to parents of adult users.........would like your thoughts please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
to parents of adult users.........would like your thoughts please
Friends,
Once again my adult son (age over 30) is back in rehab . for six months or more. He was willing to go and I feel his health was slowly going downhill. Two weeks prior (he and his wife are seperated) he had failed a hair sample test. If he had passed it his wife would have considered letting him come home...however, it was not to be. He of course, declared that the test was wrong.......offering to get another test from his family physician but (isn't it always the way?) his story was he "didn't have his insurance card" so the dr. wouldn't give him the test. Of course that wasn't the truth.
There's lots more info. but suffice it to say he was offered a chance to go to rehab and took it. This means that we will not only pay for private treatment, but we will have to pay on some of his outstanding bills so that his wife's paycheck will not be garnished. We will also have to continue to COBRA his insurance because no one else would insure him at this point due to his history of addiction. We also are assisting in helping the daughter-in-law financially because there is no way she and my grandson can make it without our assistance. So you can see my plate is pretty full. I have borrowed against my inheritance in order to make this happen. So that's the background. I'd appreciate the answers to a few questions:
1. The counselor of the facility called and said my son needed $$$ for
cigarettes. He said it was hard to beat two addicitions at once so
if I could send a little $$$ (to buy them)which would be placed on an account it
would help. Well, I sort of saw red (for some reason) with that
request. I am thinking I am paying for so much right now and now
he wants cigarettes.......well, tough!! So is that an unreasonable
request? Did I overreact? And by the way, I have been kept in the
dark for so long I never knew he smoked cigarettes much less crack.
And evidently this has been going on for a looong time!
2. When he completes this six months or longer he will have no home,
no job, no car. He knows his wife will not let him come back home.
She is going to divorce him in three months. So ,this program he is enrolled in has
no halfway house, nothing other than wishing you well when you leave
the program. So how can I research and find a reputable halfway house
in case I need one? I have no clue how to go about it. But I do know
he needs a game plan and coming home to the streets or a shelter isn't
going to work for him.
3. I want to know if there are any parents out there who feel at
some point "enough is enough" and they accept that their love
is not going to be returned by their addictive adult child. I am
ashamed to say it but I am at the point that I pretty much am
wrung out and don't have a lot more to give. I feel like a darn mop
but I don't have a choice if I am offering him a chance to get well.
And I can't let my grandson go without . He didn't ask to be born into this.
And I will say my son has never acted humble or said he was sorry for
any of this. The closest he has come is to say he has had bouts of
shame and guilt and he has thanked us in the past for not giving up on him.
He finished six mos. of sobriety last May and lasted seven weeks on the outside. So he tried it six mos. his way and couldn't do it so now we are at rehab once again back to square one. So if you've got any advice or encouragement I am definitely in need of it. thank you in advance. dixie
Once again my adult son (age over 30) is back in rehab . for six months or more. He was willing to go and I feel his health was slowly going downhill. Two weeks prior (he and his wife are seperated) he had failed a hair sample test. If he had passed it his wife would have considered letting him come home...however, it was not to be. He of course, declared that the test was wrong.......offering to get another test from his family physician but (isn't it always the way?) his story was he "didn't have his insurance card" so the dr. wouldn't give him the test. Of course that wasn't the truth.
There's lots more info. but suffice it to say he was offered a chance to go to rehab and took it. This means that we will not only pay for private treatment, but we will have to pay on some of his outstanding bills so that his wife's paycheck will not be garnished. We will also have to continue to COBRA his insurance because no one else would insure him at this point due to his history of addiction. We also are assisting in helping the daughter-in-law financially because there is no way she and my grandson can make it without our assistance. So you can see my plate is pretty full. I have borrowed against my inheritance in order to make this happen. So that's the background. I'd appreciate the answers to a few questions:
1. The counselor of the facility called and said my son needed $$$ for
cigarettes. He said it was hard to beat two addicitions at once so
if I could send a little $$$ (to buy them)which would be placed on an account it
would help. Well, I sort of saw red (for some reason) with that
request. I am thinking I am paying for so much right now and now
he wants cigarettes.......well, tough!! So is that an unreasonable
request? Did I overreact? And by the way, I have been kept in the
dark for so long I never knew he smoked cigarettes much less crack.
