we addicts are highly risky since we can throw away everything for a 'feeling' of getting high. He's taking a huge risk throwing in his lot with me, you know?
At any rate, I hope the point I'm trying to make is getting thru at all - I feel I'm rambling a bit. What I'm trying to say is your S.O.'s addiction is wholly and completely his. You really didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. He doesnt' use because of you or in spite of you. he won't get or stay clean because of you or anything you do or don't do. You can't make him happy enough to not be an addict, because he already is one. If he wants to use and chooses to be with another usiing addict instead of you - you should let him go and say, "good riddance". If you choose to stay with him I strongly recommend you attend nar-anon or alanon so that you can take care of yourself. Likewise, my recovery belongs to me and it has nothing to do with my husband. I appreciate the fact that he makes it clear he will leave me if I use again. But I still know my recovery is my responsibility not his. You sound very enmeshed in his disease. You sound as if you may have lost yourself in this relationship.
I hope some of this was helpful for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Dear Abundance - you sent me support and I'm going to try to send it to you. I am having a good clear day, as opposed to the other day. Here is what I learned during this morning's quiet time. My AH wants me to leave the house, it's too upsetting for him, etc. He cried and wailed last night that he needs me, he needs me to help him through this. Asking what he needs me to do, he needs me to be his wife, to be there for him, help him, but he's not even in any sort of recovery program. It's all about him and making him feel better now. Not once did he ask what I needed. This is the addict, I get it most of the time, but it's so hard in the moment. I stood there and listened over and over and over again last night, I listened while he told me I didn't care enough to help him, I listened when he said he thought when two people loved each other and got married they loved each other forever. Never mind that for years he has been uncommunicative, has not been supportive when I asked, has not been intimate with me for years, has not taken care of the love I had for him, etc. He still has the nerve to ask for more of what he needs. For the most part I stood my ground and told him that even if I agreed to stay his wife, it wouldn't fix him. It wouldn't fix his depression or addiction, etc. Not enough apparently, around and around we went - he said over and over in different ways, well if you don't want to be with me, etc. Who looks at porn every week? Who deadened himself with Codeine so much that he didn't participate in our marriage - just slept on the couch or in bed when he was home and not working or golfing? Who didn't care enough. In a weak moment I did say that I would try to leave today for the new year (I'm going to family anyway), but this morning I realized. This is my home too, I didn't just abandon this marriage because he was an addict, I finally said enough before I even knew about the drug problem. I finally stuck up for myself and said enough, I'm not giving anymore to a bottomless pit that is incapable of giving anything back. Marriage is a two-way street, and ours has rarely, if ever been that. I realize now that when I asked for the divorce I was so worried about him and how he would feel, etc. that I moved upstairs, I keep going away to family to give him space, etc. Gosh-darnnit, I should have booted his ass when I found the porn - I found the european pharmacy stuff at the same time but I didn't know at that time how serious it was as I didn't know about codeine or dosage or anything like that. Double - whammied. Your relationship is not just about him. You don't have the power or control to make him use, not use, happy or unhappy. You only have power and control over yourself. You are obviously a kind and loving person, remember that - do affirmations for yourself. You are worth it. You are everything you should be! A perfect you! There may be things you want to work on for yourself, and by all means you should, but you should never ever doubt, none of us should, that we are the best of us we can be! Hang in there, keep talking, keep listening and be good to yourself!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 92
You need to start NO CONTACT with him and your toxic relationship!!!!
Asap, I know where you are, I was just there! NO CONTACT, is the only way you are going to gain your sanity back.
I haven't read all of the above posts but this advice I know is genuine.
My ex said the same about, it would be easier to let go if I hated him and was mean to him and this was before I knew he was an addict but after I had already broke up with him. You are trying to rationalize with someone that can't be rationalized with!!!
He is an addict and logic is long gone, IMO.
Can you do this for you and for him?
No Contact at least try it for one week, Please!!!!
Asap, I know where you are, I was just there! NO CONTACT, is the only way you are going to gain your sanity back.
