question for parents
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
question for parents
The good news...I made it to Winter Break and I have a meeting to attend tomorrow.
Things are still very strained with my addicted sister and parents. My mom is so sad right now and really having a difficult time, especially with her relationship with my dad. They are living separate lives in their own home and really just talking when it has to do with my niece. I told my mom that my dad is dealing with everything in his own way and she can really only help herself. My dad can't fix everything for my mom. My dad is isolating whereas my mom wants to have things how they used to be. Everything isn't "perfect" at the house. She's been finding fault with a lot. She's not happy with much. I see how her expectations are causing so much disappointment and anger. Her relationship with my dad and sister is deteriorating and I truly think she only knows the victim/martyr role sometimes. It's difficult for me to be in the middle, so I'm really trying to take myself out of it.
I know there is nothing I can do to help her, except keep reminding her of the positives. I'm keeping up with my own inner spirit and trying to share it with my family. I sent my mom flowers, baked cookies, and will be helping wrap gifts for my niece this weekend. My sister has been gone all week, but at least we've heard from her. I really can't do much more for my mom. She's in a difficult place and can only get out by herself. Maybe she's not ready.
Is it common for parents of addicts/alcoholics to have relationship issues, too? My hope is that they would be stronger together, but I see things unraveling. I think my dad is just trying to detach more and take care of his grandchild. My mom wants my dad for her own emotional support and he's trying to deal with his own issues.
I'm finding so much more inner peace these past few weeks. I really have accepted I can't help anyone. I can be supportive and love them all sometimes from a distance.
I'm still focusing on the good things even though the family stuff can get to me. I wonder what the meeting topic will be tomorrow?
Things are still very strained with my addicted sister and parents. My mom is so sad right now and really having a difficult time, especially with her relationship with my dad. They are living separate lives in their own home and really just talking when it has to do with my niece. I told my mom that my dad is dealing with everything in his own way and she can really only help herself. My dad can't fix everything for my mom. My dad is isolating whereas my mom wants to have things how they used to be. Everything isn't "perfect" at the house. She's been finding fault with a lot. She's not happy with much. I see how her expectations are causing so much disappointment and anger. Her relationship with my dad and sister is deteriorating and I truly think she only knows the victim/martyr role sometimes. It's difficult for me to be in the middle, so I'm really trying to take myself out of it.
I know there is nothing I can do to help her, except keep reminding her of the positives. I'm keeping up with my own inner spirit and trying to share it with my family. I sent my mom flowers, baked cookies, and will be helping wrap gifts for my niece this weekend. My sister has been gone all week, but at least we've heard from her. I really can't do much more for my mom. She's in a difficult place and can only get out by herself. Maybe she's not ready.
Is it common for parents of addicts/alcoholics to have relationship issues, too? My hope is that they would be stronger together, but I see things unraveling. I think my dad is just trying to detach more and take care of his grandchild. My mom wants my dad for her own emotional support and he's trying to deal with his own issues.
I'm finding so much more inner peace these past few weeks. I really have accepted I can't help anyone. I can be supportive and love them all sometimes from a distance.
I'm still focusing on the good things even though the family stuff can get to me. I wonder what the meeting topic will be tomorrow?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
I can only share my own experience with this. My husband is my AD's stepdad (her biological dad has never been in her life), and that may play into his reactions somewhat.
When we first discovered her drug use and the extent of it, we were both on the same page - ANGER! She had stolen and lied and manipulated and she would suffer the consequences! So that was OK for the relationship.
Then, when my daughter got worse, was living on the street, prostituting, etc. I was way past anger and just wanted her to stop using. Often all I wanted was for her to call and let me know she was alive. My husband, on the other hand, stayed stuck on anger and merely wanted "justice".
Last spring when she surfaced and tried to get clean, my husband became very anxious and even more angry. It finally came out that he considered her a threat to him, his possessions, his home, his peace of mind - and that was primarily where he was coming from. I , on the other hand, was wearing myself out trying to find placement for her and be supportive. My husband was very resentful that I spend most of my energy on her and not with him, since he hadn't stole, lied, cheated, etc. and she had.We were damn near close to splitting up around that time.
At present, we are closer to being on the same page again. My husband has agreed to see her on Christmas and we both agree that should take place somewhere other than our home as long as she is still using. He has agreed not to call the cops to arrest her for her outstanding warrants the second he sees her! I have set some limits on how much of my time and energy she will take away from the relationship with him.
We survived. the marriage survived. And there were many times that my husband was very supportive to me throughout the whole thing. But, no I couldn't say my daughter's addiction made the marriage stronger. it was definately a stressor to the marriage.
When we first discovered her drug use and the extent of it, we were both on the same page - ANGER! She had stolen and lied and manipulated and she would suffer the consequences! So that was OK for the relationship.
Then, when my daughter got worse, was living on the street, prostituting, etc. I was way past anger and just wanted her to stop using. Often all I wanted was for her to call and let me know she was alive. My husband, on the other hand, stayed stuck on anger and merely wanted "justice".
