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Old 12-14-2007, 08:51 PM
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Hi, I don’t really know what to say. I just know that I HATE THIS. My 18 year old sister is an addict and has been for over a year. I’m away at college and I’m constantly coming home to watch my younger siblings while my parents bail her out of jail or something equally heartbreaking. It has taken a huge toll on all of us, obviously. I don’t know how to focus on myself anymore. Watching my family go through this has truly been the worst experience of my life. I went through a huge depression in high school but this is 1000 times worse, without a doubt. I talk to my friends, family and therapist about it on a daily basis but I think it might be good for me to share and learn from outsiders who are going through this too.
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Old 12-14-2007, 09:05 PM
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Welcome (((Lucie))
It is SO hard to watch someone you love destroy themselves. I know its hard, but remember that YOU are important. Please stick around. There are alot of people I'd for love you to meet.
I'm glad you've found us
((((Hugs))))
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Old 12-14-2007, 09:39 PM
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HI Lucie........Welcome.

My 26 yr. old daughter was the addict in my life. She walked down a very bad path for about 6yrs. She is doing well now, but it didn't happen overnight. You cannot control what your sister does and neither can your family. Addiciton is a powerful thing and if we had any control over it no one would be on this site. Just remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't change it.

You can however control yourself. It is about taking care of you. All of the worry in the world will not make your sister stop. You are young and have a good life ahead of you. Don't let anything get in the way of that. If your parents are putting too much on you with all of this, it is time to tell them.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be there for your family, I am merely telling you not to lose yourself in the process.

Read all that you can about co dependency and enabling.

Stick around here, there are a lot of good folks on here that will be more than happy to listen to you.

Hugs............Lo
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Old 12-14-2007, 09:50 PM
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Just Talk To Her, And Try To Understand Her, Dont Give Up
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Old 12-15-2007, 01:06 AM
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Can you get to alanon meetings? I think they will help tremendously
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Old 12-15-2007, 06:36 AM
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I know how much this hurts you Lucie. I am sorry you are going throught this pain. My daughter (21 yr) is the addict in my life. She has a younger sister (18 yr) who has been experiencing probably the same pain that you are now. What helped my youngest daughter was what we call "the three C's".
We jut kept repeating this phrase over and over again. I didn't Cause it, I Can't Control it and I can't Cure it.
What we have learned her is to take care of ourselves and turn our addict over to our Higher Power.
HUGS to you and keep posting here. There is a wealth of information from these great people here.
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Old 12-15-2007, 07:02 AM
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Hey(((((Lucie))))

Welcome!

I have 3 siblings that use dope all the time. My youngest brother has been in and out of jail and prison so many times. My mom kept the family constantly focused on him and many years have been tainted in our family as a result.

I understand your pain and concern. At first I was always wondering what I could do to change the situation. After a while I began to realize I could not put my life on hold because of the choices my family makes. I had to put my foot down to my mom and my siblings and get on with living.

It is not fair that you are trying to get your education and having to put it on hold so your parents can bail her out or whatever. No doubt your sister is sick and needs help.

Speaking from my experience I find that constantly bailing them out and not letting them take responsibility for their actions is very detrimental to not only them but to the ones who are trying to "fix" them. My mom would plan her vacations and all holidays around getting to my brother at where ever prison he was at at the time. My sister was very young at the time and I believe she was taught that doing dope got you lot's of attention from mama cause at 40 years old she is still living at home doing as much dope as she can...My brother too is still living at home at 50 years old doing as much dope as he can and planning his retirement by going back to prison... is that sick or what...

If you refuse to be a part of bailing her out and trying to fix your sister it will not make any points with her or your parents but, it might save you your sanity...I am praying for you and your family
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Old 12-15-2007, 07:14 AM
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(((((((Lucie)))))))



I'm sorry for your pain, sweetie. My 26 yo son is the addict in my life.
It takes so much to learn to detach with love and step away from the addiction. Start by reading books by Melodie Beattie, coming here, finding a face to face meeting with others who can relate, and you can feel better eventually. It takes time. I know you love your sister. You can love her, but hate her disease.
I'm glad you've joined us, but hate the reason why.
Stay strong and make sure your focusing on you.
Keep comin' back.
Prayers,
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Old 12-15-2007, 12:04 PM
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Welcome Lucie,

This disease of addiction can really tear up a family. I did it to my mom, dad, and brother when I was your sister's age. Now my daughter (age 19) is doing it to me, my husband, and my poor mom (who had to go thru it twice). We addicts (when using and NOT in recovery) are a driven, obsessed, lying, stealing, conniving, manipulating, pathetic, and totally self-centered bunch of people. The only thing i responded to when when my mom and dad changed the locks on our house and let me ride out the consequences of my drug addiction. Once I was ready for help, though, they were always there for me. I am trying (though its very hard)to do the same for my addict daughter. I do see her, take her out to lunch and talk, take her to the HIV clinic for appts, stuff like that. She knows I love her and will always be there if she wants help. But I don't give or lend her money, she can't live at home unless she has been clean for a month, and I pretty much take everything she says with a large grain of salt.