I haven't read all of the above posts but this advice I know is genuine.
try to rationalize it all like I have in the above posts. He said it was easier for him when I did hate him.
He is an addict and logic is long gone, IMO.
Can you do this for you and for him?
No Contact at least try it for one week, Please!!!!
Last edited by Stellargirl; 12-29-2007 at 08:51 PM.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
dear abundance,
your pain is so raw and your anguish so deep that it brings back to me physically much of the pain i have experienced loving an addict. it is a physical sensation, and breathing also becomes shallow. trauma lives in us for a long time.
support from others is coming through to you strong. hang onto it like a life boat. you are in stormy waters and during this time you need to hold on, continue to ask for help, and most importantly pray, constantly and earnestly, to your higher power to bear you up and to guide you.
something is unfolding....the story...your story, your addict's story....is unfolding, and no one here can presume to tell you how it should unfold or will unfold. what happens is in the hands of your higher power, of destiny. you are in many ways powerless over what will happen in this story of you and your beloved man.
your task is to pray for strength and for guidance and to simply feel your way to the next small step. you do not have to fix anything from the past. that's done and no one in your life is thinking about it as you are. it's done. let it go. your perception is distorted by grief. let it go. you are not responsible for what has occurred. you do not have that kind of power in this world over anyone's life. you are not the author of your addict's confusion or fears or depression, and you are not powerful enough to change the course of his life.
the future is in God's hands and He is nowhere near finished with your story or your addict's story. God's work in your relationship could take weeks, months, a year, longer.... it is in God's hands when the resolution comes. today the resolution has not come. your task is to feel your way through each day with some integrity, and to wait on God. even if you do not believe in God, perhaps you do believe there is a larger force working out the threads of our lives. you cannot manipulate this and you cannot change the timing of its unfolding.
your addict is unable to get well right now. that is clear. and it is for right now. tomorrow is a different day. what are you going to do to prepare yourself for the long haul? because it will be long. whether you stay with him or not, you have a road ahead of becoming educated about your situation and re-structuring your shattered life. no one can do the work ahead except you. you can keep busy doing that, while God works with your addict. it will be a long haul. but do not yet despair....the story is unfolding. it will take time. and it will bring you blessings you cannot now see nor imagine. but it will.
my son, now grown, once tried to make me feel better, too, when he was 7 and i was crying my eyes out from heartbreak. he brought me pieces of apple on a saucer. God bless our kind-hearted children. but what they really need to witness, after the normal crying is done, is an adult who does what it takes to get better. they need to see how an adult handles crisis and chaos and anguish. they need to see that we can make noble choices even when our world is crumbling and that we can live like survivors and not like victims. they need to see that we have an unshakable faith in a higher power guiding our lives. God has a plan for your relationship and your life and your addict's life and yes, your son's life.. let God work it.
give everything a lot of time. be ready for the long haul. God will be involved in every minute, and He, not you, will determine the course of events. your task is to see if you can trust a power greater than yourself.
much love.
your pain is so raw and your anguish so deep that it brings back to me physically much of the pain i have experienced loving an addict. it is a physical sensation, and breathing also becomes shallow. trauma lives in us for a long time.
support from others is coming through to you strong. hang onto it like a life boat. you are in stormy waters and during this time you need to hold on, continue to ask for help, and most importantly pray, constantly and earnestly, to your higher power to bear you up and to guide you.
something is unfolding....the story...your story, your addict's story....is unfolding, and no one here can presume to tell you how it should unfold or will unfold. what happens is in the hands of your higher power, of destiny. you are in many ways powerless over what will happen in this story of you and your beloved man.
your task is to pray for strength and for guidance and to simply feel your way to the next small step. you do not have to fix anything from the past. that's done and no one in your life is thinking about it as you are. it's done. let it go. your perception is distorted by grief. let it go. you are not responsible for what has occurred. you do not have that kind of power in this world over anyone's life. you are not the author of your addict's confusion or fears or depression, and you are not powerful enough to change the course of his life.
