Confusion, cycle of codependents?
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Confusion, cycle of codependents?
Hi all,
I am so confused by myself right now. I have no idea why but I really want to forgive my XABF and still be his friend...???
(After he lied to me about his coke use and told me how he would cut back on the drinking but never did. I can't believe how many mind games he pulled over on me, not that I am innocent but I didn't intentionally manipulate him ever.)
Yet, I feel so much pity for him and I know if I was to talk to him that would come out and he would be upset at me for "making" him feel guilty. It always has pissed me off when people say You make me feel....
To that my reply is an awesome quote:
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Eleanor Roosevelt I think. But not everyone really "gets it".
Anyway, I think maybe I am just missing him, we broke up 2 weeks ago but it feels just like yesterday sometimes and I have a lonely heart.
Perhaps, this all stems from the fact of my low self-worth? feeling like I am damaged goods since I can't have babies? I thought we could have a wonderful like together but I was the only one working toward that. He was fine with taking the easy way...whatever falls in his lap. He always wanted to be where the party was and and and....ahhhh.
Hurt, sad, and lonely, mixed with anger. One day I will be fine.
Why do addicts think its fine to lie to those they love? How do they live with the pain they know they are causing? Perhaps that is why recovery is so hard, because they have to face up to what they have been running from for years. My XABF would often say I made him feel guilty, I guess for his poor choices, I seemed to be the only positive source in his life.
I am confused if I really loved this guy. I think I did. I feel like I still love and care about him but I have to move on for my own sanity and because I deserve better. I've often envisioned my life and being married to an alcoholic/addict is not what I want for myself.
Did I really love him? Am I capable of loving someone? I was so critical of him...I need to learn to be less critical. I wish I could still be in contact and not get dragged into his life again but I don't think I can and he would probably lie to me often anyway, so whats the point?
Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest things us humans have to do. I have survived knowing I can't give birth, I have survived being raised by a single mom, I will survive this breakup.
I realize I have some codependeny traits to work on and I am glad I can vent here when I feel so alone right now. I just need to vent/air. THANK YOU!
SG
I am so confused by myself right now. I have no idea why but I really want to forgive my XABF and still be his friend...???
(After he lied to me about his coke use and told me how he would cut back on the drinking but never did. I can't believe how many mind games he pulled over on me, not that I am innocent but I didn't intentionally manipulate him ever.)
Yet, I feel so much pity for him and I know if I was to talk to him that would come out and he would be upset at me for "making" him feel guilty. It always has pissed me off when people say You make me feel....
To that my reply is an awesome quote:
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Eleanor Roosevelt I think. But not everyone really "gets it".
Anyway, I think maybe I am just missing him, we broke up 2 weeks ago but it feels just like yesterday sometimes and I have a lonely heart.
Perhaps, this all stems from the fact of my low self-worth? feeling like I am damaged goods since I can't have babies? I thought we could have a wonderful like together but I was the only one working toward that. He was fine with taking the easy way...whatever falls in his lap. He always wanted to be where the party was and and and....ahhhh.
Hurt, sad, and lonely, mixed with anger. One day I will be fine.
Why do addicts think its fine to lie to those they love? How do they live with the pain they know they are causing? Perhaps that is why recovery is so hard, because they have to face up to what they have been running from for years. My XABF would often say I made him feel guilty, I guess for his poor choices, I seemed to be the only positive source in his life.
I am confused if I really loved this guy. I think I did. I feel like I still love and care about him but I have to move on for my own sanity and because I deserve better. I've often envisioned my life and being married to an alcoholic/addict is not what I want for myself.
Did I really love him? Am I capable of loving someone? I was so critical of him...I need to learn to be less critical. I wish I could still be in contact and not get dragged into his life again but I don't think I can and he would probably lie to me often anyway, so whats the point?
Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest things us humans have to do. I have survived knowing I can't give birth, I have survived being raised by a single mom, I will survive this breakup.
I realize I have some codependeny traits to work on and I am glad I can vent here when I feel so alone right now. I just need to vent/air. THANK YOU!
