Family in need of Advice - Please !!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4
Family in need of Advice - Please !!!!!
Greetings - I took the opportunity to sign my sister-in-law up for this forum so that she had somewhere to go when she needed help. In the meantime, however, her family (us) have a very serious problem! My sister-in-law has been sober since August 11, 2007. She relocated to another state to live with us to get out of the dire situation she was in. Her addiction to cocaine took her to the bottom. Since that time, she has successfully completed an Inpatient program and is now in an Intensive Outpatient Program. Everything in her life is wonderful !!! She had started a new life, with new beginnings and everybody in our family has been extremely optimistic. However, she relapsed yesterday !!!! Her brother, my husband, is screaming at her. I signed her up for this for not only her sake but for help on our end. I don't know if yelling and screaming at her is the best way to handle this situation. Everytime he raises his voice to her - its almost like she goes in to a shell. Is there anybody out there who can refer me to a site or a reference manual on assisting the family with coping and understanding the relapse process and what is the best way to handle this horrible situation????
I don't want her to feel like we don't love her - we do very much !! And all we want for her is to get better. We keep on asking her why - and the only thing she says is that she doesn't know why. Is she afraid of telling us why or does she really being honest when she says she doesn't know??
Somebody please help us !!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't want her to feel like we don't love her - we do very much !! And all we want for her is to get better. We keep on asking her why - and the only thing she says is that she doesn't know why. Is she afraid of telling us why or does she really being honest when she says she doesn't know??
Somebody please help us !!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
Addicts use because their brains are wired (perhaps re-wired by the drug) to use drugs to feel a certain way. In other words, addicts use because they are addicts. The drugs (all of them that create a high - including alcohol) stimulate the dopamine pathway in the brain and create this good feeling. An addict is predisposed to being particularly sensitive to this reaction in the brain (many theories as to why. nobody knows for sure). and the brain keeps wanting to feel that way again. thus, the repeated drug use and addiction. Even after periods of abstinance, the brain remembers and wants it again. That is why addicts relapse. There are "triggers" that can push an addict towards relapse, though. these can be strong emotions (sadness, anger, fear, even happiness), and also can be what we call "people, places, and things" that remind them of their drug use of the past. for example, just seeing a movie where an actor snorts a line of cocaine can set a cocaine addict off and they might obsess about getting high for days afterwards. Prior to seeing the movie, they were really fine with being clean. a trigger can be anything from a song on the radio to hearing an old friends' voice. The Holidays are certainly triggers. they stir up emotions and they are usually associated with "partying".
Truthfully, understanding "why" is of little to no use. what is useful for the addict is to understand and practice what has worked for other addicts who no longer use. Generally, this is active participation in a 12-step program.
No, yelling, screaming, and guilting out an addict doesn't help. If the addict does not want to stop, there is nothing you can do except let them suffer the consequences and pray that they will hit another bottom.
If the addict is still interested in recovery and wants to stop again, they should be encouraged to go to a meeting (NA, or AA for alcohol). If the relapse goes on for a long time, another detox or inpatient rehab may be necessary. Relapses are often all a part of the process. Remember, the addict has a brain that keeps 'telling them' its a great idea to use drugs, in spite of all the consequences. So it isn't unusual for an addict to relapse. Unfortunately, the desire to try again to be clean must come from the addict themselves. Relapsing sets off the whole disease of addiction all over again, and it isn't easy to just stop and pick up their recovery where they left off.
this is of course, infuriating to the families. It seems insane for them to use again, or to keep using, but that's what they do. The best thing for a family member to do is to stop enabling them (see sticky's) and take care of ourselves the best we can - which is also a process and requires practice and support.
Truthfully, understanding "why" is of little to no use. what is useful for the addict is to understand and practice what has worked for other addicts who no longer use. Generally, this is active participation in a 12-step program.
No, yelling, screaming, and guilting out an addict doesn't help. If the addict does not want to stop, there is nothing you can do except let them suffer the consequences and pray that they will hit another bottom.
If the addict is still interested in recovery and wants to stop again, they should be encouraged to go to a meeting (NA, or AA for alcohol). If the relapse goes on for a long time, another detox or inpatient rehab may be necessary. Relapses are often all a part of the process. Remember, the addict has a brain that keeps 'telling them' its a great idea to use drugs, in spite of all the consequences. So it isn't unusual for an addict to relapse. Unfortunately, the desire to try again to be clean must come from the addict themselves. Relapsing sets off the whole disease of addiction all over again, and it isn't easy to just stop and pick up their recovery where they left off.
this is of course, infuriating to the families. It seems insane for them to use again, or to keep using, but that's what they do. The best thing for a family member to do is to stop enabling them (see sticky's) and take care of ourselves the best we can - which is also a process and requires practice and support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
the drug is a powerful thing. the addict does not know why they get hhigh. there is no cure for it. only with a strong support system to they stay clean & sober. is she going to meetings every nite? she needs to go to 90 meetings in 90 days & then do it again. your family can do nothing for her. she has to do it for herself.you keep coming back here & reading around. there is alot of info here. my prayers are for you & your family.
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
welcome to our family,
sleepy explained addiction well. it is something we don't understand but are always hurt by. Relapse is common and getting back on the program is the best step. Praying for you and your family at this Christmas season.
krhea
sleepy explained addiction well. it is something we don't understand but are always hurt by. Relapse is common and getting back on the program is the best step. Praying for you and your family at this Christmas season.
krhea
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Maybe it's a one time slip? Relapse happen sometimes. It's what she does with it that makes a difference. Or maybe she's slipping back into full blown addiction. That is more common than a one time slip. You can't really know what is going on in her head. She will say she is done, even if she's not. But time and her actions will tell. So trust your instincts.