the future is in God's hands and He is nowhere near finished with your story or your addict's story. God's work in your relationship could take weeks, months, a year, longer.... it is in God's hands when the resolution comes. today the resolution has not come. your task is to feel your way through each day with some integrity, and to wait on God. even if you do not believe in God, perhaps you do believe there is a larger force working out the threads of our lives. you cannot manipulate this and you cannot change the timing of its unfolding.
your addict is unable to get well right now. that is clear. and it is for right now. tomorrow is a different day. what are you going to do to prepare yourself for the long haul? because it will be long. whether you stay with him or not, you have a road ahead of becoming educated about your situation and re-structuring your shattered life. no one can do the work ahead except you. you can keep busy doing that, while God works with your addict. it will be a long haul. but do not yet despair....the story is unfolding. it will take time. and it will bring you blessings you cannot now see nor imagine. but it will.
my son, now grown, once tried to make me feel better, too, when he was 7 and i was crying my eyes out from heartbreak. he brought me pieces of apple on a saucer. God bless our kind-hearted children. but what they really need to witness, after the normal crying is done, is an adult who does what it takes to get better. they need to see how an adult handles crisis and chaos and anguish. they need to see that we can make noble choices even when our world is crumbling and that we can live like survivors and not like victims. they need to see that we have an unshakable faith in a higher power guiding our lives. God has a plan for your relationship and your life and your addict's life and yes, your son's life.. let God work it.
give everything a lot of time. be ready for the long haul. God will be involved in every minute, and He, not you, will determine the course of events. your task is to see if you can trust a power greater than yourself.
much love.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
abundance,
i hope your day today is a little better than yesterday. i posted late last night and then was thinking about you when i woke up this morning. i want to thank you for your honest, from the gut sharing of your pain. it made me think about my own reactions to the behavior of the addict i love (who has withdrawn into no contact for 18 months now), and when i saw how you question yourself, what you did or did not say, what you did or did not do, that might have been the turning point for your addict and you, i saw myself. this was healing for me. reading your post, it was so clear to me that you are not to blame for anything that has happened or is happening, but in my own situation, i can make myself sick with "if only i had said...." if only i had not done...."
you called out to RA's and A's and i hope you hear from more of them today. they will be the ones with the best counsel for you. i just want you to know that you helped me, in mirroring for me my own situation. i am finally coming to realize that when i begin to blame myself for the crisis in my relationship with my missing addict because i should have said this or done that to prevent his running (and he has 10 years--or had, not sure--recovery), then it is a clear sign that i have also been poisoned by addiction. addiction wants everything to be blamed except itself. as long as we are distracted by placing blame or assuming blame for the terrible chaos in our relationships, then we are feeding the addiction. it only works when everyone thinks it is not the problem. it is the problem. the crisis is the symptom.
today i re-surrender. i am powerless over it. i wait to see what's next.
do be kind to yourself, please. and have a better day.
i hope your day today is a little better than yesterday. i posted late last night and then was thinking about you when i woke up this morning. i want to thank you for your honest, from the gut sharing of your pain. it made me think about my own reactions to the behavior of the addict i love (who has withdrawn into no contact for 18 months now), and when i saw how you question yourself, what you did or did not say, what you did or did not do, that might have been the turning point for your addict and you, i saw myself. this was healing for me. reading your post, it was so clear to me that you are not to blame for anything that has happened or is happening, but in my own situation, i can make myself sick with "if only i had said...." if only i had not done...."
you called out to RA's and A's and i hope you hear from more of them today. they will be the ones with the best counsel for you. i just want you to know that you helped me, in mirroring for me my own situation. i am finally coming to realize that when i begin to blame myself for the crisis in my relationship with my missing addict because i should have said this or done that to prevent his running (and he has 10 years--or had, not sure--recovery), then it is a clear sign that i have also been poisoned by addiction. addiction wants everything to be blamed except itself. as long as we are distracted by placing blame or assuming blame for the terrible chaos in our relationships, then we are feeding the addiction. it only works when everyone thinks it is not the problem. it is the problem. the crisis is the symptom.
today i re-surrender. i am powerless over it. i wait to see what's next.
do be kind to yourself, please. and have a better day.
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