SG
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((((Stellargirl)))) Vent away! Welcome to SR. I don't have any answers as to why they do what they do but i want you to know that i and sooo many of us are where you are right now. You sound strong and know what you want and that's great. Have you read the stickies at the top of the pages, they are really helpful. My exabf is an alcoholic and i'm still trying to pick up the pieces since July. It's a very hard thing to deal with and i was lied to, cheat on, and the list goes on. I can't figure any of it out.
Others will be along with some great advice but your at the right place.
hugs to you.
Others will be along with some great advice but your at the right place.
hugs to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
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My daughter and I were communicating and seemingly were on the way to some sort of relationship. When out of the blue she told me that she did not love me. I know that she did it because with a bit of recovery under my belt, I have been loving to her lately. I have let go and let God and no longer have the need to try and shame her, plead with her or beg her to get clean. I have just loved her. I believe addicts like us better when we are mean and trying to control them. That way they feel justified to use. When we show them compassion, they can't accept it because that means that they have to take a look at themselves rather than blaming us. They also do not know how to handle feelings so anytime they are forced to look at themselves, they numb out with their drug of choice. The easy way out. JMHO Hugs, Marle
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Vent away SG... Vent away!!! I know exactly how you are feeling.... I really really do! DO NOT CONTACT HIM! If you feel that you are going to... come here and type out what you would say and how you would hope the conversation to go...
My now EXABF... god I can't believe I'm typing EX, but I am! Anyway... ya know... here is the thing... he would tell me that EVERYONE does drugs... and good luck with finding someone who hasn't or who does them. That really messed with my head... I started to believe it!
Why do they lie and not show us all the cards??? Because they know that they have a good woman... who is going to leave as soon as they know the truth! They are ashamed... and if we know... then we make them feel guilty! I would doubt myself and say I'm sorry for not being so cool... being this fuddy duddy that doesn't put sh!t up my nose.... the people he did it with.. you'd honestly never know they used drugs.... that was another thing that freaked me out. Hmmm maybe everyone does use and just not openly talk about it! ???
Fortunately, my friends don't do drugs! Unfortunately... 3 out of 4 of my relationships have been with addicts! That concerns me! When I left my AH... I went to therapy and learned about co-dependence. This was 10 years ago... and I thank goodness wound up having my boys with the only one guy I have been with that was not an addict. Now, that is a story in itself, but the boys have such a good dad in comparison to the types of men I have been involved with. These other 3 men would have not paid child support and not kept a regimen with having the boys every other weekend. It's sad really.
What is crazy to me... is that just 2 days ago ... I was saying I love you and that I'm here from you. But when he went out with these guys on Thursday night... that was it for me! The writing was on the wall, and this time... I was finally reading it!
And this place... it holds me accountable... for not only who I am, but how I handle this situation.... and I do feel a bit sick to my stomach when i read through past threads/posts... thinking OMG... what an idiot I am! But I'm not an idiot... I'm venting here... and it's better that I do it here instead of rationalizing it all with him. There is no longer a point to do that.
Like you.... I know what I want in a mate... who I want as a life partner, and a drug addict is certainly not on that list!
(((HUGS))) to you SG.... come here and vent... do not contact him... and I'm going to do the same!
My now EXABF... god I can't believe I'm typing EX, but I am! Anyway... ya know... here is the thing... he would tell me that EVERYONE does drugs... and good luck with finding someone who hasn't or who does them. That really messed with my head... I started to believe it!
Why do they lie and not show us all the cards??? Because they know that they have a good woman... who is going to leave as soon as they know the truth! They are ashamed... and if we know... then we make them feel guilty! I would doubt myself and say I'm sorry for not being so cool... being this fuddy duddy that doesn't put sh!t up my nose.... the people he did it with.. you'd honestly never know they used drugs.... that was another thing that freaked me out. Hmmm maybe everyone does use and just not openly talk about it! ???
Fortunately, my friends don't do drugs! Unfortunately... 3 out of 4 of my relationships have been with addicts! That concerns me! When I left my AH... I went to therapy and learned about co-dependence. This was 10 years ago... and I thank goodness wound up having my boys with the only one guy I have been with that was not an addict. Now, that is a story in itself, but the boys have such a good dad in comparison to the types of men I have been involved with. These other 3 men would have not paid child support and not kept a regimen with having the boys every other weekend. It's sad really.