Protect yourself, your family and your finances. You have a right to be angry but what she does (no matter how disappointing it is) should not affect your Christmas. It's was her choice to use again. Triggers or no triggers. Brain chemistry or not. In rehab, we learn how to avoid triggers, or what to do if we experience them so that we don't end up using again. But now that she's reactivated her addiction, she is right back where she was before she went into rehab and the pull to use may be stronger than it ever was. Addiction is progressive.
Protect yourself, your family and your finances. You have a right to be angry but what she does (no matter how disappointing it is) should not affect your Christmas. It's was her choice to use again. Triggers or no triggers. Brain chemistry or not. In rehab, we learn how to avoid triggers, or what to do if we experience them so that we don't end up using again. But now that she's reactivated her addiction, she is right back where she was before she went into rehab and the pull to use may be stronger than it ever was. Addiction is progressive.
Sweet Christmas secrets
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: ALASKA
Posts: 119
Sleepygoat gave a great definition of addiction. Thanks Sleepygoat
as family members who love our addicts and only want the best for them...here is how you get thru this ...
1. I can't
I recognize that my life has become unbearable due to anothers addictions
2. He Can
I recognize that there is a higher power in my life and only HE has the power
3. I'll let Him
I recognize that I need to turn this pain and sadness due to anothers addictions over to GOD as I understand HIM to be and I will get out of the way and be only supportive of my loved on in their struggle to overcome this addiction.
You have to take care of you!
as family members who love our addicts and only want the best for them...here is how you get thru this ...
1. I can't
I recognize that my life has become unbearable due to anothers addictions
2. He Can
I recognize that there is a higher power in my life and only HE has the power
3. I'll let Him
I recognize that I need to turn this pain and sadness due to anothers addictions over to GOD as I understand HIM to be and I will get out of the way and be only supportive of my loved on in their struggle to overcome this addiction.
You have to take care of you!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
"Hands off the addict"
This is something I learned here - and it is THE most difficult thing to do. Both my kids are addict/alcoholics, as is my sister and my mom. Some are in recovery, some are not. Some have been in, then relapsed.
What I know is that there were times that I "set up" a recovery for someone - paid the bills, got them to the hospital, held their hands during the detox.... only to watch them relapse later. THAT hurt almost worse than the original addiction.
Today, I realize that I had OWNERSHIP in that recovery... and that the addict was doing her best at the time to please ME. She herself was not ready. She got that way a couple years later... but only because we all withdrew from the day-to-day chaos of her life, and let her find her own way.
We set boundaries around ourselves to keep OURSELVES safe. We loved her, visited (briefly) when we could... but did not provide for her anything she could provide for herself.
Alanon helped me understand the 3Cs - that we CANNOT:
Cause
Control
Cure
Addiction or alcoholism. We love the person, we want the best for them, but we need to detatch and let them figure out on their own how to get ... and stay sober.
It ain't personal - they don't dissappoint us intentionally. No one... and I mean NO ONE... tries harder to quit than addicts. If all they had to do was "quit using" - our jails would be empty, our hospitals half full and cemetary would be far less full. They are not the same as us...
What OUR job is - is to let go of expectations and outcomes. We can't control those, and they only lead to anger and disappointment.
I learned all this at ALanon - I would urge as many of the family who can to attend at least 6 meetings... they saved MY life.
This is something I learned here - and it is THE most difficult thing to do. Both my kids are addict/alcoholics, as is my sister and my mom. Some are in recovery, some are not. Some have been in, then relapsed.
What I know is that there were times that I "set up" a recovery for someone - paid the bills, got them to the hospital, held their hands during the detox.... only to watch them relapse later. THAT hurt almost worse than the original addiction.
Today, I realize that I had OWNERSHIP in that recovery... and that the addict was doing her best at the time to please ME. She herself was not ready. She got that way a couple years later... but only because we all withdrew from the day-to-day chaos of her life, and let her find her own way.
We set boundaries around ourselves to keep OURSELVES safe. We loved her, visited (briefly) when we could... but did not provide for her anything she could provide for herself.
Alanon helped me understand the 3Cs - that we CANNOT:
Cause
Control
Cure
Addiction or alcoholism. We love the person, we want the best for them, but we need to detatch and let them figure out on their own how to get ... and stay sober.
It ain't personal - they don't dissappoint us intentionally. No one... and I mean NO ONE... tries harder to quit than addicts. If all they had to do was "quit using" - our jails would be empty, our hospitals half full and cemetary would be far less full. They are not the same as us...
What OUR job is - is to let go of expectations and outcomes. We can't control those, and they only lead to anger and disappointment.
I learned all this at ALanon - I would urge as many of the family who can to attend at least 6 meetings... they saved MY life.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
ask your brother if he would yell at her if her cancer returned?
Same thing...its a disease....people relapse.
You cant force her to post here anymore than you can force her to not use. Controlling folks to do as I wish, just made em want to use more.
Let go....let her have her space to recover...
Same thing...its a disease....people relapse.
You cant force her to post here anymore than you can force her to not use. Controlling folks to do as I wish, just made em want to use more.
Let go....let her have her space to recover...
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