My thoughts
 

I haven't written in a week and I noticed I started to feel depressed again. It made me think about how hard it is for someone addicted to be in recovery, as I try to enter into my own recovery and find myself meeting some internal resistance. I just wanted to update everyone... my brother is still home. He has been hiding out in his room with his gf (also a substance abuser). I still havent gone to see him. He hasnt contacted me and it hurts me so bad. My mother saw him the other day and he smiled at her, I know he does this when he is uncomfortable, but it seems he is still in denial. He asked me mother how his sister was and she told him that if he wanted to know he should call me. He told me my mom with urgency in his voice that he was home and that was significant. We are seeing what happens, we are giving him space and trying to "do something different." Is this what I should be doing? It feels so strange to withdrawal from him. This is such a different role. I think I am under the impression that in some way me being there for him has saved him. Am I being silly to think I have so much control?? Oh the word control...... such a scary word for me.

Oh, how I wish he would call me. I pray for the day I will see his number on my cell phone. I know that I am strong enough to go over there (since I will be there visiting my mother) and just give him a hug. I just want to hug him b/c I am scared that one day he wont be here to hold.....

If we could love them sober, this board wouldn't exist. If we could talk them sober, this board would be gone. If there was any one thing we could DO, we wouldn't be here.

The fact is, we are powerless ... over people... over places... over things.


The illusion of control, is just that - an illusion. When I FINALLY figured out that sometimes GOOD things happened WITHOUT my input, my meddling, my fingers in the pie... well, first I was shocked. Then quietly, pleased. Because that was my first inkling that I was not in this alone. That there might be a force in the universe Bigger than me. And that Something/Someone might just have a better plan than me.

Amazing stuff. And what a relief to realize that I could let go a little... breathe a little... and just let my addicted loved ones live and breathe without my constant surveilance.


(((hugs))))


I think giving your brother a hug is always a good thing. Showing love is a good thing... What I know for me is true is that I need to remember to try to NOT plan outcomes. For example, "if I hug him and show him how much I love him, he will feel better and not use"

That sort of outcome is unrealistic, and shows that my love is conditional. Unconditional love is something I only learned about when I got to Alanon... and then only after several months of meetings, and I think I only learned HOW to actually DO it after a year or so of trying.


I wish you well, I do know how confusing this all is in the beginning. But all the things we do and try help us learn what works and what doesn't... for our loved ones, and for us.


((hugs))

I think if you want to give him a hug that badly then you should. Giving him a hug may be exactly what he needs but doesn't know how to ask for.
I don't think giving him a hug would harm him in any way and it sounds like it may help you?
You don't have to make it a big deal, just stop by and give him a hug :Val004: , that is still giving him his space but letting him know your still there also.
JMO
:atv

[QUOTE=familymember;1605574] I think I am under the impression that in some way me being there for him has saved him. Am I being silly to think I have so much control?? Oh the word control...... such a scary word for me.QUOTE]

If you had the control and were able to save him, you wouldn't be needing to have this conversation.

It's so hard isn't it? I struggle with the codependency everyday, I want so much to save my son. But after leaving him alone for awhile guess what, he is saving himself.

good luck :codiepolice