What is crazy to me... is that just 2 days ago ... I was saying I love you and that I'm here from you. But when he went out with these guys on Thursday night... that was it for me! The writing was on the wall, and this time... I was finally reading it!
And this place... it holds me accountable... for not only who I am, but how I handle this situation.... and I do feel a bit sick to my stomach when i read through past threads/posts... thinking OMG... what an idiot I am! But I'm not an idiot... I'm venting here... and it's better that I do it here instead of rationalizing it all with him. There is no longer a point to do that.
Like you.... I know what I want in a mate... who I want as a life partner, and a drug addict is certainly not on that list!
(((HUGS))) to you SG.... come here and vent... do not contact him... and I'm going to do the same!
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OH and what I have come up with... is the time that I have to myself and to focus on me and my successes and failures... it truly scares the hell out of me... therefor I escape into other peoples problems... and so if a companion is a non - issue... I get bored! So.. clearly I have some things I need to work on with myself!
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THANKS, i needed that.
Oh, Abundance! You are so right and I can so relate:
YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD! I am sure my ex knew I would leave if I knew he used hard drugs. That is why they hide it, but it still sucks. I am glad I found out though because the relationship was over and this made it easier to go. Ya know?
I am confused on which friends do it too and so I am unsure what to do. I am nor ready nor to I want to lose all those friendships. Part of me thinks I should though, because if I hang out with them my lying (yes, say it girl) ex might show up.
I don't get what you mean? y
I am so glad you could finally see the writing on the wall. It kinda worked like that for me to. I gave him an ultimatum to quit and he said. Well, if you don't like it you don't have to talk to me then! I was like fine. You are an alcoholic and this is gonna come up again and again in your life. He said oh thanks for making me feel guilty. Pssh, whatever!
We said goodbye and that was that. There has been one another phone call when he thought I was having someone prank him~I'll tell you about that later. I need to go.
But Thank you for your advice and replies and you do the same:
or call a friend!
I am wondering though: 3 out 4 addicts? Why do you think you attract addicts?
Bye for now,
SG
Why do they lie and not show us all the cards??? Because they know that they have a good woman... who is going to leave as soon as they know the truth! They are ashamed... and if we know... then we make them feel guilty! I would doubt myself and say I'm sorry for not being so cool... being this fuddy duddy that doesn't put sh!t up my nose.... the people he did it with.. you'd honestly never know they used drugs.... that was another thing that freaked me out. Hmmm maybe everyone does use and just not openly talk about it! ???
I am confused on which friends do it too and so I am unsure what to do. I am nor ready nor to I want to lose all those friendships. Part of me thinks I should though, because if I hang out with them my lying (yes, say it girl) ex might show up.
and so if a companion is a non - issue... I get bored
I am so glad you could finally see the writing on the wall. It kinda worked like that for me to. I gave him an ultimatum to quit and he said. Well, if you don't like it you don't have to talk to me then! I was like fine. You are an alcoholic and this is gonna come up again and again in your life. He said oh thanks for making me feel guilty. Pssh, whatever!
We said goodbye and that was that. There has been one another phone call when he thought I was having someone prank him~I'll tell you about that later. I need to go.
But Thank you for your advice and replies and you do the same:
DO NOT CONTACT HIM! If you feel that you are going to... come here and type out what you would say and how you would hope the conversation to go...
I am wondering though: 3 out 4 addicts? Why do you think you attract addicts?
Bye for now,
SG
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Okay, so instead of allowing my desire to call him go on. I will write here.
It is sunday morning. Some mornings I wake up and he isn't the first thing on my mind but today he is. I feel hurt. I want to say: How could you do this to me? You said you cared and loved me! You haven't a clue what that means!
