Up in smoke
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Up in smoke
This morning, I was tidying up for Christmas by burning a bunch of old bank statements and credit card bills and other things I didn't want lying around in the woodstove. I kept stirring the stack (there was a lot) and kept seeing bits of a letter that I'd tossed in there last night.
For years, I kept my XABF's last letter of contrition, which I believe he wrote when I discovered he was having an affair with a minister. It was eight pages of apologies, explanations, and alibis, and was littered with phrases like "let me take care of you baby" and "you're a wonderful woman, and there are no words to describe how sorry I am" and "please don't give up on me." I kept seeing those words, handwritten on bits of paper, as I stirred the ashes round and round.
For years, I kept that letter. I rarely looked at it, mostly when I was rooting around in the box where it lived, looking for something else. There had been lots of chances, needless to say. Lots of infidelities, lots of lies, lots of irresponsible and disrespectful behavior, for years. So I kept that letter, for some reason, all these years.
Maybe it was because I needed to be reminded occasionally that he was in the wrong, and that I didn't deserve what had happened. Maybe I was still angry all this time, and felt that I could get back at him by talking back to the letter ("Yeah? Well you should've thought of that BEFORE you....") Maybe I just wanted to remind myself of what never to stand for again.
But I realize this morning, as the letters and exclamation points and "pleases" go up in smoke....I'm finally done with it. I have no need for any of it any more. He can do what he pleases (though I send out wishes that other women will be more self-protective than I was) and answer for whatever actions he takes in life.
For those still carrying anger for people who we've allowed to damage us, know that this day is out there for you too, as a possible future to choose. All it takes is a match, and a purpose bigger than anger.
Love to all this Xmas
GL
For years, I kept my XABF's last letter of contrition, which I believe he wrote when I discovered he was having an affair with a minister. It was eight pages of apologies, explanations, and alibis, and was littered with phrases like "let me take care of you baby" and "you're a wonderful woman, and there are no words to describe how sorry I am" and "please don't give up on me." I kept seeing those words, handwritten on bits of paper, as I stirred the ashes round and round.
For years, I kept that letter. I rarely looked at it, mostly when I was rooting around in the box where it lived, looking for something else. There had been lots of chances, needless to say. Lots of infidelities, lots of lies, lots of irresponsible and disrespectful behavior, for years. So I kept that letter, for some reason, all these years.
Maybe it was because I needed to be reminded occasionally that he was in the wrong, and that I didn't deserve what had happened. Maybe I was still angry all this time, and felt that I could get back at him by talking back to the letter ("Yeah? Well you should've thought of that BEFORE you....") Maybe I just wanted to remind myself of what never to stand for again.
But I realize this morning, as the letters and exclamation points and "pleases" go up in smoke....I'm finally done with it. I have no need for any of it any more. He can do what he pleases (though I send out wishes that other women will be more self-protective than I was) and answer for whatever actions he takes in life.
For those still carrying anger for people who we've allowed to damage us, know that this day is out there for you too, as a possible future to choose. All it takes is a match, and a purpose bigger than anger.
Love to all this Xmas
GL
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Bless you wendylost for thinking I'm grown up 
There is nothing special about me...I'm just saying that there is a life after all of the pain. For everybody. Marshmallow roast at GL's house!
There is nothing special about me...I'm just saying that there is a life after all of the pain. For everybody. Marshmallow roast at GL's house!
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
For those still carrying anger for people who we've allowed to damage us, know that this day is out there for you too, as a possible future to choose. All it takes is a match, and a purpose bigger than anger.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
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I read this twice and almost answered and then did not but I am now.
I do not have anything in writing from XABF. I gave it all back to him when he moved out, along with any gifts he gave me including cameras and lenses. I wanted NOTHING to tie me to him.. and when I found out he had been cheating on me I was so glad I did nto have anything from him anymore.
While I understand letting the anger go, I can also say I am not going to do that. Will I someday? Maybe.
However, at this point in my life the anger serves a purpose. It insures that I will not ever again lose myself in another person. It insures a healthy measure of distrust when dealing with any humanity. It insures I will not ever again believe in anyone beyond me. It insures I do not feel too badly for anyone who chooses to be an addict or to stay with an addict when the door out is open and all they have to do is walk through it.
So, for now, I think I will keep this anger at my XABF.
He had disappeared for a bit. I thought perhaps he had died or been incarcerated. Either one would have served a greater good.
Sadly, he has resurfaced, but not in my lake (thank goodness for that favor).
I do not have anything in writing from XABF. I gave it all back to him when he moved out, along with any gifts he gave me including cameras and lenses. I wanted NOTHING to tie me to him.. and when I found out he had been cheating on me I was so glad I did nto have anything from him anymore.
While I understand letting the anger go, I can also say I am not going to do that. Will I someday? Maybe.
However, at this point in my life the anger serves a purpose. It insures that I will not ever again lose myself in another person. It insures a healthy measure of distrust when dealing with any humanity. It insures I will not ever again believe in anyone beyond me. It insures I do not feel too badly for anyone who chooses to be an addict or to stay with an addict when the door out is open and all they have to do is walk through it.
So, for now, I think I will keep this anger at my XABF.
He had disappeared for a bit. I thought perhaps he had died or been incarcerated. Either one would have served a greater good.
Sadly, he has resurfaced, but not in my lake (thank goodness for that favor).
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Took nearly 10 years for me, Elana, and like I said, I did have my reasons for hanging onto those memories for so long. Every time I read those words, I was forced to admit to myself that What People Say To Me May Or May Not Be The Truth. To mine own self ONLY be true. It kept my armor on.
You can't rush it, I guess.
Hoping that "he" stays far away from your lake as possible, so that you can one day feel the time is right to burn your anger too. It's a strange and quiet joy in the midst of a fairly terrible holiday season for me. I'll take it.
You can't rush it, I guess.
Hoping that "he" stays far away from your lake as possible, so that you can one day feel the time is right to burn your anger too. It's a strange and quiet joy in the midst of a fairly terrible holiday season for me. I'll take it.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Amen!
Just a few months ago, I threw away birthday and christmas cards I had held onto. I got melancholy when I looked at them. Then, I pinched myself and came back to the reality realizing that the lovely cards with the loving words were all BS now.
I used a shredder.
Just a few months ago, I threw away birthday and christmas cards I had held onto. I got melancholy when I looked at them. Then, I pinched myself and came back to the reality realizing that the lovely cards with the loving words were all BS now.
I used a shredder.
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