BayAreaPhoenix

Wow. What a week. I have slipped, and had some major growth, but it is hard right now. My STBXAH called this week crying could I bring him some food. Right now, I am "living" upstairs. Our house is quite easy to separate, I just don't really have access to the kitchen or laundry unless he's gone. Anyhow, he said he was having a bad day. Since he told me he was going to taper (months ago now) I thought maybe it was a withdrawal thing. But, I don't think 10 soft tacos from Taco Bell are what w/d symptoms would need. Anyhow, then he asked if I could throw out whatever he left at the back door. Turned out they were 70 of the 240 codeine pills he most recently ordered. He doesn't know that I know there were 240 originally. What game was this I wondered, but I didn't ask, just took them and took them to the pharmacy the next day to be disposed of. Then I did something really stupid. I went to our compound pharmacy to ask for some natural things that would help someone either tapering or withdrawing from opiate addiction. Got the stuff together, left it downstairs with a note how and when to take the stuff and knew that I would have to let it go. I felt like I wanted to do something to help, but anything more than that would be full-blown co-de behavior, and I knew I had sort of already crossed the line. Yesterday I get an email at work, "I need you" was all it said, so I raced home (around the block) thinking he's bottomed, he's going to ask for help. Nope, crying in bed, I need you. What do you need me to do I ask, anger that I don't know. Long round about, but I held my ground, kept asking what he wanted. If he made a plan for himself and told me what he needed my help with for that I plan I would see what I could do. Nope, round and round. He says to me, if you asked for my help going through something like this I'd be there for you. Well, let me just say here that end of Aug. or early Sept. I woke up one morning and was done. Finished. I told my husband I was done. I had made no plans, I thought I could try a little longer, but turned out I couldn't. I moved upstairs and we went to counseling a little, although I didn't hold out much hope, my feelings were dead, and looking back - because of my co-de ways, we never really did have much of a relationship. 3 weeks into this, I find out he's buying all this codeine online and he's addicted. So, after years and years of begging him (not knowing I was talking to an addict) to give me the things I needed in our marriage - affection, friendship, sex once in a while (haven't had since 2004), etc. he would continue to say either he didn't want to have to work on it (our relationship) or he would see what he could do. That was the end of it. So, enough was enough. Now, here we are to yesterday and I am watching this man try to manipulate me, he is the IP for the Triangle of Self Obsession come to life, he is doing everything everyone in Alanon and NA said he'd do. Unbelieveable. I left that room crying. Not because I felt responsible, or that I could do something, just because I was sad. There is my growth - but obviously this week I slid without meaning to too. So today, we are crying again. I am leaving shortly to my family for the holidays. I don't know what to say, if anything. I am confused a little. I feel like I'm holding my own, but there is this part of me that wants to scream at him. Last night I did actually, he told me he couldn't deal with me in the house. Again. We've gone through this a dozen times too. I said I will not leave until I find a place to rent or buy that is a home for me, if he didn't like it - he could get out. He has parents, two brothers and a best friend all living in the area who all have room. I don't have those options. He won't leave. He says its my choice to not work on the marriage, my choice to leave our home, etc. I said he made the choice over and over not to work on our marriage, etc. It's the insanity, I know. I am glad I'm leaving for a few days, because I can feel myself getting ready to explode with all the hurt and anger from all the years, and it won't matter and I'll just get more frustrated. Most of the time I can let it go, but when he does this, when he starts acting to pitiful, doesn't go to work, doesn't do anything but sit and cry and thinks that's taking care of himself, telling me he's not an addict, telling me he's almost done with the pills - like that's enough! I just want to scream - I'm taking care of myself, I have a therapist, I go to NA, I go to Alanon, I read heree, I read my books, etc. I am working my tush off and he sits there crying. I know, I know - I have no control - I just don't want to hear it - I don't want to be asked to help him or take care of him one more time, I have done that for years, when does the nerve to keep trying to manipulate me end? Where does this entitlement come from? I know - all rhetorical questions, I just had to get it out. I am nuts. AND, his family does not know. He has not told them about the codeine. They probably just think I'm a B_____ for not leaving the house and letting their little boy suffer! GRRRRRRR. Thanks for listening!

