Sitting with my anxiety...

Old 12-27-2007, 10:17 AM
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Sitting with my anxiety...

I am new to SoberRecovery, and I think this is the forum I belong in. My young son is an addict in California, and his older brother has gone to help him move to the east coast into a guest apartment in our home. Young son has lost his excellent job, and is clearly on a downhill path. Older son has helped my AS by making lists, giving guidance, etc., but my AS used drugs on Christmas Eve when he went out with friends, slept the day away, until eldest son forced him awake to attend Christmas dinner with in-law family members. AS took something before dinner, and talked to himself at the table, was way under the influence, and essentially ruined the Christmas dinner of 8 people.
Yesterday, nothing got done, and today is the day both sons were to leave California for the east coast. Last night, elder son went to home of AS, who wasn't accomplishing much in the way of leaving, and AS began throwing things at elder son. It ended badly, with elder son going elsewhere for the night.
This morning, elder son has given AS two more days to leave, but AS still is wanting elder son to do everything for him. I'm not so sure we should keep "making this happen" for AS, but rather allow him to get everything done himself. My fear is that he is bringing his problem to the east coast, not coming to get the fresh start he claims he needed, away from the triggers and memories of the town he lives in in CA. Does it sound like my AS is just rationalizing his coming east by saying he is going to get a new job and start a new life? Or, am I enabling him to continuing using by providing a new place for him to continue his drug abuse? My AS is 38, and has been using drugs for most of his life; the elder brother is 41. I would so appreciate any insights.
Thank you.
Nieu
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Old 12-27-2007, 10:30 AM
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My personal experience with my daughter who is my addict is that anything you do for them just makes it easier for them to use. I won't tell you not to let him come home. Only you can make that decision. With my daughter, my boundary is she can't come home to live with us. I won't let her bring the chaos here. I love her with all my heart, but I absolutely know that I am not the solution. She knows that a rehab and halfway house is her option should she choose to leave her addict boyfriend and get help. She is 21 and in the past all my enabling did was to allow her to escape the consequences of her using. When she moved out of her apartment and into a house with her addict boyfriend, I was the one who went to the apartment and cleaned up the mess she had left. She and the boyfriend spent the day jonesing because they had no money for drugs. I have in the past paid bills for her, given her things that she should have gotten for herself and helped her go to one rehab which she left in 5 days and relapsed shortly after. I spent 7 months not seeing her and just recently have I allowed her back into my life. It took me that long to establish some very good boundaries with her. She knows that mom will not give her money, pay her bills or get her out of her consequences. She knows that I would like to see her go to rehab, but I don't harp on it. I respect her right to live her life the way she wants it and she respects my boundaries. Should that change I am willing to go back to no contact. I just know that for me I can't go back to that dark place with her. So what you do is up to you, but giving your son a soft place to fall is not going to get him clean and it could end up pulling you down with him. You can change your mind. His life is his responsibility not yours. Sending hugs and prayers your way because I know how tough it is when it is our children we are saying no to. Hugs, Marle
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Old 12-27-2007, 10:40 AM
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Originally Posted by nieuanima View Post
My fear is that he is bringing his problem to the east coast...
.... am I enabling him to continuing using by providing a new place for him to continue his drug abuse?
Nieu

I cant say for you whether or not you are or are not enabling him to use, BUT

it has been my experience that if I step in to provide a soft landing for my grown child, she will not take FULL responsibility for her own life. If I soften the consequences of her choices, even a little, I am doing her no good.

I need to be honest and strong, courageous enough to risk discomfort for a time and see that I often do these rescue missions to make MY anxiety and parental guilt go away. I dont want to feel the feelings it brings up in me, so I take an action that feels better in the moment.

In the long run, I end up with resentments because she was not grateful enough, not you-name-it-enough, to have changed as I see fit.

For me, the codependency of parenting is the hardest work to heal through. Fortunately, I don't have to finish today!

Good luck in your situation. It sounds like you will have many golden opportunities for setting firm, clear boundaries. My only advise is to prepare for that now by coming to terms with yourself as far as what you will accept in your house and what the consequences will be should the lines be crossed or disrespected.
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Old 12-27-2007, 10:41 AM
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Marle, Thank you for posting a response. I'm sure you know the place I'm experiencing right now, which is paralysis in the not-knowing place, whether the trip is going to happen or not, and looking for comfort in knowing there are people out there, right now, reading my words and feeling my anxiety. I feel your presence and your caring. I also feel sadness for your having to experience this tragedy in your daughter. Nieu
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Old 12-27-2007, 11:40 AM
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(((nieuanima)))
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
I am the mother of 2 addict sons, one is 29, and sober, the other 34, and still using.

What I have found out through the travels of addiction is we cannot love them into recovery.

Your son, sure sounds like he is in a downward spiral. As mean as this sounds, I would not try in any way to prevent it. It's a continuous circle, we help them, they stay somewhat sober for awhile, then the circle starts again. If your son is down and out and spiraling down towards his bottom, it may be a good thing.
If he refuses to come home, I sure as heck wouldn't force the issue, although I realize you are trying to "help" him.

Have faith that your son's Higher Power will lead him where he needs to be.

Hugs to you,
I know how hard this is.
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Old 12-27-2007, 01:47 PM
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hi,
I'm the mother of a 28 year old addict who is about to celebrate three years clean and the only advice I have for you is to read and then read again what Moose said in the post before mine because that's exactly what I wanted to say and she's said it beautifully.

sigh
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