His Family's there - I'm not - is that right?
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
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His Family's there - I'm not - is that right?
Me again. So, STBXAH (I have no idea if that's the right symbol for soon to be exhusband who's an addict - but that's what I'm trying to say) - found out today (xmas eve) that he told a mutual friend about his codeine addiction and apparently one of his brother's and his wife. They are helping him, etc. He is a mess this week, think the tapering is really hitting so the depression of me wanting a divorce - and the fact that opiates take down brain chemistry so depression comes with that addiction (maybe it comes with all addictions, I have no idea) but he's a mess. I'm with my family, my aunt is STRONG and very good for me to be around, but I now have this little nagging - his family's there for him, am I supposed to be too? I think I shouldn't be, he didn't tell me about his addiction until 2-3 weeks after I said I wanted a divorce and after I found the "evidence" and then he still didn't admit addiction - it's just I knew. Anyhow, having a little bit of guilt, luckily too far away to do anything about it - but looking for opinions and/or advice about this. I will be going home this week and I am staying upstairs right now - I haven't been able to find someplace to rent or buy yet, and I'll be danged if I'm just going to get out of my house because I finally said I had enough of being married to someone who didn't participate in our marriage. But, it's going to be awkward with his family in and out downstairs helping him. As soon as I find someplace that feels like it can be a home, I will get out, but to take care of myself, I feel very strongly that I need a good place to go to - not someplace depressing. Anyhow, blah blah blah - it seems I could go on and on. I'm just having such a time right now. Thanks - I'm off to read other posts and get inspired. Be good to yourselves during this holiday time!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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I am SO hating my EX ADDICT BF of 5 days right now...... I HATE HIM! I actually want to let his family know so they stop giving him money... so they KNOW THE TRUTH!
He's my EX... I should be glad that he is my EX... but no... I'm just hating right now.... I'm not a hater, and today ... of all days... what am I doing? I'm HATING!
If I were you... I'd let his family know that you are in need of support too.... let them know how this has taken you down..... he is not the only one! But that is probably not good advice, cause I'm in hating mode right now!
Aaaaaaaah... the wheels in our heads just keep turning.....
(((HUGS)))).......... damn it this is all so much easier said than done!
You are not alone on this day ... where you are feeling these things..... it SUCKS!
He's my EX... I should be glad that he is my EX... but no... I'm just hating right now.... I'm not a hater, and today ... of all days... what am I doing? I'm HATING!
If I were you... I'd let his family know that you are in need of support too.... let them know how this has taken you down..... he is not the only one! But that is probably not good advice, cause I'm in hating mode right now!
Aaaaaaaah... the wheels in our heads just keep turning.....
(((HUGS)))).......... damn it this is all so much easier said than done!
You are not alone on this day ... where you are feeling these things..... it SUCKS!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
You said your aunt is being strong and supportive... so all of your family knows right? I feel bad about that post up there that i did. I had written an email to my friend saying I wasn't going to come on here and "be hating"..... but I can't go to my family. They'd be so cross with me for even thinking of being involved in a relaitonship with a drug user, and then at the same time... being hurt by it. They wouldn't understand..... they'd probably think I was doing drugs too!
I personallly think it is so much easier to stay mad... it keeps me stronger to not get caught up in all the bullsh!t lies and woes...... and believe me... I have heard them all!
Coming off opiates... it totally puts you in a depression... they think about how the drugs made them LIVE... and cope with... LIVING. I'll tell ya right now... I wish I did use drugs... so that I could forget about all of THIS!
Your husband is totally freaking out... and when he is put into truly facing his reality w/out drugs... it has to cause confusion.
Take one day at a time... you aren't there yet... and when you do get there... try to have a plan in place.
Take this time to make out a plan...... and plan of leaving...... and how you are going to do it. If you are thinking of maybe working it out... then you need to make a plan with how you are going to do that... and then what happens should another relapse? What will you do?
