Abundance

I have been in a marriage where I finally made the choice to leave my AH. 10 years later ... I wind up in a relationship with an addict.

I'll be honest... my threshold for wanting to stay and see it through.... is so much lower.

To all of you who are married to addicts... it makes me feel bad because it's so much easier to leave when you aren't married. Not emotionally... but on a practical level... and there aren't the vows.... for better... for worse. Those are what got me the most. I was the most supportive wife in those rehab family meetings! Leaving my AH 10 years ago, I thought was the hardest thing in life!

BUT in the last 10 years..... there have been way harder times.... I'd have to say my baby having heart surgery as an infant was pretty damn hard! I couldn't imagine how I would have dealt with that on top of an addictive husband!

I suppose my point is... don't put other demands on yourself that aren't necessary. You are not bound by God - to stay in the dysfunction. And work on yourself... why the laws of attraction?... so that it doesn't happen again!

I'm now single for the first time since I was in high school! I'm going to be 35 in less than a month.... I'm scared of being alone, but at the same time... I'm also embracing it... because I no longer have to deal with all of the crap that goes along with being involved with an addict.

Right this second... I feel strong.... however, when the boys leave on Christmas Eve night to be with their dad... and I am truly on my own... I may not feel the same way. I am prepared for that... I have friends/family to call on a moments notice that I can spend time with!

Just re -reading that last sentence... i see so much of me not only giving my advice - but taking it... as the same kind of advice I gave him when he was going through withdrawals.... I have a plan..... he didn't. He just figured that not using ... and BAM! - his life will be all better. Just like me leaving the addiction/ relationship... isn't going to BAM make my life better... I have to be the one making my life better! Making plans... and having a back up plan for the impending want/need to be in contact with him..... and not doing it per having a plan in place!

Mind over matter !

And in saying that..... I do know from experience that being married is so much different than having a long distance boy friend..... my emotions are the same; however, I just don't have to answer the phone if he calls.... I don't have kids or assets/debts to worry about... and I don't want to ever have to worry about that again!

hope213

i hope you have a very merry christmas. take this time for your self & enjoy the day. you are going to be fine. you deserve the best & it is out there. we r here if you need us but i think you will get wrapped up in the season doing the things you enjoy. hugs & prayers to you my friend.

Stellargirl

Wow, I have been single most of my life. I am 30. Only 2 relationships long term. 1 for 1.5 years and the last with the XABF almost a year, not even. Wow, 35 and never been single? Do you get out of one and jump right into another? That doesn't seem to be the best method for you (or anybody, IMHO). You must develop you! Who are you? Do you know?

Time to explore!!! You! Don't be scared, I bet your really quite special!

I know it can be scary to be alone and single esp. when it is so foreign, BUT trust me! Once you do finally embrace it, it's one of the most wonderful things in the world. I swear. You have freedom! You can do what YOU want, of course you have your boys but you have family that can watch them if you want/need/ MAKE time for yourself!

Imagine: a long hot bath and a good book! A walk in the park with the sun shining on your face. A bike ride to the ice cream store. A movie with no annoying friend comments. Food made just the way YOU like it.
The list can go on.

I know what you are feeling/saying. Though I am familiar with being single I became codependent in this last relationship and I am having to...relearn why its great to be single.

I remember in my early 20's, when I lived alone, reading many books on solitude and how to embrace it. Do you like to read?

I think it was by Thomas Moore. But there are other books out there.
Honestly, embracing being alone is truly a life enhancing mindset, since being human is a rather solitary adventure. Unless, you're schizophrenic and have others voices in your head. hehe. Trust you will make peace with being single and as far as "alone". Well, you may not have a love partner but you have some boys (and friends/family-which last longer than partners many times) and that can only help you not feel alone, I imagine.

What is something you've always wanted to do but always had excuses not too? Take a class for writing? or Run a marathon or Take a cooking class? Go to Yoga? or What? I am sure you can think of something and NOW, once you have moved past the pain of the XABF, you will have the time to do these things instead of wasting it on someone who doesn't love themselves and therefore doesn't know how to love you.


Much love and hugs,

SG

Abundance

Went out and bought "co-dependent no more"... I'm trying ..........

I think I attract addicts because I sense that something is wrong and I am immediately challenged by it..... since it's just not all out there in the open So it's a challenge. And then they like it because they like the attention... of me trying to figure them out.... giving them so much attention and what is perceived as love. (I'm thinking it's love, but it ain't love baby... it's addiction)

I'm on day 3 ..... no contact for either one of us. It's making it a bit easier, probably a lot easier. I do have pangs of wondering what he is up to, and questioning if we were really in love... and if he is missing me. But I try very hard to no obsess over it. At least my obsessing can be used on reading CNM.

My folks arranged Santa to come a night early - since they will be at their dad's tomorrow night (christmas eve).... I don't have the connection to Santa like my folks, must be an AARP deal... dunno...... but the boys are super stoked on it!

I wonder if you all think I'm a loon..... cause I don't censor ... I don't think before I type... my fingers are just a tool to speak all the thoughts in my head.. and feelings in my heart.

Pretty soon... I'm hoping that when I type in here... it's going to be only about me..... and not him/us... then i will see recovery taking place. Right now I'm just initiating it.... and saying I'm "done"..... and having feelings for him at the same time..... they are starting to become back ground noise now...

Happy early Christmas Eve