nytepassion

A person who is acting out self destructively has no reason to change if they do not ever suffer major consequences for their behavior. If they are rescued from consequences, they are enabled to continue practicing their addiction.

One of the important distinctions to learn in recovery, is how to draw a boundary between being and behavior. We can love a person's being and still protect ourselves from their behavior if that is necessary. To think that loving someone means we have to accept being abused by them is dysfunctional - and it demonstrates a lack of Love for our self. If we do not know how to be Loving to our self, then we cannot Truly Love another person in a healthy way. If we do not honor our self, show respect for our self, by having boundaries - then the other person is not going to respect us.

Rescuing someone who is actively practicing addiction of some kind, is enabling. It is dysfunctional because it supports the person in continuing to practice their addiction. A person in recovery working on getting healthier may need some help from time to time - and that is great, that is being supportive in a positive manner. Helping someone to continue to self destruct is not support, it is codependency - it is also not Loving.

caileesnana

Thanks!
It took me a long time to understand this one, but once I did---I did much better!!

lostparent

Thanks fo the post.
I'm still working on knowing the difference between enabling an helping out. Hopefully by the time Ad get gets out of jail in Apr. I'll have it figured out.

salvationapril

AMEN:praying

doneforsure

Thank you nytepassion for this post. These words are so crystal clear these days. Sometimes we can read things, hear things, over and over, for some time, and then suddenly it's like a light bulb going on, and it becomes so much clearer. I finally stopped the enabling, removed myself from a situation that was rife with disrespect and abuse, and let be what will be. It's so hard to stand back, care, love someone, want that person to see what they are doing to themselves and the people who love him or her, but it's so much harder trying to live with it and swallowing all that we know is wrong, all that bad stuff that makes us feel bad. I've been away from the exagf for a while now, and as much as I hate to see her lose her house as foreclosure looms for her and her daughter, I now see whatever happens as a possible step for her towards learning what she needs to learn, as I am learning what I need to learn.

Thank you nytepassion

marle

Thanks Nyte, that is where I am today after a lot of years of mistakes. I will not enable my daughter's addiction or behaviors and now I realize that even with recovery under my belt, it is not always possible to be in contact with her either. Hugs, Marle

DevastatedJP

Loud and clear as usual!!!

(((Hugs)))) Me