what have i done?????
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Hugs to you (((Sjr))) so sorry for what your going through. I tend to write on the f&f of alcoholics as my exabf was the alcoholic in my family. However, his sister-in-law who was substance abusing put herself and everyone around us in major turmoil. I know how frustrated you must have been. In my experience, i watched it tear a family apart, not to mention tear me and my ex apart. She would unfortunately go to any extreme to get what she wanted. Im thinking of you and dont be so hard on yourself, i lived it too and it's sooooo hard to deal with.
P.s. Frescacan, i've read alot of your posts in different areas here and it seems where ever your posting, it's attacking us and what we are going through. We are all here for recovery not to have to defend ourselves or have a finger pointed at us. We are hurting and the last thing we all need is treatment like your voicing, JMHO.
P.s. Frescacan, i've read alot of your posts in different areas here and it seems where ever your posting, it's attacking us and what we are going through. We are all here for recovery not to have to defend ourselves or have a finger pointed at us. We are hurting and the last thing we all need is treatment like your voicing, JMHO.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
I haven't had much experience with this but I do know I would not allow my kids (adults now) to disrespect me in the way this daughter did. I have a DIL that ended up hitting her step-daughter when she was trying to get her in the car...she took her to her Dad and went to the Police Station and they had a call come in from someone living near where they were arguing so she was questioned about this. They told her that she could place charges of domestic violence against this SD but she decided not to...it all ended up with this girl going back to live with her Mother...where she was allowed to run free and do what ever she wanted as long as she didn't ask for money.
This is the beginning of this girls use of drugs so I can imagine what it will be like further down the road.
Parents have a hard road and the teachers expect them to keep their child in control because the teachers can't. Society today is so reviled by drugs, alcohol, and the abusers that need help but this does not mean that the parent is responsible for the child's misbehavior. The parent, if responsible for their own actions and behaviors, have little alternatives to todays wave of alcohol and drug abuse in the young,let alone the parents that are addicted themselves.
This is a world wide problem that has no easy fix. Those of us who have sobered up and cleaned up have something so precious and we want to give it away so someone else can live a clean & sober life but it doesn't work that way...unless the person wants to do this for themselves.
I also have been following sjr down the road of helplessness with her addicted daughter. I did the same thing she did almost...I picked my daughter up and pinned her to the wall for not telling me she had lost her insulin and had not been taking it for two days...when I saw what I was doing...I put her down and went in the next room to get myself calmed down and then we went to the ER and they called the druggist & he met us at the drug store to get insulin for us...but I was wrong here...because I was afraid of what could have happened to my daughter and didn't consider how scared she was too...we used to compare my alcoholism and her diabetes together and how we both needed to take care of ourselves with the tools and meds we needed to stay healthy.
I feel some of us have the fight or flight instincts in us and when I would find my daughter unconsious on the floor...I could take care of her needs and then fall apart after she was okay.
kelsh
This is the beginning of this girls use of drugs so I can imagine what it will be like further down the road.
Parents have a hard road and the teachers expect them to keep their child in control because the teachers can't. Society today is so reviled by drugs, alcohol, and the abusers that need help but this does not mean that the parent is responsible for the child's misbehavior. The parent, if responsible for their own actions and behaviors, have little alternatives to todays wave of alcohol and drug abuse in the young,let alone the parents that are addicted themselves.
This is a world wide problem that has no easy fix. Those of us who have sobered up and cleaned up have something so precious and we want to give it away so someone else can live a clean & sober life but it doesn't work that way...unless the person wants to do this for themselves.
I also have been following sjr down the road of helplessness with her addicted daughter. I did the same thing she did almost...I picked my daughter up and pinned her to the wall for not telling me she had lost her insulin and had not been taking it for two days...when I saw what I was doing...I put her down and went in the next room to get myself calmed down and then we went to the ER and they called the druggist & he met us at the drug store to get insulin for us...but I was wrong here...because I was afraid of what could have happened to my daughter and didn't consider how scared she was too...we used to compare my alcoholism and her diabetes together and how we both needed to take care of ourselves with the tools and meds we needed to stay healthy.
I feel some of us have the fight or flight instincts in us and when I would find my daughter unconsious on the floor...I could take care of her needs and then fall apart after she was okay.
kelsh
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 138
[QUOTE=nytepassion;1599246]Soda Pop ..
:rof
(My hero!)
Anyway, I love all the compassion, empathy and support I get from this website and I do believe it's getting a little ugly in here. Does somebody else need to be slapped?
