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what to do??

Old 12-23-2007, 10:09 PM
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what to do??

My sister left my parents house a week ago, I watched her walk down the street, she said she couldn't live there and that they were making her choose between her daughter and bf. That wasn't the case, but they told her to leave if she was going to continue to be verbally abusive and in no condition to be with her daughter. My mom actually had to call the police because my sister threatened to take my niece with her. She was just upset and wanted their car. She knew she wasn't taking my niece but it was leverage.

Anyway, cops came, assessed the situation, they couldn't do much, but remind my sister that child protective services could be called, etc. Sister decided to calm down and eventually cops left. After that, my sister got mad of course at my parents, saying they were inhumane for calling the cops on their daughter, etc. That's when she walked out. She was staying at a motel with bf, then back to the drug friend area throughout the week. My sister called my parents and asked to be picked up. My dad went to get her and the first time she wasn't at the place she said to get her so he started to come home. Got another call and he went back, this time she said no to him, that she wasn't ready. This is the first time she's done this with calling and not going with my dad. My dad was already late for work, so angry and really just had enough. Told her and the bf not to call again. She said she'd get a ride home the next day. Of course, that didn't happen. She really is so ill.

My mom is worried about my sister showing up tomorrow for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. What do they do? Let her in to see her daughter so she can walk out again? The family needs a plan, but are unsure of what to do.
I told them to do whatever they think is best to keep the peace in their house and protect their grandchild. What that looks like to them, I don't know. They don't either. Everything is what-if right now.

Please share any experience, strength, and hope!
Thanks!!
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Old 12-23-2007, 10:42 PM
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Have they took steps to get guardianship or some kind of legal custody of your niece? We didn't for along time an it was a constant worry for us that AD would take her son to spite us. She used that threat to more or less blackmail us into giving her what she wanted. When Child services got involved we filed for guardianship, an that has been a big relief for us knowing she can't take the kids.
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Old 12-23-2007, 10:52 PM
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They have the paperwork, but haven't followed through with filing.
I really don't know what's holding them back, but that's out of my control, too.
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Old 12-23-2007, 10:56 PM
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ditto on lost parent. Let me add that if boundarys are not set right away, nothing will change.
Please read the very helpful book "Boundaries: when to say yes, how to say no".
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Old 12-23-2007, 11:13 PM
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Pretty much all you can do for your parents is listen to them an try to be supportive. At least for me was harder when my other kids would get mad us for stressing out over what their AD sister was doing. For yourself you need to try an detach hard to do I know. I do understand them dragging their feet on filing the papers, but they really should go ahead an do it. Once her little girl is safe they can work on letting her fall with out the added worry of what will happen to your niece.
Sorry you are having to deal with is for some reason our AD always seemed to act up more around holidays, or birthdays, don't know why.
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Old 12-23-2007, 11:24 PM
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I'm attending Nar-anon and it is a blessing to have such great support there and here, too. I've detached so much from my sister and am just being the best auntie for my niece! I'm not letting my sister ruin my spirit.

As for my mom, she'll have to find her support from other sources. I think she wants the peace through me and relaying the messages, meeting discussions, etc. and I've stressed that she has to find it within herself. I can't walk her path or do her work for her. She knows this, but is so afraid of losing my sister that she's actually losing herself, too if that makes sense. As for me, I'm not going down with the ship.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll look into it for myself, too.
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Old 12-23-2007, 11:24 PM
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Your sisters reaction was not at all unusual for an addict. My husband and I called the cops and had my daughter arrested after she robbed our house ( we had left her home to watch the cats and the house- even payed her for it- when we were on vacation). She still (over a year later) can't believe "my own parents called the cops" and seems incapable of understanding that robbing her parents home is not OK. ("I would have payed you back; you didn't have to call the police.") Then she was equally outraged that we threw her out when she couldn't stay clean, couldn't stop being verbally abusive, and couldn't stop lying and stealing. Somehow none of this was her fault. I can say that over time, she cooled down and now claims to love us rather than hate us - so there's that. I have no experience with the kid situation, though.
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Old 12-23-2007, 11:31 PM
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One thing that is really helping me is attending meetings when there is a speaker from NA. Their sharing, hitting bottom (usually when family stops enabling), and recovery keeps giving me hope.
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Old 12-24-2007, 06:12 AM
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As for my mom, she'll have to find her support from other sources. I think she wants the peace through me and relaying the messages, meeting discussions, etc. and I've stressed that she has to find it within herself.
Guess I should have said try to be understanding instead of supportive. Cause I didn't mean for you to relay messages, meeting, etc.
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Old 12-24-2007, 12:16 PM
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I understand what you meant.
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Old 12-24-2007, 12:20 PM
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Update..My sister called collect and my dad will be picking her up after he gets off of work. (If she's there and willing to go when he gets there.) I knew she'd call because of Christmas with her daughter.

He's also going to tell her that if she doesn't go to her doctor appt. on Wed. and leaves the house before then, she'll be on her own without their help. My dad doesn't want to give her the car, so one of us will be taking her if she decides to follow through.

Wishing a peaceful holiday for all! I will have one no matter what! It's always my choice to stay connected to my serenity.
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Old 12-26-2007, 11:23 AM
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Seems like your dad is drawing the boundry, a good step. YOu and your family are in my prayers,
susan
:praying
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Old 12-26-2007, 03:11 PM
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My dad picked up my sister on Christmas Eve. She's such a mess and pretty much the poison is just eating away at her both physically and mentally. We had a nice Christmas for my niece, though. That's what mattered most to me.

Well, after opening the gifts and playing for a little bit, my dad gave in and gave my sister the car to go see her bf at 1 p.m. on Christmas Day, she hasn't been back since then. I really think my sister just wanted to be here so she wouldn't have to feel guilty for not seeing her daughter on Christmas. Then she manipulated the emotional side of my dad, especially on the holiday and he let her go with conditions. I just silently shook my head and said some prayers.
I just want to scream I told you so to my parents, but they already know. My dad keeps saying he just wanted to give her a chance. I think his denial is breaking a little more each time. How many times/chances will it take????

I honestly just want to hibernate for a little of my winter break and be away from the family stuff.

Thanks for everyone's prayers and thoughts.
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Old 12-26-2007, 03:24 PM
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It took a lot of chances before I let go of my daughter. It takes what it takes and your dad will get there. When you love your child it is so hard. Taking care of you is the best gift you can give yourself right now. Hugs, Marle
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Old 12-26-2007, 03:30 PM
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(((aztchr)))

I guess it takes as many times as it takes until he's had enough....hope it's soon.

I totally understand wanting to hibernate....I'm hibernating today in my room with my laptop, SR, and my cat Sometimes that's what we need....a little down time, away from the chaos. Just concentrate on taking care of you, okay?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 12-26-2007, 09:42 PM
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Yep I remember the old lets take the car an not bring it back trick. AD seemed to do that more when she was using crack than when she was heroin. My husband had a hard time realizing his daughter is an addict. He always said she was young an doing stupid things, an that he hoped she'd grow up before she got killed.
It's so hard being a parent of an addict you love them an don't want to turn your back on them, yet you have to let them fall. Sending prayers for you an your family.
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