I feel helpless and alone

Old 12-12-2007, 12:55 PM
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remember to breathe
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I feel helpless and alone

I know hands off the addict.
My son is crying that he doesn't want to do this anymore, he said he's affraid this is going to kill him and he doesn't want to die.
He is going to meetings, going to outpatient counciling 3x a week. He is working the program and still can't quit this.
I have read that when the pain of getting high out weighs the pain of being sober he'll quit, well I think it is out weighing and It's breaking my heart watching him struggle with this addiction.
Are there any words of wisdom that I can say to encourage? I know hands off the addict. I feel so helpless. Does hands off the addict mean to keep my mouth shut all the time? Isn't there something I can say to encourage him to stick with it. I am pretty sure that he will stick with it, I almost typed I know he will but my brain power kicked in. There's so much I want to say to him to help but I am his enabler and I am trying to keep my mouth shut but darn!!!!!

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Old 12-12-2007, 01:12 PM
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I am so sorry you and your son is struggling. I never went to sleep after coming home from work this morning so my brain is foggy. I will have to think about this.

I can tell you (foggy brain and all) that there were times I was in the same place. I was overwhelmed with so many feelings that I had numbed out before. I was feeling tremendously guilty for what I put my family through, disgusted with myself for what I'd done, and felt like I would never be more than a waitress, living at dad's.

My dad would say "but honey, look how good you've done" and point out that I did have a job, I was paying my bills, I did have a car. One day it still didn't work and the 2nd day I was laying around crying, he said "why don't you call your aunt". Now, she is NOT a fan of recovering addicts - her DIL is one who uses her recovery to manipulate others. But, she has been a tremendous support to me and she basically told me the same things dad did, but for some reason it made me feel better.

I'm sure other moms will have experience, but I can tell you that it meant a LOT to me for dad to point out the steps I had made to improve myself and just tell me he loved me and it would get better. I still needed a little more reinforcement, but it still meant a came from the very person I let down the most (besides me)

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 12-12-2007, 01:18 PM
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I've given my son prayers that I've taken from the book, "Choosing Life
One Day At A Time" by Dodie Osteen.
Give him this one...

Jesus, I thank You that no disease is too advanced for You to heal.
Just as it was Your will to heal the leper, I know it is Your will to heal me
because You love me. Thank You, Jesus, for healing me today.

Sending prayers to you and healing prayers for your son.
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Old 12-12-2007, 02:21 PM
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you could always ask him
"son, what would you like me to help you with in your struggles today?" and I mean that in a caring way - not in sarcasm.
Maybe ask him are the specific areas you would like for me to pray about for you?
Would you like some company at a meeting?
Can I share a reading that meant a lot to me today?

For me, this is about letting them still be in control of their recovery - I am being supportive, but not controlling. (which is easy for me to slide into as a parent)

Keeping you and your son in my thoughts & prayers,
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
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Old 12-12-2007, 03:15 PM
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One thing I have been practicing since my daughter has been recovering is, I don't tell her what to do, how to do, or when to do. I will encourage her, I will support her, and I will love her.

I think encouragment is a big help to them no matter what. You might think it is falling on deaf ears, but I think some of the words of the wise do tend to stick.

There is a way of talking to them without enabling or trying to control. Choose your words wisely and you will feel comfortable with the way you are dealing with him. You can be there for him without enabling him.

My RAD always told me it meant so much to her when I didn't turn my back on her even when she was using. I didn't comply with what she wanted from me, but I didn't turn my back on her either.

Just be his mom and your instints will tell you what to say and not to say.

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Old 12-12-2007, 03:49 PM
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remember to breathe
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thanks everyone,
it's much easier to not "enable" when they are not using!
I will do just that, encourage and tell him I love him and tell him how proud of him I am that he is trying so hard. AND THEN SHUT MY MOUTH!!!!
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Old 12-12-2007, 04:29 PM
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rasue, I just went through something a little similar.
My oldest is in a halfway house clean. He called me crying that he just can't take this place any more! I listened to him and told him I love him and that living there is not forever.
It seemed to calm him when he realized that.
I know it's not exactly the same as your son's situation. I like Japic's comment. That's a perfect thing to say!
Encourage him always.
Hugs to you.
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Old 12-12-2007, 04:47 PM
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I don't think encouragement and "I love you" is ever wrong.
I sometimes made the mistake of attaching expectations to my encouragement, which did neither me or my son much good.
Deep down I think it made me feel better to let my son know that I was and always would be rooting for him, and I always believed he could do it.
I do think he knew that himself too.
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Old 12-12-2007, 05:22 PM
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It's so tough, I know how you feel. My oldest, I'm sure is struggling too.
I think there's nothing wrong for us to identify the struggle of staying sober, I realize how hard it is for them. I just keep repeating, I love you so much, this will get easier for you as time goes by. (I hope it's the truth I am speaking)