:rof
(My hero!)
Anyway, I love all the compassion, empathy and support I get from this website and I do believe it's getting a little ugly in here. Does somebody else need to be slapped?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by frankie_b 
frescacan, you miss the point here. The steps and asking God for direction are
the basics of a recovery program. This thread is not about you being right. You are entitled to an opinion . You are not entitled to judging another person.
There's more to recovery than throwing the program at others.
the basics of a recovery program. This thread is not about you being right. You are entitled to an opinion . You are not entitled to judging another person.
There's more to recovery than throwing the program at others.
There's more to recovery than a recovery program? You crack me up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Plano,TX
Posts: 30
my best friends that support me hold me accountable for my actions and dont let me justify my actions -none of us are perfect but what he said is what i would have said to any of my friends- everyone keeps saying that it is ok that she hit her and that it was not wrong- 
, I FEEL that any type of hitting as decribed above is wrong not that everyone is perfect but in my experience GOD can remove your anger if you allow him to
good luck and my prayers are with you
, I FEEL that any type of hitting as decribed above is wrong not that everyone is perfect but in my experience GOD can remove your anger if you allow him togood luck and my prayers are with you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
There's actually a case to be made that you hit her in self defense. After all, she had already demanded $, demanded your phone, ransacked your bedroom, and pushed you. Imagine a non-relative doing that? (Imagine a relative doing that!). At any rate, yes of course you lost it, and that's not good. We've all had moments like that. I remember one tiime we were waiting to see the judge. I asked her how much weight she had lost. She wouldn't tell me, so I grapped her by the back or her jeans, looked at the lable and announced to the whole hallway of waiting teens and parents -"she's a size 3! She's such a god damn liar when she says she's not using!!" Not my finest moment.
After we threw her out for stealing (2 months shy of her 18th birthday) , we immediately cancelled her cell phone and her XM radio in her car. Know what , she DID wind up turning tricks for money, but I later found out she already had been (while still living at home).
I could never tolerate that kind of disrepect (exactly the kind I got from my AD when she lived here as an active addict). Please throw her ass out! (and don't forget to change the locks).
After we threw her out for stealing (2 months shy of her 18th birthday) , we immediately cancelled her cell phone and her XM radio in her car. Know what , she DID wind up turning tricks for money, but I later found out she already had been (while still living at home).
I could never tolerate that kind of disrepect (exactly the kind I got from my AD when she lived here as an active addict). Please throw her ass out! (and don't forget to change the locks).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Fresca...can it..we do not need your sick humor..I wasn't going to respond to you because it seems this is where you get your laughs for the day....controversy is your game...you don't care who you hurt....kelsh
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Frescacan,
I don't think that you intentionally mean any harm with your remarks. I think giving the advice of prayer is a good thing, although the God that I believe in would give me peace and comfort and forgiveness for any of my wrong doings. I would not suggest that my God may give me an answer that I don't like. I don't like that I should feel threatened by God for being a hurting mom who had just been abused by my addicted daughter. We are all human and God knows all of our hearts, our pain and our suffering.
Prayers that God will give SJR the peace and comfort she needs during this time to carry her through.
AMEN...........Lo
Sarcasim is something that is not necessary here......please think about what you are saying before you post it.
Sorry if I offended anyone by highjacking this thread......I just felt compelled to speak what was on my heart.
I don't think that you intentionally mean any harm with your remarks. I think giving the advice of prayer is a good thing, although the God that I believe in would give me peace and comfort and forgiveness for any of my wrong doings. I would not suggest that my God may give me an answer that I don't like. I don't like that I should feel threatened by God for being a hurting mom who had just been abused by my addicted daughter. We are all human and God knows all of our hearts, our pain and our suffering.
Prayers that God will give SJR the peace and comfort she needs during this time to carry her through.
AMEN...........Lo
Sarcasim is something that is not necessary here......please think about what you are saying before you post it.
Sorry if I offended anyone by highjacking this thread......I just felt compelled to speak what was on my heart.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by kelsh
Fresca...can it..we do not need your sick humor..I wasn't going to respond to you because it seems this is where you get your laughs for the day....controversy is your game...you don't care who you hurt....kelsh
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Finding Myself
Posts: 91
sjr...
Hugs to you...and NO you are not a horrible mother. You are a woman who is trying to work her way through a horrible situation. Don't let your daughter manipulate you. Remember...step away from the addict.
