Abundance

Is that basically Naranon/ Alanon?

I'm reading on here that is the best ........ but I am confused..... because if they don't feel love..... then what will they think is the point? If there is no love to come home to?

Spiritual Seeker

Don't confuse LOVE with detachment.
We do love our kids.

sleepygoat

To me, tough love just means, stop enabling them to keep using, never stop loving and caring.

CatsPajamas

For me, tough love is about stepping back and giving my loved one his dignity back. It means (1) I set boundaries about what I will and will not allow or tolerate in my life and (2) I give him the dignity to make his own choices and to live with his consequences without my help or interference.

Tough love says
I love you so much that I am not going to bail you out of jail.
I love you so much that I will not pay your bills, call your boss, reinstate your phone, pay your car insurance, get your car out of impound etc.
I love you so much that I am not going to allow you to live here if you don't have a job and contribute to the household expenses.
I love you so much that I will help you with rehab once if you tell me you're ready. Once. After that, I will support your rehab efforts but NOT financially

My boundaries say:

I will not remain in a conversation with someone who is yelling at me. (this is different from "you can't yell at me". My boundary is what I will or will not do, not someone else)

I will not allow drugs in my home or on my property. (Again, this doesn't say "you can't do drugs" it says I won't allow it in MY home or on my property. It's about choices. If you choose to use, you're going to have to do it somewhere else.)

I will not allow anyone who has been drinking to drive my car.

It's called Tough Love for a reason... because it's TOUGH to do! I want to protect my friends and family. I want to keep them from harm. I want them to be safe and happy and healthy with a good education and a good job. BUT those are the things that I want for other people. It may not be how their life is going to unfold.

marle

I don't think of what I am doing as tough love. My daughter is an addict and with her addiction comes some very damaging ways of dealing with the world. I am not an addict and so the way I approach the world is very different from the way she does. If you are in a relationship with someone there are certain expectations that are usually met. Those expectations include respect, trust, reliability and the other person considering your best interests. Addicts cannot meet the normal expectations in a relationship. So rather than put my self at risk, I choose to limit the amount of damage that I am willing to subject myself to in a relationship with my daughter. That does not mean I don't love her. It means right now she does not love herself. Her whole goal in life right now is to numb herself. When she does that she can't possibly know how she is affecting me and for the most part she does not care. She just wants to get high. So I keep my distance and my boundaries. She absolutely knows that I love her. She absolutely knows that I want her to be clean and healthy. She absolutely knows that I can't fix her and that I won't continue to enable her addiction. The tough part of it is the pain that I must feel to hold strong to my boundaries. No one is doing the addict a favor by continuing to let themselves be used for the purpose of the addict continuing their addiction. If I don't get myself healthy then I am no good to my daughter should she ever want to get clean. So I work on myself, I keep my distance and I read, learn and take care of me. Not tough love, just love. Hugs, Marle

marteen

I love my addict daughter; always did and always will.

I hate the addiction and the addictive behavior; always did and always will.

Her active drug using means we detach and let her make those choices but she can't bring them to us. I want no part of them and since I can't control that choice for her, she makes that choice for herself.

Now that we are taking baby steps to rebuild a relationship with what is "behaving" like a clean daughter, she tells us that she always knew we loved her but until she could love herself and have something to fight for, she couldn't come home.

We can love but we also deserve respect and a life that we choose. We all have choices. Love will not change or alter addiction; only the addict can do that for so many other reasons than love. It doesn't mean we have to stop loving them but because I love my daughter, I know she was capable of more than addictive behavior and would not stoop low enough to let that addiction bring us all down. How could she ever stand on her own two feet if we didn't stand on ours? Anyway, that is my take on it. At least my AD knows that I have boundaries of behavior that I have and will enforce for her and us. I have to in order to maintain my sanity.

Hugs,
Marteen

pjbs55

I took the tough love approach. I made my RAS leave my home while he was active. I told him I love him but couldn't take it anymore. Did I stop loving him, NO, I never could, but I had to do something for me, since I was as sick as he was. I would do anything for either of my children, and still would.
I have not seen either of them in 2/4 years. My daughter is not an A, but we had issues. Do I love them? YES Will I always Love them? YES I would do anything to see them and hold them, but at this time it is not meant to be. When my HP and theirs think it is time for us to be together it will happen.
Tough love does not mean you don't love them, it means things have to change. My son got clean after I took that approach, yes he relapsed but is clean now for over a year.
Even if you don't take the tough love way you have to love with detachment for your own sanity.
Hugs to you

Stellargirl

Thank you Marle!
Thats exactly what I need to hear right at this moment.

I think I am finally make headway as far, being there if he wants help but thats all. Even that I am not sure I want to do, be involved with him after all the hurt he has put me through.

Sorry to steal your thread Abundance, needed to get that out.