You are a strong woman... and you do NOT deserve a lying addict as a husband... you DESERVE more... and you have to give yourself more!
Dress yourself up today... strut yourself... make a new beginning for YOU.... that is what I'm going to do!
Think about YOU........ not about how he is going to get help and support and whether you should be there with him...... OH NO girl friend.... YOU have already been there... done that!
What do you want to do today? If he was not in your life..... what would you be doing or thinking about today?
Drug addicts are totally selfish ........ and NOW... You ... Be Selfish..... and do it with a smile!!!!!!
(((HUGS))))!
I personallly think it is so much easier to stay mad... it keeps me stronger to not get caught up in all the bullsh!t lies and woes...... and believe me... I have heard them all!
Coming off opiates... it totally puts you in a depression... they think about how the drugs made them LIVE... and cope with... LIVING. I'll tell ya right now... I wish I did use drugs... so that I could forget about all of THIS!
Your husband is totally freaking out... and when he is put into truly facing his reality w/out drugs... it has to cause confusion.
Take one day at a time... you aren't there yet... and when you do get there... try to have a plan in place.
Take this time to make out a plan...... and plan of leaving...... and how you are going to do it. If you are thinking of maybe working it out... then you need to make a plan with how you are going to do that... and then what happens should another relapse? What will you do?
You are a strong woman... and you do NOT deserve a lying addict as a husband... you DESERVE more... and you have to give yourself more!
Dress yourself up today... strut yourself... make a new beginning for YOU.... that is what I'm going to do!
Think about YOU........ not about how he is going to get help and support and whether you should be there with him...... OH NO girl friend.... YOU have already been there... done that!
What do you want to do today? If he was not in your life..... what would you be doing or thinking about today?
Drug addicts are totally selfish ........ and NOW... You ... Be Selfish..... and do it with a smile!!!!!!
(((HUGS))))!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: cali
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I am SO hating my EX ADDICT BF of 5 days right now...... I HATE HIM! I actually want to let his family know so they stop giving him money... so they KNOW THE TRUTH!
I've been reading through all of these powerful threads tonight - I wish I knew that this place existed a few years ago! I just thought I'd chime in here since your posts looked like a page from my diary when I finally drew the line and kicked my ASO out. The one thing I wished I could have taken back as soon as I did it, and the one thing that she told me she still couldn't forgive and was angry about when we bumped in to each other 2 years later was telling her family.
I thought it would help because they wouldn't give her money, but it turned out they weren't giving her much to begin with; she was earning more than I thought she was because so much of it was hidden for drugs (or occasionally for a nice vacation suprise for us, I admit).
More importantly, it totally slammed the door shut on her reaching out to her parents, and (she feels) took her from being ten days clean (a start!) to a seven-month life-threatening binge. She told me she had been tentatively opening the subject with her parents (which I encouraged), but after I spoke with them she freaked out, cancelled her cell phone, vanished (neither I, her friends, or her family had any idea of where she was for almost six months) and hit as she said 'the bottomest bottom' before she went back to them.
She said the guilt/shame of having become dependent was just barely manageble for her to dole the story out in little pieces to her parents, but when she thought it had all been brought into the open, she was totally paralyzed at the idea of even seeing them or speaking to them again.
Even worse, I really didn't say all that much - she assumed the worst once she found out I had broached the subject with them at all. So my advice is that although your heart is in the right place, to betray an SO's trust --to their parents-- is something I would avoid at all costs unless I thought it would directly prevent a suicide or something.
He's my EX... I should be glad that he is my EX... but no... I'm just hating right now.... I'm not a hater, and today ... of all days... what am I doing? I'm HATING!
I personallly think it is so much easier to stay mad...
Also, from the other posts I've read by you, and from what you said above, being hateful doesn't really seem to be your style. Maybe see how you feel in a week or two? I used my anger to keep her away and it worked, but I had a very hard time getting 'un-angry' a few months later when I knew she was gone for good. A couple of my close friends told me that I seemed to be on the verge of RAGE all the time - it's very hard to keep anger hidden when you've stoked it into a raging bonfire.