You hid your drug addiction from me the entire time!?! I know you did this because you know our relationship would have ended if I found out, esp. if you weren't willing to give it all up. and I feel sad. I feel terribly depressed that he going to continue on his irresponsible ways and do something dumb and end up dead. It hurts to think that he could die and that all this time I spent loving and caring about him and all for nothing. Not even a friendship. I am shocked that he uses and that all his friends use and that they have , esp. his best friend who is his ex-girlfriend from years ago(who was often trying to befriend me-sort of, I realize now she never did really want me to get close, now I see why!) that they all use likely every weekend, I'm guessing. He was never good enough for me, not smart enough at all! Yet, I accepted that?! Because of his other qualities. I can't wait till I don't even think he's cute anymore. For some unknown reason, the thought of him and Lisa getting it on, being intimate, comes to my mind and sickens me. I know I will never date a guy who is such great friends with his ex. They can be friends but not best friends, thats weird.
On a total different note, my roommate is driving me crazy by doing dishes every morning! I stay up late and sleep in, I am a night owl and those darn dishes are noisy! ahh!
I went out last night and met up with a friend. Guy friend, I was hoping we could just be friends but he is acting like he has a crush on me so...we will see if I have to "have the talk". He is friends with my ex (small town) and asked me not to ask about or talk about my ex anymore. We all went to his house after the bars and I made sure my ex wouldn't be there and he said no. My roommate are kinda mad at him right now. I said. why? He said because of the drugs. I said but it's my ex's roommate more than my ex who has them. He said yes, but its my ex who would come over, since dealer guy isn't as social. I said, I see. This was before he asked me not to talk about my ex anymore.
It is hard to find guys that will just be my friend, I am a decently attractive girl and I generally like myself, so it can be hard to find guy friends. which is all I am wanting now. I'd like some girlfriends too but haven't had too much luck with that in this town presently.
Gosh that was good to get off my chest.
On other note, I have some christmas festivities to go to tonight and I am really looking forward to it! One of them is at the house I lived with my ex at ( i moved out nov.1), he moved out a few weeks ago but still has some stuff there, including a key. I don't think his old roommates will have invited him, I got along better with them then he did! But it is sunday, his day off and I am just hoping he doesn't stop by for his stuff. Or if he sees my car, just keeps driving by. I like those people, plus new friends are needed.
More later,
SG
It is sunday morning. Some mornings I wake up and he isn't the first thing on my mind but today he is. I feel hurt. I want to say: How could you do this to me? You said you cared and loved me! You haven't a clue what that means!
You hid your drug addiction from me the entire time!?! I know you did this because you know our relationship would have ended if I found out, esp. if you weren't willing to give it all up. and I feel sad. I feel terribly depressed that he going to continue on his irresponsible ways and do something dumb and end up dead. It hurts to think that he could die and that all this time I spent loving and caring about him and all for nothing. Not even a friendship. I am shocked that he uses and that all his friends use and that they have , esp. his best friend who is his ex-girlfriend from years ago(who was often trying to befriend me-sort of, I realize now she never did really want me to get close, now I see why!) that they all use likely every weekend, I'm guessing. He was never good enough for me, not smart enough at all! Yet, I accepted that?! Because of his other qualities. I can't wait till I don't even think he's cute anymore. For some unknown reason, the thought of him and Lisa getting it on, being intimate, comes to my mind and sickens me. I know I will never date a guy who is such great friends with his ex. They can be friends but not best friends, thats weird.
On a total different note, my roommate is driving me crazy by doing dishes every morning! I stay up late and sleep in, I am a night owl and those darn dishes are noisy! ahh!
I went out last night and met up with a friend. Guy friend, I was hoping we could just be friends but he is acting like he has a crush on me so...we will see if I have to "have the talk". He is friends with my ex (small town) and asked me not to ask about or talk about my ex anymore. We all went to his house after the bars and I made sure my ex wouldn't be there and he said no. My roommate are kinda mad at him right now. I said. why? He said because of the drugs. I said but it's my ex's roommate more than my ex who has them. He said yes, but its my ex who would come over, since dealer guy isn't as social. I said, I see. This was before he asked me not to talk about my ex anymore.
It is hard to find guys that will just be my friend, I am a decently attractive girl and I generally like myself, so it can be hard to find guy friends. which is all I am wanting now. I'd like some girlfriends too but haven't had too much luck with that in this town presently.
Gosh that was good to get off my chest.
