suggestions please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
suggestions please
i am not sure how to handle this...My ex, who moved out almost 2 weeks ago, is going to a day phsyc (sp) course 3 days a week. He says it is helping him to learn about depression/addiction etc. i am trying to be supportive that he is getting help but he keeps saying things like~he misses me, the kids, our life, wants to move back in, can't wait till he is allowed back home...He will prove he is changed etc, etc.
I have told him repeatedly that i have no idea what the future holds for us. i told him I cannot promise that we will ever get together. too many trust issues. He just keeps saying things that make me uncomfortable. I don't want to be a mean B*tch and offer no hope and maybe hurt his recovery, but i don't want to keep trying to be his friend and him not get it!! any suggestions?? He seems very down lately, quite depressed. He has alot to deal with as well as his addiction issues and our breakup and his work in jeapordy and the car he insured and leased for his "friend" aka dealer, was found by the police crashed. It seems like so much to deal with...he cannot turn to his family, they have thier own huge issues.
I, myself have bee quite happy the last week or so, I really feel happiness inside!! Until I think about him hurting if I just shut the door in his face so to speak. Sorry so long, suggestions would be great!!!! How do I detach and not hurt his recovery or his hopes?
I have told him repeatedly that i have no idea what the future holds for us. i told him I cannot promise that we will ever get together. too many trust issues. He just keeps saying things that make me uncomfortable. I don't want to be a mean B*tch and offer no hope and maybe hurt his recovery, but i don't want to keep trying to be his friend and him not get it!! any suggestions?? He seems very down lately, quite depressed. He has alot to deal with as well as his addiction issues and our breakup and his work in jeapordy and the car he insured and leased for his "friend" aka dealer, was found by the police crashed. It seems like so much to deal with...he cannot turn to his family, they have thier own huge issues.
I, myself have bee quite happy the last week or so, I really feel happiness inside!! Until I think about him hurting if I just shut the door in his face so to speak. Sorry so long, suggestions would be great!!!! How do I detach and not hurt his recovery or his hopes?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Ending a relationship is usually painful for at least one of the people involved, but even so, we heal and get past it in time.
As long as he is active in his addiction, he will be unhappy whether he is with you or not with you. And he will use or not use regardless of what you do or don't do.
If we could control an active addict's happiness and desire to stop, not one of us would be here.
It's okay to do what is right for you. It's okay to leave a relationship that is beyond repair and its okay to live a happy life even if he continued on his path of self-destruction.
Sometimes we just have to move forward and take good care of ourselves. That's a healthy choice to make.
Hugs
As long as he is active in his addiction, he will be unhappy whether he is with you or not with you. And he will use or not use regardless of what you do or don't do.
If we could control an active addict's happiness and desire to stop, not one of us would be here.
It's okay to do what is right for you. It's okay to leave a relationship that is beyond repair and its okay to live a happy life even if he continued on his path of self-destruction.
Sometimes we just have to move forward and take good care of ourselves. That's a healthy choice to make.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((kj))))
If he wants recovery, nothing you do is going to change it, no matter what he says.
Yes, he has a lot to deal with, but he brought it on himself. YOU have had a lot to deal with, too, haven't you? And a lot of what you've had to deal with is because of his addiction, right?
You have a right to be happy and so do your kids. Don't worry about hurting his recovery. He used drugs, no matter what you did....he will recover (if it's what he really wants) no matter what you do, too.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
If he wants recovery, nothing you do is going to change it, no matter what he says.
Yes, he has a lot to deal with, but he brought it on himself. YOU have had a lot to deal with, too, haven't you? And a lot of what you've had to deal with is because of his addiction, right?
You have a right to be happy and so do your kids. Don't worry about hurting his recovery. He used drugs, no matter what you did....he will recover (if it's what he really wants) no matter what you do, too.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I know how sorry I felt for my xah when I left. He really was pitiful and looked so terrible.
I left and for one year stayed in contact. It was almost a friendship. The thing is, this "friendship" was getting in the way of my getting on with my life. Plus, he wasn't really doing anything to make his own life better. Why would I want to try to be friends with someone who obviously didn't want to better their life? There certianly wasn't going to be any hope for a future with him after all he had done to me emotionally and financially.
I felt sorry for him because of how sick he was. But, it was becoming a burden on me I no longer wanted to carry.
I finally just quit answering emails and answering the phone. I let him leave messages that I never answered.
I haven't heard from him in months.
I guess by simply not responding ever again, he finally got the message.
I left and for one year stayed in contact. It was almost a friendship. The thing is, this "friendship" was getting in the way of my getting on with my life. Plus, he wasn't really doing anything to make his own life better. Why would I want to try to be friends with someone who obviously didn't want to better their life? There certianly wasn't going to be any hope for a future with him after all he had done to me emotionally and financially.
I felt sorry for him because of how sick he was. But, it was becoming a burden on me I no longer wanted to carry.
I finally just quit answering emails and answering the phone. I let him leave messages that I never answered.
I haven't heard from him in months.
I guess by simply not responding ever again, he finally got the message.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
Thank you all for your posts! I think he is getting too comfortable with our friendship. He continues to attend the kids activities, Christmas concerts, basketball games. I will not ask him to stop that behavior but I think I need to remind him I want space from him other times.
I am so thankful we can all learn from each other here!! I often find the advice from other threads help my situation as well.
I am so thankful we can all learn from each other here!! I often find the advice from other threads help my situation as well.
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