And evidently this has been going on for a looong time!
2. When he completes this six months or longer he will have no home,
no job, no car. He knows his wife will not let him come back home.
She is going to divorce him in three months. So ,this program he is enrolled in has
no halfway house, nothing other than wishing you well when you leave
the program. So how can I research and find a reputable halfway house
in case I need one? I have no clue how to go about it. But I do know
he needs a game plan and coming home to the streets or a shelter isn't
going to work for him.
3. I want to know if there are any parents out there who feel at
some point "enough is enough" and they accept that their love
is not going to be returned by their addictive adult child. I am
ashamed to say it but I am at the point that I pretty much am
wrung out and don't have a lot more to give. I feel like a darn mop
but I don't have a choice if I am offering him a chance to get well.
And I can't let my grandson go without . He didn't ask to be born into this.
And I will say my son has never acted humble or said he was sorry for
any of this. The closest he has come is to say he has had bouts of
shame and guilt and he has thanked us in the past for not giving up on him.
He finished six mos. of sobriety last May and lasted seven weeks on the outside. So he tried it six mos. his way and couldn't do it so now we are at rehab once again back to square one. So if you've got any advice or encouragement I am definitely in need of it. thank you in advance. dixie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
You have to quit giving him a soft place to land. He won't get well until he wants do, no matter how much you want him to! I say this because I did the same thing you are doing, and the same thing happened, she would get better, go back to drugs, and they cycle continues.
He is 30 years old. Will you be doing this when he is 40? 50? what happens when the $$ runs out? THere are many, many programs that YOU wont have to pay for, treatment, rehab, 1/2 way houses etc. If you continue with what you are doing, nothing will change. My AD's counselor, clean 26 years, told me I was helping to kill her, could I live with that???? I changed my ways very quickly!:atv
I know this sounds harsh, but it is the truth. It is hard as hell and goes against every thing a mother thinks, but I have seen it work time after time in my home group and through testiomonies. Nothing changes if nothing changes.....
I don't know where you are, but if you'd like some help w/ resourses, counseling for you and son, etc. PM me.
All of the above said because I don't ever want any parent to hurt and live through the hell I did when there is help within our reach!
Hugs & prayers
susan
:ghug
He is 30 years old. Will you be doing this when he is 40? 50? what happens when the $$ runs out? THere are many, many programs that YOU wont have to pay for, treatment, rehab, 1/2 way houses etc. If you continue with what you are doing, nothing will change. My AD's counselor, clean 26 years, told me I was helping to kill her, could I live with that???? I changed my ways very quickly!:atv
I know this sounds harsh, but it is the truth. It is hard as hell and goes against every thing a mother thinks, but I have seen it work time after time in my home group and through testiomonies. Nothing changes if nothing changes.....
I don't know where you are, but if you'd like some help w/ resourses, counseling for you and son, etc. PM me.
All of the above said because I don't ever want any parent to hurt and live through the hell I did when there is help within our reach!
Hugs & prayers
susan
:ghug
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((dixied)))
Good grief, how sad is all this?
My heart hurts for you, and you're right, your plate is pretty full. BUT, INHO, there comes a day when we HAVE to stop. Our oldest son is 34, and still using, but I have no control over that.
I do have a list of free rehabs by the phone, which includes the Salvation Army, if he should call and ask for my help.
What I think, which may be wrong is...you can help out your DIL, and grandson, but leave your hands off the addict.
Are her parents pitching in? Or do you feel responsible, (which you shouldn't) because it's your son?
Why can't he go to a free Rehab?
And, here's a terrible thought...but reality. What exactly would happen to your son, and his family if something happened to you?
He would find his own way.
Sometimes, we have to stand back, and just let it be, and have faith.
Hugs from one mom to another.........
Good grief, how sad is all this?
My heart hurts for you, and you're right, your plate is pretty full. BUT, INHO, there comes a day when we HAVE to stop. Our oldest son is 34, and still using, but I have no control over that.
