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Old 12-27-2007, 05:20 PM
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I apologize. . .

I apologize for not wishing every one a Merry Christmas but I hope you all have a Happy New Year that brings you to new places and greater happiness.

I of course spent my Christmas with my GF who is still doing very well in her recovery. Unfortunately, she just called to tell me that she and her mom had a huge fight over a letter I wrote her mother.

Her mother is an ordained minister. She's also bipolar and refuses to get treatment because she refuses to believe she's sick. Over the years I have witnessed my GF's mother outbursts of anger, swearing, and yelling at any one who lives in her household and in particular, she's always humiliating and riciduling her daughter especially in front of company.

Naturally this hurts my GF and she really falls into deep depression after her mother has yelled and screamed at her and made her feel worthless. So I wrote a letter to her mother on her behalf. I felt it right because I love the both of them and would like to see them with a better relationship and plus her mom and I have always been open with each other.

Anyway, I made sure to remain objective in what I wrote and tried to state both sides of their story but in particular I told her mom that as a minister of God she has to learn to be more forgiving and patient and understanding of the things that go on around her. Well, she blew the letter out of proportion and took it out on my GF calling her worthless, fat, lazy, etc. She told her daughter that I crossed the line and basically needed to mind my own business. And now she's kicked her out of the house.

My GF's uncle said she could stay with him until she could find a place of her own but I just find this whole situation frustrating and I had no idea that her mother could be so mean-spirited and hurtful. The one thing that I do know because I hear it often is how much my GF wants her mother's love and respect and approval but I've tried to explain to her that she may just have to live with the fact that her mother is bullheaded and believes she can do no wrong.

I didn't mean to go into all of this but it's just fresh on my mind and I needed to put it somewhere. I have no doubt that my GF will come out of this okay so long as I'm by her side. As for her mother, I know that only a Higher Power can save her but it's so disturbing to know she preaches the word of God but doesn't choose to live by it.

Anyway, happy holidays again and I'll check back later

Last edited by newblue82; 12-27-2007 at 05:22 PM. Reason: grammar
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Old 12-27-2007, 05:28 PM
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Happy Holidays NewBlue!

It may be cause I'm a tad OLD, but somewhere along the line, even though I really, really, want to say what's on my mind, I duct tape it, and keep it to myself.

(only because I've gotten into some big, bad trouble trying to fix what I thought was a wrong)

Hugs to you, and hope it all blows over.
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Old 12-27-2007, 05:59 PM
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Yup, duct tape is now my best friend. Don't put yourself in the middle. I have found that it is not a very comfortable place to be. Of course it took me years to learn that lesson Glad that your girlfriend is doing so well. And Happy New Year to you too. Hugs, Marle
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Old 12-27-2007, 06:44 PM
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NewBlue,
I sure agree, from personal experience, with Moose & Marle. It does seem that you would be able to reason with people, especially those you feel close to, but it almost never works. Your heart was in the right place, but when we touch a nerve where someone feels guilty already for something, they turn on us in visciousness. Maybe she'll think about it all over time and reconsider. But I wouldn't hold my breath in expectation. This is one of those things that we are powerless over and it's best just to accept how she is until she decides to change it for herself. You know that you were right in what you said to her and you had an honorable motive, but now it's time to back out of the middle and just build your GF up with encouragment yourself, as much as possible. Focus on her life and yours. That's just my opinion from my experiences. I am sorry that you are also having to learn this the hard way. Next time you're in a situation like this, you too will remember to just go out and buy some duct tape. LOL !!!!
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Old 12-27-2007, 06:58 PM
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Oh me too, trying to "fix" someone else's relationship will always backfire and set us on our petuties.

Some things are just not ours to fix.

Reminds me of the prayer...Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

Hugs
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Old 12-27-2007, 07:36 PM
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Duct tape! hahaha I'll keep that in mind. I'm not really worried with her mom being upset with me because I stop letting her get to me a long time ago. I am more concerned with how my GF is taking all this and like you all said, I should focus on her. I don't think I want to try and reconcile with her mother because I cannot be friends with someone I can't respect and hypocritical. I certainly won't try to "fix" things anymore. But I do pray that some day she'll see the error in her ways for her and her daughter's sake. Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it
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Old 12-27-2007, 07:50 PM
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I would video tape the rampage and show it to mom, then confront her with it. How can a minister, who is supposed to help and support people be so hateful with the most important people in her life?
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Old 12-28-2007, 04:00 PM
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You know I hadn't even considered videotaping her. Nothing like staring the truth right in the face and it really is such an ugly thing to see. What really irritates me about her is she has an excuse for every reason why she's pitching a fit. She's a diabetic and has an overly-active thyroid and she's always blaming her outbursts on her "sickness" but it's my understanding that she's been like this long before she became a diabetic.