Good luck, god bless, merry xmas.
I am SO hating my EX ADDICT BF of 5 days right now...... I HATE HIM! I actually want to let his family know so they stop giving him money... so they KNOW THE TRUTH!
I've been reading through all of these powerful threads tonight - I wish I knew that this place existed a few years ago! I just thought I'd chime in here since your posts looked like a page from my diary when I finally drew the line and kicked my ASO out. The one thing I wished I could have taken back as soon as I did it, and the one thing that she told me she still couldn't forgive and was angry about when we bumped in to each other 2 years later was telling her family.
I thought it would help because they wouldn't give her money, but it turned out they weren't giving her much to begin with; she was earning more than I thought she was because so much of it was hidden for drugs (or occasionally for a nice vacation suprise for us, I admit).
More importantly, it totally slammed the door shut on her reaching out to her parents, and (she feels) took her from being ten days clean (a start!) to a seven-month life-threatening binge. She told me she had been tentatively opening the subject with her parents (which I encouraged), but after I spoke with them she freaked out, cancelled her cell phone, vanished (neither I, her friends, or her family had any idea of where she was for almost six months) and hit as she said 'the bottomest bottom' before she went back to them.
She said the guilt/shame of having become dependent was just barely manageble for her to dole the story out in little pieces to her parents, but when she thought it had all been brought into the open, she was totally paralyzed at the idea of even seeing them or speaking to them again.
Even worse, I really didn't say all that much - she assumed the worst once she found out I had broached the subject with them at all. So my advice is that although your heart is in the right place, to betray an SO's trust --to their parents-- is something I would avoid at all costs unless I thought it would directly prevent a suicide or something.
He's my EX... I should be glad that he is my EX... but no... I'm just hating right now.... I'm not a hater, and today ... of all days... what am I doing? I'm HATING!
I personallly think it is so much easier to stay mad...
Also, from the other posts I've read by you, and from what you said above, being hateful doesn't really seem to be your style. Maybe see how you feel in a week or two?
I used my anger to keep her away and it worked, but I had a very hard time getting 'un-angry' a few months later when I knew she was gone for good. A couple of my close friends told me that I seemed to be on the verge of RAGE all the time - it's very hard to keep anger hidden when you've stoked it into a raging bonfire.Good luck, god bless, merry xmas.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
I think its normal to feel some guilt - divorce brings up all of the feelings there are - but it also sounds like your deciding to divorce him may have been the 'bottom' he needed to ask for help now. So you already helped him greatly by being honest with yourself and taking care of yourself. Now he can do the same if he really wants to - let him do this himself. keep 'doing' you.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Originally Posted by GoodLifeBadLife 
Abundance:
I am SO hating my EX ADDICT BF of 5 days right now...... I HATE HIM! I actually want to let his family know so they stop giving him money... so they KNOW THE TRUTH!
I've been reading through all of these powerful threads tonight - I wish I knew that this place existed a few years ago! I just thought I'd chime in here since your posts looked like a page from my diary when I finally drew the line and kicked my ASO out. The one thing I wished I could have taken back as soon as I did it, and the one thing that she told me she still couldn't forgive and was angry about when we bumped in to each other 2 years later was telling her family.
I thought it would help because they wouldn't give her money, but it turned out they weren't giving her much to begin with; she was earning more than I thought she was because so much of it was hidden for drugs (or occasionally for a nice vacation suprise for us, I admit).
More importantly, it totally slammed the door shut on her reaching out to her parents, and (she feels) took her from being ten days clean (a start!) to a seven-month life-threatening binge. She told me she had been tentatively opening the subject with her parents (which I encouraged), but after I spoke with them she freaked out, cancelled her cell phone, vanished (neither I, her friends, or her family had any idea of where she was for almost six months) and hit as she said 'the bottomest bottom' before she went back to them.