I do have a list of free rehabs by the phone, which includes the Salvation Army, if he should call and ask for my help.
What I think, which may be wrong is...you can help out your DIL, and grandson, but leave your hands off the addict.
Are her parents pitching in? Or do you feel responsible, (which you shouldn't) because it's your son?
Why can't he go to a free Rehab?
And, here's a terrible thought...but reality. What exactly would happen to your son, and his family if something happened to you?
He would find his own way.
Sometimes, we have to stand back, and just let it be, and have faith.
Hugs from one mom to another.........
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: on to bigger & better things
Posts: 4,122
I am a recovering addict/alcoholic.......I've been to treatment 7 times, once my insurance paid, the rest were community based, indigent, scholarship, freebie, low monthly payment type programs. My folks did NOT ever pay for treatment for me. As far as you finding the halfway house.....NOPE, my suggestion is don't do that either.....there should be resources his counselors at treatment can suggest to him. Let him do the checking into that. Just be firm about he can NOT come stay with you....
Hugs & love....BTW, it took 20 yrs for me to have these 10 yrs clean & sober that I have now!!!!!!
Hugs & love....BTW, it took 20 yrs for me to have these 10 yrs clean & sober that I have now!!!!!!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hey Dixied (((BigHugs))) .... you are not alone in this. Lots of moms on this board.
Both my kids are addicts - daughter is 21 and sober, son is 23 and not.
Both attended Oxford houses following their rehabs. Son was successful for 18 months. Daughter made it about 6 weeks.
Daughter did a total of 4 rehabs... and a recovery house and an Oxford House. Son did one rehab and one Oxford house.
It takes what it takes... there is no predicting "when" or even "how long" they will get/stay sober.
The night before my daughter got clean, she used...it was a terrible relapse that hurt me very much. Nothing I said, nothing I did, nothing at ALL could reach through those dead eyes. She had made her decision and even if I COULD have physically restrained her... eventually she was going back to the drug house. But you know what? It was her last time - except I never knew it. There were no signs, her sobriety came out of the blue, in her own time for her own reasons. Not mine.
My kids never stopped loving me. They never will.
Their addiction hated me. Their addiction hated my boundaries and did everything in its power to manipulate and force their way around them. But they never stopped loving me... nor me loving them.
Our kids are still in there - no matter how buried in the active addiction. I keep them separate from the addiction... and that is why I believe that:
What we do is not who we are.
There was a mom at my kids first rehab. My kid was 17 and so full of herself. This other mom had a newly sober daughter in tow - the twin to the son that was in rehab ... for the 4th time. She was the sweetest woman, and she reminded me of myself a little - she was exceptionally tall and had the best posture (I was envious). I remember that it took a lot of convincing on the part of her family before she would agree to "go through this again".
She was 80 years old - her twins were 47 years old. Yet her son laughed and joked with the others in the group (a mix of teens and adults) as though they were all the same age... sigh. Part of that "arrested devleopment" thing, and the "charm" of an alcoholic/addict.
I remember thinking - "Oh dear God, please don't let me be that woman... please."
What I know today is that I had to take every step I took in recovery to get to where I am today.
I had to grow up in an alcoholic home.... become alcoholic myself... marry an alcoholic... get dry with him... have two children... and have both those children develop alcoholism before *I* took even one step in recovery.
Once I got to the point where I was totally and completly out of ideas... once I realized that there really was nothing I could DO to cause, control or cure the addiction - that was when I first began to Let Go and realize what they mean in Alanon by "powerless".
Alanon face to face meetings saved my life. No exaggeration.
I wish you the best.
O
Both my kids are addicts - daughter is 21 and sober, son is 23 and not.
Both attended Oxford houses following their rehabs. Son was successful for 18 months. Daughter made it about 6 weeks.
Daughter did a total of 4 rehabs... and a recovery house and an Oxford House. Son did one rehab and one Oxford house.
It takes what it takes... there is no predicting "when" or even "how long" they will get/stay sober.