What I find surprising is how close-minded she is to trying to make a change for the better. She of all people should know that God works through people and you never know when He's sent a message especially for you to make a positive change. That's why I think when you know you're hearing good, honest advice you should try to open your mind and heart to it.

Videotaping her is something I'll seriously consider though. That is, if she'll ever let me that close again, LOL! At this point I think she thinks I'm the anti-christ! She actually blames me for breaking up her family. I didn't tell her to kick her daughter out; she did that on her own. I'm convinced she's delusional!

Last edited by newblue82; 12-28-2007 at 04:02 PM. Reason: grammar
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Old 12-28-2007, 05:04 PM
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Video taping her may sound good, but I would really think hard and long about doing that to someone. You know that everyone has acted in ways that they would just shudder to see for themselves. I know that unfortunately I have too and if anyone did that to me, I don't really see how anything good could come of it. She's a grown up person and I'm sure she really knows what she's doing but doesn't choose to or doesn't have enough self control, to change. I really feel that you might hurt your girlfrend alot more if you were to humiliate her Mom that way, right or wrong. Just something to think about. Back to concentrating on your own life and how much you care for her. Just my own humble opinion.
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Old 12-28-2007, 07:07 PM
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I can understand your point Nina but there's something in me that what's to humiliate her like she does the rest of us. It seems so unfair to me that she feels she has the right to brutalize people with no fear of retaliation. As for hurting my GF, well I'm not so sure. Really and truly I think she's reached her limit with her mom's antics. There's only so much mental and emotional abuse a person can take and that's exactly what's going on here. Her mother is mentally and emotionally abusive. This may sound harsh but I've told my GF on many occasions that the best thing she can do for herself is disconnect with her mother. Like what you all have said and I know, her mom's well aware of her behavior and "chooses" to continue it because she's gotten away with it for so long. I won't say videotaping her isn't an option but I would of course discuss it with my GF first. I appreciate you giving me another point of view.
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Old 12-28-2007, 10:10 PM
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Jujubees work really well too - they help me keep my mouth busy so I don't say something I probably shouldn't say!

Come to think of it, I think I am running low, and I have some opportunities coming up. I'd best stock up.

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Old 12-29-2007, 12:58 AM
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The trouble with telling people the plain, hard truth about themselves is that they are almost always clueless and choose to stay that way. So its par for the course that she blew a gasket. blaming her daughter shows that she didn't listen to a word you had to say. IMO, the clergy are some of the most hypocritical of all, so no surprise there. As for you, well you tried and your motives were good (to help your GF) but now you know - you are powerless over her mother. She is also powerless over her mother. Probably a good thing she is no longer living in such a negative environment. Now you both have to let go and live your own lives.
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Old 12-29-2007, 03:34 AM
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i think i would let it go & let God. some things should just be left alone. that is my opinion & i am sticking to it.
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Old 12-29-2007, 03:16 PM
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Let go and let God has always been my motto. This woman preaches the word of God and I'm still waiting for Him to step in and knock some Hail Mary into her. . .LOL! I HAVE chosen to just ignore her and stay away as has my GF.

Now she keeps calling me and blowing up my voicemail consistently blaming me for "breaking up her family". I'm ignoring her calls and just deleting her voicemails. I don't respond. But now she's just picking at me to make me crack and rant at her. She seems to thrive off of arguing. I'm reaching my breaking point. I'm trying to ignore her but she's pushing me.

Now what do you suggest to that?
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Old 12-29-2007, 04:01 PM
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IMO, I would absolutely refuse to lower myself to her depths.

By being the adult here, (that would be you) you are in fact teaching her how you want to be treated.

By responding to her vicious, small minded, attacks on you, you would then be putting yourself back in her grips.

Put her on ignore, and live your life the way you see fit.


Let her and her H.P. who she is supposedly so close to..(bit of sarcasm there) work it out. It really has nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong as far as I see it.

Hugs, and peace.
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