Last spring when she surfaced and tried to get clean, my husband became very anxious and even more angry. It finally came out that he considered her a threat to him, his possessions, his home, his peace of mind - and that was primarily where he was coming from. I , on the other hand, was wearing myself out trying to find placement for her and be supportive. My husband was very resentful that I spend most of my energy on her and not with him, since he hadn't stole, lied, cheated, etc. and she had.We were damn near close to splitting up around that time.
At present, we are closer to being on the same page again. My husband has agreed to see her on Christmas and we both agree that should take place somewhere other than our home as long as she is still using. He has agreed not to call the cops to arrest her for her outstanding warrants the second he sees her! I have set some limits on how much of my time and energy she will take away from the relationship with him.
We survived. the marriage survived. And there were many times that my husband was very supportive to me throughout the whole thing. But, no I couldn't say my daughter's addiction made the marriage stronger. it was definately a stressor to the marriage.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
Thank you for sharing. This does help to remember there is always hope for all parties involved! I try to stress to my mom that sometimes you just have to work through things on your own for awhile.
My sister's addiction is definitely a stressor, but only to the extent I let it.
My main concern is for the well-being of my niece. I know my dad has much anger toward my sister. I think he's more angry at himself for enabling as long as he did. He thought he was helping. My parents survived my sister's addiction before she relapsed so I have faith they will continue. It just takes time.
My sister's addiction is definitely a stressor, but only to the extent I let it.
My main concern is for the well-being of my niece. I know my dad has much anger toward my sister. I think he's more angry at himself for enabling as long as he did. He thought he was helping. My parents survived my sister's addiction before she relapsed so I have faith they will continue. It just takes time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
My husband and I were the opposite way. I isolated, he wanted to act as if things were okay. I spent a lot of time just sitting and stewing. I only left the house for work. It was my way of getting through the grief. He had his own way. It took a while for us to get on the same page and even now he wants to believe that our daughter's addiction is a phase that she will outgrow. I am a talker and he got sick of listening to me say the same things over and over again. Then I found SR and had people that I could ask questions to, vent to and receive love and feedback from. That helped me a lot and I started to find recovery. I would tell my husband what I had learned and that helped him too. Then we bought a boat two summers ago. And that helped us get back into doing things as a couple that we both loved to do. Our relationship is not perfect, but we did find a way to be a couple again. Your parents are different people and must each find their own way to grieve. Sending prayers that they find a way to reach out to each other. And prayers for you too. Hugs, Marle
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Like all before me, I can only tell you what I experienced...
Mr. Moose is not, and has not, ever been a Codependent.
I have always been a Codependent to the 4th degree.
So, when the trouble started with our sons, he took a firm stance, like always, and my little heart was broken, but I "knew' I could fix it!
So, I did alot of things behind his back, like paying bail, and handing out money, making excuses for them... and worse...etc.
As both of the sons addictions progressed, I felt even lower, and still had the thoughts that I could "fix" it. I didn't know that I couldn't.
AND, I became somewhat depressed. Didn't want to talk with friends, because I was embarrassed and ashamed of my only 2 children. So, I began isolating myself.
Eventually, on the verge of crazy, I found my way here, and to Alanon meetings.
AND then I slowly began to see where Mr. Moose was coming from...and we ended up on the same wave length...)
(and lived happily ever after...LOL)
Hugs to ya sweetie,
Mr. Moose is not, and has not, ever been a Codependent.
I have always been a Codependent to the 4th degree.
So, when the trouble started with our sons, he took a firm stance, like always, and my little heart was broken, but I "knew' I could fix it!
So, I did alot of things behind his back, like paying bail, and handing out money, making excuses for them... and worse...etc.
As both of the sons addictions progressed, I felt even lower, and still had the thoughts that I could "fix" it. I didn't know that I couldn't.
AND, I became somewhat depressed. Didn't want to talk with friends, because I was embarrassed and ashamed of my only 2 children. So, I began isolating myself.
Eventually, on the verge of crazy, I found my way here, and to Alanon meetings.
AND then I slowly began to see where Mr. Moose was coming from...and we ended up on the same wave length...)
(and lived happily ever after...LOL)
Hugs to ya sweetie,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
Our daughters addiction has caused many fights between my husband an I in the past an I'm sure it will in the future too. We both love her just have different ideas sometimes on what to do or not do as the case may be. Also, my sober daughter lives here, her an her little sister use to be close, now she has given up on her, an doesn't want us to help AD at all. It makes it more stressful for us when we feel like we have to choose between the 2 of them.
We just try an take it one day at a time. I have to say to that even though AD hasn't used for over 2 months,due to being in jail, she still don't seem to understand just how much damage her addiction has caused to her relationships with all her family members brother, sister, aunts an uncles.
Sending prayers for all of you.
We just try an take it one day at a time. I have to say to that even though AD hasn't used for over 2 months,due to being in jail, she still don't seem to understand just how much damage her addiction has caused to her relationships with all her family members brother, sister, aunts an uncles.
Sending prayers for all of you.
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