On other note, I have some christmas festivities to go to tonight and I am really looking forward to it! One of them is at the house I lived with my ex at ( i moved out nov.1), he moved out a few weeks ago but still has some stuff there, including a key. I don't think his old roommates will have invited him, I got along better with them then he did! But it is sunday, his day off and I am just hoping he doesn't stop by for his stuff. Or if he sees my car, just keeps driving by. I like those people, plus new friends are needed.
More later,
SG
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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I've been reading co-dependency no more and I had to skip the chapter on having a love affair with myself. I already do love myself, for the most part. I think I have high self esteem, I do have bouts of insecurity due to not being able to give birth (being "different"). But for the most part I like me, so I am a little confused on why I was so blinded by love with my ex. Why I didn't listen to my intuition when it was telling me he is the wrong guy for me. Was I desperate for some love? I have been single most of my adult life, I am usually quit picky. But I guess he is a charmer and I fell hook line and sinker. OH! lightbulb! Many of the guys I have fallen for have been charmers! hmm.
Perhaps I was desperate?!? When I came to this town my plan was to work on me, that was a year ago. I allowed myself to be distracted by a love affair and now I am truly working on me but now I am a more "broken" me.
all words welcome.
Perhaps I was desperate?!? When I came to this town my plan was to work on me, that was a year ago. I allowed myself to be distracted by a love affair and now I am truly working on me but now I am a more "broken" me.
all words welcome.
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Oh, this is another thing I have been wondering.
What do you do when you want to tell his friends and family about his addiction/alcoholism? I suppose I need to fight this urge, since it would be done for only partially the "right" reasons. Has anyone been here? Done it? What happened?
or not done it and glad they didn't.
I guess it means I am still obsessing instead of focusing on me. lame.
Come to think of it, He is not my problem anymore. I must wash my hands of this, which I know all you know is hard to do with someone you love. Another sad thing is I don't think there is anyone else in his life that would ever be interested in doing an intervention for him, I am sure his family is in denial or MAYBE unaware. It's so sad.
What do you do when you want to tell his friends and family about his addiction/alcoholism? I suppose I need to fight this urge, since it would be done for only partially the "right" reasons. Has anyone been here? Done it? What happened?
or not done it and glad they didn't.
I guess it means I am still obsessing instead of focusing on me. lame.
Come to think of it, He is not my problem anymore. I must wash my hands of this, which I know all you know is hard to do with someone you love. Another sad thing is I don't think there is anyone else in his life that would ever be interested in doing an intervention for him, I am sure his family is in denial or MAYBE unaware. It's so sad.
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In my case his sisters both asked me what was wrong? We seemed so happy!
I told them he was still doing drugs (they thought he ahd been clean for years tho they had questions.. the sames ones I should ahve asked b4 getting involved with him.. but I digress. I told them he likely had a side girl (his MO). Fact is, anyone who asked I told them he was a drug addict. I STILL tell anyone who asks and I still get asked.
He was extremely upset that I revealed this factoid. Well TS is my attitude. Your problem. If you had people fooled with your lying, well then this is the consequences of your lying when the truth comes out.
I have NO QUALMS about anything I have said or done. Lets face it, if they were not addicts none of this would be a secret because there would be nothing to hide.
His being an addict is his problem. Personally, if my telling people (when they ask, "what happened?") takes him down to the bottom, well so be it. If my telling people embarasses him, so be it. I really do not care. Not my problem. His problem. I got a life to live and it does not include him or his problem..
I told them he was still doing drugs (they thought he ahd been clean for years tho they had questions.. the sames ones I should ahve asked b4 getting involved with him.. but I digress. I told them he likely had a side girl (his MO). Fact is, anyone who asked I told them he was a drug addict. I STILL tell anyone who asks and I still get asked.
He was extremely upset that I revealed this factoid. Well TS is my attitude. Your problem. If you had people fooled with your lying, well then this is the consequences of your lying when the truth comes out.
I have NO QUALMS about anything I have said or done. Lets face it, if they were not addicts none of this would be a secret because there would be nothing to hide.
His being an addict is his problem. Personally, if my telling people (when they ask, "what happened?") takes him down to the bottom, well so be it. If my telling people embarasses him, so be it. I really do not care. Not my problem. His problem. I got a life to live and it does not include him or his problem..
