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Why is it always me?

Old 12-17-2007, 11:27 AM
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Why is it always me?

I should have seen it comingÖ..I donít know why he still feels that when I am away itís like a get out of jail free card that he doesnít think I am going to find out about. Needless to say I did and Iím upset. It wasnít his normal DOC but I donít care what it was, itís the fact that he used any type of drug again that upsets me. And then to think that everything is fine and you cleared the air but telling me yourself?!? Well congratulations, jacka$$.

Short story long, I came home, avoided him as much as possible all day yesterday, got up this morning and went to work. The only phone call I get today is telling me I didnít pay one of his bills. Then he has nothing to say and tells me he will talk to me later. So what happens now? Now I sit at my desk with the panic feeling, fearing going home tonight because I donít know what type of mood he is going to be in and worry if I am going to be attacked as soon as I walk through the door or ignored as if I donít exist.

Why am I the one now that feels like crap? Why do I still let this get to me? Why am I such an idiot?
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Old 12-17-2007, 11:51 AM
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HI sorry you are feeling bad today. Remember...nothing changes if nothing changes! Do you love him? why are you there? Maybe time to make some positive changes for yourself. Do something for you. Stop on the way home and do someting nice for yourself maybe. HUgs!!
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Old 12-17-2007, 12:14 PM
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You are NOT an idiot .. You are person who loves a someone who is an addict.

And you can establish boundaries where he is concerned .. IF you walk in that door and he treats you in any way shape or form other than respectful and decent .. you can walk out that door just as fast as you entered it .. You don't have to stick around and have him mistreat you. If he ignores you .. consider it a blessing, go about your business and enjoy your evening. If he wants to yell, scream, blame, accuse .. head to the nearest room that has a lock on the door ..close it and lock the door behind you... pop in some ear plugs and turn on some music to drown out any sound of him ... And don't partake in the insanity.

Of course I know that it isn't always possible to do the above and sometimes impossible depending what kind of behavioral problems the addict has, but I do know that if we so choose we can refuse to interact with any unacceptable behavior and have no part in it. If he is the abusive, violent type ... call the police and send him to the grey bar motel for the night.

I don't know your situation .. so I'm just speaking from the top of my hat here .. but I do know that when I lived with my ex and I left out of town without him .. he always thought of it as a get out of jail free card and when I came home there were beer cans all over the house, old fried chicken legs under the coffee table .. his wedding ring on the side of his recliner and he looked like hell.

I use to get mad and give him the you've been drinking and using speech .. got myself all bent out of shape and upset and he denied he had done anything (his brother did it) yeah right ... I learned that whether I was home or out of town to expect him to drink and use .. after all he is an addict .. to expect anything other then the quote .. unquote "NORM" would be sitting myself up for disappointment.

Why is it always you? .. because he is an addict and addicts are masters .. skilled in the art of manipulation, blame and denial... Addicts know no personal accountability and absolutlely refuse to be held accountable for their actions .. therefore they will blame you, me, anyone and everyone else, but themselves or their addiction. You know the truth .. and the truth is .. it is NOT YOU. It is HIM .. HE IS AN ADDICT and as long as you are willing to believe the lies, take the blame and second guess yourself .. you can bet he is more than willing to let you think it is you. He won't be honest with you .. get honest with yourself .. Like I said, YOU ALREADY KNOW THE TRUTH now you just need to BELIEVE IT.

We can't change em' but if we don't like the view .. we can change the scenery

****{Hugs to you}}}
Passion

Last edited by nytepassion; 12-17-2007 at 12:36 PM.
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Old 12-17-2007, 12:46 PM
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Nyte,

Thank you very much. Though I don't post that often I am often here lurking and I value your insight so much.

I hate the constant panic feeling. He was doing so well. We had a great couple of weeks and I thought things were turning around. I guess not. It just kills me that he is completely aware of his actions and continues to do whatever the heck he wants no matter how it may hurt those around him.

He will be fine and then all of sudden just flip his lid. Usually it has nothing to do with me, but end up on my shoulders. He feels guilty about what he did and how much it bothers me and then turn it around on me. I can already hear him yelling, "Stop crying!"

I do love him with all my heart, there's my biggest mistake. I sometimes wish I didn't. Sometimes I wish I could just hate him, cause then if I walk away it won't hurt so bad.
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Old 12-17-2007, 02:27 PM
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It is not your mistake that you love him! We all love or loved our addicts with all our hearts or we would have never put up with the insanity. I thought my AH was my life partner until just recently...it is hard to do but I had to for my kids sake, it was not the life I wanted for them. I do not know why I could do it for them, but not for myself. Now that I am away from him I see that I should have left sooner, but....I loved him. I still do, but know I cannot have a life with him. I wish you and him luck and I hope he finds true recovery so you can have the life you deserve.
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Old 12-17-2007, 02:40 PM
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I sometimes think the same thing . My AH is very good at making me the guilty party and manipulating me. I think that we think we are idiots b/c we don't leave, and we can. But we say we love them... sometimes especially lately i think that maybe part of loving is letting go. Sometimes i feel we get in the way. we cousion their falls. Maybe If i would Of left my AH years ago, maybe he would be clean today. I think this b/c i am always there, so he won't hurt and will not realize the hurt he is doing to himself. Sure i let him know.. but then i pat him on the back, and maybe he feels all is forgiven. I think with the drugs, they become numb to us. not really knowing what they are doing to the people in their lives, drugs make you care less. A fog i guess. Don't balme yourself , for loving someone, we can't help who we love. Sometimes It is good to not worry about things you have no control over.. maybe after work you go home... if it is unpleasant then leave.. i like to go to the library and sit next to the fire, or if you are sad, maybe a walk would be nice. I call it a walk with my HP. helps to soothe me. I hope all is well. try not to worry to much. and remember this too shall pass. (eventually)
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Old 12-18-2007, 07:44 AM
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Thank you for your concern, I appreciate it. When it comes to things like this I am my own worst enemy. I blame myself first, it's easier.

So last night I came home and he wasnít there. I phoned him right before I was going to leave the house to go run some errands and go to yoga. He didnít call me back but came home not to long after I called. I said hi and barely got a grunt of a response and seeing that the conversation was going no where I left and went to do my own thing. I came back from yoga and tried again to talk to him. FINALLY I got a few words out of him and the conversation pretty much consisted of him wanting to be alone (which pretty much leaves me out on the curb as I live in HIS house, I moved to Massachusetts about 9 months ago to be with him) and he hates himself and thinks heís a loser and really just doesnít care about anything anymore.

No matter what I said nothing was getting through so I told him I loved him and that I am here for him and I am worried and if he needs me I am here and I prayed and went to bed.

Still havenít heard from him today and tonight he leaves for work for a few days. So where does that leave the situation other than Iím a mess and nothing is resolved?

Just miserable. . .
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Old 12-18-2007, 07:50 AM
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I'm sorry, cate. At some point, you will have to decide whether you want to be in a dependent situation with someone who likes to use drugs. I know you love him but you do have choices...you can love him from somewhere other than the next room, and these situations won't be as devastating to you. Sending you hope for a better day focused on YOUR needs rather than on his.
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