Abundance

(((hugs)))... I'm glad you are going to be getting away for a few days.... it's incredible how pretty much addicts are all the same..... they want immediate gratification in their life! They don't understand that it takes WORK to get control of your life... drugs are not the answer! They just band aid all of the bad... it's escape. And here we are seeing it for what it's worth.

I'm so sorry you are going through this..... spend these few days working out a plan.

When I made the decision to leave my EXAH... it went like this.....

So... you did drugs today eh? (on the phone)... Just tell me... the truth please.


A: sigh... yes I did...... it was pharmaceutical meth. (this was 12 years ago)

Me: okay... so.. it's either me or the drugs... which is it?

A: Drugs!

Me: Okay... I understand (this conversation was the last of SO MANY!)... I want your things out of the house tomorrow morning.

A: That's fair.

I then... opened up my budget... and immediately made a plan... how to do this on my own! RIGHT AWAY.... I went full force with my head... forget about the heart! I drove back to my folks (I was on a biz trip)... and I told them EVERYTHING..... they really had no idea what I had been going through with an addicted husband. They supported me while I lied in bed for 3 days... in a state of shock, that I was moving forward. The beauty of it all though, was that I had a fiscal plan! I KNEW I could survive financially w/out him, and it all I had to do was find a new place to live!

He did end up staying in the house, refusing to leave, arguing over rights to our dog... windows got broken... walls were punched.... and I was there for NONE OF IT!

I got back in touch with him a few years ago... and the one thing he regrets is making that choice..... but he learned that honesty is the most important..... so ... he just tells people... I'm a drug user... my life sucks, I don't intend on it getting better... so I"m going to use until I die. Seriously... that is really his attitude.... and it works for him... because he says.. HEY... I'm being honest! And you know what??? I think that is really good of him.... because then all the cards are on the table. If my now very recent XABF... had said... I love drugs more than I do you and bettering my life.... instead of lying about it and so forth... I would have said BUBBYE.... but he lied and kept me hanging on ... meanwhile I'm thinking I don't know what the hell is going on... what is true... what is not.... and it all just seemed a carbon copy to the marriage I was in 10 years ago!

I'm so glad we didn't get married.... I would have... I truly would have at least asked this man to move in with me 6 months ago! Scary stuff.

Anyway... make a plan... and read what texas just wrote!

(((HUGS)))

BoiledFrog

Hi Codienewife, you are pretty much going through the same things I am going through right not and it is hard. The absolute best thing I have found is to remind myself that someone won't learn to walk again until they throw away their crutch. The crutch is YOU (and me, and all of us here). Every time I feel like I am being mean to him I remember that. There he is crying to me to help him and the answer is NO because any other way stops him from picking HIMSELF up and learning to walk. It helps my naturally-too-kind heart feel better about what I am doing.

take care

BayAreaPhoenix

Thank you for your support and understanding and encouragement. It is so very hard. I haven't been able to be online for a few days so I hadn't been able to check this - but it's so helpful especially today. Found out my STBXAH told a mutual friend yesterday that he was addicted to codeine, was crying and depressed (opiates contributing the majority to that depression I know) and he told her that he told at least one of his brother's and his wife - so they are with him and helping me through this. I hope they give him love and support and all that he needs, I also hope they know to not enable or make it too easy on him as he does not need a new crutch, as you say. There is the reasonable sane part of me that knows if I turned around and said I'll stay married to you and we can try again, it wouldn't actually fix anything. He'd still be miserable. Even if he gets off the codeine, I don't know that he has it in him to go get help for his underlying issues, or to go to meetings, or anything to take care of himself. I have this sense that he feels once he stops the pills, that's it, he's done, he's "cured". It's the work that I don't see him doing - I sincerely hope I'm wrong and he isn't like Abundance's ex - only time will tell. Meantime, thanks so much - right now I need all the support and stories and all that to help me remember what and why I'm doing this to take care of myself.