I hope you can find the identification you need here and we can help you get thru this.
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Old 12-15-2007, 01:33 PM
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Lucie,
Glad you found us, we all know how you're feeling.
We all wish there was just one small little itty bitty thing we could do to help our addicts into sobriety, but unfortunately, there isn't.


Try to find some meetings in your area, it's a good thing to have a support system, and those people at meetings, just like us, know exactly what you're going through.

AND be good to you.
All your parents, and siblings may have all their attention diverted onto the addict, thinking they can help, but remember how important YOU are, okay?


hugs to you, sweet girl,
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Old 12-15-2007, 05:09 PM
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Thanks you guys I read all your comments and I appreciate them so much. I really lost focus on myself these past two months(which have been really rough in particular) and my grades really suffered from it. I have to take a class over. But I blame myself for that.
I'm back home from school as of yesterday. And today my sister said, "Do you want to hang out sometime?" I don't think she's initiated anything like that in years. I was instantly happy, and then doubtful. The last time I "hung out" with her it ended up with me crying and her saying everything was fine, which it wasn't. I don't know how to act around her. I can only ask the normal questions and talk about boys and school for so long. I don't know if I should avoid any drug talk completely and pretend like everything is normal or confront her. because it my experience confrontation has not ended well.
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Old 12-15-2007, 05:11 PM
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Red face

Originally Posted by cinderellawkids View Post
Can you get to alanon meetings? I think they will help tremendously
what are alanon meetings? sorry, i'm very new to this!
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Old 12-15-2007, 05:44 PM
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Lucie,
I think your instincts will tell you whether you should hang out with her or not. Confronting her will only back her into a corner and she will most likely get annoyed and it will not solve anything.

Her actions will tell yiou if she is okay to hang with or not. You'll be able to tell is she is using or not.

If she is maybe you could tell her that it is not the best idea for you to hang out with her when she is using because it makes you feel uncomfortable and she is not fun when she is like that, and it just hurts you to see her that way.

Others will be along to talk to you some more.

Hugs.............Lo
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Old 12-15-2007, 07:45 PM
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Just tell her you love her and that you don't want to lose her. It is okay to talk about the elephant in the room. Tell her you are sad that she is an addict and that you hope she gets help.
Then next semester you must try your hardest not to let her addiction interrupt two lives. You focus on your studies and be the best that you can be. She is young and it may take a long time for her to come around.
You must keep your joy and ambitions your focus.
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Old 12-15-2007, 08:57 PM
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When I was with my son, who is an addict, I talked about anything and everything under the sun EXCEPT his addiction. If, and when he brought the subject up, I was glad to listen, but didn't offer any advice..(very hard for ME to do... lol)

I have always had a list of free rehabs sitting by the phone so if he asked for my help I could direct him.

The hardest part for me to learn is that I have no power to change anyone.


Hugs, and prayers
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Old 12-16-2007, 08:33 AM
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Alanon/naranon are meetings held, usually in churches or halls, after hours.
It's kinda like AA, only for friends and family of the A. Lots of support, shared experiences, and knowledge. They also work a 12 step program similar to AA. Only ours deal more with codependency.
Hope you find one in your area. It will help you so much to be with others who are going through similar crisis.
Hugs,
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Old 12-16-2007, 05:18 PM
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Thanks I will def look into the Alanon/naranon meetings. My family could sure use it.
My sister is a roller coaster- completely hot and cold. I don't know if she's going to hug me or scream in my face. There was a lot of drama with her today and (as usual) I got myself involved- maybe not directly, per se, but I really let it consume me and I stayed with my family all day and worried about her. She was nice to me today and yesterday and I am such a sucker if she shows me the slightest bit of attention that isn't negative. The pattern lately has been her ignoring me for long periods of time and then asking for my friendship and help and inevitably sucking me emotionally dry. I don't know if this is her way of reaching out for REAL help and wanting a healthy relationship or if I'm just going to get sucked back into a dysfunctional funk with her again. Saying no to her is one of the hardest things for me to do. I don't know if I can have a relationship with an addict but I don't want to abandon her either. I've spent the whole weekend with my family. They've basically adapted their lives to work around her problems. As hard as they are trying I don't think this is helping her. I know that my parents are seeing a therapist a couple of times a week with her, and I shouldn't question the authority of this therapist, but I don't think changing everything to accommodate her behavior is going to help her in the long run.
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Old 12-17-2007, 07:54 AM
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welcome Lucie, glad you found us!!
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Old 12-17-2007, 08:46 AM
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Lucie,

That's where "boundries" come in. You need to work on you.
Focus on you. A recovery program for codependents helps learn to
deal with those types of situations. We all want good relations with the
people we care about. With addicts, it's alot harder. A rollercoaster, as you put it. Henry Cloud writes a book called, "Boundries." It helped me alot when dealing with my son. Also, "The Enabler: When Helping Hurts The Ones You Love" by Angelyn Miller.
I know you love your sister. I have had many family members with addictions and it took my son's addiction to set me on a good path of recovery for me.
Time and recovery. It will get better.
Keep comin' back.
Peace and prayers,
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Old 12-17-2007, 01:08 PM
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Lucie,
When you attend Alanon, it's YOUR program, it helps YOU to deal with everything, not just the addict. A 12 step program is something you can use in every aspect of your life. In fact it gives your life back to you.



Hugs,
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