The night before my daughter got clean, she used...it was a terrible relapse that hurt me very much. Nothing I said, nothing I did, nothing at ALL could reach through those dead eyes. She had made her decision and even if I COULD have physically restrained her... eventually she was going back to the drug house. But you know what? It was her last time - except I never knew it. There were no signs, her sobriety came out of the blue, in her own time for her own reasons. Not mine.
My kids never stopped loving me. They never will.
Their addiction hated me. Their addiction hated my boundaries and did everything in its power to manipulate and force their way around them. But they never stopped loving me... nor me loving them.
Our kids are still in there - no matter how buried in the active addiction. I keep them separate from the addiction... and that is why I believe that:
What we do is not who we are.
There was a mom at my kids first rehab. My kid was 17 and so full of herself. This other mom had a newly sober daughter in tow - the twin to the son that was in rehab ... for the 4th time. She was the sweetest woman, and she reminded me of myself a little - she was exceptionally tall and had the best posture (I was envious). I remember that it took a lot of convincing on the part of her family before she would agree to "go through this again".
She was 80 years old - her twins were 47 years old. Yet her son laughed and joked with the others in the group (a mix of teens and adults) as though they were all the same age... sigh. Part of that "arrested devleopment" thing, and the "charm" of an alcoholic/addict.
I remember thinking - "Oh dear God, please don't let me be that woman... please."
What I know today is that I had to take every step I took in recovery to get to where I am today.
I had to grow up in an alcoholic home.... become alcoholic myself... marry an alcoholic... get dry with him... have two children... and have both those children develop alcoholism before *I* took even one step in recovery.
Once I got to the point where I was totally and completly out of ideas... once I realized that there really was nothing I could DO to cause, control or cure the addiction - that was when I first began to Let Go and realize what they mean in Alanon by "powerless".
Alanon face to face meetings saved my life. No exaggeration.
I wish you the best.
O
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
. "I want to know if there are any parents out there who feel at
some point "enough is enough" and they accept that their love
is not going to be returned by their addictive adult child. I am
ashamed to say it but I am at the point that I pretty much am
wrung out and don't have a lot more to give"
Yup I got to that point, took 7 months away from my daughter and did what was best for me. Started living my own life. It was not easy and still is not some days. But I firmly believe that I am giving my daughter a gift, the ability to live her life for herself. If I am always there to fix her messes, she never learns that she does have the strenghth to do it herself. We are taking baby steps toward a different relationship. One in which I no longer try to force an outcome. I just love her and let her find her own way. So far it is working, but it took those 7 months and me coming up with some pretty firm boundaries (ie no enabling) for it to work at all. I realize that it may change tomorrow and I may have to go back to no contact. I am willing to do that rather than go back into the h*ll with her. Dixie, you can have a better life. You can learn to let go of your son and let God take over. You can say no. I have found that if I say yes and I don't get the outcome that I expect it only builds up resentments in me. That translates to hating my daughter and that is not fair to her. Addicts will use us if we let them. You can stop anytime. It is okay. Hugs, Marle
some point "enough is enough" and they accept that their love
is not going to be returned by their addictive adult child. I am
ashamed to say it but I am at the point that I pretty much am
wrung out and don't have a lot more to give"
Yup I got to that point, took 7 months away from my daughter and did what was best for me. Started living my own life. It was not easy and still is not some days. But I firmly believe that I am giving my daughter a gift, the ability to live her life for herself. If I am always there to fix her messes, she never learns that she does have the strenghth to do it herself. We are taking baby steps toward a different relationship. One in which I no longer try to force an outcome. I just love her and let her find her own way. So far it is working, but it took those 7 months and me coming up with some pretty firm boundaries (ie no enabling) for it to work at all. I realize that it may change tomorrow and I may have to go back to no contact. I am willing to do that rather than go back into the h*ll with her. Dixie, you can have a better life. You can learn to let go of your son and let God take over. You can say no. I have found that if I say yes and I don't get the outcome that I expect it only builds up resentments in me. That translates to hating my daughter and that is not fair to her. Addicts will use us if we let them. You can stop anytime. It is okay. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
I guess it depends on where you live - these "free" rehabs. We were told by a number of places around here in NJ that "the funding had run out" when my AD was looking for treatment. there is very limited 'charity' care and the whole year's allotment runs out in a matter of weeks. However, she knows that she needs to get on medicaid/welfare in order to find a bed in a treatment facility. With medicaid, there are many more options for her. And I've agreed to at least take her to the welfare appointment (if she ever makes the appointment). So no, I'm not willing to sell my home or take out a huge loan - the odds are not in my or her favor that she'll get and stay clean and I'm not willing for her disease to just wipe out all of our resources. I'm 50 years old and I want to retire someday.