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AWESOME, that was so great to read!
I think my anti-coke stance is the way to be in this town if I am to find the kind of friends I am looking for. I can't even believe I have to say that, I NEVER thought it would even be an issue in my life. I guess I nedd to start hanging out in other places besides the bars? Ha-Ha. I know. However, I do realize I need to branch out and look in new places. I am working on this! Joined a veggie group and looking into others.
I am glad you have decided what works for you. I will think this over more. But I have to say, I am in agreement. If he didn't want me to tell anyone , thats TS because they asked why we broke up and that is the reason I feel we did.
He didn't do anything to defend the fact that he only uses sometimes. There was no real remorse for his use~well, kinda. But anyway,
[QUOTE]well then this is the consequences of your lying when the truth comes out. [/QUOTE
Yes, yes, yes.
SG
I think my anti-coke stance is the way to be in this town if I am to find the kind of friends I am looking for. I can't even believe I have to say that, I NEVER thought it would even be an issue in my life. I guess I nedd to start hanging out in other places besides the bars? Ha-Ha. I know. However, I do realize I need to branch out and look in new places. I am working on this! Joined a veggie group and looking into others.
I am glad you have decided what works for you. I will think this over more. But I have to say, I am in agreement. If he didn't want me to tell anyone , thats TS because they asked why we broke up and that is the reason I feel we did.
He didn't do anything to defend the fact that he only uses sometimes. There was no real remorse for his use~well, kinda. But anyway,
[QUOTE]well then this is the consequences of your lying when the truth comes out. [/QUOTE
Yes, yes, yes.
SG
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When I left my AH... I told everyone... they couldn't believe it! I mean ... we were such a great couple in the eyes of so many! It's because I was the good wife that enabled him.... didn't let anyone know the dark secret.
When i told my exabf that i let people know the real reason for the divorce... i remember he was so shocked... like... i can't believe you did that! I'm sure he is really worried about me doing the same with him.
I've been wondering the same thing about his family... do I let them know? His mom sent me a christmas present ..... it's all so uncomfortable. What do I say... thanks for the present... and I haven't talked with your son.....
My thing is that addicts will try and try to keep everyone at bay... so my thoughts are ......even if i did tell his family... they'd be in denial and think i was the nut case... cause he would make it out that way!
When i told my exabf that i let people know the real reason for the divorce... i remember he was so shocked... like... i can't believe you did that! I'm sure he is really worried about me doing the same with him.
I've been wondering the same thing about his family... do I let them know? His mom sent me a christmas present ..... it's all so uncomfortable. What do I say... thanks for the present... and I haven't talked with your son.....
My thing is that addicts will try and try to keep everyone at bay... so my thoughts are ......even if i did tell his family... they'd be in denial and think i was the nut case... cause he would make it out that way!
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Yeah, if you figure it's going to end anyway. Why not tell his family? Maybe they already suspect it? Perhaps they will stay in denial. But at least you did what you could for someone you loved, right?
I don't know perhaps its better to just move on. Telling is still focusing on him instead of ourselves.
I won't, but want to mail an anonymous letter to his parents that says.
Your son, C******, is an alcoholic and coke addict. He needs you help.
Signed, from someone who used to care.
A friend.
His parents may disown him if they found out, but then maybe he'd get his **** togther....or maybe he would get worse. Hard to tell.
It's just so hard to watch someone you love, and thought you'd be with for a long time, waste his life away doing nothing but partying. At least he has maintained his part time, min. wage job the whole time I know him. But thats a dead end track.
And I want to tell his (our) friends via myspace-esp. the friend of his who I think in his messed up head he thinks they could end up together(female). I always knew he had more than friendly feelings for her but he wouldn't admit it. After I hung out with her for the first time, I asked him if they had ever slept together. He told me no, but about a month later he let it slip that in fact they had. I asked if its not big deal, it was over 2 years ago and only slept togther twice, then why did you have to lie about it? This was when we first starting dating. he had some okay excuses, about her sister finding out, etc~but but still I think he has unresolved feelings for her. She is way out of his league-he seems to get girls that are out of his league, he's cute but not that cute. I think its because he's such a charmer and rushes into things and many women don't use their heads so well after they have sex with someone they like. At least thats the case for me. Anyway, I really want to tell this woman, that C*****, isn't who she thinks he is. He is a liar, alcoholic/coke addict. I know she knows he is unambitious and poor, but she probably didn't realize thats related to a drug problem. Or maybe she did, does know. I dunno. I did read an email of his (I know thats bad, but I did it) once that in which he told her about me: Yeah, she's cool,. I really don't know where it's going though. and he even wrote her we were "sorta hanging out" when we were LIVING TOGETHER. ???!