Definitely turn off the cell phone service, quit giving her money based on clean tests...you can't "buy" clean and sober. She will never get clean to get money from you, she'll only get clean for herself...when she is ready. Until then, live your life and never forget that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
I'm so sorry you are hurting right now.
Hugs to you...and NO you are not a horrible mother. You are a woman who is trying to work her way through a horrible situation. Don't let your daughter manipulate you. Remember...step away from the addict.
Definitely turn off the cell phone service, quit giving her money based on clean tests...you can't "buy" clean and sober. She will never get clean to get money from you, she'll only get clean for herself...when she is ready. Until then, live your life and never forget that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
I'm so sorry you are hurting right now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
sjr~
I want to get back to your question, and offer you a different perspective.
I don't know what kind of drugs your daughter is doing, but in my experience, as a addict, we see a lot of violence in our world. It's common. And it's acceptable. It's how we handle disappointment or it's a normal way for us to release our frustrations when we don't get what we want. And even if we don't hit first, we may try to provoke others to "start it".
It's because addicts are immature, not using their full brains, and violence is often the only way we know how to get what we want. Physical violence is never the answer of course, but it may be that your daughter knew what buttons to push and pushed them to get you to that point on purpose.
I'm sure you feel terrible about what happened. Just so you know, that doesn't make you an unloving mom. It was just a bad response in a bad situation. I am sure that time and distance from the event will ease the pain and help your mind to clear on the next steps you need to take.
But whatever you do, don't give in to her. Addicts are very very manipulative. And when you are in the middle of the situation, it's hard to see straight sometimes.
God bless and hugs.
I want to get back to your question, and offer you a different perspective.
I don't know what kind of drugs your daughter is doing, but in my experience, as a addict, we see a lot of violence in our world. It's common. And it's acceptable. It's how we handle disappointment or it's a normal way for us to release our frustrations when we don't get what we want. And even if we don't hit first, we may try to provoke others to "start it".
It's because addicts are immature, not using their full brains, and violence is often the only way we know how to get what we want. Physical violence is never the answer of course, but it may be that your daughter knew what buttons to push and pushed them to get you to that point on purpose.
I'm sure you feel terrible about what happened. Just so you know, that doesn't make you an unloving mom. It was just a bad response in a bad situation. I am sure that time and distance from the event will ease the pain and help your mind to clear on the next steps you need to take.
But whatever you do, don't give in to her. Addicts are very very manipulative. And when you are in the middle of the situation, it's hard to see straight sometimes.
God bless and hugs.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by mae164
my best friends that support me hold me accountable for my actions and dont let me justify my actions -none of us are perfect but what he said is what i would have said to any of my friends- everyone keeps saying that it is ok that she hit her and that it was not wrong- , I FEEL that any type of hitting as decribed above is wrong not that everyone is perfect but in my experience GOD can remove your anger if you allow him to
good luck and my prayers are with you
, I FEEL that any type of hitting as decribed above is wrong not that everyone is perfect but in my experience GOD can remove your anger if you allow him togood luck and my prayers are with you
Would she have reacted the way she did if she was dealing with a "normal person" under "normal circumstances" Or was she reacting to a situation that has gotten out of control? How much mental, emotional, physiological and psychical abuse has she long endured before she snapped? There are some situations that after being beaten down for so long you come out fighting ... in a self defense sorta way. I'm not here to judge if she was right or wrong .. that is NOT my call.
I wonder how many of us have found ourselves in situations in which we have acted/reacted out of character? How many of us here are perfect? How many of us here can say how we would have handled ourselves in HER situation? I don't think there is ONE of us here that can put ourselves above her .. I for one, cannot.
I surely am not going to kick her while she is down, but I am going to encourage her to get up, dust herself off and get back on track with HER recovery.
Just my 10 cents
FWIW
Passion
Last edited by nytepassion; 12-12-2007 at 02:09 PM.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
sjr,
Agree with anvil. You are already punishing yourself for losing control and I think you can do a better job than anyone else can. No judgement here...I know how it feels to be driven to something that's so out of character. The question is what will you do now, so as NEVER to face a situation like that again? Concentrate on the future and the present, not on the past.
Take care of yourself. Change what needs changing so that you don't land in that same ugly spot again pushed to the breaking point.
Hugs,
GL
Agree with anvil. You are already punishing yourself for losing control and I think you can do a better job than anyone else can. No judgement here...I know how it feels to be driven to something that's so out of character. The question is what will you do now, so as NEVER to face a situation like that again? Concentrate on the future and the present, not on the past.