However, as a recovering addict myself and also a former smoker - YES, pay for the darn cigarettes!! He has enough to worry about without wanting a smoke every 5 minutes and climbing the walls. Get the cheapest brand you can buy and leave it at that.
Saying he experiences remorse or guilt is probably as much as you'll get from him while he's still using. It takes a long time in recovery sometimes to really get honest and realize the harm we do as addicts.
However, as a recovering addict myself and also a former smoker - YES, pay for the darn cigarettes!! He has enough to worry about without wanting a smoke every 5 minutes and climbing the walls. Get the cheapest brand you can buy and leave it at that.
Saying he experiences remorse or guilt is probably as much as you'll get from him while he's still using. It takes a long time in recovery sometimes to really get honest and realize the harm we do as addicts.
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
I really can't say much more than what's already been said. I have a nearly 27 year old addict daughter, who is back in our lives again after nearly 4 years away. And the ONLY reason she is clean right now and back in our lives (her behavior tells us so) is that SHE did it! We did not! She did it for herself and for her own reasons.
I was fortunate; I learned early on in her addiction that I could and would not give up my life to try and control hers. Her life is not for me to control; it's up to her and her HP. I am responsible for no one but myself and my actions and I am accountable for the consequences of those actions. She and your son deserve the same even when it hurts us.
You do have to come to the conclusion: You cannot control the behavior of your addict; you can only control how much that behavior controls YOU!
There used to be a sticky "A message to new parents of addicts" but it also applied to the parents who are not so new to the addiction of their addicts. It said that to try control and try to "fix" your addict will make you as crazy or crazier than they are.
In my estimation and experience and knowledge (and I've had a few sessions with a family drug counselor) an addict cannot and will not recover unless that is what the addict wants and wants to fight for. Unfortunately, some never do. But it will NOT matter what you do or don't do; it's not yours to control.
I loved my daughter when she was using but I hated the addiction and behavior and could not have a front-row seat to it. As long as drugs were in her life and she was using, we kept our boundaries in place and we could not be with her.
I hope you can understand that you deserve a life, too. You have choices and you are responsible for making them.
Hugs,
Marteen
I was fortunate; I learned early on in her addiction that I could and would not give up my life to try and control hers. Her life is not for me to control; it's up to her and her HP. I am responsible for no one but myself and my actions and I am accountable for the consequences of those actions. She and your son deserve the same even when it hurts us.
You do have to come to the conclusion: You cannot control the behavior of your addict; you can only control how much that behavior controls YOU!
There used to be a sticky "A message to new parents of addicts" but it also applied to the parents who are not so new to the addiction of their addicts. It said that to try control and try to "fix" your addict will make you as crazy or crazier than they are.
In my estimation and experience and knowledge (and I've had a few sessions with a family drug counselor) an addict cannot and will not recover unless that is what the addict wants and wants to fight for. Unfortunately, some never do. But it will NOT matter what you do or don't do; it's not yours to control.
I loved my daughter when she was using but I hated the addiction and behavior and could not have a front-row seat to it. As long as drugs were in her life and she was using, we kept our boundaries in place and we could not be with her.
I hope you can understand that you deserve a life, too. You have choices and you are responsible for making them.
Hugs,
Marteen
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
1. My son smoked right up till he went to jail. If you remember, he was taken in while on probation because he couldn't pass a drug test. So back to jail he went. No drugs and no smokes! He quit and hasn't smoked since. (I just hope he doesn't pick it up again.) But, I did not give him one penny.