I gave my whole heart, so it pisses me off to no end that he didn't, that he was telling her, we were "hanging out" when I was living with him! But I don't think addicts can even give their whole heart. I have been thinking of the long tern consequences of coke use and alcohol and it got me thinking about why my ex wasn't so smart. I always told myself thats okay, he has a heart of gold. But NOW, after the lies, betrayal and deception. I realize it was FOOL's gold! haha.
OH! I am so glad to be done with this jerk, this *******, this loser! AHHH!
I feel vengeful and its sucks! I want his friends and family to know that he choose to stay an addict and drinker instead of trying to make a relationship work with me, after I moved to another state for him. AHHH!
So, to tell the family/friends or not? I would be ...vindicated and yet spiteful at the same time. Even though he hasn't taken "the high road", (ha-ha no pun intended). I think I still want to. Karma does exist.
So, perhaps it comes down to the intentions of telling others.
I have no problems telling his/our "bar" friends if they ask, but going out of my way for family and emailing friends might just keep me involved instead. But man, it would be great to get an email back from that girl and her sis, saying they believe me and feel bad that I am in this situation.
You are strong, Abundance, it's time to stop falling for addicts!
and I will be doing the same!
SG
I don't know perhaps its better to just move on. Telling is still focusing on him instead of ourselves.
I won't, but want to mail an anonymous letter to his parents that says.
Your son, C******, is an alcoholic and coke addict. He needs you help.
Signed, from someone who used to care.
A friend.
His parents may disown him if they found out, but then maybe he'd get his **** togther....or maybe he would get worse. Hard to tell.
It's just so hard to watch someone you love, and thought you'd be with for a long time, waste his life away doing nothing but partying. At least he has maintained his part time, min. wage job the whole time I know him. But thats a dead end track.
And I want to tell his (our) friends via myspace-esp. the friend of his who I think in his messed up head he thinks they could end up together(female). I always knew he had more than friendly feelings for her but he wouldn't admit it. After I hung out with her for the first time, I asked him if they had ever slept together. He told me no, but about a month later he let it slip that in fact they had. I asked if its not big deal, it was over 2 years ago and only slept togther twice, then why did you have to lie about it? This was when we first starting dating. he had some okay excuses, about her sister finding out, etc~but but still I think he has unresolved feelings for her. She is way out of his league-he seems to get girls that are out of his league, he's cute but not that cute. I think its because he's such a charmer and rushes into things and many women don't use their heads so well after they have sex with someone they like. At least thats the case for me. Anyway, I really want to tell this woman, that C*****, isn't who she thinks he is. He is a liar, alcoholic/coke addict. I know she knows he is unambitious and poor, but she probably didn't realize thats related to a drug problem. Or maybe she did, does know. I dunno. I did read an email of his (I know thats bad, but I did it) once that in which he told her about me: Yeah, she's cool,. I really don't know where it's going though. and he even wrote her we were "sorta hanging out" when we were LIVING TOGETHER. ???!
I gave my whole heart, so it pisses me off to no end that he didn't, that he was telling her, we were "hanging out" when I was living with him! But I don't think addicts can even give their whole heart. I have been thinking of the long tern consequences of coke use and alcohol and it got me thinking about why my ex wasn't so smart. I always told myself thats okay, he has a heart of gold. But NOW, after the lies, betrayal and deception. I realize it was FOOL's gold! haha.
OH! I am so glad to be done with this jerk, this *******, this loser! AHHH!
I feel vengeful and its sucks! I want his friends and family to know that he choose to stay an addict and drinker instead of trying to make a relationship work with me, after I moved to another state for him. AHHH!