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Old 12-12-2007, 05:46 PM
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I am going through this right now. My AD is not in recovery but makes noises about wanting to stop. I just recently got the hang of detaching.. Now as I practice everyday, detaching, I am beginning to see how it benefits my daughter and I on a couple of levels. I can have a peace I have not known for many years. I can also in the blink of an eye, be back in that place of high anxiety,trying to contol something that isn't mine. surrender, surrender. In detachment, I can focus on the positive with her and remain there . For me it is about accepting, and renewing that everyday. Being in a positive place keeps my mind and heart clear and allows me to be more aware of how I can help as the opportunities present themselves. It is also about reminding myself, it is her life, therefore her choices ,her work and her process and acknowledging that she has all that she is and all that I have taught her to drawn on if she chooses. I need to trust her. I already see some changes in how she is experiencing me, because I refuse to take responsibility for her disease and the consequences of it anymore. I am starting to see some positives in how she is relating to me.I think she, deep down is loving how I have removed myself. I don't know when she will choose to want to be well, and that it is her timetable, not mine, but I know that my job is not to be part of the problem, to provide support where I can, mirror her in a loving but clear way, and PRACTICE , PRACTICE, PRACTICE maintaining the boudaries I have set out . Hope this helps in some way. a for you.
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Old 12-12-2007, 07:34 PM
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I don't know whether your son has been in inpatient treatment yet, but that might be what he needs to break the cycle. When we see an addict in an NA meeting, week after week trying and not able to get or stay clean, that's usually what we'll suggest.
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Old 12-12-2007, 07:43 PM
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Originally Posted by sleepygoat View Post
I don't know whether your son has been in inpatient treatment yet, but that might be what he needs to break the cycle. When we see an addict in an NA meeting, week after week trying and not able to get or stay clean, that's usually what we'll suggest.
I have to agree here, as far as what I experienced with my son. Given his age (19) it was very hard for him to "just give it up", and as long as he was out there where it was available. Even though he knew what he needed to do, I think being removed from his environment was a huge step. Inpatient did that.
He failed miserably at outpatient.
It still took months of work on his part afterwards, but the seed was planted.
Wishing you brighter days ahead
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Old 12-12-2007, 07:51 PM
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I know how you are feeling, my dh went into rehad on Sat. It was that or the street. I just talk to her tonight, she will ready for discharge Fri. As of tonight there was not a treatment bed available for her next step. She has Mass Health and they will only fund 6 days, she need a Mental Health bed for more treatment.
She will be on the streets at that point. she doesn't want to do this any more. She knows thatt if she ends up on the street she will be back at inpatient once again or no longer with us.
I just keep telling her to keep clean and work at it.
My heart breaks and my stomach hurts
Keep strong and do something good for you
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Old 12-13-2007, 05:56 AM
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remember to breathe
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he just got out of inpatient. he was there for 30 days. got out nov 20
the inpatient is a followup from that.
He is talking to Mr. Rahsue this time (whew) and said he feels funny calling his sponsor all the time, like he's a burden. Glad he didn't tell me that, what the heck is a sponsor for if you don't call him, for crying out loud.
well, I guess today I feel more pissed off that hurt huh
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Old 12-13-2007, 07:05 AM
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remember to breathe
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I mean the outpatient is a followup from that
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Old 12-13-2007, 07:49 AM
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Remind your son that his sponsor is there to help him. I get calls all hours of the day and night from members of my home group. Just needing someone to listen and tell them they are ok. If his sponsor does not want to talk to him he will tell him or stop being the sponsor.
Give your son love, and let him know you are proud of him. And then listen to see if he wants you to say more or not. You will know when the time comes.
Hugs coming to you from another mom
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Old 12-14-2007, 05:23 AM
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(((rahsue))) It seemed as though when I finally stopped giving my opinion unless asked directly & leaving it up to my RAd to make her own decisions, she started moving in the right direction. She was ready to move forward, but I didn't "mom" her. If she showed uncertanty I would tell her that I had all the confidence in the world that she would figure out what was best for her. I realised that in the past if she would say something I used to read into it that she was looking for my opinion. I would use every oportunity to give a high five and encouragement. But I kept "advice" to myself. Her sponser could advise her. I mean, wow. Your son is going to meetings, sees that he could indeed loose his life to drugs if he contiunes, talks to his sponser. This is HUGE!!!!I am soo happy he is sticking in there & trying & trying. I am keeping you and your son in my prayers.
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Old 12-14-2007, 05:48 AM
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Rahsue, just joining the hugfest here and know how hard this is for you.

Lots of good suggestions above and I agree that letting them know we love them and gentle encouragement when needed is about all we can offer...but then again it's quite a lot, don't you think?

Saying prayers for your son, that he surrenders to recovery and let's his life get better.

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Old 12-14-2007, 07:01 AM
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remember to breathe
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you guys always know how to make a person smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Old 12-14-2007, 09:38 AM
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Rashue.... (((hugs))).... you are a good momma!!!!
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