2. There is a place in Greenville SC Turning Point halfway house. Right off exit 44 from hwy 85. Welcome to Turning Point
It's a hotel turned into halfway house. They take them to work and back.
3. I had to tell my son, and absolutely mean it, that I would no longer support a drug addict or a lazy person. Sink or swim. I am tired of all the stress and I just won't deal with it any more. My son understood completely. Now he is doing fairly well.
2. There is a place in Greenville SC Turning Point halfway house. Right off exit 44 from hwy 85. Welcome to Turning Point
It's a hotel turned into halfway house. They take them to work and back.
3. I had to tell my son, and absolutely mean it, that I would no longer support a drug addict or a lazy person. Sink or swim. I am tired of all the stress and I just won't deal with it any more. My son understood completely. Now he is doing fairly well.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
((((Dixied)))) Not much to add...Supportin him financially through rehabs isn't the only way to love and support him. He can find his way on his own with you on the sidelines just loving him....promise. I'm so sorry you are going through this my friend. And by the way, I too think Oxford House is a great way to go after rehab. They are inexpensive enough that a job...any job (for him) will pay his way. Many hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
thank all of you for your kind replies. I am going to think over the suggestions. I do think I will continue to help my dil because she is a very good and caring mother to my grandson and she is working. My son has put everyone through so much and this is not my dil's fault at all. If I can take some of the stress off her and in turn it will help her feel a little security then I can live with that and will continue to do so.
I am hopeful that my son will take this chance at rehab to honestly do some soul searching. They say relapse is part of recovery so just maybe he will understand he isn't as smart as he thought he was.
One thing that really touched my heart was when he arrived at the rehab facility (he has been there before) the director walked out and said, "welcome Home ,alive." It just made my heart ache because you see some never make it back for that second chance. But I am going to continue to pray for him and hope he is taking to heart what is being said. I know that this is a gamble but it's done now and I need to hope and pray I've done the right thing. Only time will tell but I do thank everyone for their encouragement. It has meant so much. thank you.........dixie
I am hopeful that my son will take this chance at rehab to honestly do some soul searching. They say relapse is part of recovery so just maybe he will understand he isn't as smart as he thought he was.
One thing that really touched my heart was when he arrived at the rehab facility (he has been there before) the director walked out and said, "welcome Home ,alive." It just made my heart ache because you see some never make it back for that second chance. But I am going to continue to pray for him and hope he is taking to heart what is being said. I know that this is a gamble but it's done now and I need to hope and pray I've done the right thing. Only time will tell but I do thank everyone for their encouragement. It has meant so much. thank you.........dixie
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
((Dixie))
Maintaining that bond with your DIL is crucial to having a relationship with your grandson. That is true in normie families too...lol! I am not sure that financial help is required but you do what you need to do to be able to sleep at night. My 33 year old alcoholic son has nearly nothing to do with his own child but my husband and myself are blessed to see him often.
Hugs,
JT
Maintaining that bond with your DIL is crucial to having a relationship with your grandson. That is true in normie families too...lol! I am not sure that financial help is required but you do what you need to do to be able to sleep at night. My 33 year old alcoholic son has nearly nothing to do with his own child but my husband and myself are blessed to see him often.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 287
Dixie,
My son has been homeless the last two years because neither I or his Mom would let him live with us, it was not an easy decision to make.
Last week he called and asked for help saying 'this time its for me'. I believe him and nowhe is in detox and next week rehab.
The counselor in detox said my son really seems ready because he knows there's nothing for him other than the streets. Wasn't an easy decision to make.
Wishes and prayers for you and your addict. Take Care of Yourself!!
My son has been homeless the last two years because neither I or his Mom would let him live with us, it was not an easy decision to make.
Last week he called and asked for help saying 'this time its for me'. I believe him and nowhe is in detox and next week rehab.
The counselor in detox said my son really seems ready because he knows there's nothing for him other than the streets. Wasn't an easy decision to make.
Wishes and prayers for you and your addict. Take Care of Yourself!!
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