So, to tell the family/friends or not? I would be ...vindicated and yet spiteful at the same time. Even though he hasn't taken "the high road", (ha-ha no pun intended). I think I still want to. Karma does exist.
So, perhaps it comes down to the intentions of telling others.
I have no problems telling his/our "bar" friends if they ask, but going out of my way for family and emailing friends might just keep me involved instead. But man, it would be great to get an email back from that girl and her sis, saying they believe me and feel bad that I am in this situation.
You are strong, Abundance, it's time to stop falling for addicts!
and I will be doing the same!
SG
Wanting a new life
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 27
Wow...you and I have a lot in common. I just broke up with my ABF and I'm going through a few of the same feelings...really sad, lonely, angry, hurt, confused. I'm still struggling with this break up and wondering if it was the right thing. In my mind I know it was, but my heart doesn't seem to feel the same way. We broke up just yesterday and now I must take it one day at a time.
I also wonder why addicts lie and hurt the people that continue to be there for them and help them. I also agree that maybe that is why they don't want to recover because that means facing up to all the lies and hurt that they caused.
Good luck and stay positive...I know things will get better for you!!!
I also wonder why addicts lie and hurt the people that continue to be there for them and help them. I also agree that maybe that is why they don't want to recover because that means facing up to all the lies and hurt that they caused.
Good luck and stay positive...I know things will get better for you!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 92
nice, anvilhead. That was good to hear!
tell me like it is, I need that.
I can imagine my XABF saying what you just said and it makes me see him for the pathetic loser that he is, man though it hurts to write that because I still love him. darnit!
tell me like it is, I need that.
I can imagine my XABF saying what you just said and it makes me see him for the pathetic loser that he is, man though it hurts to write that because I still love him. darnit!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
woah anvil.....that is very sincere and real.
I think what our problem is as codies... is that we think that they are lying to hurt us because it does hurt us. If they didn't lie... they wouldn't be hurting us!
So... what do we do? Allow the lies... and just figure ... as long as everyone is happy... carry on. Or do we think for ourselves, that we don't want to even deal with someone who lies?
Was it the lies or the addiction that hurt? Taking away the addition makes the lies not hurt so bad because it is the drug after all that is making them do it... so it's not them per say ... lying... it's the drug ... so remove the drug... no more lies! AH HA! And then ....... what's next? Our roller coaster is stopping..... you are off.... now what?
It's not a blame game...
I think what our problem is as codies... is that we think that they are lying to hurt us because it does hurt us. If they didn't lie... they wouldn't be hurting us!
So... what do we do? Allow the lies... and just figure ... as long as everyone is happy... carry on. Or do we think for ourselves, that we don't want to even deal with someone who lies?
Was it the lies or the addiction that hurt? Taking away the addition makes the lies not hurt so bad because it is the drug after all that is making them do it... so it's not them per say ... lying... it's the drug ... so remove the drug... no more lies! AH HA! And then ....... what's next? Our roller coaster is stopping..... you are off.... now what?
It's not a blame game...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 92
I am not sure that I agree. Whether they are lying because of the addiction or because of whatever, they are lying.
More people in our world need to take responsiblity for their choices and decisions. They choose to use drugs, they allowed themselves to be addicted to drugs, they choose to lie to us, etc.
what anvilhed said was dead on!
I would love to believe OH , if he only would quit the addiction, everything would be fine.
BUT we all know thats not true. Darnit!
Thanks everyone!!!
More people in our world need to take responsiblity for their choices and decisions. They choose to use drugs, they allowed themselves to be addicted to drugs, they choose to lie to us, etc.
what anvilhed said was dead on!
cuz what "you" thought about it me was important, so i wanted to project a good image
cuz if i told you what i was up to, then we'd have to "talk" about it, and you'd probably want me to "do" something about it, and it would go on and on, cuz i don't really wanna DO anything about my "problem" - i just want it to be "my" problem, my secret
cuz if i told you what i was up to, then we'd have to "talk" about it, and you'd probably want me to "do" something about it, and it would go on and on, cuz i don't really wanna DO anything about my "problem" - i just want it to be "my" problem, my secret
BUT we all know thats not true. Darnit!
Thanks everyone!!!
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