Take care of yourself. Change what needs changing so that you don't land in that same ugly spot again pushed to the breaking point.
Hugs,
GL
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Originally Posted by sjr
last night was a horrible, terrible, ugly night. it all starts quite early.......now here is the really ugly part, i wan't even sure if i wanted to tell you guys because i feel like i am getting ready to be railed. but you all have been here for me through the other stuff lately, it would be a lie to leave it out.
so here goes....(deep breath)...i go to grab the phone out of her hand and she doesn't let go...she pushes me, and i snap. i literaly lost my mind. i hit her, not once but several times. she of course hits me back and i am now in a 'fight' with my daughter. this is not my nature, i don't 'hit'...i have talked about spanking in my last thread, yes, i spanked...that's the butt...this was a fight like two crazy grown women would. i finally come to my sences as i am on the floor with my child and get up...i tell her she can have the phone and use it to call her dad to come get her. she leaves.
i am honestly now sitting there waiting for the cops to come and take me to jail. she said she was gonna call them.i called a friend of mine...and said keep your phone close by i may need you to get me out of jail tonight, here's my mom's number in case you can't. i was getting prepared to go to jail!
the phone rings it's my mom, she had talked my daughter out of calling the cops she says...we talked for a while, it's around 2 am by then, i just sit up all night waiting...
the cops didn't come...and she didn't come home...
i don't know where she is right now...i can't believe i lost my mind like that
i feel like the BIGGEST LOSER PIECE OF CRAP MOM IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW!!!! i hit my baby...alot!!!
all over a phone???????? i had said i was going to turn the service off on it today, imo...she pitched a complete fit for it...she got it...same 'ole...my mom asked me not to. trying to keep the peace my mom is...
i don't know what to do now...i feel terrible, i feel like i hit some wall, i feel like i lost it, and i did.
so that is the long and short of my story for last night...i'm ready ...go ahead guys, tell me what ya think of the crappy mom that hits her kid...i deserve it and will take it.....s
so here goes....(deep breath)...i go to grab the phone out of her hand and she doesn't let go...she pushes me, and i snap. i literaly lost my mind. i hit her, not once but several times. she of course hits me back and i am now in a 'fight' with my daughter. this is not my nature, i don't 'hit'...i have talked about spanking in my last thread, yes, i spanked...that's the butt...this was a fight like two crazy grown women would. i finally come to my sences as i am on the floor with my child and get up...i tell her she can have the phone and use it to call her dad to come get her. she leaves.
i am honestly now sitting there waiting for the cops to come and take me to jail. she said she was gonna call them.i called a friend of mine...and said keep your phone close by i may need you to get me out of jail tonight, here's my mom's number in case you can't. i was getting prepared to go to jail!
the phone rings it's my mom, she had talked my daughter out of calling the cops she says...we talked for a while, it's around 2 am by then, i just sit up all night waiting...
the cops didn't come...and she didn't come home...
i don't know where she is right now...i can't believe i lost my mind like that
i feel like the BIGGEST LOSER PIECE OF CRAP MOM IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW!!!! i hit my baby...alot!!!
all over a phone???????? i had said i was going to turn the service off on it today, imo...she pitched a complete fit for it...she got it...same 'ole...my mom asked me not to. trying to keep the peace my mom is...
i don't know what to do now...i feel terrible, i feel like i hit some wall, i feel like i lost it, and i did.
so that is the long and short of my story for last night...i'm ready ...go ahead guys, tell me what ya think of the crappy mom that hits her kid...i deserve it and will take it.....s
Raising children can be such a struggle. To top it off there is no clear cut right and wrong way to do it. They don't come with directions, warranties, or tech support. It would be much easier if they did..lol. You are not alone when my children were growing up I allowed my buttons to be pushed to the point I did some extreme things. I have learned how to forgive myself for those things and my children have forgiven me because they have seen that sobriety has changed how I react to my buttons being pushed. I am grateful for the steps of my recovery program. If you work a 12 step program you might consider applying the steps to this situation. For example:
1. I am powerless over my childs behavior (can not control someone else) and my life is unmanageable when she is exhibiting these behaviors.
2. Come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore sanity to this situation.
3. Make a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as we understand him.
4. Make a searching and fearless inventory about this situation, how we react, how we feel, how it affects others, what the positive things are that we do, etc... Remember a true inventory not only lists liabilities but assets as well.