She said the guilt/shame of having become dependent was just barely manageble for her to dole the story out in little pieces to her parents, but when she thought it had all been brought into the open, she was totally paralyzed at the idea of even seeing them or speaking to them again.
Even worse, I really didn't say all that much - she assumed the worst once she found out I had broached the subject with them at all. So my advice is that although your heart is in the right place, to betray an SO's trust --to their parents-- is something I would avoid at all costs unless I thought it would directly prevent a suicide or something.
He's my EX... I should be glad that he is my EX... but no... I'm just hating right now.... I'm not a hater, and today ... of all days... what am I doing? I'm HATING!
I personallly think it is so much easier to stay mad...
Also, from the other posts I've read by you, and from what you said above, being hateful doesn't really seem to be your style. Maybe see how you feel in a week or two? I used my anger to keep her away and it worked, but I had a very hard time getting 'un-angry' a few months later when I knew she was gone for good. A couple of my close friends told me that I seemed to be on the verge of RAGE all the time - it's very hard to keep anger hidden when you've stoked it into a raging bonfire.
Good luck, god bless, merry xmas.
I am SO hating my EX ADDICT BF of 5 days right now...... I HATE HIM! I actually want to let his family know so they stop giving him money... so they KNOW THE TRUTH!
I've been reading through all of these powerful threads tonight - I wish I knew that this place existed a few years ago! I just thought I'd chime in here since your posts looked like a page from my diary when I finally drew the line and kicked my ASO out. The one thing I wished I could have taken back as soon as I did it, and the one thing that she told me she still couldn't forgive and was angry about when we bumped in to each other 2 years later was telling her family.
I thought it would help because they wouldn't give her money, but it turned out they weren't giving her much to begin with; she was earning more than I thought she was because so much of it was hidden for drugs (or occasionally for a nice vacation suprise for us, I admit).
More importantly, it totally slammed the door shut on her reaching out to her parents, and (she feels) took her from being ten days clean (a start!) to a seven-month life-threatening binge. She told me she had been tentatively opening the subject with her parents (which I encouraged), but after I spoke with them she freaked out, cancelled her cell phone, vanished (neither I, her friends, or her family had any idea of where she was for almost six months) and hit as she said 'the bottomest bottom' before she went back to them.
She said the guilt/shame of having become dependent was just barely manageble for her to dole the story out in little pieces to her parents, but when she thought it had all been brought into the open, she was totally paralyzed at the idea of even seeing them or speaking to them again.
Even worse, I really didn't say all that much - she assumed the worst once she found out I had broached the subject with them at all. So my advice is that although your heart is in the right place, to betray an SO's trust --to their parents-- is something I would avoid at all costs unless I thought it would directly prevent a suicide or something.
He's my EX... I should be glad that he is my EX... but no... I'm just hating right now.... I'm not a hater, and today ... of all days... what am I doing? I'm HATING!
I personallly think it is so much easier to stay mad...
Also, from the other posts I've read by you, and from what you said above, being hateful doesn't really seem to be your style. Maybe see how you feel in a week or two?
I used my anger to keep her away and it worked, but I had a very hard time getting 'un-angry' a few months later when I knew she was gone for good. A couple of my close friends told me that I seemed to be on the verge of RAGE all the time - it's very hard to keep anger hidden when you've stoked it into a raging bonfire.Good luck, god bless, merry xmas.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: cali
Posts: 2
I wasn't trying to take his (any) side, nor expounding any kind of general principle. I did it once and it was one of the things I'd do differently if I had another shot at life.
As a wise woman (my mother) used to say: 'Follow your heart, but not instantly - if something is true today it will be true in a few weeks.'
As a wise woman (my mother) used to say: 'Follow your heart, but not instantly - if something is true today it will be true in a few weeks.'
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