5. and so on and so on......
This is the process I use on the day to day problems that arise in my life. I have found that by applying the steps to all aspects of my life, I have more peace, things tend to resolve with minimal stress, and overall my life is much better.
I am thankful that you had the courage to speak of this as it can be quite difficult to admit when we do something that could be considered wrong especially in the legal sense. I am also thankful to see that other than one person who has replied everyone has been supportive of your willingness to try and learn from this and change how you react in the future.
Sorry this has been such a long reply.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by nandm
My heart goes out to you. Raising children can be such a struggle. To top it off there is no clear cut right and wrong way to do it. They don't come with directions, warranties, or tech support. It would be much easier if they did..lol.
You are not alone when my children were growing up I allowed my buttons to be pushed to the point I did some extreme things. I have learned how to forgive myself for those things and my children have forgiven me because they have seen that sobriety has changed how I react to my buttons being pushed. I am grateful for the steps of my recovery program. If you work a 12 step program you might consider applying the steps to this situation. For example:
1. I am powerless over my childs behavior (can not control someone else) and my life is unmanageable when she is exhibiting these behaviors.
2. Come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore sanity to this situation.
3. Make a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as we understand him.
4. Make a searching and fearless inventory about this situation, how we react, how we feel, how it affects others, what the positive things are that we do, etc... Remember a true inventory not only lists liabilities but assets as well.
5. and so on and so on......
This is the process I use on the day to day problems that arise in my life. I have found that by applying the steps to all aspects of my life, I have more peace, things tend to resolve with minimal stress, and overall my life is much better.
I am thankful that you had the courage to speak of this as it can be quite difficult to admit when we do something that could be considered wrong especially in the legal sense. I am also thankful to see that other than one person who has replied everyone has been supportive of your willingness to try and learn from this and change how you react in the future.
Sorry this has been such a long reply.
Raising children can be such a struggle. To top it off there is no clear cut right and wrong way to do it. They don't come with directions, warranties, or tech support. It would be much easier if they did..lol. You are not alone when my children were growing up I allowed my buttons to be pushed to the point I did some extreme things. I have learned how to forgive myself for those things and my children have forgiven me because they have seen that sobriety has changed how I react to my buttons being pushed. I am grateful for the steps of my recovery program. If you work a 12 step program you might consider applying the steps to this situation. For example:
1. I am powerless over my childs behavior (can not control someone else) and my life is unmanageable when she is exhibiting these behaviors.
2. Come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore sanity to this situation.
3. Make a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as we understand him.
4. Make a searching and fearless inventory about this situation, how we react, how we feel, how it affects others, what the positive things are that we do, etc... Remember a true inventory not only lists liabilities but assets as well.
5. and so on and so on......
This is the process I use on the day to day problems that arise in my life. I have found that by applying the steps to all aspects of my life, I have more peace, things tend to resolve with minimal stress, and overall my life is much better.
I am thankful that you had the courage to speak of this as it can be quite difficult to admit when we do something that could be considered wrong especially in the legal sense. I am also thankful to see that other than one person who has replied everyone has been supportive of your willingness to try and learn from this and change how you react in the future.
Sorry this has been such a long reply.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Quote:
originally posted by Frescacan
:chatter
o' great and wise one Frescacan .. please elighten us with your all powerful wisdom and knowledge. Lead the way.
again .. I ask, CARE TO ELABORATE?
Originally Posted by nytepassion View Post
Fresacan,
Walk a mile in her moccasins before you so freely judge her.
Fresacan,
Walk a mile in her moccasins before you so freely judge her.
I already have.
o' great and wise one Frescacan .. please elighten us with your all powerful wisdom and knowledge. Lead the way.
again .. I ask, CARE TO ELABORATE?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by nytepassion
Quote:
originally posted by Frescacan
:chatter
o' great and wise one Frescacan .. please elighten us with your all powerful wisdom and knowledge. Lead the way.
again .. I ask, CARE TO ELABORATE?
originally posted by Frescacan
:chatter
o' great and wise one Frescacan .. please elighten us with your all powerful wisdom and knowledge. Lead the way.
again .. I ask, CARE TO ELABORATE?
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Originally Posted by frescacan
Talking about the steps in not ok around here.
As a recovery forum all recovery is welcome. Experience, strength, hope, and compassion are what SR is about. Not hate, rudeness, and sarcasm. I sincerely hope that you find a way to learn how to have compassion, experience, strength and hope.
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